Whether to Stay or Go
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 267
Whether to Stay or Go
Hello, everyone. My name is Alex and I am not only in recovery (I will have a year next month) but I also have a boyfriend who is an alcoholic of the binging variety.
My recovery is going well. I quit drinking because I noticed that I was starting to get aggressive/angry when I drank. I also was a binger, which made it easier for me to hide the problem from myself and others.
Strangely, I am not tempted to drink around my ABF. His behavior disgusts me and fills me with sadness. It is a constant reminder of how ridiculous I have been. I am taking it one day at a time, but as far as right now, I feel as confident as one can that I am done drinking for good.
Anyway, my current problem, or the one that occupies far too much of my time and energy, is my ABF. He and I have been together on and off since we were kids - 20 years of history together. We broke up before we went to college because of his drug use and then spend a number of years out of contact off and on. He has been clean from *most* of his drugs for 7 years now - the hard stuff. However, he still smokes pot and drinks. None of this is ok with me - I know that as an addict he needs to get squeaky clean, not just clean from coke and heroin.
Anyway. His pattern of behavior is this. He works as a bartender which allows him to stay out late and go to a neighboring bar after work. He goes twice a week. This is our agreement. The rest of the time he is at home (we live together) and mostly sober. For the past year, he has managed to go out just twice a week. However, when he goes to the bar, he spends 5 hours plus there and spends A LOT of money. He comes home at 2, completely wasted, forgets to lock the door, leaves the oven on, you name it. He is a total pain when he drinks.
For awhile, I wasn't exactly ok with this, but I let it go because he is sober when he is home and is otherwise an attentive BF and good to my kids, who adore him. He makes a lot of money (relatively) for his job and always pays his share of the bills/gives me money when I ask for it. It was/is a balancing act.
However, I now am beginning to feel differently about this situation. I am 5 months pregnant - it is his first child. I believe that he needs to grow up... now. He claims to feel the same way. However, knowing that he will have to cut waaayyy down or quit has made him want to drink even more.
Two nights ago, something happened when he was at the bar. I don't know what it was, and honestly, I am pretty sure that I would be better off not knowing. It might be crossing the line with another woman, who knows. (I don't think he physically cheated on me though because like so many A men, he... can't... when he is drinking.)
Anyway, he is really down and it really seems to have shocked him. Shocked him enough that he is trying to cut down now.
While I am glad to see this - it is the first time he has ever admitted to me, in the 20 years I have known him, that he has a drinking problem. Before, he seemed to think that as long as he was off the coke and other hard drugs, there was no issue. So, I guess that is progress.
However, I am not holding my breath. Not at all. As a recovering A myself, I am not naive. He has not promised to quit and I know if he cuts down it will not work, it never does.
He wants to get married and have a life together. But I have drawn a boundary. I have not made him promise to quit - such promises are meaningless anyway - but I told him that if he doesn't cut the bar trips and drinking/pot smoking down to almost nothing once the baby is born, we are done. I also said that I would never marry him unless he manages to either cut it out almost completely or quits entirely - and stays quit - for quite some time. I did tell him that I do not believe that he is capable of that unless he goes into recovery and quits completely.
So that is where I am at. I do feel that I should give him a chance because of our baby (although part of me wants to run and not put him on the birth certificate). I am not very optimistic, as you can see.
The prospect of being alone as a single mother of 4 kids (ages 12, 7, 3, and a new baby) while working full time and having no family within 1,500 miles sucks, quite frankly. But I know I can do it if I have to. I won't have a choice.
So anyway, I am sure I will be here quite a bit, whether I do end up leaving him or no.
Thanks for listening, and I look forward to getting to know you all.
My recovery is going well. I quit drinking because I noticed that I was starting to get aggressive/angry when I drank. I also was a binger, which made it easier for me to hide the problem from myself and others.
Strangely, I am not tempted to drink around my ABF. His behavior disgusts me and fills me with sadness. It is a constant reminder of how ridiculous I have been. I am taking it one day at a time, but as far as right now, I feel as confident as one can that I am done drinking for good.
Anyway, my current problem, or the one that occupies far too much of my time and energy, is my ABF. He and I have been together on and off since we were kids - 20 years of history together. We broke up before we went to college because of his drug use and then spend a number of years out of contact off and on. He has been clean from *most* of his drugs for 7 years now - the hard stuff. However, he still smokes pot and drinks. None of this is ok with me - I know that as an addict he needs to get squeaky clean, not just clean from coke and heroin.
Anyway. His pattern of behavior is this. He works as a bartender which allows him to stay out late and go to a neighboring bar after work. He goes twice a week. This is our agreement. The rest of the time he is at home (we live together) and mostly sober. For the past year, he has managed to go out just twice a week. However, when he goes to the bar, he spends 5 hours plus there and spends A LOT of money. He comes home at 2, completely wasted, forgets to lock the door, leaves the oven on, you name it. He is a total pain when he drinks.
For awhile, I wasn't exactly ok with this, but I let it go because he is sober when he is home and is otherwise an attentive BF and good to my kids, who adore him. He makes a lot of money (relatively) for his job and always pays his share of the bills/gives me money when I ask for it. It was/is a balancing act.
However, I now am beginning to feel differently about this situation. I am 5 months pregnant - it is his first child. I believe that he needs to grow up... now. He claims to feel the same way. However, knowing that he will have to cut waaayyy down or quit has made him want to drink even more.
Two nights ago, something happened when he was at the bar. I don't know what it was, and honestly, I am pretty sure that I would be better off not knowing. It might be crossing the line with another woman, who knows. (I don't think he physically cheated on me though because like so many A men, he... can't... when he is drinking.)
Anyway, he is really down and it really seems to have shocked him. Shocked him enough that he is trying to cut down now.
While I am glad to see this - it is the first time he has ever admitted to me, in the 20 years I have known him, that he has a drinking problem. Before, he seemed to think that as long as he was off the coke and other hard drugs, there was no issue. So, I guess that is progress.
However, I am not holding my breath. Not at all. As a recovering A myself, I am not naive. He has not promised to quit and I know if he cuts down it will not work, it never does.
He wants to get married and have a life together. But I have drawn a boundary. I have not made him promise to quit - such promises are meaningless anyway - but I told him that if he doesn't cut the bar trips and drinking/pot smoking down to almost nothing once the baby is born, we are done. I also said that I would never marry him unless he manages to either cut it out almost completely or quits entirely - and stays quit - for quite some time. I did tell him that I do not believe that he is capable of that unless he goes into recovery and quits completely.
So that is where I am at. I do feel that I should give him a chance because of our baby (although part of me wants to run and not put him on the birth certificate). I am not very optimistic, as you can see.
The prospect of being alone as a single mother of 4 kids (ages 12, 7, 3, and a new baby) while working full time and having no family within 1,500 miles sucks, quite frankly. But I know I can do it if I have to. I won't have a choice.
So anyway, I am sure I will be here quite a bit, whether I do end up leaving him or no.
Thanks for listening, and I look forward to getting to know you all.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 585
Hi SolTraveler, welcome to SR, but sorry for what brought you here. None of us here can tell you whether to stay or go, that's up to you. I think you know that when an addict is actively using in any capacity, it just gets worse - cutting down isn't really an option. You can't make him stop drinking or smoking pot, but you can set firm boundaries to protect yourself and your children.
It's tough question time. Do you want your kids to be around someone who's smoking pot? Are you okay with him going out and partying while you're at home tending to the children?
If his drinking is a problem, and if he's serious about doing something about it, he's going to have to find a new line of work - maybe it's just me, but putting an addict behind a bar just sounds insane. He may make good money as a bartender, but if he's drinking it away and partying and staying out late, that doesn't sound like a good situation for either of you. With a baby on the way, he has some serious decisions to make, as do you. He can either buckle down and work on sobriety and recovery, or not. And you can decide to put up with it, or not. The decision is yours, but I urge you to think of the welfare of your children - you have a choice in the matter, they do not.
Sending you strength, hope, and hugs.
It's tough question time. Do you want your kids to be around someone who's smoking pot? Are you okay with him going out and partying while you're at home tending to the children?
If his drinking is a problem, and if he's serious about doing something about it, he's going to have to find a new line of work - maybe it's just me, but putting an addict behind a bar just sounds insane. He may make good money as a bartender, but if he's drinking it away and partying and staying out late, that doesn't sound like a good situation for either of you. With a baby on the way, he has some serious decisions to make, as do you. He can either buckle down and work on sobriety and recovery, or not. And you can decide to put up with it, or not. The decision is yours, but I urge you to think of the welfare of your children - you have a choice in the matter, they do not.
Sending you strength, hope, and hugs.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Hi SolTraveler and welcome to the forum Sorry for the reasons you are here.
As a recovering alcoholic yourself you already know that there is no "cutting down" so that idea is a permissive failure for both him and you. Your boundaries aren't boundaries, they are subliminal threats without REALLY saying what you mean. I believe what you mean is that you won't live with an alcoholic - he is one - therefore drinking in any capacity is not acceptable.
You have a lot on you plate with the kids and the baby on the way AND working fulltime - I get what you are looking at by choosing not to live with an active alcoholic anymore. Bravo for your statement that you can do it if you have to. Children raised in homes of active alcoholism suffer terribly.
This is a really good place to be with a lot of support. Please post frequently.
As a recovering alcoholic yourself you already know that there is no "cutting down" so that idea is a permissive failure for both him and you. Your boundaries aren't boundaries, they are subliminal threats without REALLY saying what you mean. I believe what you mean is that you won't live with an alcoholic - he is one - therefore drinking in any capacity is not acceptable.
You have a lot on you plate with the kids and the baby on the way AND working fulltime - I get what you are looking at by choosing not to live with an active alcoholic anymore. Bravo for your statement that you can do it if you have to. Children raised in homes of active alcoholism suffer terribly.
This is a really good place to be with a lot of support. Please post frequently.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 267
I agree, Cecelia. Working in restaurants has definitely fueled his addiction. He works with mostly college-age kids who party all the time and he gets caught up in it. My therapist told me that he probably never grew up completely because he never faced life on life's terms. Now he is trying and struggling. It is sad to watch.
He knows he has to get it under control or lose us. That is a plain fact. It is no empty threat. Trust me - I am not afraid to leave a relationship. I have been married twice before and left - one was addicted to painkillers.
I do not love the idea of him going to bars twice a week while I am home with kids, but before I knew it was such an issue it was ok because I go out with friends as well (not to bars though - that was never my scene). In addition, my three kids are mine, not his. But this baby is his, so he must share the responsibility. And that means not coming home wasted or wasting half a day afterward with a hangover.
As far as letting him "try" to cut down... yeah, it won't work. I know that. But he has to have enough rope to hang himself with, in my opinion. Having been there myself, I know that he has to decide for himself what to do. I told him that if by some miracle it works... fine. But that he and I both know it won't. I also told him that if it gets this out of control again, and it will, it will be decision time. And I mean it.
Something has to change because, although I love him with all my heart, I have enough responsibilities without caring for him as well.
With that said, so far, so good. He is on day four with no alcohol. His friends wanted him to go out last night and he did not. We went to a movie instead.
I do not expect it to last... which is why I am here.
He knows he has to get it under control or lose us. That is a plain fact. It is no empty threat. Trust me - I am not afraid to leave a relationship. I have been married twice before and left - one was addicted to painkillers.
I do not love the idea of him going to bars twice a week while I am home with kids, but before I knew it was such an issue it was ok because I go out with friends as well (not to bars though - that was never my scene). In addition, my three kids are mine, not his. But this baby is his, so he must share the responsibility. And that means not coming home wasted or wasting half a day afterward with a hangover.
As far as letting him "try" to cut down... yeah, it won't work. I know that. But he has to have enough rope to hang himself with, in my opinion. Having been there myself, I know that he has to decide for himself what to do. I told him that if by some miracle it works... fine. But that he and I both know it won't. I also told him that if it gets this out of control again, and it will, it will be decision time. And I mean it.
Something has to change because, although I love him with all my heart, I have enough responsibilities without caring for him as well.
With that said, so far, so good. He is on day four with no alcohol. His friends wanted him to go out last night and he did not. We went to a movie instead.
I do not expect it to last... which is why I am here.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 121
I hate to be a total bummer here, but speaking from experience from living with an active AH who is also of the "binging" variety is that eventually the 2 days a week will become 3, then 4, then 5, and so on. At least that is what I have witnessed over the past 10 or so years of that same exact behavior, bars, 2am and home- wasted beyond belief. He may be able to keep it at 2 for now, but it from what I have seen it escalates. They begin to want that feeling more and more frequently. Only you know whether to stay or go. I am still in my relationship if you want to call it that, but it isn't with out the many sacrifices you make to be able to live with someone who in active in their disease.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Indiana
Posts: 90
Originally Posted by SolTraveler 
He wants to get married and have a life together. But I have drawn a boundary. I have not made him promise to quit - such promises are meaningless anyway - but I told him that if he doesn't cut the bar trips and drinking/pot smoking down to almost nothing once the baby is born, we are done. I also said that I would never marry him unless he manages to either cut it out almost completely or quits entirely - and stays quit - for quite some time. I did tell him that I do not believe that he is capable of that unless he goes into recovery and quits completely.
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