Lulu304

I met my BF the end of January and we started casually dating and just a month ago decided we would be in an exclusive relationship. I had noticed hat he was a big partier kind of early on but recently I noticed he was blowing me off every once in awhile to go party with these "friends" of his that would pay for his drinks the whole night. A few weeks ago he mentioned to me that he wanted to do some sort of treatment because his life wasn't where he wanted it to be. A friend of mine mentioned to me that her mom worked at a rehab and that she would contact her to see if she had any suggestions for him, money is a big issue. Last Monday her mom got back to her and said they would help in anyway possible because he really wanted this. On Tuesday he decided he would head down Thursday. We spent the whole day together Wednesday and got everything he needed for his stay which was out of state. He got down there Thursday afternoon and he was texting and everything was fine, things were fine Friday and then Saturday he called all upset saying he wanted to leave that he didn't like talking about why he drinks. His grandma beeped in and he said he would call back and never did. I finally texted him asking if he was ok and he said he was and ever since then he has been really distant. He's told me he is struggling and that he cares about me but I'm just worried that he's not going to feel the same about me. We have barely talked the last few days but I sent him a text yesterday morning with a picture that had an inspirational message on it and he thanked me and told me to have a good day. Last night I saw on FB that he posted that picture with the caption thank you. I would like to think that is his way saying he cares. i am having a hard time, i finally started falling for someone and I'm scared to lose it but i want him to succeed. Am I just over thinking everything? Is it normal for him to be distant? I thought that me being supportive would bring us closer together during this. I really want our relationship to work. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

Tuffgirl

Welcome, Lulu304. I hate to ask such a pointed question, but why in the world are you interested in making a relationship work with someone in rehab just a few brief months into a budding romance? Shouldn't you be at a point right now where you are having fun? Getting to know someone? Enjoying the newness of each other?

Since when did dating become "helping and being supportive while he goes through rehab?"

With all due respect - this guy is not in a place to have a relationship with you. Addictions won't bring you close,. and this early on, these are serious red flags. I hope you pay attention to them.
~T

dandylion

Dear Lulu, it will be impossible for him to have a healthy relationship with you---because he currently in is a commited relationship with alcohol. The alcohol will always win over you because the disease is a monster that is waging a constant war in his brain to get him to drink--the only thing that matters to the disease. In order to put this disease into remission (it never dies) is a strong vigorous program of recovery---at least for 1-2 yrs. Some say--3-5yrs. of intensively working his program.

If you get involved at this point--you are surely in for a life of heartache and pain.

Keep reading on this forum and learn as much about alcoholism and codependency as you can. The truth will set you free. You sound young to me--you need education and information.

I am just trying to show you where the rocks are in the water---I want to prevent pain--where it is preventable.

sincerely, dandylion

Florence

This. You're three months in and this is what the relationship looks like.

Welcome, hang out at SR and learn.

AnvilheadII

lulu, welcome.

you stated he is being distant. and that he's in treatment. he can't possibly give YOU all his time and attention....cuz he's IN TREATMENT for his alcoholism. THAT is where his full attention SHOULD be.

you've only known this guy since the end of January - it's mid April - barely over two months time. in that time you've learned that he has a serious alcohol problem, which was there LONG before you ever met. and now today, he's taking a stab at dealing with it. this will be a LIFELONG journey for him....whether he successfully achieves and maintains sobriety OR NOT. just as he often didn't have time for you when he was partying it up, much of him time will now be focused on what HE needs to do to stay sober. his BEST shot at this is to commit 100% to changing the people places and things in his life that heretofore have been centered around drinking/drugs.

what he is going thru has nothing to do with you. this is his problem to solve.