Beyond Angry!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 63
I didn't know that this was a place where it was OK to judge and offend people. Yes I was angry and meant what I said. But you don't live in my house, I will defend him when I find it necessary. Nobody knows what I live and see daily. You guys don't know the relationship between him and his mom. So to attack me because I do and decided to defend the truth is foul. I will just write in my journal and pray. At least that way I know I won't be judged. I know that A's cause a lot of damage but I thought this was a place to seek help. Not to teach people how to throw their loved ones away and then get bashed if they choose to exercise their right to work on it!
I'm done, I get judged enough and will not be judged in a place that's supposed to be safe for me.
I'm done, I get judged enough and will not be judged in a place that's supposed to be safe for me.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
I didn't hear any judging or bashing, Chivon, just someone reflecting back to you the things you had said. Sometimes it's hard to take a look at ourselves. I hope you're able to do so. Whatever you do, I wish you all the best. SR is here when/if you need it.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
CY, no one's judging or attacking you. Tough questions are asked here because dealing with an alcoholic is a tough job and can come with a lot of denial. Lots of people have been put off here by the harder questions...if they stick around, they almost always see the other side of it eventually.
Another thing we say around here often is "Take what you like and leave the rest." People have different styles and some are more blunt than others -- but don't doubt for a second that everyone here understands where you are and only wants for you to find recovery from living with alcoholism.
If you have been looking for an excuse to avoid the tough questions about your marriage, then I suppose you have found it. But if you choose to stay, and keep reading and educating yourself about alcoholism, and absorbing the experience, strength and hope from people who have been there and survived, well then, more will be revealed. I hope you stay.
Another thing we say around here often is "Take what you like and leave the rest." People have different styles and some are more blunt than others -- but don't doubt for a second that everyone here understands where you are and only wants for you to find recovery from living with alcoholism.
If you have been looking for an excuse to avoid the tough questions about your marriage, then I suppose you have found it. But if you choose to stay, and keep reading and educating yourself about alcoholism, and absorbing the experience, strength and hope from people who have been there and survived, well then, more will be revealed. I hope you stay.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 63
Yes anvil head was passing judgement on me. He/she does not know what changes I'm making in my life. And to suggest I'm only defending my AH because change was suggest is mean. When it comes to certain things I will defend him No matter what people think. I am highly offended. And at this point re thinking this whole thing
Originally Posted by honeypig 
I didn't hear any judging or bashing, Chivon, just someone reflecting back to you the things you had said. Sometimes it's hard to take a look at ourselves. I hope you're able to do so. Whatever you do, I wish you all the best. SR is here when/if you need it.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Don't Leave Yet - meaning this Forum
Chivon, you feel offended, raged against, judged - okay, I understand that. When I first got to these boards nine months ago I felt the same way: "They don't know me", "My situation is different", "My Wife isn't THAT bad", etc., etc.
But I read, I prayed, I listened, I processed. But most importantly, I opened my eyes and my heart and my mind; and I realized that many, many of the people here have only the best intentions for you, believe that. Unfortunately there is way too much experience dealing with A's on this Forum, and with that we all have the scars (physical and mental) to prove it.
You came here looking for support - support is not always hand-holding and hugs, and pinches on the cheek - it's sometimes tough love and a smack in the noggin to get us to wake up. Anvilhead is right, you have changed your story - but that's okay, if it makes you feel safe in the moment. There have been many who have come, asked for and received ES&H, and left in a huff because of what they read.
Lo and behold, they lurk around and read more and listen more, and then they come back REALLY ready for what is offered here. And maybe that's what you need to do as well. Maybe the eye-opening was a bit too much right now, and maybe you need to take a step back and let it all sink in.
You say you trust in GOD, I do too. I believe that God led me to this place, and I gave this place a chance to find out why. This place has been a wonderful refuge for me, and a place to learn. I have grown leaps and bounds in those 9 months, and I am thankful on a daily basis for this forum.
If you want an example of people who got offended and were constantly defending the actions of their A, check out the posts of "Crazed" (Sorry, my friend, but it might help her). Check out his posts from when he started a couple months back, and look where he is now. A wonderful transformation has taken place, and he took all sorts of flak when he first came, more than you have so far. But, he found out that some, if not all, of us know what we're talking about.
Think about it, pray about it, but keep reading, even if you're not ready to post.
Peace and Blessings,
C-OH Dad
But I read, I prayed, I listened, I processed. But most importantly, I opened my eyes and my heart and my mind; and I realized that many, many of the people here have only the best intentions for you, believe that. Unfortunately there is way too much experience dealing with A's on this Forum, and with that we all have the scars (physical and mental) to prove it.
You came here looking for support - support is not always hand-holding and hugs, and pinches on the cheek - it's sometimes tough love and a smack in the noggin to get us to wake up. Anvilhead is right, you have changed your story - but that's okay, if it makes you feel safe in the moment. There have been many who have come, asked for and received ES&H, and left in a huff because of what they read.
Lo and behold, they lurk around and read more and listen more, and then they come back REALLY ready for what is offered here. And maybe that's what you need to do as well. Maybe the eye-opening was a bit too much right now, and maybe you need to take a step back and let it all sink in.
You say you trust in GOD, I do too. I believe that God led me to this place, and I gave this place a chance to find out why. This place has been a wonderful refuge for me, and a place to learn. I have grown leaps and bounds in those 9 months, and I am thankful on a daily basis for this forum.
If you want an example of people who got offended and were constantly defending the actions of their A, check out the posts of "Crazed" (Sorry, my friend, but it might help her). Check out his posts from when he started a couple months back, and look where he is now. A wonderful transformation has taken place, and he took all sorts of flak when he first came, more than you have so far. But, he found out that some, if not all, of us know what we're talking about.
Think about it, pray about it, but keep reading, even if you're not ready to post.
Peace and Blessings,
C-OH Dad
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 63
In my defense I was not defending him until the situation with his mom came up, I was clarifying a few things. Thats it thats all. Before I got on SR my best friend asked me some of the same things you guys asked me and I told her the same thing. The fact of the matter is I have not been here that long and I have not expressed all of the things that I feel. There are times when I do want to leave, but most of the time I dont and that is MY TRUTH! I don't feel that I should have to go into major detail or justify my decisions. Yes I am seeking help for myself, yes I am taking steps to change; but at the end of the day nobody lives my life and I have to do what I feel will bring me peace. "No 2 codependents are the same". There will be days when I love him and days that I cant stand him. But I think that is part of relationships whether someone is substance addicted or not.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 837
Chivon, what Centralohiodad is saying is true. We all came here thinking the same way you are right now. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and all the love and loyalty to him will not make it go away. I tried it all almost to the point of losing my own life, ugh. If just loving and standing by the alcoholic was enough do you think most of us would be here right now? He has to face his disease just like you will have to face the reality of the situation, it's hard. . . oh so hard but it is the only way you will survive.
You will be in my prayers, God loves your husband and you so very much.
You will be in my prayers, God loves your husband and you so very much.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: London
Posts: 20
Hi,
What you have wriiten is so familiar!!!
My abf used to sleep soundly, loudly snoring while flailing his arms and legs about and restingthem on me. And talking in his sleep.
I got so frustrated - I used to go and sleep on the sofa, then when I had dropped off and was in a deep sleep he would wander in and wake me up wondering what I was doing! Then I would have to go back to bed just to keep the peace.
The sleep deprivation was so awful, and then trying to hold down my job while he was signed off work.
I left him in the end!
What you have wriiten is so familiar!!!
My abf used to sleep soundly, loudly snoring while flailing his arms and legs about and restingthem on me. And talking in his sleep.
I got so frustrated - I used to go and sleep on the sofa, then when I had dropped off and was in a deep sleep he would wander in and wake me up wondering what I was doing! Then I would have to go back to bed just to keep the peace.
The sleep deprivation was so awful, and then trying to hold down my job while he was signed off work.
I left him in the end!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
No attack, on my part, I am sorry if you took it that way.
Just an observation of YOUR words.
We are here to support you. Actually, I have heard enough about your alcoholic husband. How bout we talk about YOU, and what we can do to help you get to a healthier place in life? What do you need Chivon?
Just an observation of YOUR words.
We are here to support you. Actually, I have heard enough about your alcoholic husband. How bout we talk about YOU, and what we can do to help you get to a healthier place in life? What do you need Chivon?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
When it comes to certain things I will defend him No matter what people think. I am highly offended. And at this point re thinking this whole thing
But I think that is part of relationships whether someone is substance addicted or not.
You have choices. You always have choices.
There is no need to defend him here.
I responded to you out of concern for you.
His behavior seemed to have upset you, and I have been where you are.
There will be days when I love him and days that I cant stand him. But I think that is part of relationships whether someone is substance addicted or not.
Too much tension for me. Drama.
I still believe you deserve more and I don't care what you say.
Beth
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Chivon, when I first came here a little over a year ago, I was a mess. I hated the posts/replies from some of the posters. See, I was unique, my situation was different. My husband was different. I just knew God was going to save me. And He did. He showed me the truth.
I liked being in denial and being a victim because it was easy. I didn't have to face the fact that I hard some hard choices to make. In fact, I wasn't ready to.
Posters like Anvil ticked me off, lol, because the truth stung each and every time. Today, I am thankful that someone took the time to shake me into reality and show me what I couldn't see for myself.
God gives us the boat but we have to learn to use the oars.
I hope you keep reading and posting. Someday, when you are ready, you will be very thankful for such candid honesty and wisdom. Most of us, have been where you are at -at one time or another. We truly do understand, we just now know there is a much better place to be.
God Bless
I liked being in denial and being a victim because it was easy. I didn't have to face the fact that I hard some hard choices to make. In fact, I wasn't ready to.
Posters like Anvil ticked me off, lol, because the truth stung each and every time. Today, I am thankful that someone took the time to shake me into reality and show me what I couldn't see for myself.
God gives us the boat but we have to learn to use the oars.
I hope you keep reading and posting. Someday, when you are ready, you will be very thankful for such candid honesty and wisdom. Most of us, have been where you are at -at one time or another. We truly do understand, we just now know there is a much better place to be.
God Bless
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: My Happy Place
Posts: 700
I personally seek out Anvils posts. They keep me focused and grounded when I start to think my situation is unique, and my XABF was just misunderstood. If this keeps up, in time you will too. Take care.
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
Hey ChivonYvette,
I hope you will stick around and just keep reading and posting. There will be things posted that you don't like sometimes. Everyone has their reasons for why they post the way they do. It's not really specific to your situation or about you at all.
Sometimes we see ourselves in another person's situation and just want to protect that person by beating them over the head with our own Experience, Strength and Hope.
Sometimes I take people's words the wrong way, and later realize they didn't mean what I thought they meant.
There is even a helpful post about this specifically.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-they-do.html
If something really gets under my skin, I try to figure out why. You definitely don't have to defend yourself or your husband here. There is even an option to put someone on ignore (though I have never used it myself for fear I will miss something important.)
We are a motley crew, but we are not all of the same mind. We're not a band of people out to make you feel badly and we all come from very different perspectives.
Anyway, I hope you will stick around.
Peace,
Hanna
I hope you will stick around and just keep reading and posting. There will be things posted that you don't like sometimes. Everyone has their reasons for why they post the way they do. It's not really specific to your situation or about you at all.
Sometimes we see ourselves in another person's situation and just want to protect that person by beating them over the head with our own Experience, Strength and Hope.
Sometimes I take people's words the wrong way, and later realize they didn't mean what I thought they meant.
There is even a helpful post about this specifically.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-they-do.html
If something really gets under my skin, I try to figure out why. You definitely don't have to defend yourself or your husband here. There is even an option to put someone on ignore (though I have never used it myself for fear I will miss something important.)
We are a motley crew, but we are not all of the same mind. We're not a band of people out to make you feel badly and we all come from very different perspectives.
Anyway, I hope you will stick around.
Peace,
Hanna
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 63
Thank you so much. You always make me smile. My feelings are everywhere. Idk what to do. I just feel crazy like I'm fighting a losing battle I'm determined to win. I'm up then down, hopeful then hopeless... its just nuts.
Originally Posted by marie1960
No attack, on my part, I am sorry if you took it that way.
Just an observation of YOUR words.
We are here to support you. Actually, I have heard enough about your alcoholic husband. How bout we talk about YOU, and what we can do to help you get to a healthier place in life? What do you need Chivon?
Just an observation of YOUR words.
We are here to support you. Actually, I have heard enough about your alcoholic husband. How bout we talk about YOU, and what we can do to help you get to a healthier place in life? What do you need Chivon?
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: NE Wisconsin USA
Posts: 6,223
Originally Posted by marie1960
Chivon,
A quick Google search shows over 1,300 combined AA and Al Anon weekly meetings in the Metro Detroit area. I hope you can find a meeting in your area. Public transportation does run throughout the city on a daily basis.
Perhaps, contacting local hospitals, churches, the Salvation Army, will be able to assist you in finding a meeting in close proximity to where you are living.
I really believe you could benefit from some face to face support.
I feel for you, but if you want change, you are going to have to reach out for help. You do not have to go this alone. And as always, we will be here too.
A quick Google search shows over 1,300 combined AA and Al Anon weekly meetings in the Metro Detroit area. I hope you can find a meeting in your area. Public transportation does run throughout the city on a daily basis.
Perhaps, contacting local hospitals, churches, the Salvation Army, will be able to assist you in finding a meeting in close proximity to where you are living.
I really believe you could benefit from some face to face support.
I feel for you, but if you want change, you are going to have to reach out for help. You do not have to go this alone. And as always, we will be here too.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Originally Posted by ChivonYvette
Maybe I didn't make it clear when i made that post...I meant he has done it in the past over a year ago. its not like he just pisses on himself and all over the house on a daily basis.
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