Expecting twins, married to an alcoholic.

Old 04-21-2013, 07:52 PM
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lol
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Old 04-21-2013, 08:39 PM
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Yep, mine too. My ABF cries when he is drunk. It used to melt my heart, but now it just disgusts me. I feel like screaming "Get your sh** together!" My ABF made a complete and total mess of his life in so many ways, and the self-pity is sickening.

Try not to be sucked in by that. When he gets sober and has been working a program for at least a year, if he ever does, then you can hear his sob stories because he will have proven that he is actively trying to better his life.

All of our advice may sound heartless, but a number of us are in recovery ourselves, and we can tell you that WE had to pick ourselves up, not someone else. He will have to do the same.

But I am proud of you for taking this step. Do let us know how it works out.
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Old 04-21-2013, 11:24 PM
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boxinrotz, its like you're taking the words out of my mouth....Im always to blame and i'm never sensitive enough. I dont care and I dont love him and I dont take care of him the way I used to....blah blah blah! Insane.

I was away from the house almost all day today because the thought of fighting with him and being let down again was just too much. I came home to him drunk again and passed out on the living room floor! and this time he wouldn't let me in my own house. I have keys of course, but he latched the chain. So I sat on the front porch for 30 min after knocking for 10, and ringing the door bell forever and calling him. Finally...I kicked the door open and ripped the trim out of the wall. Guess i'll be fixing that too. Almost 6 months pregnant with twins and im kicking down doors to get into my house. So ridiculous. Im getting pissed off all over again. He woke up long enough to ask me if I made dinner. Sometimes I really dont know whats keeping me here.
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Old 04-22-2013, 02:49 AM
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Originally Posted by 2bunz1oven View Post
Sometimes when I see him all balled up and crying, which he usually does after about a pint of vodka before the anger sets in, I feel awful for him. He cries about his family situation, missing home, about old lost friends, and the fact that his grandpa died 10 years ago, he even cries about his childhood dog that ran away and never came back.
Yeah, they do that, it gives them another reason to drink or reasons to keep on drinking.
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Old 04-22-2013, 02:56 AM
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Originally Posted by 2bunz1oven View Post
Guess i'll be fixing that too.
That's one good thing that has come from me being married to an alcoholic for so long - I can fix almost ANYTHING around the house! Because he was always too drunk or out drinking or recovering from drinking to ever fix anything I googled about how to fix stuff and then fixed it.

It wasn't until I found SR that I realized I can fix stuff but I can't fix people.
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Old 04-22-2013, 05:18 AM
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Originally Posted by 2bunz1oven View Post
boxinrotz, its like you're taking the words out of my mouth....Im always to blame and i'm never sensitive enough. I dont care and I dont love him and I dont take care of him the way I used to....blah blah blah! Insane.

I was away from the house almost all day today because the thought of fighting with him and being let down again was just too much. I came home to him drunk again and passed out on the living room floor! and this time he wouldn't let me in my own house. I have keys of course, but he latched the chain. So I sat on the front porch for 30 min after knocking for 10, and ringing the door bell forever and calling him. Finally...I kicked the door open and ripped the trim out of the wall. Guess i'll be fixing that too. Almost 6 months pregnant with twins and im kicking down doors to get into my house. So ridiculous. Im getting pissed off all over again. He woke up long enough to ask me if I made dinner. Sometimes I really dont know whats keeping me here.
i had to do the same thing! ah was drunk so i went for a walk one night to avoid the bs and within a 5 minute walk i returned to the door locked. i had to break the door in also because ah was inside passed out in the living room and couldnt wake up for nothing. not the banging or the phone. terrible that he put you through that while pregnant though. my ah also woke up shortly after i kicked the door in long enough to ask me what was cooked. forget asking what happened to the door. lol
the next day he swore he must have kicked the door in.....wow thats pure insanity that you cant recall the night before but if something bad happened, automatically "must have been him".
lol and we all ask ourselves the same thing, why do we do it to ourselves.
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Old 04-22-2013, 05:26 AM
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Co-dependency is keeping you there.

I encourage you to read all the stickies at the top. They were so helpful for me when I first came here. I also recommend a book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. I was also very glad to read that you are going to an al-anon meeting.

I stayed for longer than I should have and violence was not a part of my relationship. The violence you describe is very frightening to me because the stress level in your house is going to go way up when the babies are born. I have twins as well. Such a joy and a blessing. It was magical to bring them home. I want to stress three things to you. 1) You can raise those babies on your own. It will not be easy but it is certainly doable. It will probably be easier without him than with him given what you've shared. It took me a really really long time to see and really understand that it is better for kids to live in a house with one healthy/stable/happy parent than it is to have two parents living in a toxic relationship and both pretty dysfunctional. Living with alcoholism changed who I was, how I functioned, and how I parented (and not for the better). 2) Given what you've said of his behavior it is not safe to have him around babies all the time. If you had one baby you could hold her 24/7 and walk out the door with her in a minute but that is not going to be possible with two. One is going to be left to cry sometimes or left behind while you make two trips to get the second. 3) With a twin pregnancy your window of time to physically be able to make things happen is shrinking. There is a high risk of needing at least modified bedrest. Keep those babies in there for as long as possible! It adds a bit of urgency to your decision making that is unfortunate.

Please remember - you do not have to make permanent decisions. You use the information you have and you do the next right thing today, and then again tomorrow, etc. Base your decisions on facts and observations, not on wishful thinking, hope, what 'could' be, or words/promises.

Best of luck and I hope you stick around SR. It was the most important source of support I had.
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Old 04-22-2013, 05:37 AM
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Originally Posted by Lulu39 View Post
That's one good thing that has come from me being married to an alcoholic for so long - I can fix almost ANYTHING around the house! Because he was always too drunk or out drinking or recovering from drinking to ever fix anything I googled about how to fix stuff and then fixed it.

It wasn't until I found SR that I realized I can fix stuff but I can't fix people.
^^^This!!^^^

I've also discovered that I can pretty much do anything. Honestly, beside the occasional dog walk and taking out the trash/garbage & taking care of the fish tank, I have been doing just about everything else around here for quite some time. With my AH at rehab now, I just do it all without him in the way and without him distracting & frustrating me! If nothing else good comes from all this, over the years, I've learned that I can cook, clean, do plumbing & electrical, patch & paint, and take care of the dog, all on my own. The fish tank seems to be the final frontier...

EDIT: I also wanted to add that I too used to deal with my AH weeping when drunk. Up until about 2-3 years ago, he would routinely get quite emotional when he got drunk. I played counselor for a long time, coaching him through and shoring him up. The drunken weepies mostly stopped once his drinking progressed to the OMG levels of falling down drunk & passing out. I almost missed the weepies at that point, because I knew he had just gotten so bad.

Last edited by CeciliaV; 04-22-2013 at 05:40 AM. Reason: edited to add
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