KRA

When your sister sends you an email offering to take you out for your birthday and you decide to ignore it figuring you're being punked. That you'll show up at the agreed upon meeting place at the agreed upon time and no one else will be there. And of course no one will call, text, or email to cancel either...

I got the email this morning and my first thought was: this is great, I'd love to spend time with my family. Then i remembered that my family doesn't like me and tends to not want to spend time with me. Followed by suspicion as to why they were being nice to me and wondering what they wanted. Concluding with the thought that they're punking me and won't show up and won't cancel (like they've done in the past). I'm going to ignore the email.

My family sucks so bad.

Omnom

I feel this way as well. I have def worn my family out and they are at their ended limits with the exception of my sister. She would never give up on me. Why ignore the email though? Do you think they would deliberetely try and hurt you? are you sure they are not just trying to reconcile with you? Id dig in a bit more before assuming its a scam.

KRA

I went to an event that some of my family was at (though not with them) recently. They treated me poorly while there. I took pictures of the event. No one else did. Right after the event my sister started sending me emails with no message bodies but subject lines that said "send pics". I ignored her cause she treated me badly at the event and I decided that I'm going to mirror to her (in a way) how she treats me. She's nice, I'll be nice back. She's cruel, I'll ignore. I figure this could be her way of getting back at me for ignoring her and not sending her what she wants. She's done stuff like this in the past.

Omnom

Why dont you tell her how you feel. I know you think they dont care but she obviously does if she is emailing you. Your siblings are your best friends and I can almost promise you that her reaching out is a good thing. Even if other members of your family treated you bad maybe just mentioning it to your sister about your feelings will help.
You also have to think about why they may be treating you meanly. Im not pointing fingers but as an addict and most will agree we hurt the people we are close to constantly. Maybe they are hurt too. Talk to her.

KRA

Back story: my mom is a recovering alcoholic. My sister most likely has a personality disorder and lives with my mom.

KRA

I'm not an addict. I don't drink at all and don't do drugs. My mom and my x were addicts. I'm more of a recovering codependent.

Omnom

Understand. I still sat respond

theuncertainty

KRA, exactly how I feel when I have to deal with AXH's family. "Wait... what do they want...." I'm sorry that it's your family that causes this.

I hope you're able to have a happy birthday!
7

Chino

I have a few family members that probably have personality/identity disorders. Kind and loving one time then just mean as hell the next. There's no rhyme or reason to it. I've been gaslighted a few times, too.

It took over 30 years of insanity for me to finally accept they cannot be trusted. Not ever again. Nope.

StarCat

My sister has a habit of calling me when she needs me - Mom's kicking her out of the house and she wants to live with me, our parents won't pay for her tuition can I cosign her loan, she hates her degree and wants to drop out, etc. etc. etc. I'd talk to her for hours until she feels better, then call her back the next day to check up on her and she won't answer because whoever she was having issues with forgot the problem so they're both back to ignoring anything happened and she has no need to talk to me so she won't call me back until the next crisis.

There's no alcoholism or drugs there - it just is who she is. Some of it is a product of our childhood - I remember the year my mother lay down the law that we weren't allowed to celebrate my sister's birthday. Three months later we all snuck out to take her to pizza, after my mother forgot why she was angry. Some of it is probably because whatever issue my mother has, my sister probably inherited.

She's a nice, caring person. Any time she has enough in savings she's off on a mission trip to save the world and she'll write articles about the experience for free to help the outfit she travels with attract more people to volunteer. I also remember one night when I was extremely suicidal and she talked me out of it and calmed me down and she's never broken my confidence about what I shared with her that night.

The issue is that if it's not a life or death emergency she's flaky, illogical, and will drive you completely loony if you try and make sense of it. I tend to try and avoid her outside of family functions, where I've gotten good at getting credit for talking to her without letting her drive me bonkers.

I didn't mean to type all that. I guess my point is that you can love your sister from afar. You can love the good in her without letting her get close enough to hurt you. If I were in your shoes I'd send a brief (and probably tongue-in-cheek) reply thanking her for thinking of me, and adding in an excuse about why I can't go. The other option, of course, would be to set up your own celebration with your own friends and then you can decide whether or not to invite any family. If they never show anyway you don't have anything to lose! Although I've learned that when I invite unhealthy people it's less messy if it's in a public place, or in front of people who the unhealthy person wants to impress (or both!)

BoxinRotz

There is absolutely nothing wrong with removing toxic people from your lives, even if it's family!

I weed my family and friendship garden when it's out of control!

KRA

This is sorta where I am right now. I've been assuming that my family should be loving and caring because they're my family, and not taking into account their personality traits or behavior. Then I get surprised and hurt when they act like they've always acted, which is terrible. I've been mentally assigning them all these wonderful attributes that I want/think they should possess and then getting hurt and surprised when they gas light, manipulate, lie, cheat, steal, and do other misdeeds.

No more. Now I'm accepting that they are hurtfu people who I need to be on my guard with.

LadyInLimbo

I can relate. My entire family on both sides pretty much ignores me due to my mom's lies and my dad's excuses when he was alive. In my family you never EVER question an authority figure; it's a cardinal sin to them. I made it clear, through my depression, rebellion, and later through just plain saying, that I didn't approve of how my family treated me. I have never been forgiven for it. When I had my stroke, they ignored me or called it fake. I've been sick for six years with plenty of family in reaching distance, and they ignore me. I have an autistic child. No one offers to help.

I hope to move away one day soon and forget them all. I really do.

tjp613

OMG. This is so not true for many, many families!!

KRA, Do whatever you feel is right.

In my experience, however, taking the high(er) road is always preferable. If I were you, I'd simply respond "No Thank You" with no other explanation, rather than adding fuel to the fire with no response at all. But that's just me.

Hope it's not too late to wish you a HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!