update- I am worse than I thought

Old 04-23-2013, 05:23 PM
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Hi Patty,

I don't know much about your situation but your ex sounds like the horrible/sick person. Why would she take you to court for custody of your kids, lose, and then refuse to see them when you offer? This doesn't make any sense at all to me.

I think what people are reacting to is the idea of the kids being used as pawns in your relationship with your ex. I'm not saying this is happening because I don't fully understand the situation, but your post kind of made it sound that way.

Of course you need support, and I hope you get it here. It sounds like going on the cruise alone with your kids is a great idea.

Hugs.
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Old 04-23-2013, 05:24 PM
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You are not going to get support to continue on your path of self destruction.
You are not a horrible person. You are a mother making mistakes.
It is time to get off the cross, put your children first and your violent baby slapping ex gf out of your lives forever.

I have hurt my ex, my kids, myself.
Why does your ex come first in this list?
No need to answer this.

Could you read your first post as an outsider?
It would be an eye opener for you.
Maybe you can see why I am reacting the way I am.
I cannot speak for anyone else, but I am triggered by the children being hurt.
It brings out the worst fear and anger in me.
Striking an ugly nerve is another way for saying triggering someone.
I am triggered by your apparent inability to put yourself first.
Not your ex girlfriend.

You are still here patty. That is good. Keep your mind open to others who have been there.

Now, I have to leave it alone. I am feeling helpless. I hope you hear what you need to hear patty.

Beth
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Old 04-23-2013, 05:32 PM
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The kids know I'm there other parent... I don't know how u can sleep at night. U must b filled with so much hate that u can't see or care to see the damage u r doing to the kids
U r aren't justified in stealing and destroying my kids love for me. Or using me for one last f*ck. I hope one day u realize what u have done. U and ur best friend can hi-five now
Forgive me for saying so, but this is not someone who loves you or the kids. If she loved you, she would respect your boundaries, she would respect and work with you on decisions involving the kids (who they should or should NOT be around). She would allow you the space and time you need to make the best decisions for you. You may see and hear pain, but her actions do not match her words. I don't trust people whose actions don't match their words.
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Old 04-23-2013, 05:36 PM
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Wicked,
I get a lot out of reading what others have written, because it never seems to change with an A. I listen to what the old timers have said and I try to learn. I give myself credit for stepping away, asking for space and NC, and letting her decide to leave them. That will help my guilt in the long run. I didn't take them...she chose to walk when it couldn't be on her terms.
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Old 04-23-2013, 05:40 PM
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I believe my ex loved me the best way he knew how.

That does not mean that his behavior was okay.

From what you are saying she did choose to walk away. She also choose to not treat your kids appropriately, and she chooses to continue to use her DOC.

I am not saying she is in her best thinking when she does those things....but they are just as much a part of her as the loving, kind and wonderful person that is there too.

It did not change in my relationship until I changed....then it stopped mattering what the A did. I was on the road to recovery.
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Old 04-23-2013, 05:42 PM
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Dreams,

I can't wait to take my girls on the cruise! They are very excited and I am looking forward to 8 uninterrupted days with them! I have been going to counseling, reading, posting. I felt like I had come so far and my biggest fear...being sucked back in, came to pass this weekend and I survived. I looked at the situation and didn't just do what I've always done. I now recognize that anxious feeling isn't excitement or love, but my fight or flight reflex kicking in. My subconscious trying to warn me of danger.
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Old 04-23-2013, 05:45 PM
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as a mom here is the ONE thing I know for SURE about parenting.....EVERY decision we make effects our children. thus EVERY decision we make should be to THEIR benefit, before our own selfish wants and needs. see our kids...they have NO choice, NO say, in what the adults charged with their care and future do. they don't get to choose what type of influences are in their lives, what they eat for dinner, where they live, what they are taught. they are the MERCY of their guardians.
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Old 04-23-2013, 06:24 PM
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I really am so sorry you are in such pain--I'm glad you will be vacationing with your children soon.

I hope that this trip provides you with some much needed rest, space, and time away from this situation.

I hope you come to realize that you and your girls deserve so much more.

Please take good care!
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Old 04-23-2013, 06:56 PM
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Hey PattyG - I have been thinking about you and wondering what happened.

Sweetie, with hugs and all this is simple - she is your drug of choice.

So as we tell all those whom are addicted - you have to make the choice to put down the drug and find your sober fulfilling life.

Put down the drug Patty - you know nothing good will come out of this. Its drama and sex. Passion. Its not the foundation for stability or life long commitment.

You are addicted to the merry go round of highs and lows with this woman. As for your kids, well kids will miss a stuffed animal. Is she really GOOD for your children? I mean you can't even trust her to be with them alone. Its a managed relationship it isn't real just a figment of what you want it to be.

At some point hopefully you will recognize this is an addiction and that the substance for true love and a lasting relationship isn't there. Sorry for all you have been through - glad you won in court *****!
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Old 04-24-2013, 03:17 AM
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Red,
Thank you. You are right. She is my drug, I have come to recognize it and it is a managed relationship, at best. I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, yet often i need to see the pattern/past and accept it. I am working on it. I am so thankful I won in court. It seems to me control and ownership of my kids is paramount to her. I had refused to let her see them "one last time" for good-bye because I would never put them through that. From our conversations last week, I believed she was willing to have a more casual relationship with them, ie. see them every few weeks, like as a family friend. I know now that isn't possible.
Her anger at me for trying to take time to think this through before deciding anything is typical. I just got an email this morning:

U think I'm stupid... your best friend talked u into stealing my kids from me so u can play house with her. I pray every day to see justice in this life. Ur hands r more dirty than hers. My innocent kids r left with u two...that totally lack in moral character... U believe if ur not caught its OK to steal and lie to get what u want. My kids r left to the wolf in sheep clothing and her pack. U'll see their love will turn on u for taking them from me. U lie to urself... Ask Mary (the old babysitter) how many times u told her not to let me see the kids. U lived to hurt me. U got one more feeding off my hurt..ur one last f*ck to f*ck with my head giving me false hope of us being a family. I loved u...again u played me. I'm such a fool...not anymore
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Old 04-24-2013, 06:03 AM
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She had said to me over the course of the weekend, that she had given up hope on the relationship last Fall, when i let my best friend use the garage...thus she interpreted it to mean she wasn't important. (the garage has ALWAYs been a major fixation for her) She admittedly hates my best friend, and the feeling is mutual. My best friend lives across the street, works on all my rentals and has been verbally abused by my XAGF several times. My best friend has told me in no uncertain terms that if my XAGF comes back she is moving. My ex has said that unless I am willing to put "boundaries" on my friendship with her, I need to "let her go" (meaning my XAGF) she can't hurt again like this.
It helps me when I can see the machine behind the beast. In this situation, a BOUNDARY would have been your ex saying, "I won't be with someone who is this enmeshed with their BFF." (Regardless of whether you are actually enmeshed with your BFF, just bear with me.) She wouldn't need to discuss it with you or make it a topic of conversation for months. What your ex is actually doing here, however, is threatening you. She is saying, if you don't do what I want, I'm going to cause trouble, anxiety, and drama in your life. And the anxiety of anticipating all this trouble is enough to send you into a tailspin!

Believe me, I've been there.

Here's something I heard recently that I realized the hard way: An active addict only has relationships with people who enable them.

She is an active addict. She will threaten you and cause drama in your life as long as you remain engaged with her. The only way to get away from all the drama and anxiety is to stop enabling her, which includes taking her calls and texts, meeting her, entertaining the idea of being together or vacationing together, giving her money, and negotiating visitations with the kids (who she has NO rights to whatsoever).

Continuing to engage with her and the ensuing drama is more telling of YOUR circumstances than hers. I also learned this the hard way. The only way out (in my humble opinion!) is therapy, a real recovery support system, and strict boundaries about having relationships with addicts, i.e. don't do it.

Peace.
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Old 04-24-2013, 06:07 AM
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So true Florence. It helps to go back and read my previous threads. The pattern is there.
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Old 04-24-2013, 06:14 AM
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There are hundreds of millions of other people who are well-adjusted and would welcome you in to their lives to develop wonderful relationships with you and the children.
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Old 04-24-2013, 06:28 AM
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Patty, there is a saying we use here and that is "Stop looking for bread in a hardware store".
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Old 04-24-2013, 06:38 AM
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no attacking here patty,

i am sorry you are in so much pain. I wish one of us could make it better for you but only you can and i cant say what the right decision is but i can say that it sounds like you arent pulling any punches and putting you and the kids first. THATS GREAT!
remember, her negativity and problems are HERS and her choices are HERS.
she can be apart of yalls lives in a healthy way if she chose too but it doesnt sound like shes making the right decisions and you clearly are.
carry on and know your being the adult here and making a great life for the kids.
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Old 04-24-2013, 07:12 AM
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I respectfully disagree that "she can be a part of yall's lives in a healthy way if she chose to".

I don't believe you do this to children. Aren't they all under 5 years old? At that age, they can recover from her absence.

What children don't recover as easily from is the yo-yo of on-again/off-again. She is NOT a family friend. She believes that they are HER kids. They are not. They are Patty's kids and they should be shielded from intense relationships that engage their hearts and then don't last.

There is no way to know up-front which relationships will last, and that is why it is important not to let children develop super-close attachments to SO's who may turn out to be insignificant.

Every time my XAH and his high-drama GF break up or argue (which is often), my children come home upset. They love her. For the sake of my children, I wish they would commit and marry and put an end to all this teenaged drama.

I am highly protective of children's emotions and consistency and predictability for them is essential to my doing my job as their mother.

This former GF is spiteful, mean, manipulative and she is possessive of Patty's kids. She does NOT exhibit the ability to be a "family friend."
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Old 04-24-2013, 07:19 AM
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Sorry u are so troubled. You said she slapped your 4yr old in the face. That is child abuse. Keep yourself and your children safe. I know it hurts but stop focusing on the good times and side of her and focus on the bad alcoholic times and what she is doing to you and your children. Kids are resilient and will love anyone that plays with them. They don't need an abusive parent anywhere near them. Next time she might do something worse. Hugs and strength
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Old 04-24-2013, 07:26 AM
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patty, if I have the numbers right, you have about 6 or 7 days to get ready to take your children on a cruise. there is a LOT to accomplish now in a short period of time. I think you said it was an 8 day cruise? that's 8 days worth of outfits for 5 people, day wear, pj's, swimsuits, shorts, nice outfit for dinner, undies, diapers, sunscreen, Dramamine, medications, suitcases, toothbrushes, toothpaste, shampoo.....ID, copies of birth certificates, copies of your itinerary...someone to watch to house, having the mail held, talks with the children as age appropriate about the trip, expectations, and behavior. activities, books, games, toys.

the list goes on. why not just focus on THAT? and let all the other stuff GO? you don't have the time or energy to waste on anything else. you keep talking about wanting a family....sweetie, you HAVE one. you don't need anything else!!!

did I mention sunscreen???
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Old 04-24-2013, 07:29 AM
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I'm highly triggered with this whole thing so I've been struggling with offering any advice but I have to DITTO DITTO DITTO to Stella here.

My AH loves our DD very much but that didn't keep him from acting like an alcoholic moron & making questionable decisions that put her well-being & safety at risk & you can bet the farm that I squashed that the very minute I saw it happening. NO ONE gets to ruin my daughter, not even her OWN father. NO ONE!

She HAS to come first because the rest of her life is being built on the foundation she is building right now. It's just not one of those things that you get a 2nd chance at.
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Old 04-24-2013, 04:17 PM
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Thank you all. I apologize for posting the emails, I didn't realize I was violating a rule. I guess I just wanted feedback for what she was saying, and exactly how it was being said. I feel a lot better tonite. More calm. I have been packing for our trip, making arrangements for my son and mom while I'm gone. Her anger is palpable in her emails. I hope it fizzles out. I haven't responded to her emails, and my phone is blocked. Writing here helps me. I went back and read all my previous threads, I had forgotten how last Fall she had threatened me with code enforcement and I felt trapped by it. She had been trying to say she was with me all summer, but there in black and white was my writing that she wasn't. I was beginning to doubt MY memory.
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