Angry
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 3
Angry
I have been going through the cycle of alcoholism with my live in alcoholic boyfriend for far too long and I have so much anger, at times it feels like straight hatred towards him. I just don't know how to deal with my anger. If I'm not angry, then I am crying/ sobbing hysterically. I think I am finally at the end of my rope and ready to walk away for good, but just when I think I've mustered up the strength to leave, he sobers up just long enough to beg forgiveness and win me over with his lies. I have lost all hope. I have absolutely no trust in him or this relationship, and then anger is consuming me. I have been battling depression for years and being in this relationship has really taken a toll on me. I find myself fantasizing about suicide at times because I feel trapped. Just today I drove around aimlessly and several times considered gunning my car into oncoming traffic. The very sight of the alcoholic just makes my blood boil. I feel guilty about being so angry but then rages takes over and I lose it!!! He has hurt me in the past physically because I have pushed him or provoked him. I just don't know what to do anymore...
I've tried alanon and while it gives me temporary comfort/ peace, as soon as I walk into the house, the madness starts all over again. How do I finally walk away? I feel so weak. This relationship is killing me...
I've tried alanon and while it gives me temporary comfort/ peace, as soon as I walk into the house, the madness starts all over again. How do I finally walk away? I feel so weak. This relationship is killing me...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: NE Wisconsin USA
Posts: 6,223
This is not your fault. The abuse needs to end for it may turn tragic.
This now has to be all about you !!!
Make your decision, but don't handle this alone. Keep getting support from Alanon, family, friends, church, attorney, abuse shelter, employer, anyone who can help.
There is a much better life without hatred. I think you are right saying it is killing you.
Time to make the decision your gut has been telling you.
Make a plan, get as much help and support you can get, be safe.
You are not alone.
This now has to be all about you !!!
Make your decision, but don't handle this alone. Keep getting support from Alanon, family, friends, church, attorney, abuse shelter, employer, anyone who can help.
There is a much better life without hatred. I think you are right saying it is killing you.
Time to make the decision your gut has been telling you.
Make a plan, get as much help and support you can get, be safe.
You are not alone.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 585
jennymac, welcome to SR, so sorry for what brought you here. Anger and high emotions are to be expected in a crazy living situation. You're in the midst of the insanity, and it's hard to not feel insane when you're surrounded by it! Do you have anywhere else you can go to get away? It doesn't sound like you have a healthy living situation and I worry about your safety if he's hurt you in the past.
I know this must all seem so overwhelming. But you're not alone in your struggles. Keep reaching out. You deserve so much better.
Sending you strength, hope, and hugs.
I know this must all seem so overwhelming. But you're not alone in your struggles. Keep reaching out. You deserve so much better.
Sending you strength, hope, and hugs.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
I am glad you are here. I hope you will continue to read, post and vent as often as needed. We are here to offer support.
I know I became someone I didn't like while living with my alcoholic. I was a hot mess. Didn't know if I was coming or going. I was stuck living my life reacting. I started out reacting to my alcoholic husband, but eventually began reacting to everything. It was all I knew how to do.
Alanon and this forum helped me learn how to start responding to life instead of reacting.
I am learning to detach from situations that are outside of my responsibilities.
I was not able to detach from my husband's addiction while living in the same house. I had to make a decision to give myself and my children the best chance at serenity by leaving my alcoholic husband. It was not an easy decision.
Please let us know how to help you. You are important. Your life matters!
I am glad you are here. I hope you will continue to read, post and vent as often as needed. We are here to offer support.
I know I became someone I didn't like while living with my alcoholic. I was a hot mess. Didn't know if I was coming or going. I was stuck living my life reacting. I started out reacting to my alcoholic husband, but eventually began reacting to everything. It was all I knew how to do.
Alanon and this forum helped me learn how to start responding to life instead of reacting.
I am learning to detach from situations that are outside of my responsibilities.
I was not able to detach from my husband's addiction while living in the same house. I had to make a decision to give myself and my children the best chance at serenity by leaving my alcoholic husband. It was not an easy decision.
Please let us know how to help you. You are important. Your life matters!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear Jenny, I think that the anger that you are experiencing is really the amount of hurt and fear that you are harboring inside. The anger is just presenting as the "cover emotion".
You have, it appears, been living on false hope--rather than facing the reality of your life with him--the real facts and observations.
A reality of alcoholism is that the drink has priority over all relationships and dominates his life. He cannot even love himself properly--much less another person. Really, this is all about him and the battle within his brain--24/7 with a monster disease that cares about nothing except the next drink--and constantly lies to him and distorts his reality.
Living on false hopes and unrealized "potentials" will finally distort your own thinking and cause you to lose yourself--leaving you in pain and confusion.
When a person is so disconnected from themselves that they are placing no value o n themselves---it is time for a reality check and a decision to save yourself--by making a decision that this self-abuse has to stop. It is time to get help to honor yourself again and to learn to treat yourself with the love that you DESERVE.
I am so glad that you came here to discuss this, because this forum is filled with loving and compassionate people who will walk with you--and care about you.
Please reach out to someone right away--alanon is waiting for you to walk into the door. See a doctor or therapist, and use this forum to learn as much as you can about this disease and how to gain your life back.
Will you please keep us informed as to how you are and h ow you are doing?
very sincerely, dandylion
You have, it appears, been living on false hope--rather than facing the reality of your life with him--the real facts and observations.
A reality of alcoholism is that the drink has priority over all relationships and dominates his life. He cannot even love himself properly--much less another person. Really, this is all about him and the battle within his brain--24/7 with a monster disease that cares about nothing except the next drink--and constantly lies to him and distorts his reality.
Living on false hopes and unrealized "potentials" will finally distort your own thinking and cause you to lose yourself--leaving you in pain and confusion.
When a person is so disconnected from themselves that they are placing no value o n themselves---it is time for a reality check and a decision to save yourself--by making a decision that this self-abuse has to stop. It is time to get help to honor yourself again and to learn to treat yourself with the love that you DESERVE.
I am so glad that you came here to discuss this, because this forum is filled with loving and compassionate people who will walk with you--and care about you.
Please reach out to someone right away--alanon is waiting for you to walk into the door. See a doctor or therapist, and use this forum to learn as much as you can about this disease and how to gain your life back.
Will you please keep us informed as to how you are and h ow you are doing?
very sincerely, dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Hi Jenny,
The A's are experts at dangling the "recovery noise" when they sense us slipping out of the alcoholic noose and breaking free.
Do you have a sponsor in Alanon? While I loved the meetings and the fellowship I found that a sponsor and the steps are what helped me to find the serenity and peace I have now... and yes... I did finally create boundaries that protected me from the lies and being strung along by the manipulative A who had me in his clutches emotionally and every which way!
The GREAT news is that there is a way out... you CAN do it! Reach out for help... if you don't have sponsor ask for a temporary one!
Keep coming back... we care.
The A's are experts at dangling the "recovery noise" when they sense us slipping out of the alcoholic noose and breaking free.
Do you have a sponsor in Alanon? While I loved the meetings and the fellowship I found that a sponsor and the steps are what helped me to find the serenity and peace I have now... and yes... I did finally create boundaries that protected me from the lies and being strung along by the manipulative A who had me in his clutches emotionally and every which way!
The GREAT news is that there is a way out... you CAN do it! Reach out for help... if you don't have sponsor ask for a temporary one!
Keep coming back... we care.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,366
Hi and welcome Jenny
I can't really add to the excellent advice you've received already...but I did want to give you this link - if you're feeling that low, there's a lot of reading and helplines to call here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html
Please do read around here and post as much as you like to - there's many many stories of people who wised up and got out of situations and relationships that were not good for them.
Change can happen - and the future can be different
D
I can't really add to the excellent advice you've received already...but I did want to give you this link - if you're feeling that low, there's a lot of reading and helplines to call here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html
Please do read around here and post as much as you like to - there's many many stories of people who wised up and got out of situations and relationships that were not good for them.
Change can happen - and the future can be different
D
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
I feel for you and your situation but reading how you want to gun your car into oncoming traffic kinda burns me up that you would take someone else with you in your suicide attempt and ruin another family!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 3
Wow, thanks for all the positive support. I really am happy to have a place to vent because trying to sort out all these feelings and having a place to just be honest gives so much comfort. I really thank you ALL. I hope that I can find the courage to leave because I have turned into this person I can no longer recognize anymore. I used to enjoy laughing and dreaming and hoping. I used to see the good in people. I still do but somehow I lost my way in the madness that is alcoholism. I love my alcoholic boyfriend very much but I'm beginning to realize that love isn't enough and there is no life waiting for someone to sober up. That's what I've been doing this whole time- waiting for him to "see the light". I have been a punching bag and I too have resorted to taking punches and cheap shots. There is a lot of guilt that comes along with that behavior and it sucks you in that you can't see straight.
And to reply to Boxinrotz, thank you for your response. I understand that you would feel that way but it was a feeling I was having in my despair. I assure you that I would NEVER hurt another being or compromise someone else. It was a feeling, a thought, a fantasy. I came here to voice my honesty, not to conceal it. There are many people I'm sure who have thought of doing things they would never do but there is a difference between the thought and action. In my anger and in my sadness there are plenty of irrational thoughts that go through my head. That's why I'm here...to find hope and strength.
And to reply to Boxinrotz, thank you for your response. I understand that you would feel that way but it was a feeling I was having in my despair. I assure you that I would NEVER hurt another being or compromise someone else. It was a feeling, a thought, a fantasy. I came here to voice my honesty, not to conceal it. There are many people I'm sure who have thought of doing things they would never do but there is a difference between the thought and action. In my anger and in my sadness there are plenty of irrational thoughts that go through my head. That's why I'm here...to find hope and strength.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello Jennymac, and Welcome!
I am so sorry you have been in such pain. There is a better way to live life than with constant depression and with an active alcoholic. You deserve so much better treatment than what you have been receiving--and what you have been giving yourself!
When you have a moment, please read through the information here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html
Lots of great information about being prepared, and making a plan. The safest and best way to leave is with a plan in place.
Please make yourself at home here. We really do understand the chaos and fear that comes with living with an abusive alcoholic...and the fear the comes with trying to leave.
I am so sorry you have been in such pain. There is a better way to live life than with constant depression and with an active alcoholic. You deserve so much better treatment than what you have been receiving--and what you have been giving yourself!
When you have a moment, please read through the information here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html
Lots of great information about being prepared, and making a plan. The safest and best way to leave is with a plan in place.
Please make yourself at home here. We really do understand the chaos and fear that comes with living with an abusive alcoholic...and the fear the comes with trying to leave.
Last edited by Seren; 04-23-2013 at 04:14 AM.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 3
@ Dandylion- thank you, thank you, thank you! I keep re-reading your response. You are so right. Thank you for giving me hope with your message. Thank you for giving me strength to face the day and envision a future free from the madness. I need to find my self worth- I don't even know where to begin- for all the "hate and anger" I feel towards the alcoholic in my life, I feel even stronger "hate and anger" at myself. I harbor so much guilt and embarrassment. I hope one day to come out of this stronger and with a strong sense of who I am.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: NE Wisconsin USA
Posts: 6,223
Jennymac049 I'd rather you write about your honest thoughts and bringing them to light, instead of fearing best not to. We move away from that behavior when we get well.
Many times are thinking is irrational but we recognize that and don't act on it.
Thank you for your honesty about wanting it to end.
Many many people have thought desperate thoughts...when I was living with an AW and had 3 infants in diapers...I had thoughts of just crashing the car...I had times were I was paralyzed with fear and could not move my body.
I never admitted to that until many years after...but they were my thoughts and I had every right to think them. I never acted on them...but abused my own self with alcohol and drugs...not much different than crashing a car..
What you think and feel are your own. No one should tell you that they are bad. Maybe they can tell you how irrational.
In Alanon we accept ourselves no matter how crazy...just like the alkie accepting their illness and powerlessness so do we.
Best to you always.
Many times are thinking is irrational but we recognize that and don't act on it.
Thank you for your honesty about wanting it to end.
Many many people have thought desperate thoughts...when I was living with an AW and had 3 infants in diapers...I had thoughts of just crashing the car...I had times were I was paralyzed with fear and could not move my body.
I never admitted to that until many years after...but they were my thoughts and I had every right to think them. I never acted on them...but abused my own self with alcohol and drugs...not much different than crashing a car..
What you think and feel are your own. No one should tell you that they are bad. Maybe they can tell you how irrational.
In Alanon we accept ourselves no matter how crazy...just like the alkie accepting their illness and powerlessness so do we.
Best to you always.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Don't feel bad for your thoughts - we have all had them in different capacities.
When RAH relapsed I wished sometimes he would die. Not by my hand but just a simple heart attack (LOL) or something along those lines. The insidiousness and strength of the disease at times made me think it would be better for him not to have to fight the fight any longer.
I hope you will get back to Al Anon - this sounds like a really bad situation. Its never ok to physically, or emotional abuse someone; however, when you have lost your own control in the situation (i.e. pushing buttons in an already tense situation) you are putting yourself at tremendous risk. For your own protection and his as well, its time to move along before you both end up in serious trouble.
How do you do it? You JUST do it. Make a plan, stop engaging with him in these arguments and fights. Take yourself out of harm's way.
When RAH relapsed I wished sometimes he would die. Not by my hand but just a simple heart attack (LOL) or something along those lines. The insidiousness and strength of the disease at times made me think it would be better for him not to have to fight the fight any longer.
I hope you will get back to Al Anon - this sounds like a really bad situation. Its never ok to physically, or emotional abuse someone; however, when you have lost your own control in the situation (i.e. pushing buttons in an already tense situation) you are putting yourself at tremendous risk. For your own protection and his as well, its time to move along before you both end up in serious trouble.
How do you do it? You JUST do it. Make a plan, stop engaging with him in these arguments and fights. Take yourself out of harm's way.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear jenny, we are so glad to hear your response and to hear that you are feeling some better and HOPEFUL! You were so smart to come here and share with others who un derstand so well how living with alcoholism can literally erode you from the inside.
Going back to wiscober's words about not trying to go this alone---her advice is very sound. It is good that you already have knowledge of alanon. There are some very good websites which address DV and abusive situations--I've read some of them--and they have a wealth of information (do a google search). Consider giving your local DV organization a call and talking your situation over with a counselor---you will recieve u nderstanding and they DO NOT JUDGE--they are there to serve you.
When you get time, I suggest that you do a google search for the articles written by Floyd P. Garrett, M.D.. These articles helped me more than any others in un derstanding the disease of alcoholism--how it distorts the alcoholic's reality and invades our relationships. I was able to detach much easier after reading these (several).
As always, your immediate safety is of the most immediate concern. You will feel so m uch better when you get a plan and your coping mechanisms begin to "click" in.
Keep us informed, if you will, as to your progress.
We care, 'cause you are important!
sincerely, dandylion
Going back to wiscober's words about not trying to go this alone---her advice is very sound. It is good that you already have knowledge of alanon. There are some very good websites which address DV and abusive situations--I've read some of them--and they have a wealth of information (do a google search). Consider giving your local DV organization a call and talking your situation over with a counselor---you will recieve u nderstanding and they DO NOT JUDGE--they are there to serve you.
When you get time, I suggest that you do a google search for the articles written by Floyd P. Garrett, M.D.. These articles helped me more than any others in un derstanding the disease of alcoholism--how it distorts the alcoholic's reality and invades our relationships. I was able to detach much easier after reading these (several).
As always, your immediate safety is of the most immediate concern. You will feel so m uch better when you get a plan and your coping mechanisms begin to "click" in.
Keep us informed, if you will, as to your progress.
We care, 'cause you are important!
sincerely, dandylion
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Florida
Posts: 127
Dear Jenny - I can completely relate to you. Not to long ago I was in an alcoholic relationship with ex that completely changed me for the worst. If you happen to read my post "12 months to long!" you will read that it's your typical story of... girl meets boy.. girl and boy fall in love... boys ends up being alcoholic... girl deals with alcoholic behavior until she can't take no more.. then the happy ending of.. girl leaves boy. However, in my post I left out a lot of my behaviors on how I really dealt with the situation emotionally, mentally, and even verbally. His obsessive drinking pretty much sucked the life out of me.
The more he drank every single day the more I got more angry and the more resentment I grew. I saw myself transforming into a monster that I didn't even know existed within me. I couldn't help but to lash out at him when he was sober/drunk coming off as bullying, harassing and controlling. I was constantly trying to be number one but his alcohol had always seemed to win over me which ate me up inside.
I had my countless days of crying and hoping too that he would change but he never did. I knew that having any type of healthy relationship/life with this man that I completely adored was impossible. It was clear that the alcohol was more important to him and this I couldn't accept. I had to make the best move for myself which was leaving him. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do but the most BEST thing that I could have done for myself.
Today my life is happy and peaceful without him. I still think of him, miss him, and it still hurts a bundle but I know longer choose to be the monster that I had become. I choose to be the HAPPY and POSITIVE person in which I've always been and chose to do the things once again that I love but neglected in relationship.. loving life, people, spending time with friends and family, conversations, my hobbies, laughing, etc. I allowed his addiction to take me hostage taking over my life. Today, I have my life back and hope that you will make that chose for yourself in being happy again. After all we all have one life to live so might as well live it to the fullest being happy. Stay strong!
The more he drank every single day the more I got more angry and the more resentment I grew. I saw myself transforming into a monster that I didn't even know existed within me. I couldn't help but to lash out at him when he was sober/drunk coming off as bullying, harassing and controlling. I was constantly trying to be number one but his alcohol had always seemed to win over me which ate me up inside.
I had my countless days of crying and hoping too that he would change but he never did. I knew that having any type of healthy relationship/life with this man that I completely adored was impossible. It was clear that the alcohol was more important to him and this I couldn't accept. I had to make the best move for myself which was leaving him. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do but the most BEST thing that I could have done for myself.
Today my life is happy and peaceful without him. I still think of him, miss him, and it still hurts a bundle but I know longer choose to be the monster that I had become. I choose to be the HAPPY and POSITIVE person in which I've always been and chose to do the things once again that I love but neglected in relationship.. loving life, people, spending time with friends and family, conversations, my hobbies, laughing, etc. I allowed his addiction to take me hostage taking over my life. Today, I have my life back and hope that you will make that chose for yourself in being happy again. After all we all have one life to live so might as well live it to the fullest being happy. Stay strong!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
