desp1

Similar to most peoples inability to think clearly while under extreme pressure an addict’s misconception stems from a chemical, alien at first but quickly stored in our memory as pleasurable.

Your mind, like an elephants never forgets and reminds you automatically of that experience whenever you desire a pleasurable resource.

It takes the fear of unpleasant circumstances (the bottom) to alter or dismantle that impulsive resource. Unfortunately, the effects of the drug masks that fear while under its influence and your mind offers it automatically to alleviate the negative symptoms you experience when the drug is wearing off or unavailable.

The solution is accepting our limitations while protecting our fragile psyche from the shock and damage causing our mind to automatically remind us of our drug.

Once we train our mind to associate our drug with negative consequences we are then able to begin fighting the impulse to use it.

Katiekate

People quit because the come to believe that their life is **** if they don't.

The become willing participants in their own healing.

I think it's more about finding themselves trapped in a circle jerk, using, getting sick, using, ending up in jail, using, ending up homeless, waking up in their own vomit, using , almost dying, or knowing they will die if the use again.

Some people never find their way out. That being said, quitting is only the tip of the iceberg, recovery is probably more terrifying than giving up DOC.

desp1

"Recovery is probably more terrifying than giving up DOC"

My AW is coming home from rehab/detox Monday afternoon 4/22...(She thinks.) She signed herself in and gave me permission for medical INFO but her Doc is never able to return my calls and her nurse Eats lunch, takes Breaks and is doing a whole lot of whatever every time I've called so I really don't have a clue what other issues she might have and her plans for recovery after she gets out...All I have to go on is my AWs side of the situation and that hasn't proven very reliable in the past.

dandylion

desp1, since she has given permission for you to have medical information (in writing, I assume), then it would seem incumbent on you to overcome all obstacles to gain that information. Is she in a medical detox unit--or is there an element of rehabilitation to this program? Do you know, for sure?

Detox is merely detoxification of the body to the point of stability. Rehab prepares the person to BEGIN a program of abstaincence. Most rehab programs consider the family to be a key element in this process. I can't imagine that they would refuse to talk with you (and her)---but, you might be inconvenienced to to their structure and time frames (sigh!).

You must, also, determine if she is telling you the "whole" truth.

sincerely, dandylion

Katiekate

I can hear the frustration and upset in your post. Please if you can try to let go of what you AW is doing, plans to do, or does. Her recovery is hers and hers alone. She will do what she will do, you have no power to influence her actions.

What you do have power over is you. It's important to take care of yourself emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. Clearly troubled times are ahead, but her troubles are not yours. It is so difficult for those of us whose lifes have been turned upsidedown to sit on the sidelines and not expect an addict to take advantage of the opportunity to heal. They are still thinking like an addict, they are still self absorbed and self serving. There is a very good chance that staying sober is not on her list of priorities. Just be aware.

It's not good news, or hopeful, but it is the reality. Try to turn you attention to yourself, your boundries, and your happiness.

We are here for you, we care!

Sending peace and love your way. Katie

Recovering2

Since your AW signed permission for you to have medical info, have you told her that no one is returning your calls? She sees these people every day, she could tell them it's important to her that someone contact you before her release.

Now, honestly, when my RABF was in treatment I was told by his counselors that they would not be calling me about his status. Their focus was on him, it was his treatment journey. He had also signed a release, and at one point, I had a huge concern from a conversation with him. I also couldn't get a return call. So I explained to my BF that I needed to speak with someone. He told them, and I got a call.

If you don't get a call, just make the best decisions for you with the information you have. That's all I can offer. I do recall the anxiety I had when my BF was coming out of treatment, the unknown. (((hugs)))

dandylion

Dear desp1, I have another thought---given some descriptions of your wife's behaviors over the past few years---does she, perhaps, have, in addition to alcoholism, a dual or co-occuring diagnosis. Perhaps, like agoraphobia or social anxiety disorder/generaized anxiety disorder...etc....

I would think this would be an important question to ask if/when you talk to the medical folks who have been treating her. In fact, has she received any kinds of psychological evaluations--and, by whom? Psychiatrist;psychologist.

My thoughts-questions.

dandylion

desp1

Dear dandylion,

Frankly speaking, I believe she was “different” before she damaged her brain with alcohol. Her inability to understand simple TV plots, the news, recognize actors, or even remember seeing the same movie three times in less than two weeks plus absolutely no interest in doing anything hygienically to clean herself.

She continually repeats herself, our discussions center around her bowel movements, gaseousness and skin conditions. She obstinately proclaims that she wants to return home although her parents have been deceased and their home was sold 28 or 29 years ago. She asks me weekly if her 39 year old son is dead and one of us has to call him to make sure he isn’t.

Her topics appear to wander and on many occasions she has talked for over three hours to absolutely no one in particular and even continued for 15 to 20 minutes after I left the room. She states that she new the words and sang all the fifties songs but in addition to not remembering the names of the songs can no longer remember how they went.

Most objects have become “you know that thingy thing” and most people have been designated “you know Ship-Head, what’s his name?”

She asks where I’m going almost every time I leave the room to use the restroom or go to any other part of the house. She becomes very agitated and anxious about anything relating to me going out to the grocery, pharmacy or restaurant to get anything. She seems unhappy when I take a shower, assuming I guess that I am going on an errand.

During her rambling conversations she inserts statements like; you wouldn’t know anything about that because of your limited education, unrefined background or lack of knowledge. When I mention that her statements are sometimes hurtful she says she didn’t know she was saying anything wrong and I’m just too sensitive.

For example: we eat in a restaurant were we know the owner and wait staff. They sit down and chat with us about their families, trips and children’s issues, more personal than the typical professional business conversations. The owner is a warm caring intelligent and well respected individual and an alderman at his local church.

Statements like, “you’re just so stupid” and “is everyone from that college mentally challenged” were inserted and directed at him. I smiled and said “she’s only like this with people she likes, welcome to the family” to lighten the moment. She had not had anything to drink before the conversation.

On other occasions she would listen to another table of total strangers’ conversations and rudely interrupt and insert herself, with her negative opinion of where they’re from, as they look at me helplessly or angrily to contain her.

Mon update: She called to inform me she is not being released today, because her Doctor is off on Mondays? I really need to find out what is going on to at least be on the same page. Maybe they have accidently noticed something because this appears to be a plan to trigger her negative/aggressive response side that she normally tries to cover with intellectual babble.

dandylion

Dear desp1, I must say---something just seems amiss here.....I don't know what, of course, because of lack of incomplete history. I Do remember that you mentioned falls, etc. that have cost a lot of money in medical costs. These symptoms, if real, are such that she would not be able to "Fake" it to competent medical people.

It is my impression (I am a licensed medical professional), that she deserves a psychiatric and neurological exam--in addition to detox, of course.

*****I hasten to say that I am not giving medical advice--only an IMPRESSION, that I believe would be made by any other reasonable person. These symptoms, as you describe, are quite dramatic.******

desp1, I empathize with you AND urge you to seek competent professional help for your wife. ***This is often easier when she is ALREADY in a medical or care-giving facility.***

Sometimes, reality says that we cannot carry the complete load alone.

sincerely, dandylion

desp1

"Competent professional help..."

I have been thinking the exact same thing as I've begged five of her doctors for advice

The true mental health professionals have become an illusive, rare breed.

I haven’t been accepted into the fold of this almost extinct club and have yet to meet anyone willing to disclose or refer us to this precious resource.

Money and status appears to be a motivating factor and we are just ordinary Senior millionaires not billionaires.

Sincerely,
desp1

dandylion

desp1, I actually am specifically referring to a psychiatrist and/or neurologist, as they are medically licensed. For this situation, addictions counselors would not have a broad base of knowledge (medical in additional to behavioral) to diagnose a physical or mental illness that would be confusing the picture.

If you are having trouble getting proper referrals--let me suggest this--Contact the local "Council on Aging"---they will speak with you in great detail (phone or in person) to get a complete picture of what is going on and then make recommendation and help you. These people are extremely helpful--as they exist to help the elderly--.

I recieved a great deal of help and direction from them when I was trying to manage my 92yr. old mother who was not in a mood of co-operation. I did much of it long distance--on the phone!

sincerely, dandylion

desp1

Reality therapy and phyciatrictic institutions are extinct.

I would do almost anything to find someone to talk to about my own phobias and shortcomings. My wife’s addiction recovery depends, if our marriage survives this hideous disease on my emotional stability.

My ability to recognize and separate what would be normal relationship responses’ from enabling an addict are initiating an uncomfortable paradox that creates a wall I’ve erected to protect her from my love and concern for her comfort.

Spontaneity, affection, and attention to her desires has become a chess game were I’m always in check.

Conventional treatment would recommend I abandon my being a husband and become a restrained room mate, does it not?

dandylion

Dear desp1---are you really saying that you are afraid of losing her?

dandylion

desp1

Dear dandylion---her, me, us---I'm lonely already---I even miss you!

desp1

Dear Dandylion,

I called the local "Council on Aging"...Thanks

Did ya'll know that nobody gets out of that there rehab in less than a couple of weeks....

And if they have them thar other issues...who knows?

dandylion

Oh, desp1, you sound very lonely and, I am guessing depressed. No one should feel this way. Lonliness and depression are amenable to correction. Humans are not meant to live in these states as natural course of existence.

This forum is always available for you--and surely, by now, you can tell that it is filled with loving and compassionate people.

There is help available for both you and your wife---you just have to extend your hand to receive. It is true what they say: After a while we become sick--or sicker--than those we are trying to carry.

You have demonstrated that you are a person of religious faith. Can you turn toward that faith in this time of your need--and search for the grace and guidance toward healing? Maybe you can go to a church and speak and pray with the minister.

I still stand on the recommendations that I have given you---perhaps with the help of your higher power, you can hear these words with new clarity.

I believe that all things are possible.

sincerely, dandylion