I am in a relationship with an alcoholic.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 1
I am in a relationship with an alcoholic.
Does anyone have any helpful tips?
I find myself being afraid to communicate with him at times. He likes to put me down and make me feel like a very insecure person. I love him so much but feel I become very needy and upset when he gets in his moods or goes out of town. He tends to drink more when he is away from me. He has been drinking often for about 8 years now (we have been together for 3 years) and I need to know how to control my feelings and stay the confident, and happy person that he fell in love with and somehow supportive.. I find myself listening to him tell me how insecure I am, self conscious, jealous, needy and it makes me feel that i am. When he is sober he is an amazing man and I cherish every moment with him.
I find myself being afraid to communicate with him at times. He likes to put me down and make me feel like a very insecure person. I love him so much but feel I become very needy and upset when he gets in his moods or goes out of town. He tends to drink more when he is away from me. He has been drinking often for about 8 years now (we have been together for 3 years) and I need to know how to control my feelings and stay the confident, and happy person that he fell in love with and somehow supportive.. I find myself listening to him tell me how insecure I am, self conscious, jealous, needy and it makes me feel that i am. When he is sober he is an amazing man and I cherish every moment with him.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Hi Me13,
to SR. This is a great site to get support. I would suggest that you check out and post in the family and friend section
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Checking out Al Anon is also a great suggestion. AA saved my life but as a codependent/ACOA Al Anon saved my sanity.
Here is the link so you can see if they have local meetings http://al-anon.alateen.org/how-to-fi...FTBxQgodB14Asg
to SR. This is a great site to get support. I would suggest that you check out and post in the family and friend sectionFriends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Checking out Al Anon is also a great suggestion. AA saved my life but as a codependent/ACOA Al Anon saved my sanity.
Here is the link so you can see if they have local meetings http://al-anon.alateen.org/how-to-fi...FTBxQgodB14Asg
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
I need to know how to control my feelings and stay the confident, and happy person that he fell in love with and somehow supportive..
why should you be somehow supportive?
be the happy person that HE fell inlove with?
it sounds like he has you believing that the problem is with you...that you are at fault.
YOU are not at fault, you do not cause him to drink, you do not need to support his behaviour and the only person you owe anything to is yourself.
the fact is his drinking and behaviour is the reason you feel the way you do. alcoholics wil pull the life from you. alanon and sr help
why should you be somehow supportive?
be the happy person that HE fell inlove with?
it sounds like he has you believing that the problem is with you...that you are at fault.
YOU are not at fault, you do not cause him to drink, you do not need to support his behaviour and the only person you owe anything to is yourself.
the fact is his drinking and behaviour is the reason you feel the way you do. alcoholics wil pull the life from you. alanon and sr help
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family Me13!
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as often as needed. We are here to support you. We understand what it is like seeing our loved one disappear into their alcoholism.
When I first arrived here at SR, I learned about the 3 C's of my husband's alcoholism:
I did not Cause it
I can not Control it
I will not Cure it
I fought hard to change that concept, because I was sure that I could convince him to see the damage he was doing to himself, our relationship and our family. I finally became someone I didn't like or recognize as I became more and more focused on him.
I found help and support here at SR, at local Al anon meetings, and by reading self-improvement books like "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.
I also find wisdom in reading some of the permanent posts at the top of this forum page. This is a link to one of my favorite posts that helped me while I was living with active alcoholism:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as often as needed. We are here to support you. We understand what it is like seeing our loved one disappear into their alcoholism.
When I first arrived here at SR, I learned about the 3 C's of my husband's alcoholism:
I did not Cause it
I can not Control it
I will not Cure it
I fought hard to change that concept, because I was sure that I could convince him to see the damage he was doing to himself, our relationship and our family. I finally became someone I didn't like or recognize as I became more and more focused on him.
I found help and support here at SR, at local Al anon meetings, and by reading self-improvement books like "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.
I also find wisdom in reading some of the permanent posts at the top of this forum page. This is a link to one of my favorite posts that helped me while I was living with active alcoholism:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
There's a big difference between love (which involves trust and respect) and need. Sounds like your real connection is need. I recommend Alanon, which can be a lifesaver for codependents who stay in relationships with people who show no caring or respect, who are hurtful.
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