I Don’t Know Why I Stay…
Journey To Me
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Kyle, Texas
Posts: 395
I Don’t Know Why I Stay…
You see, It makes no sense to me. Why do I stay involved? Is it the fact that he is the man I have been with since I was 18? Am I still remembering that 19 year old who swept me off my feet?
Since then I have been lied to, spat at, hidden from, cheated on, emotionally and physically abused, and left feeling lonely. Granted our relationship together has improved immensely since he realized he was in fact alcoholic and I realized I am important, but I still feel that this man would not be the comforting provider that I am seeking. Why do I stay?
My AH was dry for nine months this last stint. He was that man I want so desperately for those wonderful nine months. In the back of my mind, however, I remembered what I have read written by so many of you all who share similar situations regarding the difference of an alcoholic being dry versus recovering. I believe I was hoping that he was recovering, but I think I may have known he was just refraining from using alcohol. He did not work a program, nor had he made any headway on how to handle stress. Stress is what gets him- that is his main trigger. When times got stressful he lacks the tools to handle the situation and turns to his old “friend.”
I, on the other hand, have made some progress. I come from a place of serenity now even knowing that he is home alone either drinking or sleeping as he had done for four days now. He has not done any work, which lucky for him he works for himself. It is not my problem. Now back to the question that bemuses me, why do I stay? I want to leave. I get so excited in thinking that I can travel and settle in a new location (AH NEVER wanted to relocate). I have visions of talking to the lawyer and pursuing the papers. I have played the scene in my mind on how I would break the news to him. Yet, I hesitated yesterday when placing that call to the lawyer. I had the number on the display of my cell phone, but I did not hit “call.”
I have been with this man for twelve years now. We get along great, he always makes me laugh, and he can be so perfect. If I want him in my life, though, I have to accept the fact that he is 80% the man I so desire, and 20% the man I cannot stand. I would have to accept that when that 20% is in effect that I have to take the full load of our stress. I would have to hold my end and his. I would have all joint responsibilities placed upon me. I would have to accept that when times get stressful and tough he will not be my support, but rather a burden. He would be emotionally and physically absent during that 20%. I would have to accept that during that 20% he is full of negativity and depression and he lacks the restraint and censorship he normally would hold. Is that good enough for me? I say no it is not. I want someone that doesn’t “check out” when I need them most. I know nobody is perfect, but during the 20% side of my husband my stomach is in knots when I get close to home, my dog is terrified and neglected, supper is not fixed, and my house is a mess. Do I accept this?
Why did I hesitate to place that call to the lawyer? Am I scared of change? I don’t think it is fear of being alone since I feel like I have been alone for years. I still had not fully trusted him with my heart even though he was dry for those months. I think I fear that I have wasted all this time and gained nothing. I do not have an established career nor do I have kids. I had envisioned that at the age of thirty I would have kids and an established family, but if I leave I would be starting over at thirty. I think I am holding on to this 80% wonderful man, because I fear that I would have to start over. How do I get passed this fear and do what I logically know I should do?
Since then I have been lied to, spat at, hidden from, cheated on, emotionally and physically abused, and left feeling lonely. Granted our relationship together has improved immensely since he realized he was in fact alcoholic and I realized I am important, but I still feel that this man would not be the comforting provider that I am seeking. Why do I stay?
My AH was dry for nine months this last stint. He was that man I want so desperately for those wonderful nine months. In the back of my mind, however, I remembered what I have read written by so many of you all who share similar situations regarding the difference of an alcoholic being dry versus recovering. I believe I was hoping that he was recovering, but I think I may have known he was just refraining from using alcohol. He did not work a program, nor had he made any headway on how to handle stress. Stress is what gets him- that is his main trigger. When times got stressful he lacks the tools to handle the situation and turns to his old “friend.”
I, on the other hand, have made some progress. I come from a place of serenity now even knowing that he is home alone either drinking or sleeping as he had done for four days now. He has not done any work, which lucky for him he works for himself. It is not my problem. Now back to the question that bemuses me, why do I stay? I want to leave. I get so excited in thinking that I can travel and settle in a new location (AH NEVER wanted to relocate). I have visions of talking to the lawyer and pursuing the papers. I have played the scene in my mind on how I would break the news to him. Yet, I hesitated yesterday when placing that call to the lawyer. I had the number on the display of my cell phone, but I did not hit “call.”
I have been with this man for twelve years now. We get along great, he always makes me laugh, and he can be so perfect. If I want him in my life, though, I have to accept the fact that he is 80% the man I so desire, and 20% the man I cannot stand. I would have to accept that when that 20% is in effect that I have to take the full load of our stress. I would have to hold my end and his. I would have all joint responsibilities placed upon me. I would have to accept that when times get stressful and tough he will not be my support, but rather a burden. He would be emotionally and physically absent during that 20%. I would have to accept that during that 20% he is full of negativity and depression and he lacks the restraint and censorship he normally would hold. Is that good enough for me? I say no it is not. I want someone that doesn’t “check out” when I need them most. I know nobody is perfect, but during the 20% side of my husband my stomach is in knots when I get close to home, my dog is terrified and neglected, supper is not fixed, and my house is a mess. Do I accept this?
Why did I hesitate to place that call to the lawyer? Am I scared of change? I don’t think it is fear of being alone since I feel like I have been alone for years. I still had not fully trusted him with my heart even though he was dry for those months. I think I fear that I have wasted all this time and gained nothing. I do not have an established career nor do I have kids. I had envisioned that at the age of thirty I would have kids and an established family, but if I leave I would be starting over at thirty. I think I am holding on to this 80% wonderful man, because I fear that I would have to start over. How do I get passed this fear and do what I logically know I should do?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear MTSlideAddict, it is most likely that your answers lie somewhere in the FOG--Fear; Obligation; Guilt. Moreover, you already "know" what is holding you back, but haven't quite gotten so far as to say it "out loud" to yourself or verbalize it to others, yet. I can see that you are on the path of knowing--because you are already fantasizing about how to handle certain aspects. FANTASICING (visualizing) IS A BIG STEP TOWARD BRINGING SOMETHING TO FULL REALITY. When a person fantasizes about something--they are already having that experience in a very tinsy part way. Kind of like a mental "rehearsal" for the real thing. I did this for a long time before I divorced my children's father. In the end, my utter unhappiness about the fact that I could never--ever be my true self (and, believe me, I am a marvelous self LOL!!!) with that man overcame my fears. That was eons ago--I have never regreretted my decision.
Keep on as you are, I say. I think you are o n the right bath--just a bit more to go!!
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
I believe Anvil says, play the movie all the way through.
So for 12 years you get so far into the movie and hit pause.
I can see were that could get frustrating.
Would it hurt to contact an attorney? I am sure you have unanswered questions regarding the divorce process, getting factual information helps us to make educated decisions. You don't have to act on anything today.
You are on a personal path, everything that has happened, has brought you to this point. I wish you peace and strength as you continue to sort out what you need.
Turning 30 sounds pretty wonderful to me. You are young, you have so much to look forward to. Embrace the ride.
So for 12 years you get so far into the movie and hit pause.
I can see were that could get frustrating.
Would it hurt to contact an attorney? I am sure you have unanswered questions regarding the divorce process, getting factual information helps us to make educated decisions. You don't have to act on anything today.
You are on a personal path, everything that has happened, has brought you to this point. I wish you peace and strength as you continue to sort out what you need.
Turning 30 sounds pretty wonderful to me. You are young, you have so much to look forward to. Embrace the ride.
Journey To Me
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Kyle, Texas
Posts: 395
You know Dandylion, that sounds right. - F.O.G..
I fear the unknown. I fear that I will not like it, and that I will not make it on my own. I am fearful of the fight a divorce can carry – believe me my husband does not settle nicely for less then what he feels he deserves. I fear that I will not be happy in the end, so I settle.
I feel I believe that I am obligated to work harder for my marriage. I took the vow seriously, and I feel I am obligated to honor that commitment. This ties in with fear, since I fear what will happen if I no longer had the marriage. Again- I settle.
I have guilt in knowing that my marriage is failing. I feel guilty knowing that I enabled him for so long, and knowing that I drank alongside him for years. I feel guilty knowing that I said “yes” to this man even though I saw signs of negative behavior well before marriage. Hell, we didn’t even have sex on our wedding night because he was too drunk. I just didn’t know what to call it then. I feel guilty knowing that I accepted all of the abuse as a normal part of a relationship, and turned a blind eye.
This is all reasons of why I hesitate. Thanks for bringing that into view.
If I play the whole movie, I see one sided compromises. I see that I gave up drinking to support him, when he hides his consumption from me. I see me supporting and comforting him. I see him taking me for granted and pleading for forgiveness. I see that I have worked way harder in holding on to this marriage then he has. I sacrificed so much to hold on to this man.
I fear the unknown. I fear that I will not like it, and that I will not make it on my own. I am fearful of the fight a divorce can carry – believe me my husband does not settle nicely for less then what he feels he deserves. I fear that I will not be happy in the end, so I settle.
I feel I believe that I am obligated to work harder for my marriage. I took the vow seriously, and I feel I am obligated to honor that commitment. This ties in with fear, since I fear what will happen if I no longer had the marriage. Again- I settle.
I have guilt in knowing that my marriage is failing. I feel guilty knowing that I enabled him for so long, and knowing that I drank alongside him for years. I feel guilty knowing that I said “yes” to this man even though I saw signs of negative behavior well before marriage. Hell, we didn’t even have sex on our wedding night because he was too drunk. I just didn’t know what to call it then. I feel guilty knowing that I accepted all of the abuse as a normal part of a relationship, and turned a blind eye.
This is all reasons of why I hesitate. Thanks for bringing that into view.
If I play the whole movie, I see one sided compromises. I see that I gave up drinking to support him, when he hides his consumption from me. I see me supporting and comforting him. I see him taking me for granted and pleading for forgiveness. I see that I have worked way harder in holding on to this marriage then he has. I sacrificed so much to hold on to this man.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
WOW, MTSlide, you are able to lay it all right out there!! Actually, I have heard every one of these things voiced by others at one time or another on this forum. I think you would find great solace and validation--and answers for yourself by continuing to share with others who have walked before you.
You have more courage than you realize. I have heard it said that we never know what courage we have until it is the only option!
Good show, MtSlide.
sincerely, dandylion
You have more courage than you realize. I have heard it said that we never know what courage we have until it is the only option!
Good show, MtSlide.
sincerely, dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
"If I play the whole movie, I see one sided compromises. I see that I gave up drinking to support him, when he hides his consumption from me. I see me supporting and comforting him. I see him taking me for granted and pleading for forgiveness. I see that I have worked way harder in holding on to this marriage then he has. I sacrificed so much to hold on to this man." (MTSlideaddict)
.^^^^^^^
Just my humble opinion, but............
i see this as replaying the same scene over, and over, and over. This is not playing the movie all the way through. Fast forward for a minute, where do you see yourself in a year? 3 years? 5 years? Do you want to have a children? Is your husband in his current state ,the guy you would want to have a family with? If you aren't entertaining kids, do you want to be in this same spot next year? Because honestly, you just keep hitting the repeat button.
I am not judging, my intent is not to be cruel. like yourself I was STUCK. It takes concentrated effort to choose better for ourselves.
I needed a different outcome.
I did not want to wake up and repeat yesterday's bullsh*t. I had told myself every excuse known to man. I could not even make up one small white lie to comfort myself and get me to a healthy tomorrow. I was so wrapped up in an addicts out of control life, I forgot that I wasn't an addict, and I had free will to CHOOSE better for ME. I wasn't stuck at all.......... HE WAS/ IS
.^^^^^^^
Just my humble opinion, but............
i see this as replaying the same scene over, and over, and over. This is not playing the movie all the way through. Fast forward for a minute, where do you see yourself in a year? 3 years? 5 years? Do you want to have a children? Is your husband in his current state ,the guy you would want to have a family with? If you aren't entertaining kids, do you want to be in this same spot next year? Because honestly, you just keep hitting the repeat button.
I am not judging, my intent is not to be cruel. like yourself I was STUCK. It takes concentrated effort to choose better for ourselves.
I needed a different outcome.
I did not want to wake up and repeat yesterday's bullsh*t. I had told myself every excuse known to man. I could not even make up one small white lie to comfort myself and get me to a healthy tomorrow. I was so wrapped up in an addicts out of control life, I forgot that I wasn't an addict, and I had free will to CHOOSE better for ME. I wasn't stuck at all.......... HE WAS/ IS
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 267
((MTSlide)) I am so sorry. As you know, my situation is similar in many ways - including the fact that we are both Texans! 
I wish I had advice for you. What Dandylion and Marie said make sense to me, but you have your own timeline. 30 is plenty young to start over. I teach at a local university and I see plenty of people much older pursuing new careers or just plain starting over after divorce who are even in their 40s and 50s. That tells me that it is not uncommon at all.
When you are ready, you have the strength to do it. ((Hugs))
I wish I had advice for you. What Dandylion and Marie said make sense to me, but you have your own timeline. 30 is plenty young to start over. I teach at a local university and I see plenty of people much older pursuing new careers or just plain starting over after divorce who are even in their 40s and 50s. That tells me that it is not uncommon at all.
When you are ready, you have the strength to do it. ((Hugs))
Journey To Me
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Kyle, Texas
Posts: 395
Originally Posted by marie1960 
Just my humble opinion, but............
i see this as replaying the same scene over, and over, and over. This is not playing the movie all the way through. Fast forward for a minute, where do you see yourself in a year? 3 years? 5 years? Do you want to have a children? Is your husband in his current state ,the guy you would want to have a family with? If you aren't entertaining kids, do you want to be in this same spot next year? Because honestly, you just keep hitting the repeat button.
i see this as replaying the same scene over, and over, and over. This is not playing the movie all the way through. Fast forward for a minute, where do you see yourself in a year? 3 years? 5 years? Do you want to have a children? Is your husband in his current state ,the guy you would want to have a family with? If you aren't entertaining kids, do you want to be in this same spot next year? Because honestly, you just keep hitting the repeat button.
Can I sanely agree to raise children in this type of environment? I think my hang up is the "what if." What if he squashes that 20% unreliable man for good, and shines his wonderful side 100%. What if he really works a program, and successfully maintains sobriety. I know he wants sobriety. I have to stop thinking about the "what if's." They do not get me anywhere, and that is why I am stuck on repeat. If I keep waiting for this “what if” fantasy to come true I might have waited my entire life. I don’t think I want that.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 585
It's easy to get stuck on the what if part and not look at what is. I know. I've been stuck on "what if" for a while. I'm working on looking at what is...and one of my favorite sayings lately is "It is what it is, but it becomes what you make of it." In every moment, there is such potential. It's up to us to decide what to do and whether to move forward in our own lives and our own recovery. I'm learning that. I'm trying to act on it. Some days I take no steps at all, some days it's baby steps, and some days I take a leap.
You sound like you have a very good head on your shoulders. You're asking yourself some hard questions and looking deep within. These are good steps! Keep at it! Keep working on figuring out what it is that you want. With time, you'll figure out the path to get there. Just take it one day at a time, one moment at a time.
You sound like you have a very good head on your shoulders. You're asking yourself some hard questions and looking deep within. These are good steps! Keep at it! Keep working on figuring out what it is that you want. With time, you'll figure out the path to get there. Just take it one day at a time, one moment at a time.
Lord Have Mercy
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 242
I would like to say 80% the person I want vs 20% who I can't stand. Those are not my ratios with AW. Are those truly accurate for you MT? Alcoholism is progressive, most A's dabble in ratios of 50/50 or worse, given time and the disease.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
Change is scary.
But only YOU can define what change is...Is it scary, exciting, adventurous?
Without change - I was stuck in a rut
Now, I look at change - straight in the face - and enjoy the ride! Life is too short!!
But only YOU can define what change is...Is it scary, exciting, adventurous?
Without change - I was stuck in a rut
Now, I look at change - straight in the face - and enjoy the ride! Life is too short!!
Journey To Me
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Kyle, Texas
Posts: 395
Originally Posted by djayr
I would like to say 80% the person I want vs 20% who I can't stand. Those are not my ratios with AW. Are those truly accurate for you MT? Alcoholism is progressive, most A's dabble in ratios of 50/50 or worse, given time and the disease.
This sobriety stint was nine months before he fell. Its been about a month and half of on and off drinking with the latest this weeks four day binge. The time before was seven or eight months sober before he fell off for like two months. His path to finding true sobriety is his to pave, so there is nothing that I can do.
P.S. He's sober tonight. He told me yesterday that he called a long time recovering alcoholic friend of his for help. Apparently, they had a great talk. His path has nothing to do with mine.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Western Australia
Posts: 12
I am new here, and don't have a lot of wise words and wise council to offer. I hope you find your way through the whole movie. 30 is certainly not too late to start over, begin a family with a healthy whole and loving person if that is what you want and is the right thing on your journey. I had my second child at 33, and my first was at 29.....
Wishing you well. You sound like you have come a long long way.
Wishing you well. You sound like you have come a long long way.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
If he wants to be sober and live with a recovery plan, he will find a way to do it. He's just not ready. That 80/20 will progress and those numbers will start to shift dramatically if he does not seek a recovery plan. I just got done watching this happen!!!
My husband's alcoholism has damn near ruined us in the last week It's like he blew our house up and the only thing left is a severly cracked foundation. He's been on a vodka binge for nearly 2 weeks. I've had Satan in my house for 10 days. I am going to be a GrandMother for the first time in a couple weeks and I can not bring my granddaughter to my house in the chaos that he has brought upon us. I have 2 dogs that are an emotional wreck because of him! I had to go in and sneak my Rottweiler out of the house because he refused to give her to me when I left the other day for a much needed break. I took them to my brother's house and she blew her poor guts out all over his cream colored carpet! My boxer is on the verge of a nervous breakdown because of him and my stomach is on fire! I am almost done with this crap if he does NOT make a God damned effort to save this marriage!! I deserve better and so do my dogs!!! If he can't take care of himself, how can he take care of me?! Ask yourself that very question!
My husband is at home sweating through his 2 week bender begging me not to leave! He's hollow inside. He needs treatment and for a long time he has refused. Maybe this time he will work a program like he did when he was sober for 20 years before. I don't know... but if your man isn't ready, you are in for one hell of a ride through hell if you decide to stay.
My husband's alcoholism has damn near ruined us in the last week It's like he blew our house up and the only thing left is a severly cracked foundation. He's been on a vodka binge for nearly 2 weeks. I've had Satan in my house for 10 days. I am going to be a GrandMother for the first time in a couple weeks and I can not bring my granddaughter to my house in the chaos that he has brought upon us. I have 2 dogs that are an emotional wreck because of him! I had to go in and sneak my Rottweiler out of the house because he refused to give her to me when I left the other day for a much needed break. I took them to my brother's house and she blew her poor guts out all over his cream colored carpet! My boxer is on the verge of a nervous breakdown because of him and my stomach is on fire! I am almost done with this crap if he does NOT make a God damned effort to save this marriage!! I deserve better and so do my dogs!!! If he can't take care of himself, how can he take care of me?! Ask yourself that very question!
My husband is at home sweating through his 2 week bender begging me not to leave! He's hollow inside. He needs treatment and for a long time he has refused. Maybe this time he will work a program like he did when he was sober for 20 years before. I don't know... but if your man isn't ready, you are in for one hell of a ride through hell if you decide to stay.
Journey To Me
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Kyle, Texas
Posts: 395
Originally Posted by BoxinRotz
If he wants to be sober and live with a recovery plan, he will find a way to do it. He's just not ready. That 80/20 will progress and those numbers will start to shift dramatically if he does not seek a recovery plan. I just got done watching this happen!!!
My husband's alcoholism has damn near ruined us in the last week It's like he blew our house up and the only thing left is a severly cracked foundation. He's been on a vodka binge for nearly 2 weeks. I've had Satan in my house for 10 days. I am going to be a GrandMother for the first time in a couple weeks and I can not bring my granddaughter to my house in the chaos that he has brought upon us. I have 2 dogs that are an emotional wreck because of him! I had to go in and sneak my Rottweiler out of the house because he refused to give her to me when I left the other day for a much needed break. I took them to my brother's house and she blew her poor guts out all over his cream colored carpet! My boxer is on the verge of a nervous breakdown because of him and my stomach is on fire! I am almost done with this crap if he does NOT make a God damned effort to save this marriage!! I deserve better and so do my dogs!!! If he can't take care of himself, how can he take care of me?! Ask yourself that very question!
My husband is at home sweating through his 2 week bender begging me not to leave! He's hollow inside. He needs treatment and for a long time he has refused. Maybe this time he will work a program like he did when he was sober for 20 years before. I don't know... but if your man isn't ready, you are in for one hell of a ride through hell if you decide to stay.
My husband's alcoholism has damn near ruined us in the last week It's like he blew our house up and the only thing left is a severly cracked foundation. He's been on a vodka binge for nearly 2 weeks. I've had Satan in my house for 10 days. I am going to be a GrandMother for the first time in a couple weeks and I can not bring my granddaughter to my house in the chaos that he has brought upon us. I have 2 dogs that are an emotional wreck because of him! I had to go in and sneak my Rottweiler out of the house because he refused to give her to me when I left the other day for a much needed break. I took them to my brother's house and she blew her poor guts out all over his cream colored carpet! My boxer is on the verge of a nervous breakdown because of him and my stomach is on fire! I am almost done with this crap if he does NOT make a God damned effort to save this marriage!! I deserve better and so do my dogs!!! If he can't take care of himself, how can he take care of me?! Ask yourself that very question!
My husband is at home sweating through his 2 week bender begging me not to leave! He's hollow inside. He needs treatment and for a long time he has refused. Maybe this time he will work a program like he did when he was sober for 20 years before. I don't know... but if your man isn't ready, you are in for one hell of a ride through hell if you decide to stay.
You are right, and your story is a huge WOW in the line of there is no guarantee in an Alcoholic's sobriety. Just because my AH is 80/20 now doesn't mean he won't return to that nasty volatile man that he once was where I would have considered him to be closer to a 99% tornado. It can most definitely get worse from where it is now, and especially if he is not working a program. The other shoe can fall a month from now, a year, or like in your husband's case, twenty years. Wow!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
I had to call the cops on him 3 days ago because he would not leave me alone. I couldn't take the dogs but I went back for them at 8 am because I just knew he would be passed out! I found my boxer locked out of the house and my Rottweiler in a trashed house! When I walked in, he had the table flipped, in the door way, plants and dirt everywhere and all my spices smashed off the wall. He did this after I was told to leave! He's lucky it wasn't cold outside because if he'd of killed my dog from hypothermia, I'd press charges on him for animal cruelity! He knows she is heat/cold sensitive due to her breed and very short coat!!! The puppies are safe right now. I intentionally left them at my brother's house to play with his 2 Rottweilers. (Bro said it was nuts down there with 3 Rottweilers and a boxer! 
)
He just remembered the cops being there last evening before I went to work. One thing is for sure with this disease... You never know when it will rear it's ugly head and when it does... whoooooooo weeeeeeeeeee is it bad!
)He just remembered the cops being there last evening before I went to work. One thing is for sure with this disease... You never know when it will rear it's ugly head and when it does... whoooooooo weeeeeeeeeee is it bad!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
And if it makes you feel any better... my house is TRASHED! It looks like a bomb went off! I have not had time to clean it because of him! He has done NOTHING but drink and harrass me! As far as I know, it will be like that til Wednesday when I get time off to clean it. I don't think he's going to do it because he is so sick right now detoxing on the couch. He's had his face in a bucket for over 24 hours now. Stupid fool.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
MTSLide,
Incidentally, I live just up the interstate from you. Hi.
I wish that I had been as brave as you are at 30 to lay it all out like that and take that hard look. By the time I *knew* and could tell myself or anyone else the truth, I had 3 children, whom I have hurt by giving them an A as their dad.
I'm 43 now, and I wish I had been as brave as you are at 30. I had my first child at 31, and from then til 39 was a really hard ride interspersed with moments of normality. Until he wouldn't let me deny the crazy and abuse any longer.
Incidentally, I live just up the interstate from you. Hi.
I wish that I had been as brave as you are at 30 to lay it all out like that and take that hard look. By the time I *knew* and could tell myself or anyone else the truth, I had 3 children, whom I have hurt by giving them an A as their dad.
I'm 43 now, and I wish I had been as brave as you are at 30. I had my first child at 31, and from then til 39 was a really hard ride interspersed with moments of normality. Until he wouldn't let me deny the crazy and abuse any longer.
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