choublak

Whoever here has seen the show How I Met Your Mother knows what I'm talking about, hopefully. Ted, the main character, goes on a search to find "the one", the future mother of his children, his soulmate, etc. People can have this whole mentality of finding "the one" and some people have an easier time finding it than others. There's this one episode of How I Met Your Mother where Ted tells Stella, his ex-fiance who left him at the altar for the father of her daughter, that he wants what she and her daughter's father have, and what Marshall and Lily have, and that he is tired of searching.

I had the mindset of finding "the one" for a long time but since learning that I was involved with someone who struggles with alcoholism have had to "re-program" such a mentality.

Does anyone understand what I'm saying?

dandylion

Dear Choublak---I think I do. I believe that generally, the young and the uinitiated assume that this is the way it is. As we experience more of real life (at least, this is true for me), we can discover that love is not finite. The capacity for love is infinite. the heart can always make room for more.

Some people may be fortunate--and their first love is their lasting and only love. Alas, that has not been me!!

I am speaking only of romantic l ove, of course,

sincerely, dandylion

Tuffgirl

Sure, this mentality is fuel for every romantic movie and novel! It is our music and poetry. And it keeps people together for far longer than they should, skewing a toxic relationship into something bearable because we think we found "the one".

Love is a strange phenomenon. It doesn't always make sense nor lead us down the best path.

But "the one" for me looks much different now than when I was young. Now, it is someone who treats me the way I'd like to be treated and whose word is good. For me, it really is that simple.

lizatola

Agreeing here. When my parents divorced it was a wake up call to me because they both went on and found real love with their second spouses. My mom has been happy for 20 years but the 20 years with my dad were miserable. I just didn't see it as a kid until I was in later high school years and I'd wonder what the heck she was doing with him.

I never fell into the 'one' thing even as a young adult. For me, I was just grateful that someone would even tell me they loved me. I didn't care if they were the one or just a person sitting on a park bench, I craved positive and loving statements so badly that I was willing to take anything. I wish I had had the fortitude of Ted. Keep trying this one, and that one, and wait and see if they're the 'one'. Nope, I just jumped in and took the plunge with the first person who gave me any positive feedback in my life. Crazy, this love thing is!

lillamy

I think that stuff is pure and utter bs.

You choose a partner like you choose everything else in life, based on what you want from life. I could have married the guy next door but I was too adventurous and wanted to see what was further down the road. I dated a super-rich east coast lawyer who wanted a wife like he wanted everything else; for show. Left him. I married an incredibly intelligent man who was always on the move. He turned out to be an alcoholic.

Now, I'm with the guy next door. Because I want security and understanding and partnership.

I think if you're looking for the one, your soulmate, you will always be disappointed. People are flawed. The trick is to find a flawed that doesn't rob you of who you are. My sweetie snores and has horrid eating habits - I can live with that because he supports me and loves me and calls me - nicely - on my Codie stuff. If he were to leave me, I would grieve but I'd never say "he was the only one I could ever love." I love him. But it's not a love that hurts. It's a love that makes my life easier and more relaxed and richer.

SolTraveler

I personally believe that there are many good fits for you, both in terms of friendships and romantic relationships. Some that are good fits in terms of attraction, or even good fits period, just do not work out because of addiction. The addiction trumps all, unfortunately, and it can turn what might otherwise be a great love into abuse and misery.

I am struggling with that right now as well. My ABF and I have been together off and on for 20 years, and he is the only one I have ever truly loved. But if it doesn't work out, and let's face it, chances are good that it will not, I am fine alone. I have to be, for my kids and students and the many people who depend on me.

Maybe one day there will be a love that is even more than I imagined, only without major flaws like dishonesty or addiction. You never know. I probably won't have the time or energy to seek it out, but I may stumble upon it anyway.

mattmathews

Two things I've heard since I started my recovery that I fall back on when questions like this come up:
Love, true love, means giving with no expectation of getting anything in return.
and
Relationships are difficult.

Wasn't "the One" a character in The Matrix?

Audrey1

I understand what you mean, Choublak.

I have a very hard time with this. The strange thing is, I didn't believe in all that "the one" crap before I met my partner. I just assumed Walt Disney made it up and managed to fool the rest of the world into believing it. Meeting my partner changed my mind and, for the first time, I truly believed he was the one for me. Marriage... children... these things no longer made me nauseous to think about them, and suddenly became things I actually wanted.

And then his alcoholism became apparent. I held on as long as I could but after being on the receiving end of some pretty pointed and nasty verbal abuse one too many times I lost all interest in the idea of the "one", of marriage, and of having children. The person who gave me hope for those things actually being real was the very same person who also shattered the illusion they could exist in my life.

That being said, I can see the immense efforts he has since gone to to "become a better man" for me in terms of quitting drinking and slowly working through his problems. This is a marked improvement on where we were this time last year, that's for sure. He has made all these changes for himself, but also because he has absolutely no doubt in his mind (apparently) that I am his "one".

So do I go with that and try to let go of all the bad memories and see his actions of today as evidence of love? Or it is simply impossible for someone to even conceive of abusing his "one", even under the influence of alcohol? Jury's still out.

Crazed

I do believe in "The One." I've looked for her my whole adult life (after college ). I found her, but I always knew I could never have her - she is an alcoholic that cannot get sober. I have equated her to a wild stallion that could never be saddled. I loved her from the first conversation we had, and it became stronger after we started a physical relationship. Red flag after after red flag kept me from committing - Until about 3 years in and my attitude changed. I would do my best to be a walk-on step dad. I failed miserably, with the exception of offering them stability. I hung in for many years, through the good and the bad. I ignored the red flags, and hoped she would somehow someday settle down - be content with life. Not drink. Not lie. I protected myself by acting strong with so many threats. I never let her totally in, and never treated her the best that I could have. But inside I was so soft, and always crushed by her actions. Yes it is unhealthy, but I do believe she was the one - if she got sober. I have another appt with therapist on Friday.

Perhaps I need to change my perspective, as well as the type of mate I next fall for. As someone once told me - marry an overweight unattractive gal - they will always treat you great and never break your heart.

DreamsofSerenity

Not that anyone should listen to me about relationships, but I don't believe in "the one" at all. In fact, I'd go so far as to say the concept of "the one" is detrimental to our growth. It keeps up stuck in bad relationships and makes us feel incomplete when we are alone.

I could be totally wrong here, but I do know that if there is "the one", I don't think one can find him/her unless one is one with one's self. (That is a lot of ones in one sentence but you know what I mean.)

Argnotthisagain

LOL, Dreams...One got quite a laugh out of that!!


Well, to add my 24cents, I've had a few "The Ones" Always exploded in my face, most of them so dysfunctional that I had to do the breaking up. And ALWAYS, with the MOST dysfunctional ones, I loved them THE MOST in the whole world they were my soulmate....or, a couple were so avoidant that nothing even got off the ground but I even obsessed about some of them!

The ones that were the worst--most painful and heartbreaking for me (two of them)-- also taught me the biggest life lessons. *ahem* :P. Both opened totally new chapters in my life.

But anyway, I'm still grieving my latest one; adjusting to a new location, been a challenge....still at work, that's a really big positive in my life.

Also, I finally got off my butt and picked a therapist. Not "Looked For", but PICKED. I think I'm gonna be able to do some good work with her.

, Self! She said to herself..... :thumbsup:

FireSprite

I never really believed in it, but when I met RAH it was very much like you hear about in storybooks..... I was taken totally off guard since I wasn't looking for it & had no plans or desire to marry or be in a committed relationship in any way.

I don't know how to describe it, but I knew after a very short time (like a week) that there was something very different about this relationship versus others I'd had. It was like meeting someone I already knew, but deeper, like my soul recognized something in him. This was 20 years ago, ages before any problems developed with alcohol or between us. I can honestly say that I still feel that way despite the rollercoaster of what we've gone through. Or maybe, feel that way "again since he has honestly sought recovery" is more accurate? It isn't enough to make me stay if everything else falls apart, I don't have a Cinderella-fairy-tale type of starry-eyed loyalty that keeps me tied by my heartstrings.

I DO believe in True Love, but I don't believe that there is ONLY ONE perfect match for each person during an entire lifetime.

24Years

I've been enjoying reading this thread. It speaks to me in that I have believed for some time now that love is a choice. My emotions toward someone who I share interests and who appreciates me become stronger toward them if I am also attracted to them so I know I have to truly choose wisely while while using my intellect to think through how compatible I am with another (though I am single now for 2 years and am not looking at this time). I think (as a female) as long as I don't let my emotions run the show, I will be in a much better place. It seems there will always be a risk in any relationship as we put out best foot forward so to speak, but as previous posts state, we are all flawed in some ways. I believe I will have no problem avoiding an alcoholic in the future as I spot a number of them just after one look. I have a friend whos first marriage was at the age of 44 and she married an alcoholic and is clueless in that way, though she was only married to him for one year. I watched mine become a major abuser over a 25 year period (binge drinker who claims he is not alcoholic).

The way I am seeing it, I love people rather easily (to greater and lesser degrees) by choosing to do good toward them. I will choose to marry only someone I believe I will be compatible with and who does not have addiction issues. I will take my time (= years) and I am open to the possibility that maybe I will never marry (or may never find "the one") and that is okay.

In final, I believe my ultimate peace and contentment comes from knowing I am a child of God who loves me greater than anyone could possibly fully imagine (speaking for myself) or humanly manage. I believe, as Mother of Teresa states, "in the end it is between you and God, it was never between you and them (or you and "the one",) anyway." At 50 y.o., I'm not certain what my future holds, but I am certain I love the freedom and contentment found in focusing on pleasing God (whom my faith teaches is "love", and I would go as far to say, is "the one") and everything else becomes secondary. I don't see how I can go wrong. That is the beauty I have found I can relate to in Al-Anon (having a higher power). I believe they have that spot on.

I am at peace, I am content, I am flawed...therefore I check out sober recovery! It is good people such as yourselves sharing your insights that help me determine the path I want to be on. Thank you all for your willingness to share your painful and joyous circumstances.

Summerpeach

There are many "the ones" that you meet along your journey that fit at each stage of your life.
Even the addicts/bad relationships I had were "the one", they are what I needed at the time to help me grow.

Good or bad, soul mates are all over.