CentralOhioDad

So, Monday I met with the Attorney that my EAP set me up with. He was nice, business-like, took all sorts of information, and discussed options. I was only supposed to have 30 minutes, but we spent 65 together. If I decide to pursue, Dissolution wouldn't work because she will fight me tooth-and-nail for custody of our 3-year old. He gave me much to think about, and nothing I have to determine today. Obviously I will get consultations from other lawyers too just to have a well-rounded amount of facts before doing anything.

He has a $750 retainer, and then $150/hr based on the fact it's through my EAP that I was referred. He said that I can continue to keep my log of things: her behaviours, booze purchases, any videos or pix when she's passed out, etc.

Last night the poor kid woke up SCREAMING for Mommy at 2:45. She was, of course, passed out on the couch dowstairs, with the monitor right next to her head, and heard absolutely NOTHING! So, I went to him, he'd had a huge #2, so we got that cleaned up, and put back to bed after some soothing.

After those 25 minutes, I went downstairs and turned off the TV that was still on, and went back to bed, pissed. I asked her this morning to make sure he was alright, and she had no idea what I was talking about. Imagine that. I told her what happened. She never apologized, never said, "oh, too bad." Nothing.

She is not capable of being a mother after she starts drinking. I really need to get to Al-Anon.

I'm happy to be able to 'talk' to you guys. Thanks.

P.S. There is no love anymore. In fact, there really isn't any 'like' either. Just emptiness in my heart for her.

wiscsober

Alanon has helped me tremendously. And I think I help others too.

My best to you and child.

I hope your SO finds recovery.

I hope you keep focus on your and the child's needs, which you write you are doing.

FireSprite

Wow, what timing. You meet with an attorney & then she has such a crazy episode that very night.... if you'd been having regrets about your information gathering I'll bet it ended right then & there.

I've often heard that the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. Sounds like you are crossing that threshold. I'm so sorry.

thislonelygirl

i am sorry its come to that but you have to do the best thing for yourself and child.
i hope it all goes smoothy for you. i agree with you though, she is in no way fit to take care of a child. god forbid what would happen if you werent there.
best of luck

outonalimb

I'm sorry COD. I know how hard it is. Please, please, please get to al anon. I think it saved my sanity....In fact, I KNOW it did.

Hugs and understanding...
Mary

MamaKit

(((((COD)))))

Ugh. So, much in your post sounds so familiar to me - particularly that point of feeling emptiness or indifference. It's an awful feeling.

"After those 25 minutes, I went downstairs and turned off the TV that was still on, and went back to bed, pissed. I asked her this morning to make sure he was alright, and she had no idea what I was talking about. Imagine that. I told her what happened. She never apologized, never said, "oh, too bad." Nothing."

It will probably happen naturally, but it sounds like it may be time to remove any sort of expectation that she will act as you would expect her to - as a caring, loving mother.

She is not capable of being a mother after she starts drinking. I really need to get to Al-Anon.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but in my book - being a mother is a 24/7 deal. Children don't conform their needs to when their parent is sober.

I'm pulling for you COD - you are a great Daddy!
Sending hugs,
MamaKit

DreamsofSerenity

Your son is so lucky to have you...

Florence

Is there any reason why you can't take the baby monitor to your room? I would stop expecting her to behave like a responsible mother.

laurie6781

You are moving forward!

Now that you have talked with the EAP attorney, how about getting some more info during the 'free' minutes with some real 'pit bull' family law attorneys?

You now know some of the questions to ask. They will know which 'Family Court Judges' are more 'about the children' than 'the mom always gets custody.

I do not believe that with the evidence you are compiling that your AW would get anything other than 'supervised' visitation until and when she can prove to the court that she has been in recovery for quite some time and is in ongoing recovery.

Keep documenting!!! It sounds like her alcoholism is progressing.

Yes, Alanon meetings can be a big help, if you can find a babysitter for your son, other than his Mom. Obviously, she is of no use to anyone in the evenings.

Remember, we are walking with you in spirit.

Love and hugs,

Jazzman

I can't even imagine how exhausting it must be. I've done the single parent thing but at least my boys were safe when thev were at my ex's place. You ever get a break? You have any parents or inlaws that can give you some off time?

firebolt

Ugg - so sorry. You are taking the right steps - Alanon has helped me a lot, well, Alanon and this place. Hang in there!

unsureoffuture

Good to hear you have done something positive. I have been contemplating meeting with a divorce attorney too just to get my options out there. My DH drinks nightly and hides it from me but doesn't really "pass out" per say because he just goes to bed early. I have always been the "primary caretaker" so I am used to being a "single mother" even though I am married. I don't even sleep in the same bed anymore because he reeks of alcohol. However I found a receipt that indicates he went through 1.5 l of wine in one night. He hides and destroys the receipts too so its very hard to know. I'm not sure how to document anything and I'm scared about having my young kids with him and me not being there if we divorced

CentralOhioDad

During the day, she is a very loving, caring person who would give her life for our son. But, after 8:30 at night, she drinks until she can't see straight. Unfortunately, she is in great denial and thinks that she's 'fine' and she just 'happens to fall asleep' on a regular basis. When this happened in the past and DS wasn't as verbal, she said I was making up stories to make her look bad. Now, he can talk and told her he was up crying in the middle of the night.

MamaKit

COD,
I hear you. My STBAXH, was so terrific with my boys when he wasn't drinking - particularly with how he would give them his undivided attention and really play with them. He was a lot of fun and a terrific athletic coach. He was great at that.
I am so sad that my boys don't have that at the moment. (hopefully they will again someday) Sadly, I used to let that good stuff tip the scales in such a way that I "tolerated" the way he exposed them to his alcoholism.
I am sure that your wife loves your son with all her heart. I'm sorry I came off too harsh. I could sense your pain of disappointment because I know it so well myself. It helped me to let go of my expectations.
Hugs,
MamaKit

Florence

I think it's a both/and situation. In my case, my AH is both a good person who loves me and our kids the best he knows how, and is also an active addict who can't be entrusted with their care. Nothing is lost by acknowledging and accepting both statements to be true.

When you're ready, you will know. Plan for every outcome.

CentralOhioDad

I never took your words as harsh - I totally agree with what you wrote. She SHOULD be a mother 24/7, just like I'm a father 24/7. I have greatly diminished my expectations of what she's capable of doing as a parent - which is really sad. I also have greatly diminished my expectations of her as a wife as well. It's a sad way to live - but I'm a helluva actor in front of my son, I can tell you that much. Which is hard for an introvert like me!

CentralOhioDad

What's "a break"? I haven't had a break since he was born! She had complications after the delivery that lasted for months, and in those months were my Alkie MIL staying with us, and many trips to the hospital with AW.

Then after that, I am doing all the cooking, cleaning, shopping, lawn care, maintenance, etc.

Because of her increased drinking, and probably increased depression, she has become a shadow of her former self when it comes to responsibilities and initiative. When we first got married, she was the organized, on-top-of-it-all type of girl, and kept me straight. Now I have to assume that anything and everything that needs to be done - I have to do it. She contributes financially to the household, and to the care of our son, though she would rather play with him and laze around while I'm vacuuming, cooking, cleaning, and paying bills. Of course, DS thinks she's great because she has all this free time, and Dad is "always busy".

My parents already died, and hers live out of the country (which is a huge blessing for me - one Alkie is enough to deal with). We don't have alot of friends because she has become more isolated, and I don't have time to fart, much less socialize, once I get home from work.

This has been a great test of my faith, but I'm trying as hard as I can, because I have an innocent life who depends on me to be there, and be sane.

MamaKit

"I don't have time to fart, much less socialize, once I get home from work."



OMG... I know it was intended to hammer home the point of all that is on your plate but that is too funny.
And it begs the question:
Isn't the first requirement of good self care allowance of time to fart?

Hugs,
MamaKit

CentralOhioDad

And we don't even have a dog that I can blame either!

Isn't it a requisite to maintain some sense of humor, regardless of how warped it is??!?!

CompletelyLost4

(((HUGS))) to you! You do need a break - although I completely get that a "break" is a completely foreign thing to you. . . trust me. I sometimes just go and sit in the bathroom (although you know that doesn't always work) just to get 5 minutes of peace! lol

I will say, that I think having an alcoholic spouse and small children compounds the stress because there is an element of protecting the innocent. I know I no longer feel love for my STBXAH either. The love was replaced with disgust and pity a long time ago, but I felt trapped financially. Plus, I had been raised to think divorce was wrong. The longer I was in that situation, the more resentment I felt toward my husband and the more protective I became of my boys - like the whole momma bear thing. For me, the turning point was when my STBXAH was supposed to be watching three of our boys - they all had various stages of a stomach bug, and I was out of sick leave. My oldest was one of them, and my two youngest which are 3 and 5. I came home at lunch to check on them and found the two youngest crying, hungry and thirsty. My oldest was the sickest, but was taking care of the youngest in between trips to the bathroom because STBXAH was passed out in the living room floor. I throw lunch in the oven, make them drinks and get them some Goldfish while they wait, then shake STBXAH awake to tell him there's chicken nuggets in the oven. He gets them out, but an hour later my oldest calls me at work - wants to know how to turn the oven off - his dad has left it on and he could smell it. When I confronted STBXAH when he was sober, he shrugged it off like it was nothing - noone got hurt, did they? When he tells me how much he loves us, and how much he misses the boys, I think about how I felt that day to keep myself focused.

Stay strong. Your son is so lucky to have you as his daddy, and one day he will thank you for taking care of him in the middle of his mother's alcohol-induced chaos.