Boundaries
 

Hi everyone.

I'm learning more about boundaries and setting and sticking to mine. I'd really like to know about your experiences with setting boundaries. Have you set any with your A and how have you stuck to them? I've love to hear as many examples as possible, I think it would be very empowering to hear about other people's successes and failures with boundaries and help me better define what mine are and how to hold them up. So, what are your boundaries? What helps you keep them? Any tricks?

Re: Boundaries
 

This is really weird!!! I am going through this exact thing right now with my ah and my boundaries that I have made and have to keep, no matter what.
In the past, I've made really screwy boundaries- ones that I either made in the heat of the moment and were completely not what I actually wanted to do once I calmed down, or else they were way to unrealistic (meaning that I knew that I would never actually be consistent with them). Now, I make my boundaries after putting in some long hard thinking and praying, so that I know its for the right reasons- to help or control only me, not him or anyone else.
A few months back, I made one regarding my h and him being allowed in the house while he was drunk. Being that he has been on the wagon 90% of the time (didn't drink for almost 3 months this time, then went out last Sat. and then tonight), it has been easy. My doors are locked if he's been gone for more than a couple hours and I know he is definitely not at work. He has to convince me that he is not drinking.
I have had to enforce it many times, and I will keep doing it. My intentions are good this time with making this boundary. They don't include controlling him in any way, unlike my old motives when it came to how I dealt with him drinking. I made it to keep myself safe, as he flips out when drinking and I have no trust in the drunk h. It isn't easy, and I know tonight he was obviously hurt that he wasn't allowed in the house. That is what I've learned though about boundaries- not everyone around me is going to understand or respect them, but I am tired of not thinking about what I need.
((Sorry this was so long- guess I had some venting to do!))
-SFG29

Re: Boundaries
 

My H is not physically or verbally abusive so my need for boundaries with him is probably not like a lot of others. My boundaries are things that I agreed to with myself for me. I'm the only one that has to respect them. Sometimes I find myself disrepecting my own boundaries but I learn from that each time. Here are some of mine:
- I won't have sex with him when he is drinking
- I won't discuss his drinking with him especially when he's drunk
- I won't roll my eyes, sigh giant sighs, stomp around the house in reponse to anything he does or says
- I will concentrate on my peace and won't spend time worrying about what he is doing, what might happen, etc.
- I won't ask him to come home, call me, not drink, etc.
- When I discuss things with him or think about the problems, I do it from my perspective (lots of "I" statements - what I want, think, need.)
- I will not allow what someone else does or says to control me - I'm in charge of my life.
Hope that helps. This is going to be an interesting thread.
L

Re: Boundaries
 

My A's are my son and my husband and in alot of ways my boundaries are the same. I do not participate in any drama. I expect nothing and they can do whatever they want. But I retain the right to choose what I will participate in and what I will not. I try not to comment on what they should and should not do but when it comes to safety, my serenity or financial stability I will speak up in a heartbeat.

I am seeing a theme here...boundaries are about us!

Hugs,
JT

Re: Boundaries
 

:rippedhan :camper: some of mine,

1. none of my siblings know where I live
2.I will not give money to anyone that I know is activly using
3.separate bedrooms&no sex
4.will not "take care" of anyone elses business(phone calls,shopping,bills,)
These my seen harsh to some of you but, I have been ripped off so many times that I had to take drastic steps to keep myself and my stuff safe.
Having 5 active A's in my life has been very interesting. I was better off when I lived 3 states away. But, I am in the same city now so this is what I do now.

Re: Boundaries
 

Splendra-
I don;t think they're harsh at all. Merely reasonable.

Ab ig boundary with my A-- when he broke his ankle, I told him that if he continued his partying, I owuld do nothing for him. He continued (and it actually got worse) and I have not done anything for him. No food cooked(he is not welcome at dinner) no carrying luandry for him, not even holding a door open. In fact, I have barely spoken to him in 2 mos.. I have said, multiple times, what I do and do not like, and I am ignored.Why bother?

Re: Boundaries
 

Wow. You guys are fantastic. This thread is really going to help me stick to my guns. Have you noticed that writing the boundaries out can be kind of tough? Or is that just me?

The number one boundary I've set so far is this:

1. I will not live with an active alcoholic, meaning that if he drinks, we will make arrangements to live separately. I don't want to be involved in how he stays sober or what he does to get there, but he must be sober for our marriage to continue.

phew. That was hard to write down.

Re: Boundaries
 

Whiplash,

That is the boundary that I find the hardest...it is like "you drink, I leave" To me that sounds like an ultimatum that I am not willing to back up. Now I am not you...I know that.

The thing about boundaries is they are to make my life better...not to force me, through someones else's behavior, to do something I am not ready for.

My boundaries are about me... plain and simple. I will not be drawn into another person's garbage. I want honesty within reason, stability and peace. For me, that can be accomplished even while he is drinking.

Just for today, at least, I choose to focus on the good.

Hugs,
JT

Re: Boundaries
 

My boundaries today for me;

I will under NO circumstance give up my Al-Anon program.

I will not give my reality away because I don't have the "guts" to stand up for them.

I will do my best to judge no one in my life especially the alcoholics.

I will ask no one in my life to live their life according to my values, morals, or my program.

I will accept no "violence" or "abuse" in my home. To anything including the dog. I learned teasing can be abusive.

Re: Boundaries
 

for me, my boundaries pertain to the safety of my kids:
1. I won't make any plans that involve any dependence on him to help (driving to/from sports, b-day parties, practices, etc.
2. I will plan things based on my desire/schedule of wanting to do them, and if he's "available" he can join us
3. I will do a monthly "check" and decide if this relationship has stopped being beneficial to mine or the kids' welfare, if he has become more absent than present
4. I wont participate with any drunken conversation, force myself to sleep in a smelly bedroom, have sex with him when he's been drinking(wow, that limits us QUITE a bit!)
5. I won't criticize him to friends and family nor answer "how he's doing" or even for that matter "how we're doing". I will respond with how I"M doing.
6. I will have complete honesty with my kids about this hideous disease and the wonderful person it's stolen..... for now.
7. I will continue to come here daily, and to a meeting weekly to try to recover me to the degree I feel like I am who I choose to be and was created to be.

whew, you're right, this is important stuff to verbalize and remind myself where I am and how I got here. Thanks for the cool thread!
Pam

Re: Boundaries
 

I have a practical question for those of you who have the boundary that the A can't sleep in your bedroom when they're drunk. How do you kick them out?! I mean, practically speaking. I think my AH would just be a sot and pass out. I can't see him going quietly.

JT -- It may be an ultimatum for some people, but for me, it's just what I can live with. I have been physically ill too many times to put myself through it again. I had to set a boundary that was true to me, because he's so bent on bending my boundaries. That's what I really mean (I can't live with an active A), so I'm just being dead honest about it, with myself and with him.

Re: Boundaries
 

practically..... well, I don't sleep in my bedroom, I sleep in my "bed" I make when necessary. But I have the luxury of having my A have a job that he sleeps there every third night, so my room is my own on those nights. Perfect? not at all.... does it work? For me, for now.
Pam

Re: Boundaries
 

I had a talk about it with him oneday when he was sober and said that until he gets clean he has to sleep in the other room, end of discussion...

Re: Boundaries
 

Whiplash...I can't get Ward to move so I do. He snores terribly and not just when he drinks. I get angry about it sometimes but in the end it is easier. In fact I have taken to calling our guest room the servants quarters! I made him put a ceiling fan in there so this servant can be more comfortable...in other words he knows EXACTLY how I feel!

Re: Boundaries
 

ha! The servants quarters. I love it. I wondered about the sleeping in different rooms -- I know that I'd have to be the one to move because if my A were drunk, he'd just pass out and be out for 12 hours. ;)

I'm trying to the boundary of NOT asking him about drinking -- if he's drinking, what his recovery plans are, etc. I've been very good about it for the past week and I intend to stick to it.