Fabulous affirmation
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 391
Fabulous affirmation
Good morning SR family,
This morning I had a parent teacher conference for my oldest son who is in 5th grade. Since first grade, I have heard concerns about his lack of focus and that he may have "executive functioning" deficiencies. (code for ADHD).
I have known, deep down, that these were not his issues. His issue was anxiety and living with an alcoholic dad and never knowing which dad he was going to come home to. I wasn't ready to share that with his teachers because I was barely able to face it myself.
Prior to 4th grade my STBAXH took a job on the opposite coast (a last ditch effort to save us financially and in everyother way - of course, his drinking got in the way). With Dad away most of the time, my son seemed to do better. Now in 5th grade, despite all of the trauma of the past year with the threat against my life, dad getting arrested, divorce etc....his teacher reports how well he is doing. In particular he said, he can see that he is worrying much less and has really developed healthy CONFIDENCE! He's had the same teacher for 4th and 5th grade, so this man has seen my son through a lot of this. His teacher knows only very general info about our situation - but enough. He gently and subtly made it clear to me that this huge change in our lives has been good for my son. It was an invisible pat on the back. It was clear that this teacher wanted me to get that from him.
I always knew my son was very bright. But our homelife really was holding him (and me) back. He was so worried all of the time and did not feel good about himself because he got a lot of dad's nastiness compared to his brother. By letting go of my STBAXH I have been so much more present and engaged as a parent. And clearly, my son has been able to let that fabulous person that he is shine!
Not that I had much choice in taking the route I am on with the divorce - but the reinforcement from this meeting today - the further removal of lingering doubts - has been so affirming.
I share so many of my struggles here on this board. Today, I want to share what I view as success!!!!
Hugs,
MamaKit
This morning I had a parent teacher conference for my oldest son who is in 5th grade. Since first grade, I have heard concerns about his lack of focus and that he may have "executive functioning" deficiencies. (code for ADHD).
I have known, deep down, that these were not his issues. His issue was anxiety and living with an alcoholic dad and never knowing which dad he was going to come home to. I wasn't ready to share that with his teachers because I was barely able to face it myself.
Prior to 4th grade my STBAXH took a job on the opposite coast (a last ditch effort to save us financially and in everyother way - of course, his drinking got in the way). With Dad away most of the time, my son seemed to do better. Now in 5th grade, despite all of the trauma of the past year with the threat against my life, dad getting arrested, divorce etc....his teacher reports how well he is doing. In particular he said, he can see that he is worrying much less and has really developed healthy CONFIDENCE! He's had the same teacher for 4th and 5th grade, so this man has seen my son through a lot of this. His teacher knows only very general info about our situation - but enough. He gently and subtly made it clear to me that this huge change in our lives has been good for my son. It was an invisible pat on the back. It was clear that this teacher wanted me to get that from him.
I always knew my son was very bright. But our homelife really was holding him (and me) back. He was so worried all of the time and did not feel good about himself because he got a lot of dad's nastiness compared to his brother. By letting go of my STBAXH I have been so much more present and engaged as a parent. And clearly, my son has been able to let that fabulous person that he is shine!
Not that I had much choice in taking the route I am on with the divorce - but the reinforcement from this meeting today - the further removal of lingering doubts - has been so affirming.
I share so many of my struggles here on this board. Today, I want to share what I view as success!!!!
Hugs,
MamaKit
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Thank you, MamaKit, for sharing your wonderful news about your son!!
I know you have been through so much...but by sharing your story, I think you have helped many people today.
For those who still struggle with doubt and fear about removing a child from a home with active addiction...this is a wonderful success story!
I know you have been through so much...but by sharing your story, I think you have helped many people today.
For those who still struggle with doubt and fear about removing a child from a home with active addiction...this is a wonderful success story!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
((((((((((((MamaKit)))))))))))))Thank you so much for sharing this today.
Those of us who know what its like to lie awake at night and wonder how the disease of alcoholism will effect our innocent children completely understand how important and wonderful this meeting was today.
I wish I could give you a big old celebratory hug in person today but since I can't, I'll settle for doing the happy dance in your honor.
I'm sure your post today will give alot of people inspiration and hope that we can make our kids' life better whether the alcoholic continues drinking or not. I know you've inspired me to keep working my program. Isn't it great to KNOW that our fate and the fate of our children ARE NOT tied to that of the alcoholic? You took some big, brave steps to change things for you and your kids and you should be so proud and happy today.
Let's celebrate!! I think an SR party is in order.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Yes!
Me too! I can't talk enough about the transformative power in taking all the energy that we put into worrying about the addict into caring for ourselves and achieving our own goals.
I'm dancing for you today, girl!
Those of us who know what its like to lie awake at night and wonder how the disease of alcoholism will effect our innocent children completely understand how important and wonderful this meeting was today.
I wish I could give you a big old celebratory hug in person today but since I can't, I'll settle for doing the happy dance in your honor.
I wish I could give you a big old celebratory hug in person today but since I can't, I'll settle for doing the happy dance in your honor.
I'm dancing for you today, girl!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 877
I'm so happy for you both.. When even one child is doing better, the whole world is a better place!
Everyime someone posts on SR about kids doing well, I feel so genuinely uplifted. I think a little part of me is healed by their successes. Thanks for sharing.
Everyime someone posts on SR about kids doing well, I feel so genuinely uplifted. I think a little part of me is healed by their successes. Thanks for sharing.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 391
I almost didn't post this today because I wasn't sure people would get it - when I expressed what a victory this felt like. (silly me)
By the way, I never let the concerns of ADHD influence me and never pursued them. I trusted myself on this when I couldn't trust myself on much.
Thank you all for celebrating with me. I agree it deserves celebration. He is such a fabulous kid who was experiencing the trauma and showing scars of being the child of an active alcoholic. He really absorbed and internalized so much.
I have such a feeling of hope for him today. He is going to be okay. We are on the right path.
We've had some other small victories in terms of his anxiety and feeling okay about himself too. Small successes at home are beginning to add up. It is so wonderful to see things come together and a foundation being built for him (us). Today, getting that affirmation from his teacher, so kindfully delivered - was like fitting in the cornerstone of the foundation.
For me and for my boys, especially my oldest - removing ourselves from daily life with an active alcoholic was the right way to go.
I have so much to be thankful for today....the support of my SR family is on that list.
Hugs,
MamaKit
By the way, I never let the concerns of ADHD influence me and never pursued them. I trusted myself on this when I couldn't trust myself on much.
Thank you all for celebrating with me. I agree it deserves celebration. He is such a fabulous kid who was experiencing the trauma and showing scars of being the child of an active alcoholic. He really absorbed and internalized so much.
I have such a feeling of hope for him today. He is going to be okay. We are on the right path.
We've had some other small victories in terms of his anxiety and feeling okay about himself too. Small successes at home are beginning to add up. It is so wonderful to see things come together and a foundation being built for him (us). Today, getting that affirmation from his teacher, so kindfully delivered - was like fitting in the cornerstone of the foundation.
For me and for my boys, especially my oldest - removing ourselves from daily life with an active alcoholic was the right way to go.
I have so much to be thankful for today....the support of my SR family is on that list.
Hugs,
MamaKit
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by outonalimb 
((((((((((((MamaKit)))))))))))))Those of us who know what its like to lie awake at night and wonder how the disease of alcoholism will effect our innocent children completely understand how important and wonderful this meeting was today.
I wish I could give you a big old celebratory hug in person today but since I can't, I'll settle for doing the happy dance in your honor.
I sat in my van afterward & bawled like an infant for about 15 minutes.
It was the Greatest Gift I had ever received - to know that all my sacrifices were making a difference, to know that however imperfect, the time & attention I was putting into protecting DD was making a difference. To know that she wasn't turning into ME, an ACoA who is still working on defining all of my damage.
I'll join your Happy Dance party!
LOL!
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
You just affirmed something I have been thinking, too.
I moved out of town and away from XAH, and my children seem to be doing really, really well now that they see their dad every 2 weeks for 2 days instead of two evenings a week plus every other weekend.
I was just thinking that they seem happier and easier to handle. I think you nailed it.
I moved out of town and away from XAH, and my children seem to be doing really, really well now that they see their dad every 2 weeks for 2 days instead of two evenings a week plus every other weekend.
I was just thinking that they seem happier and easier to handle. I think you nailed it.
My emotional baggage
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 285
MamaKit,
So, so, so wonderful!!!! I am so happy for you! This made me tear up.
I have had the same results. My older son, who also understood the most about what was going on at home, was a C and D student while we live with my STBXAH. I just resigned myself to the fact that he was just going to be an average student. This year though, at his new school, he has made the honor roll every quarter and has 100% of his homework turned in for the year! He is shooting to make it a perfect record for the year so he can go to a party they have at the end of the year. I am constantly amazed at my kids. They are both like flowers that I have taken out of the shadows and they are just opening up and blossoming so much! I really did not think they were so affected by our situation before.
I am proud of you MamKit. I am proud of me. I am proud of all the Mom's on this board, who if by choice or circumstance made the decision to put their kids first.
4MyBoys
So, so, so wonderful!!!! I am so happy for you! This made me tear up.
I have had the same results. My older son, who also understood the most about what was going on at home, was a C and D student while we live with my STBXAH. I just resigned myself to the fact that he was just going to be an average student. This year though, at his new school, he has made the honor roll every quarter and has 100% of his homework turned in for the year! He is shooting to make it a perfect record for the year so he can go to a party they have at the end of the year. I am constantly amazed at my kids. They are both like flowers that I have taken out of the shadows and they are just opening up and blossoming so much! I really did not think they were so affected by our situation before.
I am proud of you MamKit. I am proud of me. I am proud of all the Mom's on this board, who if by choice or circumstance made the decision to put their kids first.
4MyBoys
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
What a wonderful post and thread!
Almost the same scenario here. Last school year (1st Grade) DS had to go every weekend to his AD's for overnight supervised visits (the Court allowed AXH's GF to be a supervisor). The school reports and parent-teacher conferences (which AXH never once attended) focused quite a bit on DS's inability to focus, how he often just stopped working on a project and put his head down stating he didn't feel well (no fever, no cough, no sniffles, just cranky, unfocused and sad).
Well, mid-April 2012 was the last time that DS had to go to that house and it was the last time AXH has seen DS. The school reports, every single one, this year (DS has all the same teachers) have been "[DS] is doing so much better this year!" He is focused and wholly engaged and enthusiastic about learning.
It's amazing (but not really much of a surprise) how much even "just" weekends with the alcoholic chaos affected DS.
Almost the same scenario here. Last school year (1st Grade) DS had to go every weekend to his AD's for overnight supervised visits (the Court allowed AXH's GF to be a supervisor). The school reports and parent-teacher conferences (which AXH never once attended) focused quite a bit on DS's inability to focus, how he often just stopped working on a project and put his head down stating he didn't feel well (no fever, no cough, no sniffles, just cranky, unfocused and sad).
Well, mid-April 2012 was the last time that DS had to go to that house and it was the last time AXH has seen DS. The school reports, every single one, this year (DS has all the same teachers) have been "[DS] is doing so much better this year!" He is focused and wholly engaged and enthusiastic about learning.
It's amazing (but not really much of a surprise) how much even "just" weekends with the alcoholic chaos affected DS.
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