Detachment?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: PA
Posts: 25
Detachment?
Is detachment designed to create space where she cannot hurt me anymore? It is not as pathetic as it sounds.. I think –lol.
I have taken the mindset that it is her choice to drink (and that I cannot control this) but what does one do with the below?
She had a conversation with an ex-lover the other night where she professed her still burning love for him and that he was, “always the one ” and that, “if she could have just one more kiss from him she would never let him go”. This was combined with a torrent of other rubbish and some explicit stuff not fit for publishing. She was, of course, drunk at the time; not that it is justification. umm.. detached as I can be on the matter of her “choices”… ouch.
thanks as always. You folks rock.
PS
I have taken the mindset that it is her choice to drink (and that I cannot control this) but what does one do with the below?
She had a conversation with an ex-lover the other night where she professed her still burning love for him and that he was, “always the one ” and that, “if she could have just one more kiss from him she would never let him go”. This was combined with a torrent of other rubbish and some explicit stuff not fit for publishing. She was, of course, drunk at the time; not that it is justification. umm.. detached as I can be on the matter of her “choices”… ouch.
thanks as always. You folks rock.
PS
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 43
Have you spoken with her about how badly this hurts you? I too, have lived with drunken bouts of infidelity from my AH. I chose to stay.... I think detachment is absolutely a way to keep yourself from harm. I don't know that it is a way to save a relationship, but I am new too, so I am probably not one to look for with guidance. I know from experience how badly this hurts. I'm so sorry and I hope that this forum helps and al anon as well. Sending hugs.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Just curious, how did you happen to hear this conversation? Did she know you were listening?
In this situation, I think detachment means you do not take her statements as a reflection of your worth as a man. Now, whether you choose to remain with someone who talks like that with her ex-lover is a separate issue. Nothing says you have to put up with behavior like that from her. You may not be able to control what she does or says, but you can control your own reaction to it.
In this situation, I think detachment means you do not take her statements as a reflection of your worth as a man. Now, whether you choose to remain with someone who talks like that with her ex-lover is a separate issue. Nothing says you have to put up with behavior like that from her. You may not be able to control what she does or says, but you can control your own reaction to it.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear pirates, I can only imagine how much this hurts! I am so sorry. I would echo the same as Lexie said--this is about HER. It IS your task to make your own boundries as to what you can/or can't live with.
This would be a good time to check out alanon--if you haven't already. You will find folks there who will understand what you are going through.
You are not alone.
sincerely, dandylion
This would be a good time to check out alanon--if you haven't already. You will find folks there who will understand what you are going through.
You are not alone.
sincerely, dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: PA
Posts: 25
Thank you all for your thoughts. LC –as always – directly to the crux.
I woke at 1:30AM and heard voices she was on the phone with a drunk dial. This is not usual but the time was. I listened for a minute to gauge WHO it was and realized it was not the usual suspects. I recorded remainder of the conversation- it was not a pleasant experience.
Yes Dandylion, there have recently been some HUGE boundary violations. This is just another. There is a child involved and time must run its course unfortunately. I am working to detach without completely shutting down keeping the end game in sight. She got a new job this week which will put her on the road and out of the house. The new job should speed things along.
I appreciate you.
Sincerely,
PS
I woke at 1:30AM and heard voices she was on the phone with a drunk dial. This is not usual but the time was. I listened for a minute to gauge WHO it was and realized it was not the usual suspects. I recorded remainder of the conversation- it was not a pleasant experience.
Yes Dandylion, there have recently been some HUGE boundary violations. This is just another. There is a child involved and time must run its course unfortunately. I am working to detach without completely shutting down keeping the end game in sight. She got a new job this week which will put her on the road and out of the house. The new job should speed things along.
I appreciate you.
Sincerely,
PS
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
I'm sorry you had to hear that. Lexie is right. I think detachment in this situation means you remind yourself that this is not about you, not a reflection on who you are. She is messed up. Hopefully she's on the road soon and you can get some peace.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Just an FYI, Pirate, it is illegal in PA to record without the consent of both parties to the conversation. I believe as the law was recently amended, there is an exception for victims of a crime to record when they believe a crime is about to be committed (e.g., victims of domestic violence).
Just don't want to see you getting jammed up over something like that, since you alluded to recording in terms of documenting in one of your other posts. If she decides to file a complaint you could wind up with a criminal charge.
Just don't want to see you getting jammed up over something like that, since you alluded to recording in terms of documenting in one of your other posts. If she decides to file a complaint you could wind up with a criminal charge.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Sorry you had to hear that.
I hope you can get the info you need and get out soon, I feel for you.
Detachment for me is that I don't really care what she does anymore. Now, some have said "detach with love". I barreled through it and detached with no love. I really don't care about her at all anymore. Maybe at some point I can add some love back in there, but for now it's gone.
Hang in there, my friend.
C-OH Dad
I hope you can get the info you need and get out soon, I feel for you.
Detachment for me is that I don't really care what she does anymore. Now, some have said "detach with love". I barreled through it and detached with no love. I really don't care about her at all anymore. Maybe at some point I can add some love back in there, but for now it's gone.
Hang in there, my friend.
C-OH Dad
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 121
Pirate,
My guess is if you knew she was drunk, so did the other person she was professing her blithering love confessions to. Unless he was a serious enabler or rotten opportunist, it's doubtful he even gave a crap about what she was saying. I know if an ex called me with such random drunk rants of undying love I'd be put off. Heck, I'm put off with my AH when he does that while he's out drinking... Please realize when drunks are drunk, nothing they say is meaningful anyway. I cannot count the times an inebriated person has told me they LOVE me, I'm their bestie! Yeah, whatever...Take it with a grain of salt. I have detached from my AH and take nothing he says seriously, I wait until he's sober & even then I am not totally convinced. It is a protection thing for sure. I wonder if she even remembers doing it? Oh, the joys of choosing to live with our beloved A's.
My guess is if you knew she was drunk, so did the other person she was professing her blithering love confessions to. Unless he was a serious enabler or rotten opportunist, it's doubtful he even gave a crap about what she was saying. I know if an ex called me with such random drunk rants of undying love I'd be put off. Heck, I'm put off with my AH when he does that while he's out drinking... Please realize when drunks are drunk, nothing they say is meaningful anyway. I cannot count the times an inebriated person has told me they LOVE me, I'm their bestie! Yeah, whatever...Take it with a grain of salt. I have detached from my AH and take nothing he says seriously, I wait until he's sober & even then I am not totally convinced. It is a protection thing for sure. I wonder if she even remembers doing it? Oh, the joys of choosing to live with our beloved A's.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 43
I have a question about detachment... I'm still new... But I'm trying to figure out if detachment is just a survival mechanism. In the marine world we say "there is a difference between thriving and surviving" .... Seems like detachment is just a way to get by and separate emotionally, but is it really ever a healthy relationship? Maybe the only choice if you want to stay? Idk... Thoughts? Honestly wondering....
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
In my perspective, detachment is removing the qualifier of your happiness from someone else's actions or behavior. It's not a tactic for getting what you want from someone else; it's a tactic for getting what you want no matter what others' do.
I used to always say, "If my mother would just apologize for being so terrible to us when we were kids, I could be happy." In detachment I say, "I will be happy whether my mother ever apologizes to me or not."
In a smaller scale, I used to always say, "If my (now X) ABF would just not fall asleep on the couch drunk with a cigarette in his hand every night, I would be able to sleep easier." In detachment (and this was AMAZINGLY difficult -- until I finally had the courage and strength to kick him out for good), I said, "There is nothing I can do to control whether he falls asleep on the couch with a cigarette, so staying up and worrying about it isn't doing me any good."
Today, I have a hole on the underside of a couch cushion, sure. But I haven't lived with an alcoholic since.
I used to always say, "If my mother would just apologize for being so terrible to us when we were kids, I could be happy." In detachment I say, "I will be happy whether my mother ever apologizes to me or not."
In a smaller scale, I used to always say, "If my (now X) ABF would just not fall asleep on the couch drunk with a cigarette in his hand every night, I would be able to sleep easier." In detachment (and this was AMAZINGLY difficult -- until I finally had the courage and strength to kick him out for good), I said, "There is nothing I can do to control whether he falls asleep on the couch with a cigarette, so staying up and worrying about it isn't doing me any good."
Today, I have a hole on the underside of a couch cushion, sure. But I haven't lived with an alcoholic since.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 43
Wow that makes so much sense now. I did the same thing with my mother~ without realizing it.. I mean I used to feel like if she would just apologize for the extremely dysfunctional stuff she created for us as kids that we could move on... So much anger and resentment.. Of course she never did and never will. But a few years ago I made the extremely difficult decision to stop caring if she did or not and just be happy! I stopped worrying about her in relation to me and created distance, only allowing positive interactions and if they started to turn negative I stopped allowing it to get to me and just walked away, not angrily but positively. Now, years later, my relationship with my mother is better than ever. We still don't have the lovey-dovey mom/daughter bond you idealize, but I no longer cringe when I see her number on caller ID! I created safe space, but I still love her and our relationship is intact and better for it. I never realized what I was doing with her finally, in my mid thirties, is exactly what I should be doing with my husband. Keep the good and let the bad go without allowing it to ruin my peace. Thank you for the clarification.
My heart is hurting for you Pirate~ I have no doubt you are in a world of pain right now. Alcoholism and infidelity seem to go hand in hand, but even if it is a drunk bout they don't remember it still hurts deeply, it doesn't matter if they don't even remember. Many years ago my husband had a drunken one night stand while I was 9 months pregnant, and on Mother's Day to add salt on the wound, he was in the middle of a dangerous binge (pounding whiskey from sun up until sun down, passing out inbetween) I don't even know how he survived it. I chose not to leave and to try to work it out. I honestly don't know if I would make that decision again. It seems there are no right or wrong decisions in this game, only what is best for you at the time. I feel so deeply for you, I pray that you find some peace and that you are able to get through this without suffering more than you have to. Sending prayers.
My heart is hurting for you Pirate~ I have no doubt you are in a world of pain right now. Alcoholism and infidelity seem to go hand in hand, but even if it is a drunk bout they don't remember it still hurts deeply, it doesn't matter if they don't even remember. Many years ago my husband had a drunken one night stand while I was 9 months pregnant, and on Mother's Day to add salt on the wound, he was in the middle of a dangerous binge (pounding whiskey from sun up until sun down, passing out inbetween) I don't even know how he survived it. I chose not to leave and to try to work it out. I honestly don't know if I would make that decision again. It seems there are no right or wrong decisions in this game, only what is best for you at the time. I feel so deeply for you, I pray that you find some peace and that you are able to get through this without suffering more than you have to. Sending prayers.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 121
Al27,
Sure it's a survival mechanism to a degree. If i allowed myself to constantly care and be hurt over and over, live in complete misery and never find any happiness outside of my A's selfish world, I'd surely shrivel up to nothing but a depressed, emotionally depleted shell. Many of us get close to that point, I was about there, but after going to alanon meetings and reading about detachment, I woke up. And I litterally mean woke up, and realized it's ok for me to say no, it's ok to do what makes me happy. zThat I can take care of my own emotional needs since my AH is not able to. An alcoholic relationship is never a healthy one, detached or not. There are times it can seem normal, but it's brief. I enjoy the sober moments when I can, if I can. It's staying in a relationship, but not having a lot of expectation from a sick person. Which is what the alcoholic is. Detachment isn't easy. It's really hard to do with love. I still haven't perfected that. So yes, to me it is surviving, and maybe learning to thrive within yourself regardless of the situation. Alcoholic or not.
Sure it's a survival mechanism to a degree. If i allowed myself to constantly care and be hurt over and over, live in complete misery and never find any happiness outside of my A's selfish world, I'd surely shrivel up to nothing but a depressed, emotionally depleted shell. Many of us get close to that point, I was about there, but after going to alanon meetings and reading about detachment, I woke up. And I litterally mean woke up, and realized it's ok for me to say no, it's ok to do what makes me happy. zThat I can take care of my own emotional needs since my AH is not able to. An alcoholic relationship is never a healthy one, detached or not. There are times it can seem normal, but it's brief. I enjoy the sober moments when I can, if I can. It's staying in a relationship, but not having a lot of expectation from a sick person. Which is what the alcoholic is. Detachment isn't easy. It's really hard to do with love. I still haven't perfected that. So yes, to me it is surviving, and maybe learning to thrive within yourself regardless of the situation. Alcoholic or not.
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