Loveblossom79

I haven't been on here in quite a long time. My RABF has been sober over 5 months now. It's been an interesting journey to say the least. Very different from his stint in short term rehab where I dealt with him as a "dry drunk"...he's been much more even tempered, patient, thoughtful, etc. One thing I didn't realize is how much I would still be holding against him inside my heart. I haven't been able to forgive him for things he's done when drunk, and the nagging fear of possible future relapse keeps me from fully opening my heart to him again (I hold back so that I'll be ok if it doesn't work out). I'm very effected when he does do something that upsets me...almost overly so, like I'm looking for a reason to end things, because then my heart would be safe. I had in my head that everything would be awesome if he was sober...but I've learned that the things that bothered me about him before are still there, just less accentuated. Is anyone else experiencing this? I could use some feedback. Thanks!

LexieCat

Sounds pretty normal to me. Are you going to Al-Anon? Might help those feelings a whole lot...

honeypig

Loveblossom, I'm experiencing the same things as you are, altho in my case he has only about 13 days of sobriety. Like you, I am keeping my cards close to my chest, as I don't want to be burned again; I don't want to become overly hopeful. Seems like the more I hope for things to work out between us and for him to stay sober, the more I take the focus off of me, and I don't believe I can afford to do that.

I also am very sensitive to things that don't appear "right", which, when you think about it, is ridiculous--I was blind for years on end to things that were wrong, and now the tiniest thing will put me on high alert!

I'm too new to this to have anything useful to tell you, but I CAN say that I share your experience here, if that helps in any way.

dandylion

Yeah, loveblossom, I think you would benefit from some time focused on what you want and need in a relationship. You, alone, are responsible for your own happiness in this life.

sincerely, dandylion

ichabod

My RAH is in his fourth year of recovery. That first year was so hard, even harder for me than when he was drinking. At least when he was a drunk I knew what to expect.

What was a hard lesson for me was that I had to accept my role in our relationship issues. His drinking was where most of them started, but my reactions hurt him and me. I learned to shut everything out and become bitter and angry. I resented the heck out of him for, "what you did to me."

The reality was that he didn't do anything to me. He was hurting himself and I stayed for the ride. I had to own that. He didn't intentionally hurt me; I was collateral damage.

We've both grown a lot over the last few years and are happy now. It took a lot of work and a lot of letting go.