How Am I Supposed To Act?
 

My AS is living with me, we had the big blow out, I told her she is going to have to leave very soon. I am not backing down. I did not give her a date, but DH and I talked about that last night. We are giving her 30 days unless there is another issue, then she will go at that moment.

I am still in my funk, sickness, gut churning, family of A, feeling. She just moves right along like nothing happened and everything is ok.

I CANT.

She is right back to calling me three times a day at work, yes, she has called already! She is right back to small talk like nothing happened.

If I go right back to "normal" she will think everything is ok and the "you gotta go" has been rescinded.

I tried to talk to her the other night, have a sit down discussion, which is what brought about the "you gotta go". She is incapable of it.

I dont know how to tell her, she has 30 days and I am solid on that. Because she wont have a conversation. Should I send her an email? Having to email someone in my own home cause they cant have a conversation with you is STUPID!

What do I do? Maybe have DH have the talk with her? She seems to be able to have a conversation with him, cause she cant say the same things to him as she does me.

Why don't the two of you talk to her together? Present a united front so she'll know you are both together in this and you mean business.

I had so many plans, thought I would have a friend/sister down here in my new state where I dont know anyone. I was going to show her around, take her shopping, flea markets, my favorite little spots.

Now, I dont know if I can/should/etc.

"So have you been figuring out your options on where to live next month?"

Sure...as long as she has already figured out where she is going to live, and understands the timeline...then you can reconnect as sisters that one is simply visiting another...

Dear Terrispots, I understand the gut churning sick feeling that you are having right now. Remember our exchange about the family expectations of loyalty, etc... that we spoke about? Fear of going against family/cultural expectations can trigger very scary fears of abandonment, etc...

I also am aware of this habit of speaking as if nothing happened after a family "blow-up". This is the pattern in my whole family back in West Virginia. It is very strange to someone who has never seen this before. People who do this are almost devoid of discussing conflict in a straight-forward and transparent manner. It is like they have 2 ways of operating (1) straight forward aggressive angry defensiveness or (2) ablolute avoidence! From my experience, when they are in "absolute avoidance", they are more "afraid" of you than you are of them (amazing, I k now). The silence is sort of a "truce", in their minds.

With this in mind, maybe it would be best to have your husband talk with her in a very gentle manner and explain the following: That you are willing to give her 30 days to work out a plan for "getting on her feet", and that you all cherish the time to be a family and enjoy family things together. I don't think expecting her to have a deep, articulate heart-to-heart is a reasonable expectation for her at this time. Perhaps change your expectation to just have a somewhat peaceful time from here on out (while she is in your home).

I think we all have the wishful thinking--of wanting to have the ideal family experience that we might have missed out on. I know I have. Sometimes we get it and other times, the situation, sadly, just falls short. We just don't get to control the actions of others--no matter how good our intentions.

I suspect that, i nside, she might feel shame, guilt, inadequacy, maybe some jelousy of what you have, etc...... Even if so, I think she would be loath to admit it--more likely to be defensive if confronted about it.

Terri, I am just giving you my take on the situation, based on my own experiences, in the hope that it might help. Of course, just take what you like--if any of it applies--and leave the rest.

Best of luck. Do keep us posted as to how things are going. These things are never easy!

dandylion

YOU have soooo hit the nail on the head here! This was the pattern in my family: Something bad happens - DONT TALK, PRETEND IT DIDNT HAPPEN, IGNORE IT, Move on, nothing to see here.

But I dont work that way anymore, I know nothing gets solved when it is ignored, or buried. I buried crap for 30 years and it only comes back to bite you in the arse. She still works that way.


I think this is very true too and tht she resents me for it, so its really easy for her to be angry and snippy ALL the time, not just when we have a disagreement.


Thanks, you have really hit the nail on the head with this whole post. I still am not sure if I am CAPABLE of continuing as "normal" and I feel terrible having to have DH be the go between or be the handler, when I am the one who made the decision to invite her. He is such a laid back kind of guy and just lets people kinda do their thing. But I know that AS will not allow me to do the whole communicating thing.

So, let me chew on this, see if I can do it.

Terri, i know this is tough because you are trying very hard, and commendably so, to approach things from a new perspective and break the cycle. that stuff ain't for wussies.

i think it might be helpful to realize the "30 day notice" thing isn't a conversation or a dialogue, it's a STATEMENT OF FACT. i'd go so far as to suggest putting it in writing...you have until May 19 to find other living arrangements. however if you continue to abuse and disrespect our home, our rules and our peace, we will ask you to leave immediately. or something to that effect.

you cannot control how SHE will react. or what she will think, or how that may impact the future of your "relationship" with her. you also don't have to take her constant calls during work or PRETEND it's all hunky dory when it is not.

You're right, I am trying to do things differently than the sick and abused child that I used to be, but it's really hard to do that with a person who is still Sick and Abusive.

remember she is LIVING with YOU...
you can do whatever you want

photocopied letter stating when she leaves, no ends or butts about it...if not gone...call the police....

if leaves and expects to come back--change the locks...and put her stuff in storage

get a back bone...there is no right way or wrong way with an alcoholic..it always turns out the same