At the end of my rope
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Illinois
Posts: 94
At the end of my rope
This week could possibly go down as one of the crappiest in my adult life. I posted about the track meet saga with STBXAH and I went no contact after that. Since then, I have actually unplugged our house phone due to the staggering drunk, crying, horrible messages that STBXAH has left on the machine. Not to mention voice mails and texts. My kids have started making a joke of it, which I guess it's good to laugh, but it is wearing me out.
So, I go to my lawyer's on Wednesday. I honestly feel fantastic after talking to her - she's super aggressive, made me feel like this would be OK, I will be taken care of. We spent a lot of time discussing visitation and my expectations. We decided visitation should take place at my in-laws for a while until STBXAH gets his act together (if that happens). I feel upbeat when I leave - actually relieved.
Until I get to the car. I get a call from STBXAH. I take it since I am by myself, and he tells me that my father-in-law has came over ad basically drug his butt to his cousin, who is a doctor (small community, and hubby is related to EVERYBODY). He puts him on medication that if he drinks he will be violently ill. Tells me he will quit, he wants to make this work, please don't give up on him.
So, my Codie self begins to freak a bit. I instantly feel guilty that I am leaving a lawyer's office to alk divorce when STBXAH is trying these pills out. The realistic side of me is screaming "IT WILL ALWAYS BE SOMETHING!!!" Seriously-I am beginning to realize that it will always e something, this stupid disease will always be present, and I don't have the energy to take it anymore.
So. . .what do you all think? Is this true - will it always be something with him? Am I a raging $&@#% to file for divorce while he's trying something else? Did I mention the craphead missed my 10 year olds big meet today? The one where the kid finally got to throw shot put and was beaming from ear to ear?
SR peeps. . .this lady needs advice, or a swift kick of reality. . .
So, I go to my lawyer's on Wednesday. I honestly feel fantastic after talking to her - she's super aggressive, made me feel like this would be OK, I will be taken care of. We spent a lot of time discussing visitation and my expectations. We decided visitation should take place at my in-laws for a while until STBXAH gets his act together (if that happens). I feel upbeat when I leave - actually relieved.
Until I get to the car. I get a call from STBXAH. I take it since I am by myself, and he tells me that my father-in-law has came over ad basically drug his butt to his cousin, who is a doctor (small community, and hubby is related to EVERYBODY). He puts him on medication that if he drinks he will be violently ill. Tells me he will quit, he wants to make this work, please don't give up on him.
So, my Codie self begins to freak a bit. I instantly feel guilty that I am leaving a lawyer's office to alk divorce when STBXAH is trying these pills out. The realistic side of me is screaming "IT WILL ALWAYS BE SOMETHING!!!" Seriously-I am beginning to realize that it will always e something, this stupid disease will always be present, and I don't have the energy to take it anymore.
So. . .what do you all think? Is this true - will it always be something with him? Am I a raging $&@#% to file for divorce while he's trying something else? Did I mention the craphead missed my 10 year olds big meet today? The one where the kid finally got to throw shot put and was beaming from ear to ear?
SR peeps. . .this lady needs advice, or a swift kick of reality. . .
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 43
I'm new here~ what does STBXAH stand for? We're they putting him on Antabuse? It's a medication that makes you really, violently sick if you drink. One pill is good for a week, but you have to stay on it. It works as long as they take it, but it doesn't do anything psychologically.... They're still alcoholics. It is nothing more than a tool, like the gym is, only works if you go.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Keep doin' what you're doin'. Let him do whatever floats his boat. If he gets sober, good for him. If you put a halt on things to see what will happen, you will be that much longer getting out from under this mess.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Illinois
Posts: 94
My head is asking why prolong the inevitable? He didn't and still hasn't been to a single AA meeting, was drunk 4 days after leaving detox, and is hesitant to take responsibility for any of this mess. I agree - if it works, great. Better for my boys. If not, then I'm out of the mess and can move on.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Until I get to the car. I get a call from STBXAH. I take it since I am by myself, and he tells me that my father-in-law has came over ad basically drug his butt to his cousin, who is a doctor (small community, and hubby is related to EVERYBODY). He puts him on medication that if he drinks he will be violently ill. Tells me he will quit, he wants to make this work, please don't give up on him.
Let him deal with his emotional upheavals when you are looking for peace and serenity for your children.
He sounds desperate, but if you stop your progress now, he will know he just has to call you enough and cry enough and you cave.
DO NOT CAVE!
This week has been the best in your life...
Look at what happened for you and your son without the crying, blubbering King Baby interrupting your peace.
He has to stop giving up on himself, and thinking that you are the answer to his recovery. You are not. Never were, never could be, never will be.
I think no contact is something to consider, especially while he continues to disrupt your serenity. Your children think it is a joke, and yep that is sad for him. Too bad. He is getting back what he is putting out. A joke.
I did unplug my phone. when my MIL thought it was her job to broker visitations, or my ex would call over and over and start the self pity train, which always evolved into me being a cheating *****.
you ARE doing great. Continue that without the noise.
Beth
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 391
CompletelyLost4
It sounds like he's not much of a catch at the moment - but if there is something salvageable there - you can pretty much stop a divorce from happening almost up until the very end of the process. If he's serious and it sticks, hooray. Unfortunately, it is likely true that it will always be something! Listen to what Lexie and Anvil are telling you and then listen to his actions not his words. In the meantime, keep doing what is best for you!
Trust yourself, you knew that it was your codie brain kicking in when he told you about the meds. And the codie brain is the one that kept us in these relationships to the point of misery.
Your doing great. Keep it up.
Sending hugs and support.
MamaKit
It sounds like he's not much of a catch at the moment - but if there is something salvageable there - you can pretty much stop a divorce from happening almost up until the very end of the process. If he's serious and it sticks, hooray. Unfortunately, it is likely true that it will always be something! Listen to what Lexie and Anvil are telling you and then listen to his actions not his words. In the meantime, keep doing what is best for you!
Trust yourself, you knew that it was your codie brain kicking in when he told you about the meds. And the codie brain is the one that kept us in these relationships to the point of misery.
Your doing great. Keep it up.
Sending hugs and support.
MamaKit
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Illinois
Posts: 94
MamaKit - ugh, you are right about the codie brain! If it wasn't for those feelings, I would have ran screaming into the hills a long time ago! And a catch. . .he is not at the moment. Good looking, yes. . .very smooth, yes. . .but underneath he is mean drunk. For years I was in love with the potential, but I can't even imagine that anymore.
And @wicked - you are right, it has been a great week in so many ways. So easy to be dragged under with all the crap-o-la. Thank you for putting it into perspective!
And @wicked - you are right, it has been a great week in so many ways. So easy to be dragged under with all the crap-o-la. Thank you for putting it into perspective!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
You unplugged your phone, had a productive meeting with your attorney, and got to watch your son throw shot put. Your STBXAH's attempt at attention was a momentary blip in an otherwise good week. Taking Antabuse is not recovery, so even if he does stick with it, you just have a dry drunk on your hands. Nothing really changes.
Keep pushing forward, you're doing great!
Keep pushing forward, you're doing great!
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Hi Completely Lost,
Just wanted to chime in with the other posters with my own experience with the desperation of my own XA and his over the top machinations to keep me from slipping out of his stranglehold as his "enabler".
Pills do not cure alcoholism and sobriety, abstinence is not recovery. I look back on my dispensing pills (that are bad stuff by the way) and having my XA open his mouth so I could insure he wasn't hiding the pill under his tongue to spit out as soon as I turned away.
Being the pill police was not fun and it was a bandaid on a gaping, bleeding wound and the XA drank on the pills all the time. Being a poison when mixed with alcohol he used to get sick as a dog and flushed and red as a beet.
The Codependent alcoholic will promise you the world, his life, his childrens lives to suck you back into the vortex of his alcoholic world only to drop you on your head when he relapses ... yet again.
I rode the A train of insanity for 4 long miserable years and my XA would have bouts of sobriety and even authentic recovery for up to 8 months but the siren song of his mistress alcohol was always calling, calling, calling... and he had NEVER broken up with her. Never.
But... he could talk and walk recovery. Having been in at least 5 inpatient programs, countless outpatient programs and in and out of the rooms of AA for 10 years he was an alcoholic expert.
Now the pieces of the puzzle make sense to me... he had bottom moments, even deserate cries to God and he did the steps several times...but he always held something back. He knew he wanted to drink again... he would do ANYTHING or say ANYTHING to keep me from leaving him. Maybe he even tried to quit...but DEEP, DEEP down in his heart he knew that he wanted to drink someday.
Finally, I had hit the wall. I had enough of the roller coaster, the lies, the bs. I said: 1 year. ONE YEAR. ONE FULL YEAR. You live on your own and you support yourself and your recovery. Then we will have a date. IN Tahiti. Your treat.
He has reset that clock 3 times. Currently he is BACK in Las Vegas. Last week he was sending me pics in limos and with celebrities. 2 days ago he begged me to send him money because he lost his wallet with his VIP cards, cash and drivers license.
He is blocked from calling. I ignore his texts except every now and again I send him links to Las Vegas AA.
Divorce is a great intervention tool. I would file for divorce and put the truth in it and put it in motion. As it has been said you can choose to suspend it or divorce him and remarry him if he gets it together in a few years.
We arent' supposed to give advice.... but I can share my E,S and H... create your own world of peace and happiness. Create boundaries that allow him the freedom and dignity to choose his recovery path or NOT... make it clear that time is the factor that is non-negotiable. Pills and empty manipulative promises cannot... CANNOT keep them sober or abstinent if they are a real alcoholic.
Real recovery is not words... you will FEEL the psychic change if it happens... when they have that "miracle" it is the first tiny step.
More will be be revealed and time...it is your friend. Carve out YOUR TIME and protect your child. And watch... and say a prayer. Not a desperate prayer... His HP can handle it without your angst and worry.... and whatever will be will be as far as his recovery.
So...go in peace and without guilt. Set him free even if he doesn't understand that what you are doing is in his best intersts too!
Just wanted to chime in with the other posters with my own experience with the desperation of my own XA and his over the top machinations to keep me from slipping out of his stranglehold as his "enabler".
Pills do not cure alcoholism and sobriety, abstinence is not recovery. I look back on my dispensing pills (that are bad stuff by the way) and having my XA open his mouth so I could insure he wasn't hiding the pill under his tongue to spit out as soon as I turned away.
Being the pill police was not fun and it was a bandaid on a gaping, bleeding wound and the XA drank on the pills all the time. Being a poison when mixed with alcohol he used to get sick as a dog and flushed and red as a beet.
The Codependent alcoholic will promise you the world, his life, his childrens lives to suck you back into the vortex of his alcoholic world only to drop you on your head when he relapses ... yet again.
I rode the A train of insanity for 4 long miserable years and my XA would have bouts of sobriety and even authentic recovery for up to 8 months but the siren song of his mistress alcohol was always calling, calling, calling... and he had NEVER broken up with her. Never.
But... he could talk and walk recovery. Having been in at least 5 inpatient programs, countless outpatient programs and in and out of the rooms of AA for 10 years he was an alcoholic expert.
Now the pieces of the puzzle make sense to me... he had bottom moments, even deserate cries to God and he did the steps several times...but he always held something back. He knew he wanted to drink again... he would do ANYTHING or say ANYTHING to keep me from leaving him. Maybe he even tried to quit...but DEEP, DEEP down in his heart he knew that he wanted to drink someday.
Finally, I had hit the wall. I had enough of the roller coaster, the lies, the bs. I said: 1 year. ONE YEAR. ONE FULL YEAR. You live on your own and you support yourself and your recovery. Then we will have a date. IN Tahiti. Your treat.
He has reset that clock 3 times. Currently he is BACK in Las Vegas. Last week he was sending me pics in limos and with celebrities. 2 days ago he begged me to send him money because he lost his wallet with his VIP cards, cash and drivers license.
He is blocked from calling. I ignore his texts except every now and again I send him links to Las Vegas AA.
Divorce is a great intervention tool. I would file for divorce and put the truth in it and put it in motion. As it has been said you can choose to suspend it or divorce him and remarry him if he gets it together in a few years.
We arent' supposed to give advice.... but I can share my E,S and H... create your own world of peace and happiness. Create boundaries that allow him the freedom and dignity to choose his recovery path or NOT... make it clear that time is the factor that is non-negotiable. Pills and empty manipulative promises cannot... CANNOT keep them sober or abstinent if they are a real alcoholic.
Real recovery is not words... you will FEEL the psychic change if it happens... when they have that "miracle" it is the first tiny step.
More will be be revealed and time...it is your friend. Carve out YOUR TIME and protect your child. And watch... and say a prayer. Not a desperate prayer... His HP can handle it without your angst and worry.... and whatever will be will be as far as his recovery.
So...go in peace and without guilt. Set him free even if he doesn't understand that what you are doing is in his best intersts too!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 585
Originally Posted by CompletelyLost4 
MamaKit - ugh, you are right about the codie brain! If it wasn't for those feelings, I would have ran screaming into the hills a long time ago! And a catch. . .he is not at the moment. Good looking, yes. . .very smooth, yes. . .but underneath he is mean drunk. For years I was in love with the potential, but I can't even imagine that anymore.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Northeast
Posts: 211
Sounds like "last ditch effort" to me. Each time i left AH (3 times), there were always a bunch of last ditch efforts that kept me there until I could take no more. Sounds like you are doing a great job. Like others have said, time does reveal....Just keep your eyes open.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
So. . .what do you all think? Is this true - will it always be something with him? Am I a raging $&@#% to file for divorce while he's trying something else?
What you say here - -You're tying your freedom and your right to live the best life for you and your kids to his behavior and his timetable.
He doesn't get to be the driver of this bus. You do. Because you make a decision in the best interests of you and your kids doesn't make you a raging anything - - it makes you wise, reasonable, and honest. Thinking that you're something bad for filing for divorce is looking at your own behavior through the lens of his alcoholic perspective.
You have to call it like it is from where you are right now, and that's what you did with the lawyer.
If he changes, and it will take several years for him to truly stop drinking and begin to address the emotional issues behind the alcoholism, you can decide what to do then. In the meantime, a father whose kids find it necessary to laugh at his desperate alcoholism in order to dull their pain, don't need him as a constant disruptive presence in their lives.
Keep on keeping on!
ShootingStar1
What you say here - -You're tying your freedom and your right to live the best life for you and your kids to his behavior and his timetable.
He doesn't get to be the driver of this bus. You do. Because you make a decision in the best interests of you and your kids doesn't make you a raging anything - - it makes you wise, reasonable, and honest. Thinking that you're something bad for filing for divorce is looking at your own behavior through the lens of his alcoholic perspective.
You have to call it like it is from where you are right now, and that's what you did with the lawyer.
If he changes, and it will take several years for him to truly stop drinking and begin to address the emotional issues behind the alcoholism, you can decide what to do then. In the meantime, a father whose kids find it necessary to laugh at his desperate alcoholism in order to dull their pain, don't need him as a constant disruptive presence in their lives.
Keep on keeping on!
ShootingStar1
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Illinois
Posts: 94
Thanks everyone!!!! You know, I think back to when we had family counseling while he was in detox, and we all agreed at that point 90 meetings in 90 days and then we would TALK about him moving back in. It took him approx 1 day to tell me he wouldn't be attending AA. That was the first red flag.
Then he relapsed 4 days into his recovery, and hasn't had a 24-hour "sober" period since.
I keep watching his actions, and they are not the actions of someone in active recovery who seriously wants to make his marriage/family work. They are the actions of someone desperate, someone who still wants to manipulate the situation and have me "take care" of him so he can escape reality. He doesn't actually want to deal with anything, he is just embarrassed that he is living in an apartment over his uncle's barber shop. He says he wants to see the kids, but he hasn't had a meaningful conversation or played with them in over a month. His actions don't just speak louder than his words - they are jumping up and down, screaming and waving their arms right now.
I know what I have to do to keep my sanity. I just have to accept that I am in recovery too, and when these guilty feelings pop up I have to take time to acknowledge what they really are. My mantra lately that I keep repeating over and over again in my head is "I am worth it." I deserve better, I deserve to be stress-free (or stress-reduced. . . I mean, I have 4 boys!), and my kiddos deserve that and more. Thanks for all of your kind words.
Jo Ann
Then he relapsed 4 days into his recovery, and hasn't had a 24-hour "sober" period since.
I keep watching his actions, and they are not the actions of someone in active recovery who seriously wants to make his marriage/family work. They are the actions of someone desperate, someone who still wants to manipulate the situation and have me "take care" of him so he can escape reality. He doesn't actually want to deal with anything, he is just embarrassed that he is living in an apartment over his uncle's barber shop. He says he wants to see the kids, but he hasn't had a meaningful conversation or played with them in over a month. His actions don't just speak louder than his words - they are jumping up and down, screaming and waving their arms right now.
I know what I have to do to keep my sanity. I just have to accept that I am in recovery too, and when these guilty feelings pop up I have to take time to acknowledge what they really are. My mantra lately that I keep repeating over and over again in my head is "I am worth it." I deserve better, I deserve to be stress-free (or stress-reduced. . . I mean, I have 4 boys!), and my kiddos deserve that and more. Thanks for all of your kind words.
Jo Ann
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
For me, one of the first symptoms of "Codie Fever" is when I start feeling guilty for taking care of myself.
Once I recognize what it is, it is a lot easier to deal with. My normal cures are posting on SR, going to an al-anon meeting and hitting the cushion for some Zen meditation.
I have to nip this in the bud early because a full blown infection can be hard to deal with.
Your friend,
Once I recognize what it is, it is a lot easier to deal with. My normal cures are posting on SR, going to an al-anon meeting and hitting the cushion for some Zen meditation.
I have to nip this in the bud early because a full blown infection can be hard to deal with.
Your friend,
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
And back towards the title.
When at the end of the rope . . . let go of the rope.
Just put it down.
It was never your rope to start with.
Be careful -- you can get all tied up and twisted in knots with those rope thingys.
When at the end of the rope . . . let go of the rope.
Just put it down.
It was never your rope to start with.
Be careful -- you can get all tied up and twisted in knots with those rope thingys.
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