potfree

Hello,

I hope it is ok that I post here for feedback. I've been cross-addicted (drugs & alcohol) for almost 30 years. My husband hated my abuse and felt I chose using over our marriage.

Today, I'm in AA and working hard to stay clean & sober. The problem is my husband gets drunk almost once a week. I've asked him to please not put me in that situation and refrained from calling him an alcoholic.

When he drinks I feel like I'm being taunted, teased, and my sobriety is tested. I am hurt that he has so little regard for my life, because that is what sobriety is to me - a matter of life or death. I also feel he is jealous of AA and perhaps threatened by my sobriety.

Has anyone experienced a similar situation or do you have any advice?? I've been married 5+ years with no children; it's my first marriage his second and he is 11 years my senior.


Thank you kindly,

potfree

LexieCat

To the extent you feel this situation is threatening your sobriety, I think you should discuss it with your sponsor. How long have you been sober?

wicked

Yes, it is perfectly okay to post here! You are in the right place to get help for you.
I am so glad you are sober.

I am in recovery from alcohol.
I went to rehab, and my husband followed with 6 weeks inpatient too.
After rehab, I stayed sober, but my husband did not.
Then, he started doing things that I think were intended to get me to "change back".
Started telling me how much of a nag and a drag I was. How I was abandoning the children by going to AA meetings.
He started cheating on me, and threatening to abandon me (which had worked until I got sober) unless I changed.
Did he want me to start drinking again? I do not know, but he certainly did not like me being sober.

Protect your sobriety. I had the whole US Army behind me.
I was not gonna give up my job in the Army to keep him from cheating on me.
And, I would have been giving up my job, because the Army said if I drink again, I would get a dishonorable discharge, and no benefits.
He was jealous of my sobriety and that I was talking to other people.
(i want to be clear, when I say talking to other people, I mean others in recovery.
he was so afraid, he could not see I was NOT interested in any kind of relationship)

He was afraid they were telling me to leave him, and there was no such thing.
He was afraid.
But, I came to realize that his fears were not enough to lose my new-found, sober life.
As you said, it is life or death.

Remember you are not choosing sobriety over him, you are choosing sobriety over death.
Choose life every time. Do not drink, even if your butt falls off!
Have you considered Al Anon to get some coping mechanisms for you?



Beth

potfree

Hi. I have discussed with my sponsor. She and her husband don't use so she doesn't have experience outside of the big book

Recovering2

First of all, sincere congratulations on your sobriety. I truly pray in this moment that you continue on your sober path and find a healthy life for yourself.

Have you had a sincere conversation with your husband about your concerns? Seems if he felt you chose addiction over your marriage (at the time) he could understand your feelings now. Have you discussed this with your sponsor? What does she say?

I am on the other side of this story. My ABF is entering his 5th month of recovery from alcoholism. I really believed he was going to die if he didn't get help, so I take his recovery seriously. There is no alcohol in our house, and I will not drink around him. He has made it clear that he's okay with me having a drink when out with friends (without him) but he prefers I stay with a friend that night. He is honest that he doesn't completely trust himself and doesn't even want to smell it on me. I just decided it's easier not to drink. Maybe things will change as time goes on, but for now this feels right.

Your recovery IS life and death. It's a progressive disease, can't tip toe around it. I think if your partner doesn't get on board you then have to make serious decisions for yourself. Just like we learn we can't control the A in our life, you can't control your spouse. You can only make the best decision for you.

I hope you talk with your Sponsor. Continued success on your sobriety. (((hugs)))

Recovering2

Posted before seeing your last response about your sponsor.

potfree

Hi Beth,


Thank you for your reply! Kudos on being in the military ; I'm an Army brat. I can so relate to what you have written. I know I'm not one to conclude, but I'm pretty sure my husband is a functioning alcoholic. He is also not interested in AA, therapy, or Al-Anon.

I am planning to try an Al- Anon mtg per my sponsors advice. It must be really hard for you with children and such a demanding career. I'm very happy to hear that you're in recovery! I would be interested in hearing more - if you feel comfortable sharing. I think this forum has the option to private msg. I just joined today :0)

Peace & Hugs,

PF

LexieCat

Glad you are working with a sponsor. Al-Anon was a lifeline for me when I was living with alcoholics. I was living alone when I got sober, myself (my alcoholic drinking came later), but I know many people who have managed to stay sober even while married to a spouse who continued to drink alcoholically.

Just keep your own sobriety as your number one priority. Without that, your life can be in the toilet, marriage or no marriage.

potfree

Recovering2

Thank you for your kind words and prayers. It sounds like my husband could learn a lot from you!! It's very cool that you're so supportive and understanding with your ABF.

I have told my hubby twice not to get tipsy or drunk around me. I did say it doesn't bother me if he keeps his wine in the house and has a glass after work. Obviously this was an incorrect boundary I need to revise.

I know we can't cure or diagnose other people. But, I would guess if he can't handle alcohol in the house, to consume in moderation, he is a functioning alcoholic. This saddens me as I know that we don't have a chance if he can't stop this behavior.

Per my sponsor I've given it to God because I have no control over another's behavior or addiction. I think I should incorporate new boundaries like you and your BF have in place.
I like the idea of him leaving if he is going to drink He can take a taxi home and sleep on the couch. As long as I'm not a witness.

Thank you again for your reply!

Peace & Hugs,

PF

potfree

Hi Lexicat,

Thank you for your reply, it gives me much needed hope! I would like to hear about your experiences living with ppl who were still using if you feel comfortable Sharing via private msg or post. I try to think of my sobriety always as a matter of life or death.

Peace,

PF