outonalimb

As many of you know, my exah has serious mental health issues on top of (or maybe because of?) his addiction. He recently pled guilty to aggravated stalking (of me) and his sentencing date is in a couple of weeks.

This post isn't about him, however. I just offer that as a little bit of background.

My exah and I have a son together. He's 14 years old. Throughout my marriage to exah and ever since my divorce, I have WORRIED so much about the effect his father's addiction, his erratic and sometimes psychotic behavior, his lack of mental and many times physical 'presence' in my son's life, would have on him growing up.

My dad was an alcoholic but he was never as sick as my exah... I grew up feeling emotionally distant from my dad but he was there physically and I knew he loved me and there was a level of stability in my home. My son never had these things. As hard as I tried to help my exah (i.e. ENABLED) so that I could have a family that somewhat resembled the one I grew up in, it never worked and instead I exposed my son to chaos and insanity. Things got so bad they were beyond my comprehension sometimes.

I'll spend the rest of my life trying to make amends for my poor choices. My life will be a living amends as I continue to work my program and strive to become a healthier person so I can, in turn, be a healthier mom to our son.

I started him in al ateen about 2 years ago. This was the single best thing I have done as his mom. We have some of our best...our most open and heart-to-heart talks in the car on the way home from these meetings. (I attend al anon upstairs while he attends al ateen downstairs).

And do you know what my 14 year old son told me last night?

He told me that he understands why I made the decisions that I made where his dad was concerned (mostly about letting him into our house and our lives too many times). He understands and he's not angry about it. And he loves me. And he thinks I'm the most awesome mom ever and that I deserve better than what I've been handed. He said he respects me. He said he knows that I worry about him growing up without a father but he said he wants me to know that he is okay. He actually said that he is almost kind of glad that his dad is sick becasue this way he has made alot of really great friends in al ateen and learned a healthier way of living. He told me how happy he is at school and with life in general. He said he isn't even sure he wants a relationship with his dad even if he does get better. He said he doesn't hate him but he doesn't feel the need for a father because he has plenty of other positive role models in his life.

He opened up so much to me last night and he said so many of the things I've been praying to hear. I am just so overcome with gratitude for what al anon and al ateen has done for our lives. Our life is so peaceful and serene and we are both so healthy compared to how things used to be before we reached out for recovery and help.

My heart just overflows.

And I guess I just want to share this so that those of you out there with kids and an alcoholic spouse, i just want you to know that it IS possible that great things CAN come out of the problems and heartache that surrounds alocholism in a family. WE just have to reach out for help and work a program.

I hope this post lifts someone up today and encourages them to keep working their program. I know I"m going to. I'm going to work it until the day I die because it has worked MIRACLES in my life and the life of my son.

Hugs and happiness...
Mary

Seren

Yay, Mom!!

Thank you for sharing this wonderful moment

LoveMeNow

Great post! Thank you so much for sharing such a special moment. Being a great mom is sometime to be very proud of!!

dandylion

Thank you!.....Thank you, so much!

dandylion

stella27

thank you, thank you, thank you. I have an 11 year old son (and 2 younger children). I am looking for Alateen for him.

wicked

Thank you Mary. You are a wonder and so is your son.
I am grateful for you.

Beth

wanttobehealthy

This is so inspiring to read and gives me hope for my own two girls (7 and 5) who I feel I have done so much damage to for the same reasons you worry about your son.

You're a great mom and your son is lucky to have you and you him!

honeypig

Your son has understanding and insight at the tender age of 14 that I can only wish to have someday myself, being 3 times his age. This is a wonderful, hopeful post, and thanks so much for sharing this!

CentralOhioDad

I needed this today, thank you! I've been overly anxious lately thinking about the environment I'm providing for my son (3 years old) (altho my AW only drinks after he's in bed), but still I worry that I'm doing everything right! Of course, I can't do EVERYthing right, but I pray that it's enough of the right stuff.

You've been through so much more and your son is doing great! Gives me hope!!

Good for you, and him! Thanks again

C-OH Dad

FireSprite

Wow, that was really beautiful & it brought tears to my eyes to read it.

WAY TO GO MOM!!!!!!!! It sounds like you are raising a very gentle, aware young man.

4MyBoys

Thank you, this is my biggest fear in life that my boys won't feel this way about me and their situation. I am glad there is light at the end of the tunnel, you give me hope, and for now that is enough.

4MyBoys

MsPINKAcres

((Mary))

Thank you so much for sharing you & your son's recovery story with us ~

I know it hasn't been an easy road for you - I am so glad you have allowed your HP to guide you and that your son has embraced recovery for himself ~ I know that he saw the way it helped you and that message helped him to know it could give him peace too.

I pray the continued peace, love and understanding of the program with grow in both of you One Day at a Time ~

pink hugs!

MamaKit

It's my unspoken fear that hangs over me like a cloud - the impact my boys will suffer because of this disease and what they've been exposed to.
Thank you Mary, you've given me such a hopeful feeling today.
I'm so proud of you and your son and happy for you both.

YAY!

outonalimb

Thanks everyone for your replies.

I know my son and I will still have our struggles. I know we aren't 'cured'. We'll never really be cured because our lives have been signficantly and profoundly effected by the disease of alcoholism.

I'm just grateful for the tools al anon and al ateen have given us. Now, we at least have a recovery foundation in place so that when things get rocky, we will know how to work our way through it.

I guess I"m just overwhelmed sometimes at the amount of love and support we have found since reaching out. We aren't living in isolation and shame anymore (which is how we used to live in the 'dark days' before we sought help).

SR is a blessing. Isn't it great to walk this path with people who truly care and 'get it'?

Hugs to all..

Mary

songbird73

thank you. i myself have been stuck in my pain. i am horrified by what i have done to my children & the life long effects they will have to pay for my actions. i pray that my children will one day come to me & tell me that they are alright. now they are 12, 7 & 2 1/2. only the youngest is with my exAB but i have been shamed by what he will have to live thru with his father an alcoholic. his fathers father was an alcoholic & his mother committed suicide before he was 1yr old...drinking by 15 & now 30 yrs later continuing his path of destruction & self hate. i am terrified of all this. my sons deserved more. we are working on healing but it is a long & rocky path. thank you for reassuring that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. i pray that we are whole when we get to the light.

Janitw

You go girl !!!!!!!!!!!

LexieCat

I meant to respond to this yesterday--how wonderful for both of you!

And I think your son is very lucky to have such a wise and caring mom.

Big hugs,