Husband who drinks
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 36
Husband who drinks
I am new to this site and am happy to have found some much needed support. I am hoping to get some advice on how to handle my situation. I am a recovering alcoholic and have been sober for 6 years. At the time my husband and I were married we drank together and I decided to get sober a few years after we got married as I thought I was headed down the wrong path. Although I had not gotten into serious trouble (yet) I could tell my drinking had gotten out of control at times. I grew up with an alcoholic mother and so I knew it was very likely I could be too. I also wanted to be sober before we had kids so that I could provide a more stable life for them. We now have 2 beautiful daughters one who is 4 1/2 and a 12 week old. I asked my husband when I got sober that he not have hard liquor in the house as it was a big temptation for me; however, I was fine with beer. That seemed fine up until the last month when I found bottles of vodka in his trunk. The reason I even looked there is I noticed him acting strange in the garage when I would take out the trash and I got suspicious. It is also the exact same behavior I had with vodka when I drank so I was extra sensitive to the issue. I confronted him about the fact that he broke our agreement and he got very defensive. He started making excuses like vodka doesn't make him bloated, his dentist told him to drink vodka instead of beer (because he has invisalign), etc and doesn't understand why I have a problem with it. I understand I can't control his drinking but when it effects my sobriety and the potential safety of our kids I have a problem with it. I am mainly hurt that he hid it and broke my trust. He thinks I am blowing it out of proportion and that I am trying to control him and he said he wil not put up with it I should also add that he is otherwise a very good husband and provider to our girls. He is not abusive and Drinks primarily on the weekends.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 267
Hi KKGrace- A binge drinker is still a problem drinker, even if they manage to hold down a job and are otherwise good people. My ABF is one of them. He has presented me with many of the same arguments as your husband. Sadly, as you noted, we can't make them get it.
As for the hiding - that is perhaps the most hurtful thing of all. If you manage to make your husband understand that, let me know because I have had no luck with my ABF! lol! An active alcoholic simply refuses to understand the impact they have on others. Their main concern is being allowed to keep drinking. Like you, I am a recovering alcoholic, so we both remember those days not too fondly, I'm sure.
I wish I had good advice for you, other than to get to Al-Anon. If his drinking has escalated to hard liquor, it may be a bad sign that his disease is progressing, and you need support to deal with that.
Glad you are here!
Alex
As for the hiding - that is perhaps the most hurtful thing of all. If you manage to make your husband understand that, let me know because I have had no luck with my ABF! lol! An active alcoholic simply refuses to understand the impact they have on others. Their main concern is being allowed to keep drinking. Like you, I am a recovering alcoholic, so we both remember those days not too fondly, I'm sure.
I wish I had good advice for you, other than to get to Al-Anon. If his drinking has escalated to hard liquor, it may be a bad sign that his disease is progressing, and you need support to deal with that.
Glad you are here!
Alex
Journey To Me
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Kyle, Texas
Posts: 395
Welcome to SR!
It sounds like your husband is facing his own alcoholic demons and he's attempting to cover up and hide the severity of his problem from you. He is making excuses to justify breaking the agreement, and he is manipulating you to believe that your boundaries are not important.
Remember that your own sobriety is most important. If you feel the vodka is a problem and he is not willing to remove it from the house what would be your course of action to insure your sobriety is secure?
Maybe try to have a heart to heart discussion with him again when he is not drinking to emphasize the importance of not having the vodka at the house. Sometimes a non-confrontational discussion can go along way. From my experience though rational thoughts and understanding do not correlate well with an active alcoholic.
Al-anon will be a great place to get support on matters such as this.
It sounds like your husband is facing his own alcoholic demons and he's attempting to cover up and hide the severity of his problem from you. He is making excuses to justify breaking the agreement, and he is manipulating you to believe that your boundaries are not important.
Remember that your own sobriety is most important. If you feel the vodka is a problem and he is not willing to remove it from the house what would be your course of action to insure your sobriety is secure?
Maybe try to have a heart to heart discussion with him again when he is not drinking to emphasize the importance of not having the vodka at the house. Sometimes a non-confrontational discussion can go along way. From my experience though rational thoughts and understanding do not correlate well with an active alcoholic.
Al-anon will be a great place to get support on matters such as this.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear KKgrace--I am sure that you already know that alcoholics do not hide liquor and drink to hurt us. They drink from the powerful compulsion that is the disease. You husband is not trying to deliberately hurt you--by breaking a promise and drinking vodka--he is drinking because that is what alcoholics do (while still in denial).
Of course, all of his excuses (vodka-not beer, etc...) are transparent rationalizations to protect the ability to do what the disease tells him to do--preserve his ability to drink. Of course he is going to feel like you are trying to control his drinking (you are)--and is going to hate you for it--you are the enemy, in this respect. His issues are basically the same as for any other alcoholic--and have to be faced in the same way. No body gets a "break". Not with this disease.
I know that this is a heart-breaking development for you.
sincerely, dandylion
Of course, all of his excuses (vodka-not beer, etc...) are transparent rationalizations to protect the ability to do what the disease tells him to do--preserve his ability to drink. Of course he is going to feel like you are trying to control his drinking (you are)--and is going to hate you for it--you are the enemy, in this respect. His issues are basically the same as for any other alcoholic--and have to be faced in the same way. No body gets a "break". Not with this disease.
I know that this is a heart-breaking development for you.
sincerely, dandylion
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 585
Hi Kkgrace, welcome to SR, but sorry for what brought you here.
First and foremost, congrats to you on your own sobriety! Sounds like you know all too well what continued drinking can do...for alcoholics, if it's not "that bad" right now, it's just a matter of time before the drinking and the effects escalate. My AH was a binger at first, and then the hidden vodka bottles, and then full blown OMG. I have no idea how he's still alive with the amount he was drinking regularly.
My AH acknowledged that he had a problem relatively early on, and he said he wanted to do something about it & to get better, but it took a long time for him to actually take real steps towards sobriety rather than just talking the talk and doing what he was "supposed to." Recovery and sobriety didn't stick when his heart wasn't in it and when he wasn't convinced that he had to do it (and wanted to do it) to be healthy.
The heart of the matter is that we can't make an A admit that they're an A, nor make them do anything about it. They need to want to get better for themselves. I spent a long time trying to convince my AH that something needed to change, but I didn't change anything myself either. The "nothing changes if nothing changes" saying is so dead on. Until I started to set boundaries for myself, nothing did change. I'm not saying that I MADE him seek recovery with my actions, but in starting to take steps to remove my enabling behavior, there were changes in his behavior and choices as well. I've got a long way to go in my recovery, as does my AH, but we both need to want it for ourselves and do it ourselves.
As for what to do in your case? I'm not sure I have any advice other than to ask yourself what you are willing to accept for yourself and for your children. You said you had an "agreement" that he would not keep hard liquor in the home. How about changing up that to a "me" boundary? And then you can take the next step to decide what your options are if that boundary is violated. These are not easy questions to ask yourself. Trust me, I know. I've hemmed and hawed over my own boundaries. I've said things in anger that I wish I hadn't. I've found that I have to only state boundaries that I'm comfortable with enforcing, and I need to sometimes muzzle myself in times of anger & high emotions...those times when I just am frustrated and wanna scream "THAT'S IT!" in the moment! I try to voice those frustration in my own head or here on SR and I let the moment pass; when I'm more clear-headed and calm is when I declare my boundaries.
One more thing I learned about boundaries - I don't have to share them with anyone if I don't want to! It's up to us to determine what we communicate with others. My boundaries are mine to share or not, declare or not. I don't have to openly declare that I want to limit communications with my AH's family since the conversations are hard, I'm not terribly comfortable or strong enough yet, and since we don't really view alcoholism & recovery in the same way. That's for me, that's my boundary. If they're upset with me, then unfortunately that's their burden to carry - I've got enough of my own baggage without having to carry anyone else's.
The road ahead may be a bit rough, but just know that you're strong and you can do it. We're all pulling for you here. Ask yourself those hard questions, be honest with yourself, and keep reaching out for help and support. Sending you lots of strength, hope, and hugs.
First and foremost, congrats to you on your own sobriety! Sounds like you know all too well what continued drinking can do...for alcoholics, if it's not "that bad" right now, it's just a matter of time before the drinking and the effects escalate. My AH was a binger at first, and then the hidden vodka bottles, and then full blown OMG. I have no idea how he's still alive with the amount he was drinking regularly.
My AH acknowledged that he had a problem relatively early on, and he said he wanted to do something about it & to get better, but it took a long time for him to actually take real steps towards sobriety rather than just talking the talk and doing what he was "supposed to." Recovery and sobriety didn't stick when his heart wasn't in it and when he wasn't convinced that he had to do it (and wanted to do it) to be healthy.
The heart of the matter is that we can't make an A admit that they're an A, nor make them do anything about it. They need to want to get better for themselves. I spent a long time trying to convince my AH that something needed to change, but I didn't change anything myself either. The "nothing changes if nothing changes" saying is so dead on. Until I started to set boundaries for myself, nothing did change. I'm not saying that I MADE him seek recovery with my actions, but in starting to take steps to remove my enabling behavior, there were changes in his behavior and choices as well. I've got a long way to go in my recovery, as does my AH, but we both need to want it for ourselves and do it ourselves.
As for what to do in your case? I'm not sure I have any advice other than to ask yourself what you are willing to accept for yourself and for your children. You said you had an "agreement" that he would not keep hard liquor in the home. How about changing up that to a "me" boundary? And then you can take the next step to decide what your options are if that boundary is violated. These are not easy questions to ask yourself. Trust me, I know. I've hemmed and hawed over my own boundaries. I've said things in anger that I wish I hadn't. I've found that I have to only state boundaries that I'm comfortable with enforcing, and I need to sometimes muzzle myself in times of anger & high emotions...those times when I just am frustrated and wanna scream "THAT'S IT!" in the moment! I try to voice those frustration in my own head or here on SR and I let the moment pass; when I'm more clear-headed and calm is when I declare my boundaries.
One more thing I learned about boundaries - I don't have to share them with anyone if I don't want to! It's up to us to determine what we communicate with others. My boundaries are mine to share or not, declare or not. I don't have to openly declare that I want to limit communications with my AH's family since the conversations are hard, I'm not terribly comfortable or strong enough yet, and since we don't really view alcoholism & recovery in the same way. That's for me, that's my boundary. If they're upset with me, then unfortunately that's their burden to carry - I've got enough of my own baggage without having to carry anyone else's.
The road ahead may be a bit rough, but just know that you're strong and you can do it. We're all pulling for you here. Ask yourself those hard questions, be honest with yourself, and keep reaching out for help and support. Sending you lots of strength, hope, and hugs.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 36
Thank you all for the kind,supportive, and helpful posts! I am so glad I found this forum.
Cecilia-you have a wealth of knowledge! Can you please give me an example of a boundary you set for yourself? I am not quite sure where to start. I believe you mentioned I should set a "me" boundary as it relates to him having hard liquor in the house....I just don't know what that would look like. Thanks again!
Cecilia-you have a wealth of knowledge! Can you please give me an example of a boundary you set for yourself? I am not quite sure where to start. I believe you mentioned I should set a "me" boundary as it relates to him having hard liquor in the house....I just don't know what that would look like. Thanks again!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 36
Soltraveler-you really helped me put it into perspective.
Mtslide addict-I will definitely try having a heart to heart with him
Dandylion-thanks for reminding me my AH isn't doing it to hurt me but that it's part of the disease.
You all are so knowledgeable!
Mtslide addict-I will definitely try having a heart to heart with him
Dandylion-thanks for reminding me my AH isn't doing it to hurt me but that it's part of the disease.
You all are so knowledgeable!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 585
Kkgrace, "me" boundaries are tough! I am still working on defining them for myself, but a couple that I've set are:
- "I will not live long term with an alcoholic that is not in recovery." I made the mistake early on of voicing some THAT'S IT NO MORE boundaries in anger when I wasn't ready to follow through and say I was done. I stated this boundary that I couldn't live with an active A long term to let my husband know that my patience was running out and that I needed to have a healthy home environment for myself, without setting time limits or harsh consequences that I wasn't willing to follow through with.
- "I'm not ready for you to come home after rehab." THIS WAS HARD. I had to tell my AH that I needed more time in the house by myself to work on my recovery, that I was too afraid that I'd easily slip into old codie caretaker ways, be distracted by him, focus too much on him, and fall off my own path if he were to come straight home after rehab. I've started some good work, but I have a long way to go. I cannot afford a detour at this point. He's leaving rehab today and entering a sober living facility, which he coordinated all on his own. Crazy how he took steps to take care of himself after I left him to his own devices!
- "I can't hear about how I 'can't do it all on my own or how it's too hard,' I need support." This was a boundary with my parents, who are less than understanding about alcoholism. When I told my parents that AH was back in rehab, my mom went on a doom and gloom tirade about how it's too hard for me to work, take care of the home & dog & myself all on my own, etc. I put on my big-girl panties and told her that I couldn't hear that right now (or ever really) - that it hurts to hear that. I'm trying to pick myself up and hearing negativity pushes me down. I asked my parents to just be there for me to chat when I wanted it, and that I didn't need for them to call me daily while AH was at rehab (which they did during his first rehab stint...and which drove me nuts). I told them I needed time and room to be and to grow.
Like I said, "me" boundaries are really hard. We have to make it about ourselves and what we want and what we need. I'm working to figure out what it is that I want and need and allowing myself the space to figure those things out. It's a tough go, but I'm learning a lot about myself in the process and I hope to keep learning and growing.
- "I will not live long term with an alcoholic that is not in recovery." I made the mistake early on of voicing some THAT'S IT NO MORE boundaries in anger when I wasn't ready to follow through and say I was done. I stated this boundary that I couldn't live with an active A long term to let my husband know that my patience was running out and that I needed to have a healthy home environment for myself, without setting time limits or harsh consequences that I wasn't willing to follow through with.
- "I'm not ready for you to come home after rehab." THIS WAS HARD. I had to tell my AH that I needed more time in the house by myself to work on my recovery, that I was too afraid that I'd easily slip into old codie caretaker ways, be distracted by him, focus too much on him, and fall off my own path if he were to come straight home after rehab. I've started some good work, but I have a long way to go. I cannot afford a detour at this point. He's leaving rehab today and entering a sober living facility, which he coordinated all on his own. Crazy how he took steps to take care of himself after I left him to his own devices!
- "I can't hear about how I 'can't do it all on my own or how it's too hard,' I need support." This was a boundary with my parents, who are less than understanding about alcoholism. When I told my parents that AH was back in rehab, my mom went on a doom and gloom tirade about how it's too hard for me to work, take care of the home & dog & myself all on my own, etc. I put on my big-girl panties and told her that I couldn't hear that right now (or ever really) - that it hurts to hear that. I'm trying to pick myself up and hearing negativity pushes me down. I asked my parents to just be there for me to chat when I wanted it, and that I didn't need for them to call me daily while AH was at rehab (which they did during his first rehab stint...and which drove me nuts). I told them I needed time and room to be and to grow.
Like I said, "me" boundaries are really hard. We have to make it about ourselves and what we want and what we need. I'm working to figure out what it is that I want and need and allowing myself the space to figure those things out. It's a tough go, but I'm learning a lot about myself in the process and I hope to keep learning and growing.
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