rocker

I took your advice!
I told my AH I was going to the gym and went to an Alanon meeting instead. boy... was that interesting!

I thought everyone would talk about their 'qualifiers'... but they didn't at all. It makes more sense now. I've been so focused on him and his problem that I don't take care of myself. I pretend to look after myself by 'appearing busy' sometimes... but it's to cover up how hurt and scared I am.

Wow.
Very eye opening.

Typically for me... I was the 'crier'. As soon as I'm away from my AH and can be who I am... the cool, tough, awesomely charismatic super chick fades away and you're left with... 'that girl who can't stop crying'. Ha! But I don't care. It was helpful and I'll go to another one.



So thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
There is the slightest tiniest glimmer of hope. That it doesn't have to be this way forever. Just for today... I am going to find little ways to take care of myself. Just for today.

Thank you again.

deeker

Hope is a beautiful thing!Good for you! You will learn how to detach and live your life despite your AH. Without it determining your joy from day to day.

LexieCat

No worries about the tears. Newcomers cry ALL the time. Even the "old-timers" feel safe enough to shed a tear or two when they need to. As you start feeling better, and stronger, you will start to smile and laugh more. Life lightens up a lot when you quit carrying the world on your shoulders.

So glad you had a great meeting!

rocker

Thank you Lexie and Deeker.

My AH just came in the house with a 12 pack of beer.
It's 1:15 in the afternoon and he's cracked open the first one.

I need to work from home. And it's an open plan house with no walls except for the bedroom which has no internet.

What do you suggest for not letting his choice affect me? As I'm feeling rage, disappointment, fear, anxiety and a myriad of other negative feelings.

MTSlideAddict

Is there anywhere else you can work? For instance, a local coffee shop or weekend library, or perhaps a friend can lend a private room to you for a few hours.

I know it is tough to be in the same house with someone choosing to intoxicate themselves. I do distant learning classes via internet and I have most definitely utilized the convenience of flash drives. I would be insane if I had to sit in the same room with my AH stumbling around.

dandylion

Dear rocker, for me, I think the best thing is to find another space--somewhere;anywhere.

Note***I don't think the idea is to deny what you are feeling. Just acknowledge, honestly, what you are feeling---but, don't let your feelings control your actions (as in destructive or self-destructive actions).

sincerely, dandylion

deeker

It's Saturday, call up your internet provider, tell them you want another line put in the bedroom. Pray.

Here's a wonderful chapter in the AA Big Book Called To The Wives. Here is the link http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_bigbook_chapt8.pdf



Say to yourself this person is stealing my peace and he's not gonna steal another thing. I am not gonna allow it.

Realize that your anger and rage is only hurting yourself. You are giving him power to destroy. Realize he is a sick person. He has an illness.

Go for a brisk walk before you begin working. Can you do that? Work the tension out a bit. Realize that you have absolutely no control over him. Slip out to another Ala anon meeting. If no meeting tonight google CODA.

rocker

Your suggestions are wonderful.
Thank you.

I think just being understood is amazing in and of itself.

Well, he's made us a gorgeous lunch (of course) so I'll stick around for that. But I'm being very quiet on my laptop and he'll definitely know that I'm not 'connecting' with him. He's already pouted today and accused me of not answering his calls. (he called while I was in the alanon meeting.)

And... there I go focusing on HIM yet again.
Wow.

Okay. Yes, there are a couple of things I can go do. By myself. For myself today. I've done most of my work for the day.

However, I do have to help him on his computer with a big project. No way around that.

Thank you for the new thinking to replace the old stuff. This person is stealing my peace and he's not gonna steal another thing. I'm not gonna allow it.

Love that.

Learning.
Just for today. Just for today.

Dublin

Well done on getting to a meeting rocker hope you find great support there. I am newish to all this but have been going to meetings on and off for a year and sometimes I'm the crier but sometimes not! I shared this week at a meeting how I went first to find out how to fix my A and there was a shared laugh of recognition from everyone there but now I go for me. It doesn't work all the time - you may have seen my epic fail thread of last night. But I do see progress I'm starting to work on me. I began by not telling my A where I was going and then in one of our many arguments I told him I had been to alanon meetings for weeks he was really stunned by that but he began AA shortly after. He's had two relapse periods since then but is now close to his 90 meetings in 90 days on attempt number 3 and has a sponsor and has told family and friends he has a problem. Good progress.

I know we go to work on ourselves and boy do I need to work on myself but sometimes by letting go of them and picking back up ourselves it spurs them to pick up for themselves.

Could you skip work today, play rookie and do something nice for yourself like a facial or a walk?

Best of luck.

SolTraveler

Get wireless internet and work on the patio or outside.

I am encouraged by your great meeting! I am about to start going on Monday, so your news gives me a lot of hope!