Lawyer Visit Update and Stuff
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
When I confronted STBXAH when he was sober, he shrugged it off like it was nothing - no one got hurt, did they?
Infuriating. I have been there, and I remember how angry I was, well, anger does not cover it. I wanted to physically hurt him.
That was a sign I was losing it!
When he tells me how much he loves us, and how much he misses the boys, I think about how I felt that day to keep myself focused.
Your children have you and the same goes for you as for COD.
And we don't even have a dog that I can blame either!
Isn't it a requisite to maintain some sense of humor, regardless of how warped it is??!?!
Isn't it a requisite to maintain some sense of humor, regardless of how warped it is??!?!
Keep on keepin' on COD.
You are doing great.
Beth
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Better than where I was
Posts: 267
Originally Posted by CentralOhioDad 
She is not capable of being a mother after she starts drinking. I really need to get to Al-Anon.
I'm happy to be able to 'talk' to you guys. Thanks.
P.S. There is no love anymore. In fact, there really isn't any 'like' either. Just emptiness in my heart for her.
I can relate to never getting a break, though we never had any children, she was constantly injuring herself, sprained ankles, broken collar bones, broken feet, 2 month stay in the hospital from car accident followed by 5 month recovery....... None had anything to do with drinking of course, just unlucky I guess. So of course it fell on my shoulders. Towards the end I was absolutely MISERABLE. My life HAD become unmanageable. Nice of the Alanon people to write the first step specifically for me! I had to cry in the shower EVERY morning just to walk out the door, needed to let just enough out so I could make it through the day. Those were the darkest days I have ever known, a VERY bad place to be...... I had to give up, one way or another. So I gave up and went to Alanon. Next time there was an injury I showed compassion, but I realized what was my responsibility and what wasn't. A lot easier on me! Tougher on her because she didn't have a full time maid, cook, mechanic, landscaper, nurse, personal shopper etc.... I took care of me and my responsibilities first. I think I was even happy a couple times! What a strange feeling to have a little happiness during this crisis, and I continued to increase the frequency of my happy moments during all the crisis. BTW a nice little side benefit from that is that it really pisses them off, but only use it for the good side, not the dark side haha! OK I guess I've rambled more than enough, but I want to thank you COD, I really got a chance to explore my past experience and realize how much more at peace I am.
P.S. I remember all too well the emptiness I felt for my AW, no love..... For me, in time I was able to feel empathy for what she was going through and I was able to respect her as a person and realize she was struggling with an awful disease. I had not shown her much respect for a time. I'm not sure if I ever could have truly loved her as a husband should again which was a big part of my decision to leave. She deserved more and damn it so do I!
Peace to you COD.
My emotional baggage
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 285
You're killing me!
Originally Posted by CentralOhioDad
And we don't even have a dog that I can blame either!
Isn't it a requisite to maintain some sense of humor, regardless of how warped it is??!?!
Isn't it a requisite to maintain some sense of humor, regardless of how warped it is??!?!
XOXO
4MyBoys
My emotional baggage
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 285
COD,
Wanted to post seperate from my laugh. I wanted to tell you that I have been following your posts for quite some time, let me say that I am so proud of you. For seeing what needs to be done for your son. And I would I would also like to say, that I am sad for your wife that she does not see what a lovely man she has in her life. I would have killed for a husband who was half as giving and present as you.
Keep on you path. Live the life that is best for you and your son. If she doesn't fit on that path, I think it may be time for her to find a new one.
Hugs, 4MyBoys
Wanted to post seperate from my laugh. I wanted to tell you that I have been following your posts for quite some time, let me say that I am so proud of you. For seeing what needs to be done for your son. And I would I would also like to say, that I am sad for your wife that she does not see what a lovely man she has in her life. I would have killed for a husband who was half as giving and present as you.
Keep on you path. Live the life that is best for you and your son. If she doesn't fit on that path, I think it may be time for her to find a new one.
Hugs, 4MyBoys
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
I'm a bit confused. In your OP, you ststed...............:
"...If I decide to pursue, Dissolution wouldn't work because she will fight me tooth-and-nail for custody of our 3-year old..."
Just what do you think you'll go for? Annulment is obviously out of the question, and in a legal sepration, you'd still be legally married (just sort of 'divorced' from 'bed and board'), and is sanctioned by a court order. Since there are children, a court order of legal separation often makes temporary arrangements for the care, custody, and financial support of the children ("for the time being"). Thus, part of the court order determines child custody. You don't think she'll fight you tooth-and-nail in this too?
It's good you're attorney-shopping; that's definitely the way to go. 'n continue to keep your log of things: her behaviours, booze purchases, any videos or pix when she's passed out, etc.; these will be very helpful.
(o:
NoelleR
"...If I decide to pursue, Dissolution wouldn't work because she will fight me tooth-and-nail for custody of our 3-year old..."
Just what do you think you'll go for? Annulment is obviously out of the question, and in a legal sepration, you'd still be legally married (just sort of 'divorced' from 'bed and board'), and is sanctioned by a court order. Since there are children, a court order of legal separation often makes temporary arrangements for the care, custody, and financial support of the children ("for the time being"). Thus, part of the court order determines child custody. You don't think she'll fight you tooth-and-nail in this too?
It's good you're attorney-shopping; that's definitely the way to go. 'n continue to keep your log of things: her behaviours, booze purchases, any videos or pix when she's passed out, etc.; these will be very helpful.
(o:
NoelleR
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Yeah, I didn't get that part, either. Can you explain, COD?
Basically, she can "fight" anything you do--which doesn't mean she will WIN, of course. No matter how "bad" she is as a parent, unless she is actually proven to be abusive or irretrievably neglectful, she is going to retain parental rights. How circumscribed those rights are is really the question.
Basically, she can "fight" anything you do--which doesn't mean she will WIN, of course. No matter how "bad" she is as a parent, unless she is actually proven to be abusive or irretrievably neglectful, she is going to retain parental rights. How circumscribed those rights are is really the question.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
To Noelle & Lexie
Sorry I was a bit vague on that part of my diatribe. What I meant to say that even though Dissolution would be faster and cheaper, it isn't an option for me because of the fact that there is no way we'll be able to agree on anything - especially child custody. So, my only option will be: Divorce.
We (me and atty) didn't really talk about Legal Separation, so I'm not sure that's an option either. For me, I think I would rather just be once-and-for-all "DONE"! Obviously, I still need to explore that piece as well.
AW, during one of her drunken rants, threatened to take dear son out out of the country and told me I would never see him again. So, that's why I can't discuss any potential actions with her because she might bolt. Atty. said I could file an emergency custody order or something like that once I file if I do feel she is a threat.
I know her parents would finance her divorce costs if it gets to that point. Unfortunately, I have no one that I know of who I could go to.
Hope that clears up some confusion.
We (me and atty) didn't really talk about Legal Separation, so I'm not sure that's an option either. For me, I think I would rather just be once-and-for-all "DONE"! Obviously, I still need to explore that piece as well.
AW, during one of her drunken rants, threatened to take dear son out out of the country and told me I would never see him again. So, that's why I can't discuss any potential actions with her because she might bolt. Atty. said I could file an emergency custody order or something like that once I file if I do feel she is a threat.
I know her parents would finance her divorce costs if it gets to that point. Unfortunately, I have no one that I know of who I could go to.
Hope that clears up some confusion.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
COD -
I think it is a brave thing to look realistically at the choices you have in this situation ~
I can only imagine how tired you are after a long day at work and also carrying the full load that you have with all the responsiblities of your home
but if you can maybe do try that al-anon meeting - even if you take your son with you -
most meetings are understanding about children - especially in your situation where at this time you don't have any other options.
You may meet other dads, grandparents and moms who would be willing to not only share their e, s, and h in recovery but also to lend a hand with allowing you some "fart time" if needed :rotfxko
Wishing you the best and keep seeking guidance and direction from your HP -
You deserve a miracle - whatever that may be for you & your little one!
PINK HUGS!
I think it is a brave thing to look realistically at the choices you have in this situation ~
I can only imagine how tired you are after a long day at work and also carrying the full load that you have with all the responsiblities of your home
but if you can maybe do try that al-anon meeting - even if you take your son with you -
most meetings are understanding about children - especially in your situation where at this time you don't have any other options.
You may meet other dads, grandparents and moms who would be willing to not only share their e, s, and h in recovery but also to lend a hand with allowing you some "fart time" if needed :rotfxko
Wishing you the best and keep seeking guidance and direction from your HP -
You deserve a miracle - whatever that may be for you & your little one!
PINK HUGS!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Oh, I see, I just googled it--lol, I never heard of "dissolution" as being anything other than a synonym for divorce (in NJ, divorce is divorce, though you can do it on no-fault or fault grounds). Now I get it. The advantage in the way we do it here is that you don't need the other party's agreement to get a no-fault divorce--you need only irreconcilable differences and a year's separation.
The advantage in the way we do it here is that you don't need the other party's agreement to get a no-fault divorce--you need only irreconcilable differences and a year's separation.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
BTW, the fact that she talks in her "drunken rants" about taking your son out of the country doesn't mean that much. Is she organized enough to actually accomplish something like that? Sounds like just the usual quacking. If she actually did something like that she would be exposing herself to some pretty serious criminal charges, in addition to jeopardizing any rights she might otherwise have, once the authorities caught up with her (and they usually do).
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Originally Posted by LexieCat
BTW, the fact that she talks in her "drunken rants" about taking your son out of the country doesn't mean that much. Is she organized enough to actually accomplish something like that? Sounds like just the usual quacking. If she actually did something like that she would be exposing herself to some pretty serious criminal charges, in addition to jeopardizing any rights she might otherwise have, once the authorities caught up with her (and they usually do).
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: seeking sanity
Posts: 645
COD
You said, " There is no love anymore. In fact, there really isn't any 'like' either. Just emptiness in my heart for her."
When I finally felt that way about my XAH I looked at it as a HUGE gift that had been given to me. The path I needed to take became much more clear.
Prayers for you on your journey.
You said, " There is no love anymore. In fact, there really isn't any 'like' either. Just emptiness in my heart for her."
When I finally felt that way about my XAH I looked at it as a HUGE gift that had been given to me. The path I needed to take became much more clear.
Prayers for you on your journey.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Great Lakes
Posts: 84
Originally Posted by LexieCat
Oh, I see, I just googled it--lol, I never heard of "dissolution" as being anything other than a synonym for divorce (in NJ, divorce is divorce, though you can do it on no-fault or fault grounds). Now I get it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
I feel like "fart time" needs to be adopted as part of the SR lexicon.
When I was a single mother of a toddler (Oh wait! I am again!) I used to joke that I didn't have time to poop or the dignity to do it with the doors closed.
COD, it looks like you're going to have to learn how to multitask! I suggest you learn how to fart while you work, or drive, or sleep. It saves me tons of time.
When I was a single mother of a toddler (Oh wait! I am again!) I used to joke that I didn't have time to poop or the dignity to do it with the doors closed.
COD, it looks like you're going to have to learn how to multitask! I suggest you learn how to fart while you work, or drive, or sleep. It saves me tons of time.
My emotional baggage
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 285
Originally Posted by CentralOhioDad
Yes, it probably is quacking. However, she is very smart and devious enough, to do something like that. I would put nothing past her in regards to what she could possibly do.
Just remember that to take your son out of the country she will need a passport which she cannot get without you physically being there. If your son has one take it and hide it. Believe me I looked into this since my STBXAH is from Ireland and still has family there. There is so much quacking and empty threats that happen when the status quo is threatened. I was told he would take the kids out of the country, another time told he would move to Alaska and we would never see him again (I wish), another time told he would prove what a bad Mom I am and would get the kids full time.
Look where we are now. I currently have full custody, he has supervised visits. He constantly likes to have it brought up in court that he is so great with his military background and he is a police officer, don't you know........he must be a responsible parent. Facts speak for themselves. Keep documenting, documenting, documenting. It has saved my life in court. And this is all stuff that only I was witness to. My notes and calendars have been enough so far.
Decide what will be best for you and your son and ask for more. Then when you get a little less in court, you will be happy with what you get.
4MyBoys
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: PA
Posts: 25
Hello COD – firstly you are one of the first to welcome me to this site, again thanks to you. Your kind words and support have helped me perhaps I can offer a little to you - our stories are very, very similar. My child is 4. My AW drinks every night. In the recent past she has enjoyed the “fun” time buzzed with my child while work is done around her. I share the hurt and pain in your words.
One of the things that helped me is documenting. It helps me remember that I am not nuts when she tries to lie or spin her junk after a bender, but more importantly it helps me see how much I am doing daily to help my child. By documenting, day care drop offs/ pick ups, who makes dinner, medical visits, night time poo clean ups, book readings, toy time etc I am creating information that will help with a custody case, but that also shows me what is important to this innocent life.
I also document her mischiefs. Gathering data does not mean that the relationship is doomed. This was one fear that kept me from taking pictures and video, keeping receipts and good notes of what was happening at an earlier time.
Based on the advice I have been given, detailed documentation is part of what is necessary to defend myself and kiddo from my AW when/(if) we divorce. I have found that quality data takes time to gather but I have also found that documenting and gathering of the data helps my piece of mind. It helps me to know that each day I am putting more horsepower in the case to defend my 4yo. Each piece of information is like money going into a savings account that used for the most important withdrawal I can make; the protection of my child.
For me, I still hope for the miracle within my family that will turn things in a healing direction. I wish the very same for you and your family.
I have tears for you my friend; I sincerely know your pain, frustration, loneliness and hurt.
Wishing you the very, very best,
PS
One of the things that helped me is documenting. It helps me remember that I am not nuts when she tries to lie or spin her junk after a bender, but more importantly it helps me see how much I am doing daily to help my child. By documenting, day care drop offs/ pick ups, who makes dinner, medical visits, night time poo clean ups, book readings, toy time etc I am creating information that will help with a custody case, but that also shows me what is important to this innocent life.
I also document her mischiefs. Gathering data does not mean that the relationship is doomed. This was one fear that kept me from taking pictures and video, keeping receipts and good notes of what was happening at an earlier time.
Based on the advice I have been given, detailed documentation is part of what is necessary to defend myself and kiddo from my AW when/(if) we divorce. I have found that quality data takes time to gather but I have also found that documenting and gathering of the data helps my piece of mind. It helps me to know that each day I am putting more horsepower in the case to defend my 4yo. Each piece of information is like money going into a savings account that used for the most important withdrawal I can make; the protection of my child.
For me, I still hope for the miracle within my family that will turn things in a healing direction. I wish the very same for you and your family.
I have tears for you my friend; I sincerely know your pain, frustration, loneliness and hurt.
Wishing you the very, very best,
PS
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Thank You, Everyone!
I just wanted to thank you all for your kindness and support - not only in regards to this post, but for everything.
I was proud of myself for not making a snide comment the other nite to AW that she "had once again passed out and couldn't tend to our child". But then I thought - she knows that already, and I don't need her to take care of our son, I am fully capable!
Yes, I do have resentments at times knowing she gets 'fun time' with son while I'm doing the work - but also maybe he'll be more self-sufficient when he grows up and will know how to: cook, clean, do laundry, house repairs, do dishes, and vacuum - because I showed him how. He likes to 'help' me when I'm doing these things sometimes, although his help usually requires 3x more time involvement, but it's time invested in his development.
At least I don't have to teach him how to fart - he's got that down!
Hope you all have a splendid weekend!
C-OH Dad
I was proud of myself for not making a snide comment the other nite to AW that she "had once again passed out and couldn't tend to our child". But then I thought - she knows that already, and I don't need her to take care of our son, I am fully capable!
Yes, I do have resentments at times knowing she gets 'fun time' with son while I'm doing the work - but also maybe he'll be more self-sufficient when he grows up and will know how to: cook, clean, do laundry, house repairs, do dishes, and vacuum - because I showed him how. He likes to 'help' me when I'm doing these things sometimes, although his help usually requires 3x more time involvement, but it's time invested in his development.
At least I don't have to teach him how to fart - he's got that down!
Hope you all have a splendid weekend!
C-OH Dad
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear CentralOhioDad, please excuse me--and ignoreme, if this is an inappropriate question at this point--but I am wondering if your wife ever had--or was evaluated for--post-partum depression after the birth of your son. You indicated that she had some pretty serious problems surrounding the birth.
Another question---have the two of you ever discussed her being evaluated by a psychiatrist---(because of the medical training) ? I am just wondering, because post-partum depressions sometimes go undiagnosed and are then "self-medicated". (Not implying that there is not a serious alcohol problem, of course).
very sincerely, dandylion
Another question---have the two of you ever discussed her being evaluated by a psychiatrist---(because of the medical training) ? I am just wondering, because post-partum depressions sometimes go undiagnosed and are then "self-medicated". (Not implying that there is not a serious alcohol problem, of course).
very sincerely, dandylion
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