Caught in The Loop Once Again

Old 04-11-2013, 08:14 PM
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Caught in The Loop Once Again

You guys have said it all to me before. You guys have all shared your stories and I had read them all with deep sympathy and understanding. I left my AH with the support of you guys last May. I was so strong as explained to him that this was it. I firmly said that I am getting an apartment on my own. I spoke to a lawyer and paid him for his visits.

My mistake, however, is answering AH's calls. He sobered up. He called. I ignored a few times, but I caved. I answered those calls. My heart melted when he told me that was it. He was done. He started therapy and AA. He was happy, I was happy, but he wanted me by his side. We went to marriage counseling, and actually have been going since. I explained how I felt. He stated that I will not ever have to worry about this again. He was seriously done he said. He signed an agreement stating that if he drank again he understands that I am gone. I moved back home.

Times got stressful, and he checked out. He picked it up again the beginning of February. He told me a week later and started AA. He went every day. That lasted about two weeks. He did not like AA. I began to see signs again the ending of March. I understand everyone falls off. Last night was bad. Tonight is even worse. The difference now is we had taken in our niece for temporary guardianship. She needed a stable home to finish out her school. Her father is AH’s brother and is chemically dependent on anything he can get. Meth is his choice at the moment. Our niece is 17, and highly intelligent in drug/alcohol abuse. I’m glad I have that signed agreement, because now I have to leave- for myself. I cannot ride this ride again. That agreement was breeched by him, but I still can hold it whole. It tears me to pieces, but I can’t keep this up.

Question now is what about the niece? She goes to school blocks from the house, and is very behind her grade level.
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Old 04-12-2013, 06:31 AM
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first and foremost, I think you need to honor your own agreement...and that means leaving, right? so you and the niece move out and you re-create a safe sane sober environment for her. then it might be a good idea to consider a tutor or tutoring service to help her get caught up???
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Old 04-12-2013, 08:21 AM
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It's easier to apologize than ask for permission. I'd move out with the niece. Chances are the addicts won't have the means or the wherewithal to get nasty about her leaving with you in an official capacity. And if she is 17, that means she can live where she wants in less than a year, and hopefully she will choose to continue living a stable life with you.
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Old 04-12-2013, 10:06 AM
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If I were you I would honor my agreement and leave and I would take the niece with me. Like Anvil said, once we were settle in new 'digs', I would get her a tutor, I would give her all the attention I could, I would sit near by when she did her homework and stress that i will answer any question she has, to the best of my ability, both about her homework and about her life.

She is old enough to go to Alanon or check with her school counselor to see if there are any Alateen meetings that might meet at her school, otherwise I would research Alateen in the area and introduce her to Alateen where she will find peers that also have a father, sibling, mother, grand parent(s) that are also practicing their addiction.

Please know that we are walking with you in spirit and we are here for you.

Love and hugs,
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Old 04-12-2013, 05:08 PM
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Todays Continuation....

Thanks guys for the responses. It always helps to know that you have someone out there with you.

Our niece is staying at a friend’s house tonight and they stopped by the house to grab some clothes. I’m at work. AH was completely out of it again she said. It just breaks my heart to hear her disappointment. This is her favorite uncle. The only one on their side that graduated high school. Her inspiration to work harder in classes. The one that always appeared to have everything together and a very positive outlook on life. Now she sees him rough looking and very negative. He sleeps all day. When he does wake up temporarily he is not himself. I am used to seeing this from him, so I am numb to it. She and I had a talk about it last night; it is so hard to hear that it brings back bad memories for her from when her father came home drunk and used to yell at her mom. My niece asked me during our talk how I was feeling. I told her, that I was doing the best that I can and that my goal is to stay grounded. I told her all we can do is take care of ourselves. Her career goal is to become an addiction counselor. I’m sure she has plenty of experience with how the addiction affects the loved ones.

I wish I had money now to move. We – I - have NO money. I mean negative money to move. I make like no money, and there is nothing in the account right now. I’m going to get out one way or another. I personally do not want to be super close to AH. Our niece is enrolled in school blocks away from the house. She is enrolled in a credit recovery program to help her gain some of the missing credits to get her closer to her correct grade. She does do tutoring, and has a therapist close by in addition to regular visits with the school's counselor. She has only been with us since late January, and is just now getting a friend base at school. The paperwork we signed with her parents for temporary guardianship were not drawn up through a court system of any kind, but rather a printed document from LegalDocuments.com and notarized as this was all a mutual decision.

Would it be advisable for me to suck it up and find a place close by so she will not have to change schools and just hope I don’t run into him in this smallish town? Do you guys think I legally would have the right to take her from her blood relative? Should I just let her stay there if she wishes, but keep my door open to her anytime she wants?
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