Florence

My AH does this and I think it's largely a form of manipulation -- a way to tell us to back off or that he's capable of blowing up the lemonade stand if we don't do what he wants. My experience is that people who want to die do it, and there is no stopping them, and they don't tell people they're going to kill themselves in a fit of obstinence. Addicts are capable of terrible things in order to protect their addictions. The addiction protects its boundaries. As friends and family, we can't be held hostage to these histrionics.

If this feels even an inkling true for you, I've seen it recommended that the next time he starts talking imminent suicide that you call the police and let them know you are concerned that your adult son is talking about suicide and capable of hurting himself. It's not something I would discuss with your son. I would just do it.

One time before I realized that my AH was an alcoholic, I forced him to sit down with me to hash out a household budget. Halfway through the discussion, which he didn't want to have, he marched out of the house and choked himself in the garage with an extension cord. He didn't do it enough to really hurt himself, but just enough to give himself marks on his neck. He was embarrassed about the marks, but that suicide attempt (to this day I don't think it was an earnest attempt) was enough to hold me hostage for another couple of years, where I stopped asking him to participate in the household, make decisions with me, contribute fairly to the household, etc. It was one major catalyst to his addiction's progression. After he did it, I made a bunch of phone calls to my family, to his family, to figure out what to do. Everyone's answer was that I should tiptoe around him and just deal with it because they didn't want him to hurt himself. No one suggested that I didn't have to live like this.

What I know today is that both his family and mine are deeply codependent enablers. So, my thought is to keep him and you accountable. I'll tell you: You don't have to live like this.

What do you do when an adult threatens suicide? You call the police. Your son is an adult who is accountable for his addiction, his behaviors, and his mental health maintenance. You can't control him or his choices. He must feel the consequences of his choices. Suicide threats are a completely unacceptable method of manipulating his family into helping him maintain his addiction.

I feel for you. This is terrible, scary stuff. But I reiterate, you don't have to live this way.

HopefulmomtoD

If be threatens suicide, call 911. Let the emergency room deal with him. They can not discharge a patient that they believe is a danger to himself- even if he does not have insurance. He may get some help. If they decide its not a credible threat and send him home, maybe he won't do it next time. Call everytime he threatens and he'll get the message.

Schnook

Sorry! I posted then left for work. He is 29 and lives with me. He has only lived away when in college and hasn't been able to keep a job since. I haven't had the strength to legally evict him. I hope you are doing better in your situation, too. Thanks for listening.

Schnook

I hate to ever involve the police but do believe it would help me deal with it next time.
Florence, your AH choking himself in the garage is just crazy. The things we see and hear from the people we love the most is so disturbing. I am codependent, too, and found a great sticky on it last night! I just need to start taking action.

Florence

It is! It's totally crazy! But honest to god, I just adapted to the crazy. It became a part of the landscape. In my life, there was a lot of crazy in my family and friends and I just adapted. Ugh.

I had a therapy session once where it hit me that not everyone lives like this, like, I could have a life free of the constant threats and emotional blackmail. Seriously, I had no idea. I thought it was like this for everyone. It's not! I had to give myself permission to choose something else. Like my situation above, I wanted us to craft a budget so we could meet some financial goals, and he freaked out because he realized I was about to find out how much money he spent on secret vodka. It was a long con, and quite a good one because it played on my guilt, fear, and feelings of responsibility.

Schnook

Yes this experience really opens your eyes at how the years can go by because we have adapted to it, albeit horrible. Well you can't say we aren't a resilient bunch! You sound to be in a good place now and I am happy for you.

Hopeful27

Schnook - In my humble opinion, you should let your son know that his behavior is not acceptable and he will need to find another place to live.

I know how difficult that is but otherwise the situation will never change. Just from my experience things have to get much worse before they improve.

In my son's case, he ran out of options and finally went to rehab. I know at the time he wasn't committed to recovery and hence the relapse. I have not heard from him since Monday but I am hanging in there and hopeful that his Higher Power is taking care of him.

This is such a long and rough journey for us.

Keeping your son in my prayers.

Schnook

Hopeful, That is what I needed today to stay on track. Today is day 4 of his bender, so he usually comes home in bad shape and depressed and I let him be for a day or so. When I come from work I will have a plan, one that I can stick to! Thank You. I hope you hear some good news soon from your son.

Hopeful27

My son was depressed all the time when he was drinking and couldn't see that it was the alcohol making him feel that way.

Make a plan and follow through with it - stay strong.