Dating an alcoholic
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Michigan
Posts: 1
Dating an alcoholic
I met a guy about 5 months ago, and we got along so well from the very moment we met. There was just something about him that I couldn't stop thinking about.
At first I didn't think he would be interested in me, so I didn't really chase after him or anything, but after a week or two after we met, he started texting me and eventually calling me, and as you can imagine our relationship advanced from there on out. However, after I had known him for about a month things started to come to light. One day I got a message on my phone from a girl stating that she was his current girlfriend, and that he probably hadn't told me about her. I was shocked. About an hour later he texted me and told me that if I wasn't busy he would like to talk to me. I called him up and confronted him about it. He said he figured something like that would happen. According to him, he had a pretty crazy ex girlfriend that he broke up with about 3-4 months ago, that wouldn't leave him alone. She was apparently a very jealous type and hadn't let him talk or see his female friends, and would harass them from time to time. She had also, according to him, basically moved into his house without an invitation and refused to leave. I asked him how she got my number, and he said that when he came out of the shower the day before she had been in his bedroom, and that she must have gone through his phone and seen the messages we had sent each other.
At first I wasn't sure if I believed him, it all sounded so.. unrealistic. But the fact that this girl was crazy, I did in fact believe because she later tracked me down on facebook - blew up my facebook with messages (and made 6 other fake and real profiles, to message me when I blocked her), found my email - blew up my email, left a nasty note on my car and so on.
However, there were other things that came to the surface one by one. I found out he had a 10 year old daughter (whom I met pretty early on, and had no problems with), he lives with his dad (said he moved in after his mom died 3 years prior to us meeting, to help his dad out. I met his dad, whom also really took a liking to me), he doesn't have a license because he got caught drunk driving once (said he only had one beer when he drove, but that the cop claimed he swerved. Lost his license because of this, and had to go to jail for a few weeks or something), had been married before and divorced (not the same girl who's the mother of his child), had been married for the wrong reasons (she had money), had an argument with her one time and she called the cops, and he had to spend two days in jail. Then apparently shortly after his mother died he went to jail because he got mad at a cop and beat him up while he was very drunk, got together with his ex, tried to break up with her and for her to move out, she (who was also an alcoholic) got violent, he hit her in the face (claimed it was self-defense) she called the cops, and apparently he had to try to make up with her and get on her good side in order for her not to testify against him, which she didn't. Yet, when I met him, he was on a 6month probation. He goes to a counselor once a week, yet he admitted to me a while ago that he hasn't told this guy that he still has an alcohol problem.
Most of this information, I found out by putting two and two together and then questioning him about it, or from me feeling as if something didn't sound right, and then asking him about it. He would always answer me when I asked. He later apologized for not telling me everything from the beginning, but that he was afraid if he had told me all of that at once I wouldn't want to be with him.
However after all of that coming to life, I told him that past is past and that I wasn't going to judge him for his.
Things were really great for a really long time, and his ex didn't bother us too much, just every once in a while she would go on a rampage.
At first he would hide it from me when he was drinking, but he later became sloppy. Sometimes he would get kinda mean at first when he was drinking strong liquor (only verbally, never physically), I would confront him about it, and he would then go into second stage, which was very deep and very talkative, where he would talk about his life and his feelings and his thoughts, then he would go onto getting very emotional, he would often cry and talk about his mom being gone or things that he was frustrated about. I was very supportive, even though his mean stage always came as a surprise to me, but I later realized the pattern, and this stage was usually the one that would reveal to me that he had been drinking. When he was drinking I would often listen to him for hours, letting him go through all of his stages and just letting him talk. I carefully started questioning his drinking when he was sober, letting him know my concerns, but trying to avoid pushing him or nagging him about it.
One day he called me and told me that he though things had been going too fast between us, and that he needed a break to take time for himself, and to be fair to me. I was shocked, but told him that I would give him all the time he needed. I didn't contact him for some days, but he texted me and asked me how I was doing. We continued to text or talk on the phone for a few more days, and then he told me he wanted to see me cause he couldn't stay away from me. We talked everything out, and things went back to normal.
However, a few weeks later, he did the same thing. He told me he needed space, because he never really had a break between being with his crazy ex and meeting me, and that mentally he hadn't gotten over her crazy stalkerish and psychoness, and just needed some time to recuperate, but that I was fantastic and that it didn't have anything to do with me. Same thing happened, I gave him space, a few days went by and he came running back to me. Things went well for a while, probably a few months, his ex would still bother us some, I changed my number, but she would still blow up my email every now and then. She would also supposedly stop by his place every now and then, but he said he would tell her to leave. At this point I had met all of his close friends and they would all tell him that they really liked me, and they would tell me that I seemed very good for him, and that he would always talk about me, and that they could just see how much he loved me.
Things were great, but we still dealt with his drinking. It was very exhausting for me to watch all of the stuff he would do to himself, all the drinking. He would also talk about how it was hard for him to deal with reality and fiction, and that his ex really had him all messed up. However he was starting to tell me that he was going to try to stop, and that he was going to seek some help, and that he really wanted to get his life strait, and that it was going to take time but he knew he really needed it and he wanted to be the best he could for me. He would also confess that he was scared to admit that he loved me and that it was hard for him to wrap his head around things, because I was so different from his ex (since she was crazy and possessive, and I was laid back and honest), but that he was really happy to have me in his life.
I continued to constantly support him and be there for him. So after a few months, we had come back to his place after a really nice day, we were sitting in my car at his place, when he suddenly got all serious, and started to cry. He told me that he wasn't good for me, and that he didn't want to drag me through the mud with him, and that he didn't know what he was feeling, and that he needed to get things strait with his family, his drinking and his life, and that he cared for me deeply, but he wasn't sure if he loved me. He said he would like for us to be friends, but that he wasn't sure about being in a relationship would be the best.
This time I told myself that this was the end, because it felt more real than the other times, and I told myself that we were only gonna be friends, and that maybe this was a good thing for both of us. I went through a whole day of self mending after being a total wreck.
Two days went by without me contacting him. He then texted me and said that he wanted me to come over, because he couldn't live another day, week, hour, minute or second without me. This shocked me, and it made me very mad. I went over to his place and basically spoke my mind on the matter. He told me he had been scared of his feelings for me, because he really did love me. And that he was stupid for letting me go, because I was the best thing that had ever happened to him. We talked everything through, and he told me this would absolutely never happen again. So we kissed and made up.
Which, if you're still reading this leads us to the current matter, which happened last night. We had been talking on and off the entire day, so it surprised me when around 5-6pm he told me he was down in the city with his friend, and that they were gonna party (which means getting really really drunk). He already know how I feel about his drinking, and he obviously knows how I feel about him going down to the city to drink. I knew I couldn't do anything to stop him, so I just told him to be careful, and that I wanted him to give me a call when he was back home safe and sound and that I love him. He said he would call me in the morning and that he loves me too. Later that night, I texted him and told him that I didn't want either him or his friend to drive home drunk so I would rather drive down there and get them if that was the case. A few hours went by without him texting me, until he suddenly texted me
"look.. I love "name of ex". And I want to try to make my life with her work. I'm sorry but it is what it is"
His phone is now off, I know cause I tried calling him. And quite frankly I feel sick to my stomach at the moment.
Not sure if this is a sick joke, the alcohol speaking or that this is one very messed up person.
At first I didn't think he would be interested in me, so I didn't really chase after him or anything, but after a week or two after we met, he started texting me and eventually calling me, and as you can imagine our relationship advanced from there on out. However, after I had known him for about a month things started to come to light. One day I got a message on my phone from a girl stating that she was his current girlfriend, and that he probably hadn't told me about her. I was shocked. About an hour later he texted me and told me that if I wasn't busy he would like to talk to me. I called him up and confronted him about it. He said he figured something like that would happen. According to him, he had a pretty crazy ex girlfriend that he broke up with about 3-4 months ago, that wouldn't leave him alone. She was apparently a very jealous type and hadn't let him talk or see his female friends, and would harass them from time to time. She had also, according to him, basically moved into his house without an invitation and refused to leave. I asked him how she got my number, and he said that when he came out of the shower the day before she had been in his bedroom, and that she must have gone through his phone and seen the messages we had sent each other.
At first I wasn't sure if I believed him, it all sounded so.. unrealistic. But the fact that this girl was crazy, I did in fact believe because she later tracked me down on facebook - blew up my facebook with messages (and made 6 other fake and real profiles, to message me when I blocked her), found my email - blew up my email, left a nasty note on my car and so on.
However, there were other things that came to the surface one by one. I found out he had a 10 year old daughter (whom I met pretty early on, and had no problems with), he lives with his dad (said he moved in after his mom died 3 years prior to us meeting, to help his dad out. I met his dad, whom also really took a liking to me), he doesn't have a license because he got caught drunk driving once (said he only had one beer when he drove, but that the cop claimed he swerved. Lost his license because of this, and had to go to jail for a few weeks or something), had been married before and divorced (not the same girl who's the mother of his child), had been married for the wrong reasons (she had money), had an argument with her one time and she called the cops, and he had to spend two days in jail. Then apparently shortly after his mother died he went to jail because he got mad at a cop and beat him up while he was very drunk, got together with his ex, tried to break up with her and for her to move out, she (who was also an alcoholic) got violent, he hit her in the face (claimed it was self-defense) she called the cops, and apparently he had to try to make up with her and get on her good side in order for her not to testify against him, which she didn't. Yet, when I met him, he was on a 6month probation. He goes to a counselor once a week, yet he admitted to me a while ago that he hasn't told this guy that he still has an alcohol problem.
Most of this information, I found out by putting two and two together and then questioning him about it, or from me feeling as if something didn't sound right, and then asking him about it. He would always answer me when I asked. He later apologized for not telling me everything from the beginning, but that he was afraid if he had told me all of that at once I wouldn't want to be with him.
However after all of that coming to life, I told him that past is past and that I wasn't going to judge him for his.
Things were really great for a really long time, and his ex didn't bother us too much, just every once in a while she would go on a rampage.
At first he would hide it from me when he was drinking, but he later became sloppy. Sometimes he would get kinda mean at first when he was drinking strong liquor (only verbally, never physically), I would confront him about it, and he would then go into second stage, which was very deep and very talkative, where he would talk about his life and his feelings and his thoughts, then he would go onto getting very emotional, he would often cry and talk about his mom being gone or things that he was frustrated about. I was very supportive, even though his mean stage always came as a surprise to me, but I later realized the pattern, and this stage was usually the one that would reveal to me that he had been drinking. When he was drinking I would often listen to him for hours, letting him go through all of his stages and just letting him talk. I carefully started questioning his drinking when he was sober, letting him know my concerns, but trying to avoid pushing him or nagging him about it.
One day he called me and told me that he though things had been going too fast between us, and that he needed a break to take time for himself, and to be fair to me. I was shocked, but told him that I would give him all the time he needed. I didn't contact him for some days, but he texted me and asked me how I was doing. We continued to text or talk on the phone for a few more days, and then he told me he wanted to see me cause he couldn't stay away from me. We talked everything out, and things went back to normal.
However, a few weeks later, he did the same thing. He told me he needed space, because he never really had a break between being with his crazy ex and meeting me, and that mentally he hadn't gotten over her crazy stalkerish and psychoness, and just needed some time to recuperate, but that I was fantastic and that it didn't have anything to do with me. Same thing happened, I gave him space, a few days went by and he came running back to me. Things went well for a while, probably a few months, his ex would still bother us some, I changed my number, but she would still blow up my email every now and then. She would also supposedly stop by his place every now and then, but he said he would tell her to leave. At this point I had met all of his close friends and they would all tell him that they really liked me, and they would tell me that I seemed very good for him, and that he would always talk about me, and that they could just see how much he loved me.
Things were great, but we still dealt with his drinking. It was very exhausting for me to watch all of the stuff he would do to himself, all the drinking. He would also talk about how it was hard for him to deal with reality and fiction, and that his ex really had him all messed up. However he was starting to tell me that he was going to try to stop, and that he was going to seek some help, and that he really wanted to get his life strait, and that it was going to take time but he knew he really needed it and he wanted to be the best he could for me. He would also confess that he was scared to admit that he loved me and that it was hard for him to wrap his head around things, because I was so different from his ex (since she was crazy and possessive, and I was laid back and honest), but that he was really happy to have me in his life.
I continued to constantly support him and be there for him. So after a few months, we had come back to his place after a really nice day, we were sitting in my car at his place, when he suddenly got all serious, and started to cry. He told me that he wasn't good for me, and that he didn't want to drag me through the mud with him, and that he didn't know what he was feeling, and that he needed to get things strait with his family, his drinking and his life, and that he cared for me deeply, but he wasn't sure if he loved me. He said he would like for us to be friends, but that he wasn't sure about being in a relationship would be the best.
This time I told myself that this was the end, because it felt more real than the other times, and I told myself that we were only gonna be friends, and that maybe this was a good thing for both of us. I went through a whole day of self mending after being a total wreck.
Two days went by without me contacting him. He then texted me and said that he wanted me to come over, because he couldn't live another day, week, hour, minute or second without me. This shocked me, and it made me very mad. I went over to his place and basically spoke my mind on the matter. He told me he had been scared of his feelings for me, because he really did love me. And that he was stupid for letting me go, because I was the best thing that had ever happened to him. We talked everything through, and he told me this would absolutely never happen again. So we kissed and made up.
Which, if you're still reading this leads us to the current matter, which happened last night. We had been talking on and off the entire day, so it surprised me when around 5-6pm he told me he was down in the city with his friend, and that they were gonna party (which means getting really really drunk). He already know how I feel about his drinking, and he obviously knows how I feel about him going down to the city to drink. I knew I couldn't do anything to stop him, so I just told him to be careful, and that I wanted him to give me a call when he was back home safe and sound and that I love him. He said he would call me in the morning and that he loves me too. Later that night, I texted him and told him that I didn't want either him or his friend to drive home drunk so I would rather drive down there and get them if that was the case. A few hours went by without him texting me, until he suddenly texted me
"look.. I love "name of ex". And I want to try to make my life with her work. I'm sorry but it is what it is"
His phone is now off, I know cause I tried calling him. And quite frankly I feel sick to my stomach at the moment.
Not sure if this is a sick joke, the alcohol speaking or that this is one very messed up person.
2Cor5:17
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Between Doctor's opinion & pg 164
Posts: 4,187
Welcome Teddy & what a mouthful!
Only thing I can offer is you r powerless over people, places & things. I live w/ an alki but she's a grown a** woman & even tho she's seen the horrible consequences of my drinking now, she still wants to. So I don't fight it, I guard my serenity coz I looooove being peaceful & leave the rest to the good Lord to take care of. If I can't change myself, what makes me think I can change her??
Btw, since u're not married to him, get movin on w/ u're life...seriously
Only thing I can offer is you r powerless over people, places & things. I live w/ an alki but she's a grown a** woman & even tho she's seen the horrible consequences of my drinking now, she still wants to. So I don't fight it, I guard my serenity coz I looooove being peaceful & leave the rest to the good Lord to take care of. If I can't change myself, what makes me think I can change her??
Btw, since u're not married to him, get movin on w/ u're life...seriously
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
When someone shows you who they are and you know it to be truth, believe them!
He has shown you over and over again how unstable he is. Now, Don't get me wrong, grown men cry but to blubber about life every day, there is something wrong. Even my AH doesn't do that. He has a serious alcohol problem. He's indecisive and he's the main reason you have a *psycho chic* blowing your phone and email up because he's playing the both of you and since you are the other woman, she's gonna make you miserable because you are messing with *her* man.
Don't walk away girl.... RUN! Run for your life because this guy is gonna give you something you may never get rid of if he's playing you and her. And you surely don't want that among other things. Living with an alcoholic is not fun! My AH just got done screaming at me not to leave and in the next breath GO! Don't come back!!! He couldn't make up his mind. He fought with 2 emotions and pondered which one would get him further all night long!
Give her her man back and be grateful she did you a favor by taking him off your hands.
He has shown you over and over again how unstable he is. Now, Don't get me wrong, grown men cry but to blubber about life every day, there is something wrong. Even my AH doesn't do that. He has a serious alcohol problem. He's indecisive and he's the main reason you have a *psycho chic* blowing your phone and email up because he's playing the both of you and since you are the other woman, she's gonna make you miserable because you are messing with *her* man.
Don't walk away girl.... RUN! Run for your life because this guy is gonna give you something you may never get rid of if he's playing you and her. And you surely don't want that among other things. Living with an alcoholic is not fun! My AH just got done screaming at me not to leave and in the next breath GO! Don't come back!!! He couldn't make up his mind. He fought with 2 emotions and pondered which one would get him further all night long!
Give her her man back and be grateful she did you a favor by taking him off your hands.
Journey To Me
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Kyle, Texas
Posts: 395
Hello Teddy.
I'm sorry you're going through this, but know you are not alone.
Reading through your post and all the things you wrote about I didn't read much of why YOU like to be with him. What are you getting from this relationship? It appeared to me that you are with him because you are good for him. He is able to dictate the course of the relationship, ie when you take breaks, when you are together, how many days a "break" is consists of and so forth. It sounds like his life is in complete shambles and he has you and this other girl along for the ride. His actions do not reflect someone that is healthy and honest.
It sounds to me that he has a lot of issues going on, and if this relationship continues you are in for one toxic chaotic ride.
I'm sorry you're going through this, but know you are not alone.
Reading through your post and all the things you wrote about I didn't read much of why YOU like to be with him. What are you getting from this relationship? It appeared to me that you are with him because you are good for him. He is able to dictate the course of the relationship, ie when you take breaks, when you are together, how many days a "break" is consists of and so forth. It sounds like his life is in complete shambles and he has you and this other girl along for the ride. His actions do not reflect someone that is healthy and honest.
It sounds to me that he has a lot of issues going on, and if this relationship continues you are in for one toxic chaotic ride.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 70
From someone who's been there, done that, my advice is to run. Run as fast as you can, while you can.
If you were to meet this guy now, knowing everything that's gone on, would you really want to date him?
We're all here to support you - we know it's not easy!
Sending big hugs xxx
If you were to meet this guy now, knowing everything that's gone on, would you really want to date him?
We're all here to support you - we know it's not easy!
Sending big hugs xxx
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
"look.. I love "name of ex". And I want to try to make my life with her work. I'm sorry but it is what it is"
His phone is now off, I know cause I tried calling him. And quite frankly I feel sick to my stomach at the moment.
Not sure if this is a sick joke, the alcohol speaking or that this is one very messed up person.
His phone is now off, I know cause I tried calling him. And quite frankly I feel sick to my stomach at the moment.
Not sure if this is a sick joke, the alcohol speaking or that this is one very messed up person.
Consider how long it takes to get the truth out of him.
How he blames everyone for his problems but himself.
(what do you think he has been telling the "psycho" gf about you?)
I have been where you are, and I do understand the dizzy feeling of knowing and or dating an alcoholic.
He will continue to lie and fog out the truth to keep his addiction alive.
Take this time to think about what has happened in such a short time with him and if this is the kind of relationship you want. He is showing you what you will get with him. Not much of a bargain.
Read your post as if a good friend told you this story. What would you tell her, what kind of advice would you give her?
Keep reading and posting here. It will help you to clear up the fog.
Beth
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 877
I'm with Kasie, RUN. There were so many red flags in your post about him, I lost count after a while.
Personally I wouldn't believe a word the guy has told you about anything. Active A's are such liars. How could someone MOVE into anyone's house uninvited and not leave? That is just crazy. And doesn't he live with his dad? So she moved into his dad's house uninvited and wouldn't leave??
I totally agree, he is playing both of you. His ex is crazy because she probably put up with the same crap you are dealing with for so long that she became as sick as he is. Regarding his text last night, it's just more BS. He doesn't love her. He doesn't love anyone except alcohol because is incapable. He might not even remember he sent you the text, and is avoiding you because he doesn't know how to manipulate his way out of it yet. For all you know, the crazy ex might have been with him and sent it herself.
There is a pattern to his behavior with you, and I don't see it stopping until he finds someone new and you are as crazy as the ex girlfriend. This man is destructive and dangerous. He's got an assault charge to prove it!
Sweetie, don't punish yourself like this. You deserve SO much better!!
Hugs
Personally I wouldn't believe a word the guy has told you about anything. Active A's are such liars. How could someone MOVE into anyone's house uninvited and not leave? That is just crazy. And doesn't he live with his dad? So she moved into his dad's house uninvited and wouldn't leave??
I totally agree, he is playing both of you. His ex is crazy because she probably put up with the same crap you are dealing with for so long that she became as sick as he is. Regarding his text last night, it's just more BS. He doesn't love her. He doesn't love anyone except alcohol because is incapable. He might not even remember he sent you the text, and is avoiding you because he doesn't know how to manipulate his way out of it yet. For all you know, the crazy ex might have been with him and sent it herself.
There is a pattern to his behavior with you, and I don't see it stopping until he finds someone new and you are as crazy as the ex girlfriend. This man is destructive and dangerous. He's got an assault charge to prove it!
Sweetie, don't punish yourself like this. You deserve SO much better!!
Hugs
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
He is an abusive, violent drunk. The alcoholism alone is reason enough not to get involved, but the physical abuse (which WILL happen, sooner or later--if he beat up a cop and has been locked up before for domestic violence it definitely WILL happen again) compromises your physical safety, as well as your emotional safety.
I've worked in the DV field for many, many years, and I know whereof I speak. Let this guy GO. Tell him you have moved on. There is absolutely no future with him except pain and misery.
I've worked in the DV field for many, many years, and I know whereof I speak. Let this guy GO. Tell him you have moved on. There is absolutely no future with him except pain and misery.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 458
Welcome. Please understand that alcoholics are excellent liars and manipulators. From what I have seen, they can successfully carry on more than one relationship without missing a beat. They will use manipulation like "I am no good for you. You would be better off without me." They have learned to trigger our codependence- this makes us want to stay more!
They can get us to believe anything. For example, I am pretty sure that it would be impossible for someone to move into my house (and stay) without my blessing!!! If you remove the huge red flags (multiple arrests, living with dad, no license, verbal abuse), just go back to the simple basics: The guy is showering with his EXGF in the same vicinity? What about any of this is acceptable behavior?
Someone recently equated his addicted days to me as being a skilled juggler. Lies build upon lies, etc. Don't be one of the balls in the air.
They can get us to believe anything. For example, I am pretty sure that it would be impossible for someone to move into my house (and stay) without my blessing!!! If you remove the huge red flags (multiple arrests, living with dad, no license, verbal abuse), just go back to the simple basics: The guy is showering with his EXGF in the same vicinity? What about any of this is acceptable behavior?
Someone recently equated his addicted days to me as being a skilled juggler. Lies build upon lies, etc. Don't be one of the balls in the air.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Wow--all that is just nuts! One of the ways I have found that helps me decide about whether a situation is acceptable, whether how I'm acting is acting is normal/sensible, is to imagine I'm hearing the story about someone else. It might sound silly, but I am AMAZED at how differently I view things when it's some OTHER person versus ME!
So, if it helps, imagine that a friend of yours is describing all this to you--what would you advise your friend to do? Would this sound like a relationship she should hang on to?
Hope that helps you have a little clarity, b/c as so many others have already said, there is just a forest of red flags and it surely looks like nothing but abuse, sadness and pain for you down the road. You deserve better than this.
So, if it helps, imagine that a friend of yours is describing all this to you--what would you advise your friend to do? Would this sound like a relationship she should hang on to?
Hope that helps you have a little clarity, b/c as so many others have already said, there is just a forest of red flags and it surely looks like nothing but abuse, sadness and pain for you down the road. You deserve better than this.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Halifax, NS
Posts: 17
Please, listen to your gut. I had an AXBF, together 6 six years, really wanted to make it work but he relapsed. When he started drinking, nothing made any sense. He was full of lies, cover ups, stories that didn't add up. All you have to know, is that kind of behaviour, which is running through your post, is bound to make you CRAZY... you can't avoid it, unless you GET OUT!
I stayed by his side and "supported" him, and thought he would come around, so I tolerated bad behaviour. He was always needing a break and falling off the map for long periods of time, and guess what???
He had a girlfriend for months, he was playing us both. This man was in a committed relationship with me for 6 years....but he wasn't drinking. Once alcohol took over and became his ONLY LOVE, he became like any alcoholic....lie, cheat, steal, a fog of denial, multiple girls to stroke his ego, debt, no accountability. He said "she wouldn't stop contacting me, that's why we are dating, she is just a friend".....Know let me ask, who ever started dating someone because they kept texting them????
For a year (I regret), I let him decide when we saw each other, when we talked and for how long, what we did...I was a people pleaser and codependant. He would just ignore me when he felt like it, would disappear and party, lots of SORRYs but no action to change it. All his stories made no sense..
I realized MY LIFE HAD BECOME UNMANAGEABLE...Because what input into the relationship did I have...????
What input do you have in this relationship, and are you willing to let him steer the car of life, with those decisions making skills?
I stayed by his side and "supported" him, and thought he would come around, so I tolerated bad behaviour. He was always needing a break and falling off the map for long periods of time, and guess what???
He had a girlfriend for months, he was playing us both. This man was in a committed relationship with me for 6 years....but he wasn't drinking. Once alcohol took over and became his ONLY LOVE, he became like any alcoholic....lie, cheat, steal, a fog of denial, multiple girls to stroke his ego, debt, no accountability. He said "she wouldn't stop contacting me, that's why we are dating, she is just a friend".....Know let me ask, who ever started dating someone because they kept texting them????
For a year (I regret), I let him decide when we saw each other, when we talked and for how long, what we did...I was a people pleaser and codependant. He would just ignore me when he felt like it, would disappear and party, lots of SORRYs but no action to change it. All his stories made no sense..
I realized MY LIFE HAD BECOME UNMANAGEABLE...Because what input into the relationship did I have...????
What input do you have in this relationship, and are you willing to let him steer the car of life, with those decisions making skills?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 127
Run for the hills honey, run for the hills & wake up & thank God everyday that you got away from this guy before you got even more involved. When his friends family etc are telling you how lovely you are and how you are good for him, this is not a good indication, you write of this like it is a good thing. IT IS NOT. This is code for, he is messed up....and you can hopefully sort him out. A normal scenario of meeting friends and family should not involve such a weird conversation, of 1 party being "good for" the other. You should be good together, loving, nurturing,and bring positivity into each others lives. I agree with Dreamsofserenity, his ex was probably perfectly normal when he met her, the emotional abuse has probs made her like she is. And it is emotional abuse what he is doing to you too. What good energy is he bringing to your life? Get out my darling and thank your lucky stars. Blessings xx
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Just because a new car still has that new car smell, doesn't mean it won't turn out to be a lemon!!!
THIS GUY IS A LEMON.
He has repeatedly shown you who he is, time to believe him.
RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN fast and far.
Five months is a drop in the bucket in the big picture of life, Let him go, move on, do not look back, write this one off, good grief, this guy is a nut job!
I would NEVER take another call from him, or read his texts ,EVER.
Yes, you have been played, and I am sorry for the hurt he has caused you, but knowing what you currently know ,there is ZERO reason to for you to ever talk to him again. If you do, you are just setting yourself up for more of the same. You decide.
THIS GUY IS A LEMON.
He has repeatedly shown you who he is, time to believe him.
RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN fast and far.
Five months is a drop in the bucket in the big picture of life, Let him go, move on, do not look back, write this one off, good grief, this guy is a nut job!
I would NEVER take another call from him, or read his texts ,EVER.
Yes, you have been played, and I am sorry for the hurt he has caused you, but knowing what you currently know ,there is ZERO reason to for you to ever talk to him again. If you do, you are just setting yourself up for more of the same. You decide.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Wow, he hit the lottery with you! A "normie" as gullible as could be. Now welcome to the "codie" club, a place I wouldn't want to visit for long...could turn into Hotel California which you can never leave.
All that is common speak here for continuing to accept unacceptable behavior, and thinking we can do something about it, like we can control it or influence the outcome somehow...which just leads to pain.
If you don't mind *sharing* your man, all you have to do is wait until they blow up again and be there and ready to take him back...until he needs one of those few days breaks again...aka...back with her for a romp.
I would get tested for std's, and think seriously about if I wanted one in the future as a gift from him if I luckily came out clean the first test.
He's shown you who he is with his behavior...his stories are at least 50% lies, maybe 80%.
Do you want to fight this woman for him to be your man? Could be endless non-fun.
How about just letting these two have each other...next time he calls...no thanks...work it out with your girlfriend without me in the mix. Those two are addicted to each other...which means he will leave you time and time again for her.
All that is common speak here for continuing to accept unacceptable behavior, and thinking we can do something about it, like we can control it or influence the outcome somehow...which just leads to pain.
If you don't mind *sharing* your man, all you have to do is wait until they blow up again and be there and ready to take him back...until he needs one of those few days breaks again...aka...back with her for a romp.
I would get tested for std's, and think seriously about if I wanted one in the future as a gift from him if I luckily came out clean the first test.
He's shown you who he is with his behavior...his stories are at least 50% lies, maybe 80%.
Do you want to fight this woman for him to be your man? Could be endless non-fun.
How about just letting these two have each other...next time he calls...no thanks...work it out with your girlfriend without me in the mix. Those two are addicted to each other...which means he will leave you time and time again for her.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: London
Posts: 20
Hi Teddy,
Sorry to read your story - rest assured that you are not alone.
Alcoholics are selfish, manipulative and they lie. They blame problems on others, nothing is ever their fault.
Your relationship sounds bad. A bf should enhance your life and it doesnt sound like this is the case.
Get out and don't look back - that is my opinion from my experience in a very similar position (bf texting and phoning ex girlfriend - he also said she was crazy, banned from driving - he said it wasnt his fault etc etc) only I stayed and things got worse and worse.
I left my bf in January - I only wish I had done it sooner, but I didn't have the strength then.
I wish you the strength to do this, and put yourself first.
Good luck x
Sorry to read your story - rest assured that you are not alone.
Alcoholics are selfish, manipulative and they lie. They blame problems on others, nothing is ever their fault.
Your relationship sounds bad. A bf should enhance your life and it doesnt sound like this is the case.
Get out and don't look back - that is my opinion from my experience in a very similar position (bf texting and phoning ex girlfriend - he also said she was crazy, banned from driving - he said it wasnt his fault etc etc) only I stayed and things got worse and worse.
I left my bf in January - I only wish I had done it sooner, but I didn't have the strength then.
I wish you the strength to do this, and put yourself first.
Good luck x
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
wow - almost took five months to read your story!!! kidding, but that is a LOT packed into less than half of one year.
first off, he was on probation when you met. RED FLAG.
he lives with his father. possible RED FLAG.
his license has been suspended due to DUIs. (sorry they don't usually suspend on the FIRST offense, so he's snowing ya that he only did it or got caught ONCE). RED FLAG.
has admitted to being violent - against officers of the law AND women. TWO RED FLAGS.
claims to have a psycho ex gf who just happened to get YOUR phone number? and email? by waltzing in to his house? yeah right....she may be psycho, but she's not his EX. RED FLAG.
and has now unceremoniously dumped you via text. RED FLAG.
i got 7 flags there. that's more than one for every month you've KNOWN this go. be glad he ended it. now you keep it ended and go on and live a happy life that does not involve all this nonsense. he ain't worth it babe. seriously.
first off, he was on probation when you met. RED FLAG.
he lives with his father. possible RED FLAG.
his license has been suspended due to DUIs. (sorry they don't usually suspend on the FIRST offense, so he's snowing ya that he only did it or got caught ONCE). RED FLAG.
has admitted to being violent - against officers of the law AND women. TWO RED FLAGS.
claims to have a psycho ex gf who just happened to get YOUR phone number? and email? by waltzing in to his house? yeah right....she may be psycho, but she's not his EX. RED FLAG.
and has now unceremoniously dumped you via text. RED FLAG.
i got 7 flags there. that's more than one for every month you've KNOWN this go. be glad he ended it. now you keep it ended and go on and live a happy life that does not involve all this nonsense. he ain't worth it babe. seriously.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
TeddyBear, I'll make this short and sweet.
Run away and never look back. You have just dodged a bullet. You were at the gates of hell debating on whether or not to go in and for some reason they shut the gates.
Celebrate your good luck and move on. You can do much better than this without even trying.
Your friend,
Run away and never look back. You have just dodged a bullet. You were at the gates of hell debating on whether or not to go in and for some reason they shut the gates.
Celebrate your good luck and move on. You can do much better than this without even trying.
Your friend,
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