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In my head - need to vent

Old 04-14-2013, 04:18 PM
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In my head - need to vent

A little frustrated today- more like a lot frustrated.

I received a call a few hours ago from my EXAGs aunt. I shouldn't have taken the call, but I still have some issues with detachment, and knew the call was probably to give me an update on the EXAGs progress in recovery. It is hard not to wonder, and curiousity got the best of me. Apparently 18 year old daughter visited with her today. What I learned:

1) She is apparently blaming her drinking on me. I was too demanding and added too much pressure in her life. She could never measure up, or could not do anything right. She was always walking on eggshells. I was too hard on the kids.

While she has openly stated to me in the past that "in her mind, right or wrong, she justifies her drinking because she feels like a piece of sh!t around me," this is the first time that I was directly blamed.

I know it is BS, and I should let it roll off me. But I still hurts.

2) Daughter stated that she doesn't think EXAG is realizing how serious her legal issues are. She apparently acted fine, and told her daughter not to sell her car, as she will be getting a hardship license soon after she gets out of rehab.

Apparently having no job (no income) and having an outstanding felony DUi charge are of no concern. She is looking at a lifetime license revocation- hardship MAYBE in 5 years. And don't forget about the addiction to Vodka.

While this is all second-hand information, it is what I expected. When I heard she denied being drunk during her 4th DUI (in spite of having a vodka drink in center console and Vodka bottle on floor at 11am), I figured this would happen. In her true form, she is pretending that things aren't that bad, and her life is in order. She still has all the balls in the air.

...... And I feel pretty bad that I am the cause of I all. (Sarcasm)

Thanks for letting me vent.
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Old 04-14-2013, 05:34 PM
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crazed, if YOU were truly to blame, then the minute you left all her problems would go away. you KNOW that is not true. she blames you because she can.

my mom used to get very sick from drinking (in fact it killed her) and one of her classic excuses was..........BAD ICE. yup, defective frozen water. had nothing to do with the alcohol IN the ice.

it only hurts because you still feel like this has ANYTHING to do with you.
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Old 04-14-2013, 05:50 PM
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The depths of the denial is just amazing to me, no matter how many times I personally see it or hear about it. Know that I have seen and heard exactly what you are seeing and hearing.

I got caught up with my addicted loved one again, and now I am working my way back to loving detachment. It is getting easier and easier. Don't forget that it is a process for us, just as it is for them. We need to step out of the way and let God hold us, and our addicted loved ones.
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Old 04-14-2013, 06:11 PM
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There ya go, so much for any credibility she ever may have had. If she can deny being drunk under those circumstances, and views everything that has happened as only a minor setback, then it should be obvious that her problems are WAY more than anything you could either be responsible for or ever hope to fix.
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Old 04-14-2013, 06:31 PM
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Crazed,

This is such a difficult situation! My AH has just spent the last 2 days sicker than a dog with his head in a can brafing his guts up from a 14day vodka binge and you know what? It was all my fault says HE! I literally poured that crap down his throat and lit a fire under him just to make myself miserable! It sounds like so much fun Eh?! Now that he's sobering up, he can shoulder the blame which he always does.

I've heard this song and seen the dance. My husband screamed at me, I don't drive DRUNK DRUNK! I drive DRUNK! He is lucky he's never killed anyone or himself yet or been pulled over! He thinks his job is secure (Corrections Officer at a Max 5) He goes to work drunk. He comes home drunk. He works out at the gym drunk. He goes to bed drunk. Yet he will look me in my eye and tell me he hasn't been drinking. He lies and he tells me, I lie because you know I'm a liar and it's okay because I'm a liar!

Do NOT let that woman degrade you and shoulder the blame for what she has done! That is hard not to do because I am in the same boat! It's hard to seperate yourself from words that cut so deep they almost never heal. I hate how this is classified as a family disease yet no one but the one drinking or drugging can help stop it but sure-as-****, we all suffer the fallout of this sickness!

I think the hardest thing I've done to date is hand my AH our marriage when he demanded I give him his truck keys for a vodka run because he's 55 years old! I begged him not to do it because I would have to leave. I told him to make the choice between the bottle and me and he told me, I made my decision now give me my effing keys! So I handed him our marriage and he left for his bottle. It broke my heart.
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Old 04-14-2013, 07:46 PM
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"1) She is apparently blaming her drinking on me. I was too demanding and added too much pressure in her life. She could never measure up, or could not do anything right. She was always walking on eggshells. I was too hard on the kids." (crazed)


But she stayed in a relationship with your for 13 Years????? So if you were this horrible person, why did she keep calling you, every time her world shattered? I have asked myself over and over, do they really believe the crap that comes out of their mouths? Is this how their drunken brain processes information? Are they playing the martyr
here? Do they really believe they are a victim? Just WOW!!

You do realize that speaking with the Aunt is probably not good for you and your recovery.

I do not believe the Aunt said one thing that would be considered helpful or positive. Whether it was intentional or not, what she told you must have been hurtful for you.

Of course the decision remains yours, but if i were in your situation, I would end all contact with the aunt. Your wounds are pretty raw, and she is just pouring salt on them.

Be well, my friend.
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Old 04-14-2013, 08:29 PM
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Crazed, I agree with Marie. You have been doing so well, and even thinking compassionately about your ex. By answering the call from her aunt today, you just let in the hurt again. Even though you don't believe your XGF's BS, it still hurts to be blamed. And I'm sure it is also painful to hear that she is still deeply in denial about her problems.
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Old 04-15-2013, 03:00 PM
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it still hurts to be blamed. And I'm sure it is also painful to hear that she is still deeply in denial about her problems
It does. And it is.
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