CentralOhioDad

Good questions - no apology needed for asking.

The problems she had after birth could have contributed to PPD, and she may have very well had PPD. I do not know. I have tried to gently encourage her to talk to someone about the MYRIAD of issues she's had in her life that started back in her childhood. She went to one therapist, I don't think they were that good, and now she thinks they are all idiots and won't talk to anyone.

She firmly, and incorrectly, believes that she is strong enough and determined enough to handle anything - which means she tries to bury it so far into her subconscious that she hopes it doesn't rear its ugly head.

Unfortunately, when she drinks it opens up the doors to those evil experiences and then they all come out, and then she works to push them all back in, with the help of the booze. And - well, we all know how well that works.

So yes, I'd love to get her to talk to a GOOD, qualified professional, but that has to be her choice, and I don't see that happening anytime soon.

Thanks for asking.

C-OH Dad

jmartin

I have found one drawback to this approach, even if you could get her to go to a good counselor. My AW has always used "past demons" as a reason for her drinking. She has engaged with counselors on some of these, and spent a ton of time and cash analyzing artifacts of her past. To be fair, she has a few things (i.e. abuse as a child) that merit discussion, and I can have no concept of. But so much depends on her motivation in doing so.

It became like peeling an onion, no sooner had she explored one issue, another would surface, like playing whack-a-mole. At times it almost seemed to me that for her, this was a fishing expedition for reasons to drink, rather than a sincere attempt to put these things to rest. She has claimed to be traumatized over things that were by no means pleasant, but to me come more under the category of the kind of curve balls we all get in life, and do not merit fretting over, they are simply problems to be solved. But she would latch onto these, fret over them, analyze them, and somehow find a way to have them reflect poorly on her, and boom, another relapse. It became almost comedic - we adopted a dog from a shelter (we have several dogs) and she relapsed, blaming it on "the stress of having a new dog." I am not making this up.

It really comes down to whether the A really wants to recover, which I now believe was not necessarily the case with my AW. She talked about it more out of obligation to me, and knowing it was "necessary", rather than coming from a place of wanting to be sober. In the absence of that, there is little point paying someone to listen to them rationalize their drinking and further feed the already narcissistic tendencies. At the first sign that the counselor starts pointing the finger at the drinking, they suddenly "realize" that the counselor is an idiot.

Naturally, every counselor and relationship is different, and I am not trying to make a case against counseling, I do think it can be valuable. But the A will very often find the "best" counselor is one who does not seriously challenge her rationalizations for drinking - the rest are idiots (of course).

dandylion

Thanks for responding, COD. I get the picture--and, I get how tough your position is. This is another example of the fact that we don't have control over others. It is so hard to accept that when they are so close to us, I know.

I think you have done remarkably well under very difficult circumstances.

sincerely, dandylion

wicked

Yes, it is almost funny if it weren't so common (and sad).
This is how alcoholics think.

I am a recovering alcoholic. All other mental and emotional problems (PPD and major depressive disorder) cannot be diagnosed or treated unless and until the alcohol is out of the picture.

Worrying about(or trying to find the cause for someone's drinking) any mental disorders in an alcoholic is like staying in a burning house while looking for the cause of the fire.
Alcoholism is burning down the house.
Get out of the house and then look for the cause, before you succumb to the smoke.

I could not begin to treat my MDD until I stopped drinking.
Now, I am open to being treated. When I was using alcohol to be numb,
if a doctor said "you have a depressive disorder".
I probably would have nodded wisely and asked for anti anxiety meds.
It was about staying numb, not getting well.



This is it in a nutshell! I actually had a counselor who did not want to talk to me about alcoholism and how it effected my depressive disorder.


Beth

PS
COD, You are doing a great job with your son.
Having him "clean" with you is fantastic!
He is watching your every move and learning good things.