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Today separated AH pulled up in a new car to pick up our 4 year old. I am struggling in every way relative to my illness, caring for children...and here he is with his new apt, job, car, girlfriend...I am so angry.

I know this is not healthy but I had to vent. Why do I feel he just gets to move on so easily with no repercussions...

I am trying to live in faith more and remember who he is on the inside. But I am sick of the portrayal that everything is perfect on his world and I am just the witch wife that wont get over it.

I am struggling to make utilities and here he is with a new car. Its just such a punch in the face while I am going through my last few weeks of treatment.

((iamthird))) I can just imagine how mad that would make me too.
This will pass. someday this will be behind you, and you will be so much stronger, having been through many sorts of he!! at the same time.

Karma is truly keeping score, and I would not want to be him.

I am glad you only have a few weeks of treatment left. I am sure it must seem like forever, but it will pass.

I don't know how he can look in the mirror. Perhaps he is trying to avoid seeing what a wretched person he is, by getting a new car, new apt, and all. but, as my grandma always said, "You can't make a silk purse out of a pig's ear".

take care of yourself, and try to focus on getting well. Seems that thinking of this only brings you down, although I know it must be hard not to be angry.

He is his own reward- meaning he has to be the jerk he is.

((((Iamthird)))))
Vent away!!! Let it out and know there are so many that understand.

The truth is, his facade will crumble. You are each on an arc. Yours is aiming upward towards recovery and health and freedom from life with an alcoholic.
His arc will surely plummet downward if he does not seek his own recovery. We can call it karma or just the nature of the disease left untreated.
When your strength returns it won't be so hard to see past this false image he puts out there.
Take good care of yourself. Sending you all the support and strength I can.
Extra hugs,
MamaKit

its ok to vent. its apart of being a person and i can understand why.
i would be on here too venting if i was in your position but yes, you are correct.
you know the REAL him and sometimes a good struggle in life just means when things get better, they get MUCH better while hell still be the addict and shell still just be the clueless girlfriend. :)

But it is healthy to acknowledge and confront/deal with our feelings! Just depends on what we do with them. And it's when we try to ignore them or bottle them up that we really get into trouble.

I so get this feeling. Occassionally I STILL get to experience it when my thoughts wander to AXH and what an a--hat he is. He actually did start paying on his back child support when he was trying to show his GF what a great dad he is. And the plus for him was that while he was paying off the back support owed, he got to complain to the GF about what a money-grubbing, status-seeking, unsupportive, b--ch his ex-wife is. Now that GF is out of the picture we're back to unpaid support adding up again....

So silver lining.... hmmmm.... for me, I can say: I'm taking care of DS, paying for the roof over our heads, have a car that runs, haven't had the heat turned off yet... all on my own. Nothing, absolutely nothing, that is currently in my home can in any way be pointed to and said: AXH helped us get this. -- kind of thin during the coldest months of winter and we had the heat turned way down, but still...

You've got this. It may be tiring, exhausting, the budget might hurt like hades, but you can do this. Wishing you continued strength and healing.
:grouphug:

Why shouldn't you be angry? I would be, and if we are all honest, so would everyone else. It isn't fair at all!

Acknowledging your feelings and venting in a healthy way (like coming here) is the best way to deal with your feelings.

However, as the others have said, karma will get him. He will find his bottom and the fall will be all the harder for his temporary good fortune.

Just my 2 cents.

Because for a normie like you - this is what it looks like from your perspective. Trust me, there will be repercussions...you just may not see them at first because you have your own life to deal with. He's an alcoholic, remember?! There are always repercussions...

Hang in there, iamthird.
Peace,
~T

My XAH came into town to watch my son's baseball tournament on Saturday.

He brought his girlfriend and his mother. Which is normal and reasonable - they are good company and they came to cheer on my son, which is great.


He and the GF hung on each other and called each other "baby" the whole time. "Hey baby" this and "hey baby" that. Arms wrapped around each other's waists like ninth graders on a date. (He was NEVER, I mean NEVER affectionate with me. It did sting a little bit.)

But sitting near them in the stands, I noticed all kinds of collaborating going on. The two women were all about making sure that XAH was comfortable, that he was happy, entertained.

I heard the mother and the GF asking him "what would you like to do?" and talking to each other saying things like "I already suggested that, but he won't do it."

And I came to realize that they are his "handlers." They were there to make life easy for him. Like stage managers who make sure their rock stars only have gluten-free snacks and a certain brand of champagne.

I used to do that, and THANKS BE TO GOD, I was fired. Set free to never be responsible for making life tolerable for him again. I am free to take care of my own happiness and comfort. Because he wasn't doing that for me, and I was only doing for him and the kids, so guess whose life became INtolerable? Mine.

You are in a terrible spot that is going to have an end. It seems impossible right now, but you are FREE not to be his handler, accommodater, enabler anymore, and that is something worth celebrating.

Wow, stella...thanks for that.

I know better everyone. I know hes miserable inside. I need to stop romanticizing everything. I know hes no better or healthier now. I guess I was just having a pity party!

No worries, I am third. You have earned a moment or two of self pity :)

The thing that blows my mind is he was sober and working an intensive outpatient program the last year before we separated. Its something we we all as a family worked apart of. We had family night, significant other night, etc...

Since separation, he acts like I am just supposed to unlearn all of that education like we never sat in those walls learning all about this disease. He says the only way we can co parent is if i stop trying to make him face reality. The odd thing is, I am not trying to make him face anything. I am just trying to face reality myself and I cant do that and act like he hasnt done all these things to me. How can I heal if i never allow myself to confront what he has done to me and this family?

How can I be fighting for my life and what continues to hurt my heart the most is his abandonment? It is so odd to me. What is wrong with me??

What helped me heal from the pain of my relationship to my alcoholic was something I learned here at SR: I had to remove myself as the victim of his actions.

I did that by accepting this reality: He wasn't doing these things TO ME; he was doing these things FOR HIMSELF. (I was never the consideration ~ it was all about him)

Yup, often we are nothing more than collateral damage.

Incredible as it may seem, most of the time we are the furthest thing from their minds when they are rolling along in their steamroller fashion.

Actually, one of the things I discovered is that, much to my initial chagrin (but eventual relief), MOST people do not spend NEARLY the amount of time thinking about me that I thought they did. Realizing that saved me a whole lot of time and energy analyzing why so-and-so did or said something that hurt my feelings. Ninety-five percent of the time it isn't about me at all.

that's the tough thing about alcoholism/mental illness/narcissism:

Ultimately we were just an obstacle to their getting what they wanted. As much as I thought I was part of a family, a valuable contributor, a good mother, a loving and supportive wife, a loyal friend, I was only acceptable as long as I was making life good for him the way he wanted it. To him, I was not a real person.

What kind of car?

Maybe he'll get robbed.

Choublak,


I havent laughed from my gut in a long time and your response made me laugh...lmao!