happytobehere57

I would really appreciate any feedback to my dilemma.

when I last posted I was in severe anxiety over separation between my XABF/partner and me, even though I knew it was best for me to leave him so maybe he would hit his bottom and seek help through AA. I have cried on and off for 3 months now but feel I'm finally turning a corner.

I have attended various phone Al-Anon meetings and now have attended where I believe I have found my 'home base'. It made all the difference!! and I'm going to keep going, and do the work.

So, the dilemma is this... I own title to AXBF Harley in exchange for paying off some loans on his behalf. Now that our relationship is toxic and we are separated, he did join AA and has about 7 weeks sober. Because of his new sobriety, he has asked me to sign back over the Harley to him so he can get it back on the street.

Problem is, I'm paying the loan for the debt. He's unemployed now for 3 yrs and has no income. And, i don't trust him. Sad but true. So I told him I couldn't, and I was as soft about it as I could be instead of my usual assertive, sometimes snarky self.

He lost it and became vulgar and accusatory, so I ended our conversation as gently as I could.

He is not working a program, does not have a sponsor either, so he is I guess what they call a dry drunk, bless him. Previously I would have given title back to him (and with usual motives of a codependent) and hoped for the best, where i was concerned. But I'm really going to try to work a program this time so I don't repeat this pattern for the rest of my life.

I guess I came here looking for additional support and guidance. I did do the right thing but I"m struggling with the usual lack of confidence in matters of the heart...

But I did NOT over-react to his meanness this time. I'm a little bit happy about that anyway.

Thoughts? Feedback please?

Kind regards,

HTBH57

wicked

No. Nope, not now and maybe not ever. maybe when he pays what he owes. maybe you could sell it to get what he owes? not worked for 3 years? he has some nerve to even ask for the title back! Wow!

anyway,
I fully support you in keeping the Harley Davidson.
You can do what is best for you.


These are very early days in your recovery too. Be easy on yourself, I know I have felt as you have, and in your position, I considered the same options.
You keep that title until you get a fair return on it. You decide what that is.
More power to you,

Beth

happytobehere57

I told him he could have it back when he handed me the $.... it was not a pretty scene. I didn't become defensive or argumentative like I normally would have. I expressed my feelings that I didn't feel safe just giving it back to him outright. I intend to hold my ground now that I am learning better ways to detach. I wish I had done it earlier.

thanks Beth, I appreciate your feedback!
always!

Lisa

happytobehere57

plus all hell would break loose if I tried to remove it from his possession... I don't want to do that but I also won't just give him title outright without my fair return!

dandylion

Good Show, happy!!! He is lucky to be using it, anyway!!

He might be thinking of selling it to get the m oney for himself......

I am proud of you.

dandylion

wiscsober

Good for you. If you own it do as you please.

As alcoholics go the worst comes out when they don't get some thing they want, or lose something they have.

Believe me I know both sides intimately.

You are doing good setting boundaries, and acknowledging what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior.. All of your emotions are valid.

AnvilheadII

so are you paying the loan on the bike, or others loans FOR HIM? i might be missing a key piece here, but if it's his bike, and you are holding the title, paying loans for him, all the while waiting for his 3 year unemployed ass to pay YOU back - i'd say just sign over the damn thing and be done. otherwise it looks a bit like a game....

Florence

Whose name is the title in?

AyeRobot

happy, what's stopping you selling the bike, putting the proceeds towards the loans and marking the rest of the payments as "Codie Tax", then moving on with the rest of your life?

He's not going to pay you the money for the loans, you know?

DreamsofSerenity

Legally you could sell the HD from under his a** and sell it to repay yourself the money he owes you. He should be happy he still gets to ride it.

It's so uncomfortable for us codies when A's throw their fits, but the fact it is incomfortable means you are doing things differently. And that's growth. Good for you!!!

laurie6781

Are you listed as lien holder on the title? Or is the title in your name? Or are you just 'holding' the title? If it is the latter all he has to do is get a 'new' title claiming the the title was 'lost.'

If however, it is option 1, or 2, then you have legal recourse.

You would not have to do that. You hire a 'repo' company to do it and their fee gets tacked onto the total of loan. This of course cannot be done until you get a 'judgement' in small claims court for the monies owed. then the 'repo' company stores it at their facility, until the 1) monies owed are paid and/or 2) the Harley is sold at auction.

It may come to that if you ever want to get any of the monies back owed to you.

Hope that helps a bit.

Love and hugs,

happytobehere57

Thanks everyone. To clarify... I am owner of the title and therefore the bike. I am not, however, in possession of it since I moved out 3 months ago. Title is in my name so he is unable to get registration tag or insurance for it, so he cannot use it.

He gave me title in exchange for paying off a couple of his bills. The bike is free and clear. I am repaying the loan at a low interest rate, but still, it's me who is paying. And until he gives me reimbursement of monies owed, i will not relinquish title.

I am looking into legal recourse already but I had hoped it wouldn't come to that. However, it looks more and more like it will, and so I will do what I have to do to protect my interests. Sad it has turned this way but I'm finally feeling strong enough to stand up for myself! And if i could get possession of it, i will sell it.

Thanks again everyone, I am grateful for all of your inputs! Very much appreciated!

Love and hugs,

Happy

AyeRobot

Great stuff, happy.

You need to get that bike back PDQ.

happytobehere57

...workin on it AyeRobot, workin on it...

fourmaggie

u got a back bone now...still use it...!

its yours...to do with...why dont you sell it and get what you paid IN IT and cut the relationship clear and dry...

this is holding up the "grief" of your moving on so to speak....



i had my Addict take off with $500, its been 3 years...i know i will never get it back...thank god it was only that...i know in my heart it was for a good reason to give it to him..his kids...i can let that go...

AnvilheadII

ok....so....the title is in your name....bike is in his possession....you are continuing to PAY off HIS debt, meaning more and more money going OUT - he STILL doesn't have a job (3 years and counting) and you plan to hold the title til he pays you back? why didn't you just give him the title and let him KEEP his dang debt? sorry, it doesn't make any sound financial sense to me whatsoever???? AND it keeps you hooked for what could be a long time....unless that's the plan?

fourmaggie

i think this is a co dependency issue...she wants some sort of hold on him...no?

happytobehere57

No, I don't want a hold on him, you have misjudged. I was with him for the long haul when the financial arrangement was made (last year). Yes, it was bad decision on my part but I really believed we would be together forever. BUT, he became such a mean ass I could no longer ignore it (AND my own sickness), so I moved out 3 months ago after begging him ad nauseum to stop and get into a program, but he refused. At least I left with the title in my possession but I couldn't just take the bike in middle of January while I moved myself into an apartment.

So... I had thought that now since he's sober (7 weeks) perhaps we could work slowly towards reconciliation while I worked my program, and he worked his.

But being honest with myself, I don't trust him anymore. And he asked me to sign title back over to him so he could get it back in the street.

In the meantime, I'm holding down a job, I pay my bills, and the loan I gave him - else my credit will be affected, not his. Like I said earlier - BAD DECISION. but it is what it is and i have to deal with it.

So... I own the bike till I'm repaid the debt and I'm seeing an attorney to discuss my options since the bike isn't in my possession. Yet. I no longer want any hold on him, I would like nothing better than to get the bike and sell it and be done with the whole darn thing. I wanted to reconcile but after his reaction to my telling him NO, that feeling has left me. I'm thankful in a sad way. I'm clearly co-dependent, haven't pretended to be anything but. And I'm going to al-anon and therapy.

So, NO thanks for all the snarky comments AH and FM. Go somewhere else please. I don't see your comments as productive.

wicked

Seeing an attorney to discuss your options is a great idea.
I understand how codependency can cloud your vision.

This is sad, but now you can get free. I hope you continue to grow and learn thru AlAnon. I certainly have.

Beth

happytobehere57

I intend to. I've learned quite a lot about myself in past 3 months, and it's time for change. Lasting change, I hope.

Detachment is a wonderful thing, and it's high time I learned it.
Sadly this is such a hard lesson, but it is what it is. And I don't want to keep repeating it.
I'm ready to get on with it.