If we want to open up a healing space for others, we first have to find it in ourselves

Family, friends, and partners of addicts sometimes have only one reasonable decision in front of them: either to choose to be with the addict as she is or to choose not to be with her. No one is obliged to put up with unreliability, dishonesty, and emotional withdrawal--the ways of the addict. Unconditional acceptance of another person doesn't mean staying with them under all circumstances, no matter what the cost to oneself.... Acceptance...may mean simply acknowledging that the other is the way he or she is, not judging them and not corroding one's own soul with resentment that they are not different. ...Sometimes a person remains with the addicted partner for fear of the guilt they might experience otherwise. A therapist once said to me, 'when it comes to a choice between feeling guilt and resentment, choose the guilt every time.'

Although we may believe we are acting out of love, if we are critical of others or work very hard to change them, it's always about ourselves. 'The alcoholic's wife is adding to the level of shame her husband experiences,' says Anne, a veteran of Alcoholics Anonymous. 'In effect, she is saying to the addict, he is bad and she is good. Perhaps she is in denial about her addiction to certain attitudes, like self-righteousness, martyrdom, or perfectionism. What if, on the other hand, the wife said to her husband, 'I'm feeling good today, honey. I only obsessed about your drinking once today. I'm really making progress on my addiction to self-righteousness.'

It's not what we do that has the greatest impact but who we are being as we do it. Loving parent or prosecutor? Friend or judge? Any person who wishes to make a difference in the life of the addict should first conduct a compassionate self-inquiry. They need to examine their own anxieties, agendas, and motives. 'Purity and impurity belong to oneself,' the Buddha taught. 'No one else can purify another.'