SolTraveler

I have a feeling that if my ABF messes up one more time that I am done. I am angry with him for so many reasons. So. Many. Reasons. His selfishness - the fact that he simply does not see the pain he has created. He neediness - expecting me to get him a glass of water when he is hung over (I do not, by the way. He is a grown man and can get his own water - he brought it on himself.)

But you know what makes me the most angry? The fact that he goes to the bar, keeps his friends separate, and expects to live like he is single. Even when I was drinking, I was never, ever invited to go to the bar with him. Never. And he can never quite explain why.

I know he isn't hitting on other women, because I know a great deal of the people he works with and hangs out with through mutual acquaintances. If he cheated on me, I would know about it in short order. (I almost wish he WOULD cheat on me... It would end it for me in no uncertain terms.)

It took me forever to figure out why he never wanted to introduce me to his friends. Why the bar was the center of his social life. Why he never wanted to include me.

I have come to several conclusions:

1. I cramp his style. He is a bartender (yep - worst job to have for an A) and I am a college professor. He is very smart - an actual genius, and he wishes he hadn't messed up college. Having me there highlights his failure.

2. The people at the bar are drunks just like him. When he drinks here, I make him sit outside to drink and smoke. I judge him; they do not.

3. The WORST one. I make him feel old. He is 35 and has a child on the way and is much too old to be partying with 21 and 22 year olds. He knows this, and so he doesn't want me around when he is trying to relive his misspent youth.

With that said, I do not want to go with him - I just cannot feel close to him knowing he is living a double life. It has to be all or nothing. I get half. That half that is sober and crabby. LOL!

I am just furious. I deserve better than this.

MTSlideAddict

I'm sorry you are going through this.

You are absolutely right. You do deserve better, and so do I in my situation. He sounds like he is not ready to grow up mentally. He seems to be in denial of his alcoholism, and is just tiring to disguise it under the label of "partying."

Have you given any thought to your next steps? What in your situation can you change to make your life more peaceful for you?

Hugs.

SolTraveler

You hit the nail on the head, MT. He is not ready to grow up.

My current plan is to wait until I am absolutely sure what my next steps should be. He has promised me that he will cut down almost entirely or quit by the time our daughter is born in August.

I would be shocked if we made it that long, honestly. But, and I know a lot of people will say it is wishful thinking and I should do it now, but I feel the need to ride it out. It is just something I feel I must do for myself - be absolutely SURE that this is it. If it is the right thing to do, I will get there. I generally have a low tolerance for bs and he is wearing on my last nerve right now.

As for what I am doing for me.... I am going to start going to Al-Anon on Monday. I am already taking steps to stop enabling him as much as I can - I don't come get him from the bar, I do not get up and talk to him, I do not even cook him dinner on days he goes out. Nothing.

But I need help. I know that. I need to untangle myself from the trap of co-dependency and figure out what I need to do, and then I need to feel sure within myself that it is right.

MTSlideAddict

The best advice I can give is listen to that gut. If you're saying that you get a feeling to ride it out then that is what you should do. Intuition is a wonderful tool that does not get listened to enough. Your path will unfold just for you. No one else has the exact same shoes, so do the best you can do with what YOU feel is right.

Al-Anon is wonderful. I stopped going. My fault. I need to start that up again too. It helped me stay grounded. It helped me understand my situation. Reading Melody Beattie Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself has helped me wonders as well.

Keep posting here. You are not alone.

Seren

Hello SolTraveler,

I think it's incredibly wise of you to take your time and make a plan that will be the best for you and your baby. Congratulations, by the way!!

Maybe a wait and see attitude, a boundary or two to protect yourself, and a well-thought out plan about what you would do once the baby is born if he can't seem to grow up enough to be an active and responsible parent. You and your child certainly deserve that!

Please take good care!

Tuffgirl

SolTraveler,
Why is adultery above addictions in your reasons for immediately ending a relationship?

Why are they not within the same top reasons for ending a relationship? How is one worse than the other? If you look at his behavior, is he not cheating on you with a substance already?

Just food for thought - take what works and leave the rest...
~T

SolTraveler

Great point, Tuffgirl. I couldn't explain it, honestly. Perhaps because I am a year into recovery myself. Who knows. I am a mystery unto myself sometimes.

We talked a little this morning (in re: my "Update" thread sorry for cross-posting). He apologized for breaking my trust and vowed to try again. (Yes, yes, I know.... not holding my breath.) I told him that I meant everything that I said but that I should have waited until today to have a sensible conversation when he was sober.

So everything is status quo for now. That is not great, but it is better than full on crisis mode.

MTSlideAddict

One day at a time, fellow Texan. It is great the you had a talk with him when he is sober. There is no use talking to someone intoxicated.

No crisis mode is good.