devastated1

Hi. I posted a while ago about my 23 yr. old alcoholic son. We thought he finally hit bottom because he checked himself into rehab. He stayed 30 days and seemed so happy. He got out last Friday and went to a Sober Living home. He relapsed Saturday and was kicked out. He lived on the streets for a night and then called the SL manager. The SL manager said he could go to detox for 3 days and then have 1 more chance. Well, he already left detox once then drank and went back. Now he wants to leave again. He will be out tomorrow even if he doesn't leave tonight. If he is struggling this much, he probably will get kicked out of SL. We live in another state so he would have no place to go. Does he just not want it bad enough? Did he need more time in inpatient? I just feel so disappointed and heartbroken. I feel like he may just end up a drunk living on the streets until he dies. I guess if anyone else has any experience with this, I'd appreciate your advice.

HopefulmomtoD

I wish had some words to say that would make you feel better. I know how much pain you must be in right now. I'm so sorry.

Hammer

You know he can do 30 days.

Just did.

But he maybe needs some pain and suffering to understand WHY he should do more than the 30.

A saying I learned from the AA side of the house (I am Alanon) -- Pain Drives The Train.

Gotta have the pain to keep him moving.

You take care of you. Turn him over to God.

You can only raise the kids so far. Turn over the keys and title to God.

atalose

I’m so sorry for your pain. I don’t want to Rosey color this but I always try and find the positives in life. He chose to go to rehab, he actually stayed the 30 days, he called the SL manager himself to ask to come back……those are positives.
Praying that he finds his way!!!!

((hugs))

CeciliaV

I'm so sorry. This is all too familiar. My AH was back to drinking within a week of his month-long stay at rehab in February. However, he had a comfy place to stay - our home. It was a rough month. He checked himself back into rehab at the end of March. I'm not sure if I'm going to allow him back into our home right after this second rehab stint is over. I haven't yet decided.

I don't know if your son doesn't want it bad enough or if he was like my husband who thought "I got this!" after rehab. With the quick relapses, it's obvious neither one of them had a firm grasp on sobriety and the path for ongoing recovery. Regardless of the why's, like atalose said, there is a bit of a positive - your son did reach out to the SL manager to try to get back. I don't know whether the SL facility will take him back if he cut out of detox, but it's up to him to plead his case IF he wants to. I hope for his sake that he does.

devastated1

If he leaves detox he can't go back to sober living and will be on the streets. I know people say that's what it takes sometimes but it is so hard to think about him drunk on the streets and what could happen to him.

bigsombrero

Alcoholic here. I was taken into treatment by my mom and dad, they were the primary advocates in getting me there. My first thought after getting out of rehab was "See? I can totally do 30 days sober - I completed the task and now I know I can quit if needed next time". Yikes. I was very close to going down that road, I also live out of state from my parents and upon returning to my home city I was in a real vulnerable spot. The only thing that kept me sober was that I had 3 seizures before getting help - and I truly had to look my own death in the face if I picked up that bottle. I am not a young man anymore, I just turned 38 last month.

I am not sure if I could have been strong enough at 23 - the pull of friends and the drinking culture is so heavy at that age. He might not think he's "done" just yet and still sees this as a way to have fun. Friends would have been a very difficult thing to handle at that age - does he still hang out with old buddies? That might need to stop. I think the severity of his problem might be lost on him. I bet he's a smart kid though - at heart, right? He wants to do live and enjoy life. I think another stint in treatment might help. Is that an option? I know these things are expensive so I do not propose this flippantly. My treatment center had all kinds of drug addicts and alcoholics, it was very no-nonsense and hard core. My counselor was a tough son of a gun. In my experience this helped me. Thank you for sharing and I appreciate you letting me give feedback on your forum. I am sorry you are so broken hearted about this, my support and thoughts are with you.

Crazed

I wish I could offer a solution. I know how hard it is. The hoping that he they finally hit bottom, only to be disappointed.... again. I feel so bad for you, as I have been there and know the pain and worrying. All I can offer you is that you are not alone. We understand. But it is still painfull.

Freedom1990

My personal experience as a long-term recovering alcoholic/addict is this. I needed to experience every miserable moment of my life in active addiction in order to get to where I am today.

I went to rehab at age 28. Four years into recovery I relapsed, and I was the single parent of a 12-year-old and a toddler.

I binged for two months before a moment of clarity hit me.

I knew what I needed to do, drag my sorry butt up the steps to my home AA group and start over again. I also needed to use the tools they gave me in rehab in order to live in recovery.

What may seem like the worst possible scenario may in reality be a blessing.

That horrible relapse taught me that I am indeed an alcoholic, God does not want me living that way, and if I continued down that path I would lose everything, including my life.

God willing and the creek don't rise, I will celebrate 23 years of continuous sobriety in August of this year.

I am also the mother of a 35-year-old daughter in active addiction. I finally learned how to let go when I got sick and tired of her addictions affecting my life in every way. Just as God has a plan for me, so he does for her too, and I work hard to stay out of the way.

I sleep well at night knowing I have placed her in God's loving hands.

Sending you gentle hugs of support on the frigid Kansas winds tonight!

Impurrfect

((devastated)) - I'm so sorry for what you are going through

I do have to echo some of the above posters. FWIW, not only am I an RA (recovering addict) but a loved one of people who use.

The only thing that got ME into recovery is the consequences stacking on top of more consequences. Up to that point? I was FINE with doing drugs, living on the streets, etc.

It took a bit of jail time, a relapse where I lost everything I'd worked a year to gain, and the thought that I may go to prison (rather than county jail, where I'd been a few times), and I said "okay, that's enough".

One more thing, i found SR, lurked for about a couple of years, and eventually found my 'home" here, in this forum because I used drugs to numb the pain of not being able to control the A's that I loved.

The best advice I can give you is to work on yourself, and let him deal with him. Yes, he's young, and it's hard. I have a niece younger than him and I've had to practice my own advice. I helped raise her (prior to addiction) and she has addiction in every gene in her body.

However, she has learned that I will not take excuses, I will not tolerate belligerent behavior, and I will allow her to face her own consequences.

Is it hard? Oh yeah, and I can only imagine how you mom's feel.

I will also say that when I was "out there" the one thing I wanted was to be a part of my family again, and I couldn't DO that until I was clean. At some point, that became more important than anything.

Please keep reading and posting, as we do really care.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Mountainmanbob

Seren

Hello devestated1,

My stepson is an alcoholic and poly-substance abuser. He has been in the hospital 3 times, in jail several times, and prison once. He has been tasered by a dealer, had his car window smashed, had his car impounded, totaled the truck he had before the car. He has been homeless on a couple of occasions.

I know how hard it is to just let go and let a child (even an adult child) lead their own life. But that's what it's all about, isn't it? Raise children until they are old enough to be independent, self-sufficient adults who take care of themselves and contribute to society.

It is hard to sit on the sidelines and watch as someone we care about continues to make poor choices in life and to be so self-destructive. Little by little, it has become easier for Mr. HG and I. We know that we are offering him the dignity to live his own life as he so chooses. We don't always agree with his choices, but they are not ours to make. And...although it's not pretty, and he doesn't always "stick the landing", things have been improving for my stepson overall.

Huge hugs and many prayers for your son and for you and your whole family.

NTurn

Devastated..I hate that your going through this & really feel for you , totally understand how frustrating & heart breaking it is for you to be in this situation where all you can do is watch your son hit the self destruct button. ( with me its my twin sister) I know that feeling of having no control & feeling helpless. Who is looking after you? You are not alone in this ....please look after yourself, we are always here

wiscsober

I am sorry to hear this and hope the best for you and your family. I hear life stories like this most everyday. Do know that many alcoholics/addicts like your son have gone through the same experiences and now live sober lives. But many don't or it takes years. The best you can do for him is first take care of yourself. I would suggest Al-Anon if you haven't gone already, or at least give them a call.

I am aware of one of my son's drug use. It concerns me, but there is absolutely nothing I can do to change it or control it. I can not change his grandmother enabling him with money for his transportation or paying his cell phone. I think, don't know, just think if he was cut off his life would actually get better.

No mother or father want to see their child suffer. I go to Al-Anon/AA. What we call a double winner. It took a brother-in-law to tell me never to call my sister (his wife) ever again at home, for me to really take a look at how my actions were negatively affecting them.

Devastated1 there are no easy answers...but to take a look at yourself and actions about him. Try to separate out the illnesses from him the child you love.

Also, on a lighter side, you could start with changing your profile name!!! JK in a way

devastated1

Thank you wiscsober. It is helpful for me to hear an alcoholics viewpoint. He went staright from rehab to sober living home. I think you are right that he thought he did 30 days and was fine. He also had 3 seizures. He had one before he checked himself into rehab and 2 in detox. I think it really scared him. My fear is that he is so anxious to get out of detox to today because he wants to drink again. Thanks for your thoughts and congratulations on your sobriety.

devastated1

I meant bigsombrero above. I know I need to let go and let God take care of him. It's so hard. I feel his pain when he is struggling. I hope he gets out today with a new attitude and sticks with it. If not, I'll have to do my best to let whatever happens happen. You are all right. Maybe being on the streets or tough consequences will be what finally wakes him up. It is great to have support from all those at SR. I feel like no one could possible understand this unless they have been there.

Florence

My AH has been through five rehabs that I know of. He is in rehab now, actually. He does fine for awhile staying sober and going to meetings, and then when it gets too hard, he copes by using. Drinking, and often lots of drugs too. Mostly drinking.

In my mind, the biggest obstacle to his recovery is his immediate family. My AH has yet to face the consequences of his addiction full force because they keep providing him a financial, legal, and emotional cushion to fall on. Last week they admitted that they thought the Al-Anon way is "mean" and that they have no intention to detach from his bad behavior and plan to continue to fund his slow death.

In the beginning, this text was like my Bible:
10 Ways Family Members Can Help a Loved One with a Drug or Alcohol Problem
The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com (10 Ways Family Members Can Help a Loved One with a Drug or Alcohol Problem)

People are different, and addiction affects people in a lot of ways. I've heard many stories where people affirm that having NO MONEY to continue their addiction, to live on, to provide for themselves or others, when they'd finally run out of enablers, and had to go through the pain of withdrawal, was the time when they finally faced the emotional, physical, and real world consequences of their addiction. I guess for some people, even that isn't enough. It's a brutal disease.

dandylion

Dear devastated, I have walked in your shoes. I urge you to let him struggle with his own consequences. So much of what a parent must do (to help) is very contrary to the natural instincts of us parents!!! That is the sticky wicket , here. Out kids know this and play this fact for all it is worth: "I can always go home", "Mom can't bear to see me suffer and live on the street", .....etc..

As others have said--he is 23--the drinking/party culture is strong--He probably isn't close to "getting it" yet. The arrogance of the young can be jaw-dropping. It may take him a few more rounds. By the way--rehab only points them in the direction for recovery---It is NOT RECOVERY. He will find recovery by dilligently working the 12 steps of AA with his sponsor. AND THIS WILL NEVER HAPPEN WITH HIM LIVING IN YOUR HOUSE (just a little warning, in advance).

I feel that it is super-important for you to educate yourself--learn everything you can about enabling--the nature of alcoholism, how it is a family disease, etc....

We parents tend to beat ourselves up and do the wrong things out of great ignorance.

There are m any books suggested (classics) here on the board, for starters.

For myself, I found the articles by Floyd P. Garrett, M.D. the most helpful that I have ever read about how alcoholism affects the brain and behavior of the alcoholic. It was like pulling a curtain of understanding back for me. You can find these articles by doing a google search.

Hang on to the serenity prayer. It has been my innertube.

sincerely, dandylion

Schnook

Hi Devastated, I am in the same situation, however, my son still lives with me at almost 29 yrs old. I, also, could not "let" him be homeless at that age and guess what, nothing has changed. I am now, with the help of this site and some alanon, am taking those difficult steps. I feel for you and know your pain, it definately keeps you up at night with worry and is ALWAYS on your mind. I have found great and consistent advice on this site. Also, a book I recommend, that you'll need lots of kleenex for, is Addict in the Family by Bevery Conyers.

Crazed

I will second that rehab is a nice starting point, but unless they truly want recovery, it will not happen. Over the past many years, my EXAG has been through 3 live-in rehabs, one out-patient, and is now in her 5th. She never seems to have an issue with sobriety when she is in rehab. It is when she gets out. Sooner or later, things go south.

This time I have have had no contact since she has been in. Maybe this time she will take her recovery and her life more seriously.

Hang in there. I have been told that things get easier