Need to let out some anger
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 6
Need to let out some anger
Hi, I'm new. Found this site when doing one of my anger and upset fuelled searches a while back but only now posting.
I just wanted to let out some "stuff" as I am trying not to enter into yet another argument with my AH. Friday he went to the local bar in the early afternoon while I was gone to pickup the kids from school. He didn't come home until midnight. He said he needed to let off steam and just relax. I said nothing and just left him to it. Yesterday he said he had to go to the local bar because he had a present for me delivered there (its my birthday today) and he would be back in half an hour. He didn't get back in half an hour. So I locked him out, threw his clothes out in the yard in the rain. He slept in the car last night, there is vomit all over the driveway.
When I got up this morning to feed the cat I unlocked the door and he made his way inside, got into bed and is now asleep. When I tried to ask him to talk to me about what happened last night he did the following:
Called me names (fat c*nt, nagging bitch, stupid bitch etc).
Threatened to beat me if I didn't go away.
Made vague threats about "making me suffer" if I continued to nag him and make his "life a misery" and if I didn't pick up his clothes from outside.
So today is my birthday, i have spent the last couple of hours in tears and I need some clarity. This has happened too many times. I used to justify putting up with his behaviour by saying that I loved him and that we have 2 young kids who love their dad but the love is slipping away bit by bit and I'm not sure he is willing to do anything to recover for himself or for our family.
Can anyone just give me some clarity? I am going to get in the shower and try to take some deep breaths and get on with my day but I really need a hug, some reassurance and some advice.
I just wanted to let out some "stuff" as I am trying not to enter into yet another argument with my AH. Friday he went to the local bar in the early afternoon while I was gone to pickup the kids from school. He didn't come home until midnight. He said he needed to let off steam and just relax. I said nothing and just left him to it. Yesterday he said he had to go to the local bar because he had a present for me delivered there (its my birthday today) and he would be back in half an hour. He didn't get back in half an hour. So I locked him out, threw his clothes out in the yard in the rain. He slept in the car last night, there is vomit all over the driveway.
When I got up this morning to feed the cat I unlocked the door and he made his way inside, got into bed and is now asleep. When I tried to ask him to talk to me about what happened last night he did the following:
Called me names (fat c*nt, nagging bitch, stupid bitch etc).
Threatened to beat me if I didn't go away.
Made vague threats about "making me suffer" if I continued to nag him and make his "life a misery" and if I didn't pick up his clothes from outside.
So today is my birthday, i have spent the last couple of hours in tears and I need some clarity. This has happened too many times. I used to justify putting up with his behaviour by saying that I loved him and that we have 2 young kids who love their dad but the love is slipping away bit by bit and I'm not sure he is willing to do anything to recover for himself or for our family.
Can anyone just give me some clarity? I am going to get in the shower and try to take some deep breaths and get on with my day but I really need a hug, some reassurance and some advice.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
He's not going to get sober for you, the kids, his family or the cat. He's gotta do it for himself and if he doesn't see a problem... Guess what? Nothing changes if nothing changes.
It's rough! I know it is!!! If he won't stop then what are YOU going to do to make YOU n the kids n kitty happy? That's where your thoughts should be. Making a good life for you n the kids n stuff.
Deep breath..... They say it gets better if we take our focus off of them and reflect on ourseleves! God knows they could give a crap less when they are drinking it up!
(((HUGS)))
It's rough! I know it is!!! If he won't stop then what are YOU going to do to make YOU n the kids n kitty happy? That's where your thoughts should be. Making a good life for you n the kids n stuff.
Deep breath..... They say it gets better if we take our focus off of them and reflect on ourseleves! God knows they could give a crap less when they are drinking it up!
(((HUGS)))
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 170
ClosetotheEdge, Happy Birthday :day1 I'm so sorry you are dealing with this on your special day. There's lots of good advice on the boards and I'd go read the pinned threads and the other threads too. Just take it one moment at a time. Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Boxinrotz said it well.
It's simply not going to change because you want it to. He doesn't care if he has to sleep in the car, or on the driveway, or in an alley. What he cares about is alcohol more than anything else. Neither you nor the children will stand in the way of it and if you try - well....then you get name calling, abuse, threats. Their minds are warped and illogical.
Believe him when he says you are making his life miserable - you see, unless you are codependent and enabling to his addiction you are a pest - a buzzing mosquito flying around his head.
It does not have to be like this - not even while you are living with him. Detaching from an active alcoholic is imperative to sanity. I would highly suggest that you go to Al Anon. Al Anon will give you the tools you need in order to deal with him and get through this while you are living together.
For now - stop engaging him in conversation. There is nothing to talk about when it comes to why he does what he does. He does it because he is an alcoholic ok? He is powerless to it. He will continue to do it. You cannot reason with him, you can't make him understand what he is doing to your marriage and the children because he CANNOT stop drinking. You also can't make him seek recovery. That has to be something he wants - and wants badly. This is not personal - its not about you you don't cause him to drink no matter what he says.
The one thing that can have an effect on an alcoholic is to stop all codependent and enabling behaviors. I hope you will consider going to Al Anon.
Sorry this is happening on your birthday - Dont' let him (continue) to ruin your day. Do something for yourself - ignore him. Welcome to SR - lots of folks here that have been in your shoes.
It's simply not going to change because you want it to. He doesn't care if he has to sleep in the car, or on the driveway, or in an alley. What he cares about is alcohol more than anything else. Neither you nor the children will stand in the way of it and if you try - well....then you get name calling, abuse, threats. Their minds are warped and illogical.
Believe him when he says you are making his life miserable - you see, unless you are codependent and enabling to his addiction you are a pest - a buzzing mosquito flying around his head.
It does not have to be like this - not even while you are living with him. Detaching from an active alcoholic is imperative to sanity. I would highly suggest that you go to Al Anon. Al Anon will give you the tools you need in order to deal with him and get through this while you are living together.
For now - stop engaging him in conversation. There is nothing to talk about when it comes to why he does what he does. He does it because he is an alcoholic ok? He is powerless to it. He will continue to do it. You cannot reason with him, you can't make him understand what he is doing to your marriage and the children because he CANNOT stop drinking. You also can't make him seek recovery. That has to be something he wants - and wants badly. This is not personal - its not about you you don't cause him to drink no matter what he says.
The one thing that can have an effect on an alcoholic is to stop all codependent and enabling behaviors. I hope you will consider going to Al Anon.
Sorry this is happening on your birthday - Dont' let him (continue) to ruin your day. Do something for yourself - ignore him. Welcome to SR - lots of folks here that have been in your shoes.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
7********{ClosetotheEdge}}}}}
I am glad you decided to post CTTE.
Very Happy Birthday to you!
This has happened too many times. I used to justify putting up with his behaviour by saying that I loved him and that we have 2 young kids who love their dad but the love is slipping away bit by bit and I'm not sure he is willing to do anything to recover for himself or for our family.
Young kids love their parents no matter what, even when those same parents are horrible parents.
You are the one who must decide (because your husband has gone over the edge) what happens to the children and you.
I remember how my father scared me.
As far as getting sober, it does not sound to me like he is ready to hand in his misery yet, and that means you and those beautiful kids will continue to suffer his abuse as long as you are there with him.
Have you found any support face to face? Alanon meetings? counseling? When I am spinning about other people (for me it was my ex husband, and now my son) it helps me to read. Daily readers like "The Language of Letting Go" or "Detachment - Let Go Now" calm me down and remind me to breathe.
You sound so unhappy on your day. I hope it gets better. You and your children deserve daily happiness and freedom from chaos.
You can change this when you are ready.
Beth
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
ClosetotheEdge....
First of all, HAPPY BIRTHDAY. I reallly hope that you managed to do something nice for yourself despite your AH's appauling behavior.
Second of all, welcome to SR! I am so glad you posted. You are among people who completely 'get it' because we've all lived (or are living) through what you are experiencing. The details of our stories might not be the same but the emotions, fears, frustrations, and anxieties are the same. I hope you stick around. This is a great group of people and your definetely among 'friends' here.
Thirdly of all (if that is even a saying
) I join redadlanta in encouraging you to go to al anon. That program literally saved my life. I too was married to an alcoholic. We have a child together. For years I stayed because I thought it was the right thing to do...especially since we had a child together. I too was full of rage and anger because no matter what I did, no matter what I said, no matter how hard I prayed and thought about the problem, it didn't get better. It only got worse. And I blamed him and graduallly began to hate him.
I've learned so much since I began going to al anon and really began working on ME but two of the biggest things I've learned are (1) alcoholism is a disease and its a disease of denial. You can't make him see the light about the damage he is doing to his family, to you, to your marriage, to your kids, to anything. His desire to want to quit has to come from within and it has to be really, really strong because recovery is really hard work (for him and for you). (2) As the wife or loved one of an alcoholic, we play a role in the insanity. Our love translates into enabling. By virtue of the fact that you live with and love an alocholic, you have become just as sick as he is only your sickness takes the form of warped thinking about him, his disease, and what you can and cannot do to 'fix' things. We become just as sick as they are over time without even realizing it.
Please get to al anon! It's the most loving thing you can do for everyone involved. And keep posting and reading around here.
I'm sorry you had to find us but I"m glad you're here.
Hugs.....
First of all, HAPPY BIRTHDAY. I reallly hope that you managed to do something nice for yourself despite your AH's appauling behavior.
Second of all, welcome to SR! I am so glad you posted. You are among people who completely 'get it' because we've all lived (or are living) through what you are experiencing. The details of our stories might not be the same but the emotions, fears, frustrations, and anxieties are the same. I hope you stick around. This is a great group of people and your definetely among 'friends' here.
Thirdly of all (if that is even a saying
) I join redadlanta in encouraging you to go to al anon. That program literally saved my life. I too was married to an alcoholic. We have a child together. For years I stayed because I thought it was the right thing to do...especially since we had a child together. I too was full of rage and anger because no matter what I did, no matter what I said, no matter how hard I prayed and thought about the problem, it didn't get better. It only got worse. And I blamed him and graduallly began to hate him.I've learned so much since I began going to al anon and really began working on ME but two of the biggest things I've learned are (1) alcoholism is a disease and its a disease of denial. You can't make him see the light about the damage he is doing to his family, to you, to your marriage, to your kids, to anything. His desire to want to quit has to come from within and it has to be really, really strong because recovery is really hard work (for him and for you). (2) As the wife or loved one of an alcoholic, we play a role in the insanity. Our love translates into enabling. By virtue of the fact that you live with and love an alocholic, you have become just as sick as he is only your sickness takes the form of warped thinking about him, his disease, and what you can and cannot do to 'fix' things. We become just as sick as they are over time without even realizing it.
Please get to al anon! It's the most loving thing you can do for everyone involved. And keep posting and reading around here.
I'm sorry you had to find us but I"m glad you're here.
Hugs.....
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
Welcome and Happy Birthday, ClosetotheEdge.
What redatlanta said makes a lot of sense, "It's simply not going to change because you want it to. He doesn't care if he has to sleep in the car, or on the driveway, or in an alley. What he cares about is alcohol more than anything else. Neither you nor the children will stand in the way of it and if you try - well....then you get name calling, abuse, threats. Their minds are warped and illogical."
As others have noted here at SR (and this has been helpful for me to keep in mind):
"The Three C's - I Didn't Cause It, I Can't Control It, I Can't Cure It."
Hugs and prayers for you and your family.
What redatlanta said makes a lot of sense, "It's simply not going to change because you want it to. He doesn't care if he has to sleep in the car, or on the driveway, or in an alley. What he cares about is alcohol more than anything else. Neither you nor the children will stand in the way of it and if you try - well....then you get name calling, abuse, threats. Their minds are warped and illogical."
As others have noted here at SR (and this has been helpful for me to keep in mind):
"The Three C's - I Didn't Cause It, I Can't Control It, I Can't Cure It."
Hugs and prayers for you and your family.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 267
I am so sorry for what you are going through.
What the others have said is dead on. You cannot stop him and nothing you say or do can make him quit. My ABF actually said it best when he said "This has nothing to do with you." And as an alcoholic with almost 1 year of recovery, I can tell you that it is true. His need to drink is separate from you and the kids.
Al-Anon can teach you how to detach, and that is absolutely necessary. You must get off the roller coaster of emotions for yourself and your family. For example, it is your birthday. Happy birthday!!! Now go do something fun - anything. Even if it is just going to the park with the kids. Get out of that toxic environment for a couple of hours.
It sounds like you are getting close to your limit with him. When that moment comes, you will know. However, in the meantime, you need to start making some plans. Set some money aside in case you must throw him out, for example. Find out the legal process in your area for divorce and custody. Be prepared. It will not only make you feel better, but it will also give you the courage you need to get started when that time comes.
((Hugs)). Please keep coming back. You will find all kinds of support and helpful advice here.
What the others have said is dead on. You cannot stop him and nothing you say or do can make him quit. My ABF actually said it best when he said "This has nothing to do with you." And as an alcoholic with almost 1 year of recovery, I can tell you that it is true. His need to drink is separate from you and the kids.
Al-Anon can teach you how to detach, and that is absolutely necessary. You must get off the roller coaster of emotions for yourself and your family. For example, it is your birthday. Happy birthday!!! Now go do something fun - anything. Even if it is just going to the park with the kids. Get out of that toxic environment for a couple of hours.
It sounds like you are getting close to your limit with him. When that moment comes, you will know. However, in the meantime, you need to start making some plans. Set some money aside in case you must throw him out, for example. Find out the legal process in your area for divorce and custody. Be prepared. It will not only make you feel better, but it will also give you the courage you need to get started when that time comes.
((Hugs)). Please keep coming back. You will find all kinds of support and helpful advice here.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 585
First of all, Happy Birthday! I really hope you're able to steal away and find some peace and joy and happiness on your special day.
Second...I'm so sorry. No one deserves this. I have to echo the statements of others here - A's need to want to get sober for themselves, and as much as we may want to, we can't love them into sobriety. When it comes to their sobriety, we do not have the power to make them want it. But our own actions ARE within our power. Do what you need to do for you. Take care of yourself and your kids. If you're worried about your safety, please find someplace safe to go to. He may not have physically hurt you as of yet, but the threats are worrisome.
Keep coming back, keep posting, keep reaching out. Sending you lots of hugs.
Second...I'm so sorry. No one deserves this. I have to echo the statements of others here - A's need to want to get sober for themselves, and as much as we may want to, we can't love them into sobriety. When it comes to their sobriety, we do not have the power to make them want it. But our own actions ARE within our power. Do what you need to do for you. Take care of yourself and your kids. If you're worried about your safety, please find someplace safe to go to. He may not have physically hurt you as of yet, but the threats are worrisome.
Keep coming back, keep posting, keep reaching out. Sending you lots of hugs.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 6
Thanks everyone, so much. It's nice to be understood. I was on the phone to friends and family today pretending to be happy because it's my birthday. Really I just spent most of the day crying.
After I posted my original message he assaulted me by pushing me against the wall, kicking me and throwing things at me and I am ashamed and horrified by his behaviour and by my response which was to cower in fear. It seems pathetic to me that he would use his strength and physical superiority to protect his "right" to drink. My children should not see that as an example of what an adult or a parent is and I need to protect them.
I'm considering going to the police today after work but I'm not sure I would be able to go through that process. What I've done for now is that I've moved into the spare bedroom, I've told him I will no longer be giving him any money (I control finances 100%) and I've looked up local Al Anon meetings. There is one in my area tomorrow evening, I am scared to go but I am going to go. I've told him he will need to watch the kids tomorrow night when I am at the meeting.
My plan is to do this for now, detach, and make plans to move out or for him to go. Having 2 young children makes the practicalities of this very difficult, especially as I work and he is our primary childcare at present. I need to figure out the best options for me and the babies.
Thanks again. I've read some great information here and it's really been helpful.
After I posted my original message he assaulted me by pushing me against the wall, kicking me and throwing things at me and I am ashamed and horrified by his behaviour and by my response which was to cower in fear. It seems pathetic to me that he would use his strength and physical superiority to protect his "right" to drink. My children should not see that as an example of what an adult or a parent is and I need to protect them.
I'm considering going to the police today after work but I'm not sure I would be able to go through that process. What I've done for now is that I've moved into the spare bedroom, I've told him I will no longer be giving him any money (I control finances 100%) and I've looked up local Al Anon meetings. There is one in my area tomorrow evening, I am scared to go but I am going to go. I've told him he will need to watch the kids tomorrow night when I am at the meeting.
My plan is to do this for now, detach, and make plans to move out or for him to go. Having 2 young children makes the practicalities of this very difficult, especially as I work and he is our primary childcare at present. I need to figure out the best options for me and the babies.
Thanks again. I've read some great information here and it's really been helpful.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Whether you go to the police or not is your decision, but I STRONGLY suggest that you contact the domestic violence hotline and speak with a counselor. Whether you call the police or not, you can apply for a restraining order. Witnessing abuse is TERRIBLE for your children, and the abuse will not only result in physical injury to you, it will erode your self-esteem, as you can see. You deserve to be safe in your own home, and your kids deserve a safe mom and a safe home.
Please at least call. You won't have to do anything you aren't ready to do, but they can at least help you with safety planning. There are some things you can do to stay safe if you aren't ready to make him leave yet (though getting him out of the house is usually the safest option).
Hugs, and I'm so sorry things are so difficult right now.
Please at least call. You won't have to do anything you aren't ready to do, but they can at least help you with safety planning. There are some things you can do to stay safe if you aren't ready to make him leave yet (though getting him out of the house is usually the safest option).
Hugs, and I'm so sorry things are so difficult right now.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 284
Many hugs, CTTE! You do whatever you need to in order to keep yourself and your kids safe from him. If that means cowering temporarily to appease the monster, then do that, and don't feel ashamed. But, do let the fear and anger light a fire under you take action. You don't need to be afraid of an AlAnon meeting. When you find the right one for you, it will feel like a safe place, full of love and understanding. Do the kids have some friends or other family they could stay with during your meeting? It's important that the time you spend in AlAnon is focused on yourself. That may be difficult to do if you are worried about the kids being alone with your drunk AH.
Keep posting and reading. There's always someone around to "listen."
Peace,
Fathom
Keep posting and reading. There's always someone around to "listen."
Peace,
Fathom
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Yes, please, please, PLEASE call and talk to someone from your local domestic violence center. You told him that you aren't going to give him any more money but it seems like that could spark a very violent reaction from him. Do your friends and family know what is going on? Have you opened up to them? Reach out for help. It's not a sign of weakness..It's a sign of incredible strength. A consultation with a lawyer would probably be very helpful too. Lean on your freinds and family and seek outside support. There is a way out of this situation.
Please be safe. Please seek help.
Please be safe. Please seek help.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 267
I wanted to reiterate what everyone else has said, call the hotline and learn about your options, at least. That way, you will at least know where to go/what to do when the time comes.
There is no need to be ashamed. You are not at fault - he is.
I know the prospect of being a single parent is tough, especially when finances are limited and you need to find care for the children. But once he is out of there and is no longer draining your finances, you will probably be surprised to find that you have more flexibility with your funds than you imagined. I think your idea is a good one to find out your childcare options now. You also might want to consider making a budget and stashing money.
There is no need to be ashamed. You are not at fault - he is.
I know the prospect of being a single parent is tough, especially when finances are limited and you need to find care for the children. But once he is out of there and is no longer draining your finances, you will probably be surprised to find that you have more flexibility with your funds than you imagined. I think your idea is a good one to find out your childcare options now. You also might want to consider making a budget and stashing money.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear ClosetotheEdge, I have a suggestion that might make the step of calling a domestic violence center easier for you. Think of it as having a best girlfriend, that you trust, that happens to be an expert in a certain area that you need her advice on. O.K. These workers work from the heart--they are very understanding....and do not judge! PLUS--they know what they are doing and have all the resources at their disposal--that can be of an enormous help to you as you go forward.
It is only a discussion--like talking to Lexie...or redatlanta...or Fathom....people who have your best interest at heart and have your back.
Maybe that will help you.
sincerely, dandylion
It is only a discussion--like talking to Lexie...or redatlanta...or Fathom....people who have your best interest at heart and have your back.
Maybe that will help you.
sincerely, dandylion
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