Hammer

Started into this on another site, but it seems it may be good here, too.

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Some years back (about 13, now) when I was going through PTSD stuff after leaving the Army, etc. I put together a Crappy List (things I did not like in my life) and a Happy List (things I wanted in my life).

I wrote the Crappy List in the lower left corner of a sheet of paper, the Happy List in the upper right hand corner, and drew a line between them. That was my map.

Although I was deep in Crappy Land at the time, I figured with a map, I could figure out which direction I needed to be going, and could progress some that direction every day.

Even if on any given day, I made no progress towards Happy Land, as long as I was facing that direction, when I woke the next morning I would be heading the correct direction.

Eventually I found myself crossing the bright sunny fields between with Crappy Land behind me, fading below the horizon, and found myself in a Very Happy Land.

With Mrs. Hammer off at rehab, and me back in Alanon, and reconsidering all that, I figured maybe it was time to update that map.

So I finally did and here is what it looks like today --

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Crappy List:
(sadly enough this is what I often get from Mrs. Hammer -- but I tolerate it, and have to own my part in that )

The Hate-You Rages
Lies and Backstabbing
Chaos and Crisis
Envy and Owed Attitude

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Happy List:
(where the map says I am heading)

To Love and Be Loved
Open and Truthful
Steady and Ordered
Gratitude

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Looking at it, it sort of looks like the On The Beam / Off The Beam List from AA/Alanon.

Figured I would post this to keep track of me, and invite anyone else along who may wish to make the Joyful Journey. Get your own maps ready, fill your canteens, saddle up, and get ready to head out. The March starts today.

BlueSkies1

I absolutely love that!

Me and my SO, recently reunited, are avoiding all talk of the crappy list of our relationship. So far, that is working.
We are focusing on just the happy list, and that is what we need to do right now.
Processing any crappy list stuff will be done as needed, if and when crappy stuff resurfaces.
Focusing on the positives instead of the negatives--and life really DOES GET BETTER.
It's no miracle is it?
Good produces more good. Crappy produces more crappy. Let's avoid the crappy and produce more good!

wicked

Hammer,

I am a veteran too. I really hear this.

Must get my map ready.

I cannot explain how your post brought back those good memories of the Army.
Preparing for training missions. Being ready for obstacles.

Our comrades with us, and for us.

Then, we all lined up with our vehicles. (our mounts )
Our commander would slowly ride past us, one last check.

He raises his arm and makes a big circle over head,

the command....

"Mooooove Out!"

Amazing and exciting. Just as this journey will be.

Beth


I hope that "move out" is correct.

Hammer

Soooo . . .

I had my two lists -- Crappy and Happy.

And I put them on the map.

But for some reason, I could not bring myself to draw the straight line between Crappy and Happy Land.

So I took it to an Alanon meeting

Read the Crappy List . . .

The Hate-You Rages
Lies and Backstabbing
Chaos and Crisis
Envy and Owed Attitude

ALL of the Crappy List was from Mrs. Hammer's side of the wall -- my phrase for the AA room next to the Alanon room.

AND

EVERYTHING that I wanted -- The Happy List -- was on MY side of the wall, in Alanon-Land and within me.

And read the Happy List . . .

To Love and Be Loved
Open and Truthful
Steady and Ordered
Gratitude

It seemed that was all sort of like the On The Beam / Off The Beam List.

But I had figured out that I did not want to leave my little buddy, Mrs. Hammer in Crappy Land, and that was why I could not draw the line. But it was all only her crap. It was and is not where I belong.

So I sat there and listened while other folks covered their stuff around the room, it sort of occurred to me that only real path is the Good Ordered Direction path, and not the line I did not want to draw.

And sort of figured out that it was just as well as I did not already draw the path between. That would be ME trying to direct my own path. Under Step 11, the wiser path is for God to direct my path and for me to have the wisdom and courage to follow that.

So I went home and was telling my daughter I did not want to draw the line, but would rather put God in the path and follow that. We drew a Big Cloud in the middle with God on it and just a little arrow heading in and out.

Told our daughter about back during happier, saner days, when we would fly on business trips with the kids -- we would get the back-seat of the plane, and tell the kids that any bumps or turbulence were for extra fun, and the pilot was doing that to make the trip like a roller coaster. When we hit a bump they would laugh and ask for more. So now, she just laughed and stuck her hands in the air and said, "weeeeee."

So I drew the Big G.O.D. Airlines Cloud between Crappy and Happy Lands, we said our prayers and . . .

Now, today, I look around . . . and I am already there.

Happy Land.

To Love and Be Loved
Open and Truthful
Steady and Ordered
Gratitude

I could choose that anytime I had the courage and wisdom to do so.

I am already there, it was always right there on My Side of the wall.

I am sticking with God Big Cloud Airlines.

stiney

Hammer, I am so glad I read your post. Not only was it beautiful, deep, and insightful - but your Crappy/Happy list seems like a wonderful idea!
I am planning on making one for myself today, and I think I will share the idea with my SO as he is in a very rough place recently. I think it will help him think about the possibilities of a brigther future.
Thank you! And hang in there! Your little girl seems so lucky to have you as her dad!

Florence

Several times in my life I've made a "what I want" list. These were things I wanted to do in my life, but smaller than typical "bucket list" type stuff.

Think simple things like grow my hair long, or have the courage to wear a bikini, learn how to wait tables, feel competent in the kitchen. Having some of these very small, achievable goals has been really important to me when I lose sight of the big picture.

Right now, my goals are to ride bikes with my kids as much as I can. Get to the library once a week. Feel competent in the kitchen (after being married to a chef, this is going to be a long goal, I think). Lose 20 lbs. Grow my hair long (again). Get through the divorce. Complete a business plan. These are all things I can do for myself that I have complete 100% control over that will bring me joy and a sense of accomplishment.

Hammer

Had to go back and look at this.

Occurs to me I am lot more towards Happy than Crappy most days, now.

And it has NOTHING to do with Mrs. Hammer.

Thank You, God. Thank You, Alanon. Thank You, SR.

Some of that natural gratitude. Good Stuff.

MissFixit

How are the steps going?

Hammer

Great.

Absolutely Wonderful Great.

Great.

Did I say they are going pretty good?

Doing an (over) two week long "hang time" on Step 4.

Not like I do not deserve it.

THIS is where I rushed up to and then I cut and ran, last time. Three years ago, now. So do-overs are something I am going to have to pay for. I expect and respect that.

Two weeks ago we had the Resentment List assignment. Pretty much the start of Step 4. Was tempted to put it on here. Dunno. Anyway -- the next week I could not do the sponsor meeting, and then last week we had a "snow day," for the big meeting, and then this week for the big meeting, everyone was reading their resentment list (wow a LOT of Deep Sh1t in that room), and then we ran out of time right when it got to me.

So my resentments are ALL RIPE and READY.

Have to laugh about the stuff I am angry about. Too funny to me. My God is such a Jackass with me. Not like I do not deserve that.

MissFixit

That's great!

If you are comfortable writing about your steps journey here, it might be helpful to others who are curious about doing that.

I think it is awesome that you are taking the time to get through each step now. Good luck.

Hammer

Sure. These guys are so kicking my ass. Which is a good thing.

The top guys are:

1. My Checklist Aviation Guy Sponsor.
2. A Bank Examiner who has a stutter (so I cannot hide behind losing my voice).
3. A Medical Doctor -- who follows all the Brain Scan Mental Illness Medical Issues so I cannot hide there.

Hit my email inbox this morning, and they have sent out an Automated Resentment form. An autofill pdf. No sh1t. I cannot make this up. I know folks think my stuff is funny, but this is all for real.

You type in the "number of resentments" and the form self-generates the rows and columns:

1. I am resentful at ______________

2. The cause ____________

3. Affects my:
a. Social -- Self Esteem
b. Social -- Personal Relationship
c. Security -- Material
d. Security -- Emotional
e. Sex -- Hidden
f. Sex -- Acceptable
g. Ambitions -- Social
h. Ambitions -- Security
i. Ambitions -- Sexual

4. What is the exact nature of my wrongs, faults, mistakes, and defects?
a. Selfish
b. Dishonest
c. Self Seeking and Frightened
d. Inconsiderate


This is SOOO Wrong. They are using MY TOOLS. I am an EE and Software guy -- They are using my tools against me.

These three guys -- it is like a three-hole or something.

My Jackass God surely sent me where I need to be.

Praise His Holy Name.

unsureoffuture

What a great idea Hammer. I am going to make on of those today. It will give me an objective look at the things that are wrong in my life and where I need to be. Thanks for sharing and I hope since then the Happy outweighs the crappy in your life

MissFixit

Hammer,

I am laughing at your post right now. Your description of your accountability partners (correct word usage?) reminds me of an episode of Modern Family I watched last night. Cameron and Mitchell (a gay white couple) were trying to get their adopted Chinese daughter into a fancy highly-competive private preschool. They thought they had it in the bag because they hit so many minority type demographics. That is until they saw the appointment after their's was an interracial lesbian disable couple with an adopted black child. Their "uniqueness" was all of the sudden not so unique. It was a funny episode. Just when we think we are special and can use that to our advantage, life shows us that is just not the case.

What is sex-hidden? And what on earth are ambitions-sexual?

CodeJob

Hammer, oh my! Autofill PDF. So cold and efficient! No escape! No excuse for illegible writing!

So far my Step 4 is a battle of personality traits, an ACOA quiz answered by me and RAH (What an interesting overlap in answers! Why the heck am I scoring higher than him?), notes for further journaling in relation to the personality traits, and last night I made a family map tracking relatives, their crazy behavior that I know about hinting at personality disorders and alcoholism or other addiction. That map is for my poor counselor. It is clear I need to go back and start at the beginning. Wednesday I'll be just laying out my crazy family tree and the ACOA quiz and let Mr. Brilliant help me see the light.

Hammer

MissFixit --

Please understand I am not an expert (or even remotely competent) on this stuff, (yet?) so this is just what I am seeing through the windshield . . . .

I think "Sex -- Hidden" is sort of contrasted with "Sex -- Acceptable."

For example -- a bad one granted, but totally made up . . .

Doing Mrs. Hammer (although rare, now) Acceptable.

Doing her Grandmother -- (would be hopefully) Hidden.

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Ambitions.

you asked as far as Sexual . . . I have a friend (another EE) who made a study of women. And a list of all what he wanted and wanted to do. Red haired, Blond, Black, White, Asian on and on and on. Spank them, this that and the other thing. He did. Had 6 girlfriends at once I recall.

Now getting a divorce and his wife is kicking his ass. Not like he does not deserve it.

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But if you take what they are doing it is highly refined and process version from the AA Big Book, Chapter 5, How it Works -- jump to page 65 . . .

http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_bigbook_chapt5.pdf

MissFixit

Hammer,

That makes me laugh too. I think of myself as worldly and familiar with things, but I guess not those kind of things.

You could make things real interesting and list sex with mrs. hammer's grandmother a sexual ambition.

Hammer

Thanks. Just trying for something I would think most folks would keep hidden.

Her grandmother is now dead. But I was very fond of her before she died. Altymers was setting in, and the best she could remember my name was Mr. H***** (H***** being Mrs. Hammer's real name). For years after when we would do name tags for anything, and folks knew Mrs. Hammer, I would just put Mr. H***** on my name tag. Part of why I call Mrs. Hammer, Mrs. Hammer on here.

I would have great fun with Mimi. Since she could not remember exactly who I was, and she had spent some of her younger years in South Dallas -- when it was Really Nice -- decades before it became bombed out -- and we then lived there when it became 'hood . . . . so I would ask her about the "old times" and she would chat on and on. But I knew the whole story from having done so about 100 times. So I would change things up and she would totally forget she had told me anything and just chat on and on all over and over agains.

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but you follow -- this is a literal take-off of the AA Program, and some of the AA side of things are Real Freaks. That is why they go so intense into this.

Probably a better extreme model for the Alanon side would be Childhood and Sexual Abuse. Lotta that on this side of the wall.

Hammer

Yeah, Crappy to Happy is goooooood stuff.

The rest of this thread is getting crazy.

But that is what I guess I do.

Suppose the Step Stuff can make anybody crazy -- hopefully all for the better.

So get to the Steps as soon as you are ready. I do not want to be the only one in the loony bin.

JustAGirl1971

That would definitely qualify as a sexual ambition worthy of hiding then

Apparently, I am an underachiever! It never occurred to me to have sexual ambitions!! Given my newly single status, my sexual ambition will just be to have a sex life again sometime in the next decade?

MissFixit

I am sorry if I made light of serious subjects. I did not mean to diminish your list. Like Justagirl1971, I never thought to have sexual ambitions. I am happy with my new garden and would like to learn Italian. Those are my ambitions. Kinda boring in comparison.