help! not sure what to do
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Half way between hell, and back
Posts: 26
help! not sure what to do
My wife is an alcoholic. She drinks every day, and is abusive. We have young children so I am desperate to get her to stop. The problem is, she doesn't think she is an alcoholic. I used to drink myself so I know she is actually in denial. Every time I plead with her to stop it ends up as a fight. Threats don't work. Her arguments against my pleas are that she resents me for trying to control her.
What can I do? I'm guessing this situation is really common. What's the answer?
What can I do? I'm guessing this situation is really common. What's the answer?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: NE Wisconsin USA
Posts: 6,223
Your problems are your own no matter if they are common. Your feelings and thinking are valid -- no matter what the AW says. You need to take care of yourself and ensure your children's safety and health.
You can not control her it is fruitless. I go to Alanon meetings to regain some normalcy and sanity. I've learned in Alanon I didn't cause the alcoholism, I can't control it, and can't cure it.
I hope your wife gets well, but please focus on the kids and your welfare. You could help many people in your same situation at an Alanon group. Please call your local AA/AFG hotline.
Best to you.
You can not control her it is fruitless. I go to Alanon meetings to regain some normalcy and sanity. I've learned in Alanon I didn't cause the alcoholism, I can't control it, and can't cure it.
I hope your wife gets well, but please focus on the kids and your welfare. You could help many people in your same situation at an Alanon group. Please call your local AA/AFG hotline.
Best to you.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I second what wiscober said. Get to Al-Anon.
You don't break someone out of denial by begging or by threatening. They come out of denial when they realize for themselves what alcohol is doing to them. Having someone else point it out only makes them feel they are under attack, as you have seen.
Take care of yourself, and your kids, get to Al-Anon, and your options will become clearer.
You don't break someone out of denial by begging or by threatening. They come out of denial when they realize for themselves what alcohol is doing to them. Having someone else point it out only makes them feel they are under attack, as you have seen.
Take care of yourself, and your kids, get to Al-Anon, and your options will become clearer.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
I agree and especially like what Lexie said about her realizing herself what alcohol is doing to her.
I don't think you have to just suck it all up in the meantime though.
I would very carefully pick the least defendable abusive thing she does, one particular incident, and point it out to her. I would refuse to let the conversation be redirected, or sent off on a general all-encompassing argument. I would refuse to argue at all. Just point the one thing out. One thing only.
If she agrees it was bad behavior, ask if she thinks it has anything to do with that she had been drinking.
Otherwise, let it go, walk out of the room if necessary.
It's no cure--it's planting a little seed in her head.
If it is let to become an argument, all ground gained is lost.
She may not stop drinking, but she might realize that she was being abusive, and that's some relief for you.
I don't think you have to just suck it all up in the meantime though.
I would very carefully pick the least defendable abusive thing she does, one particular incident, and point it out to her. I would refuse to let the conversation be redirected, or sent off on a general all-encompassing argument. I would refuse to argue at all. Just point the one thing out. One thing only.
If she agrees it was bad behavior, ask if she thinks it has anything to do with that she had been drinking.
Otherwise, let it go, walk out of the room if necessary.
It's no cure--it's planting a little seed in her head.
If it is let to become an argument, all ground gained is lost.
She may not stop drinking, but she might realize that she was being abusive, and that's some relief for you.
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
not what you want to hear i know but its a fact ....there is nothing you can do for her.
sorry im being blunt i know its not the answer you wanted and possibly havent realized yet because it took me awhile to realize who i was dealing with was not a normal communicative or functioning person therefore i had no control or any pull whatsoever in what my ah did. your wife will only stop the abusive cycle and the drinking when she wants to and as you have already seen, her children or you are not going to make her see her wrongs. its just not going to happen not unless she hits her bottom and the pain of drinking weighs on her and alot of times alcoholics have no bottom, this is a possibility which is why anyone here will tell you to seek out alanon and to take care of your wellbeing and your children first.
sorry im being blunt i know its not the answer you wanted and possibly havent realized yet because it took me awhile to realize who i was dealing with was not a normal communicative or functioning person therefore i had no control or any pull whatsoever in what my ah did. your wife will only stop the abusive cycle and the drinking when she wants to and as you have already seen, her children or you are not going to make her see her wrongs. its just not going to happen not unless she hits her bottom and the pain of drinking weighs on her and alot of times alcoholics have no bottom, this is a possibility which is why anyone here will tell you to seek out alanon and to take care of your wellbeing and your children first.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
We didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, can't Control it. You can't plead, beg, threaten someone into sobriety. If your wife is in denial, there is nothing you can do about HER choices. What you can do is make good choices for you and your children. I agree with the others on here, find an AlAnon meeting near you and start attending. Commit to 6 meetings. It will be the start of finding your way through this.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 267
Originally Posted by Recovering2 
We didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, can't Control it. You can't plead, beg, threaten someone into sobriety. If your wife is in denial, there is nothing you can do about HER choices. What you can do is make good choices for you and your children. I agree with the others on here, find an AlAnon meeting near you and start attending. Commit to 6 meetings. It will be the start of finding your way through this.
I know how you feel - so do most of us here. I am still with my ABF, and we are about to have a baby. I just want to shake him and scream "what are you doing??????" but I know it won't help. I am in recovery myself - been sober for almost a year, and I know from experience that denial is what allows them to get away with it. They tell themselves that they are not alcoholics and that you are over-reacting. And when they do get sober and the denial lifts, the full horror of what they did to their families often hits. Unfortunately, they have to get to that moment themselves. You can't push them to get there.
We are here for you. I hope that you keep coming back.
Alex
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
I'm glad you are here, but sorry for the reason that brings you here. You have found a wonderful resource for support, information and encouragement.
Some of our stories are posted in the permanent posts at the top of this main page. We refer to those posts as the Stickies.
When I was living with active alcoholism in my home, I followed the steps in one of the Sticky posts. Here is a link to the sticky post that helped me:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
I'm glad you are here, but sorry for the reason that brings you here. You have found a wonderful resource for support, information and encouragement.
Some of our stories are posted in the permanent posts at the top of this main page. We refer to those posts as the Stickies.
When I was living with active alcoholism in my home, I followed the steps in one of the Sticky posts. Here is a link to the sticky post that helped me:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
True. actually recording her or videotaping her might get her to realize how she looks to you...
But really there is nothing you can do to get her to stop drinking.
More importantly, do you want you kids to have an abusive alcoholic for mother which is clearly in nobody's best interest? I am sorry...
But really there is nothing you can do to get her to stop drinking.
More importantly, do you want you kids to have an abusive alcoholic for mother which is clearly in nobody's best interest? I am sorry...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 14
I'd just like to respond and say this forum helped me greatly. The best thing I ever did for the exact situation your are in is shut the woman out of my life. Completely. Ignore all phone calls, all letters, all interactions. This could be something simple for some people and hard for others. I had to plead with her family to make my situation happen. It did happen, and it helped her hit rock bottom. You have to be prepared once she hits rock bottom if things aren't changed after the fact to leave her there. As everyone else said, you can only do so much. This will work for some and not for others. For me it wasn't the first time I ever tried this. With most relationships I've seen through this more than one shot at fixing ones self doesn't do much good. At least for me at this point it at least appears to have helped. Good luck!
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