Gracey

My h went out lastnight and bought some more non-alcoholic beer......he only had one left and said when he bought that 12 pack that it was going to be it.....he had only stopped drinking for two weeks and he shouldnt be buying non-alcoholic beer it still has some alchohol.....less then 5% he says, but that is enough for me....well lastnight when i got home from work, he went to the store asked me if I minded, I told him i do, he got mad and went anyway. he came back with 18 non-alcoholic beers 12 bush and 6 molson ice....he has been drinking these since Monday........I gave up the fight, I couldnt handle arguing with him no more it was to draining for me, so I just gave in and said to whatever you want.......It felt like my heart was being ripped out......I know what this means........he is going to get the real stuff eventually, he thinks I am stupid.......I really believe that he thinks he will never drink the real stuff again.......but I know better.....If after just two weeks he is drinking Non Alcoholic I am dumed..........it is just a matter of time...He is blaming drinking for the affair he had,he is blaming being crabby on the beer.....

I dont know how much more I can take........I am going crazy.......he never eats with us as a family, he was always drinking and would never want to eat until he is ready to go to bed.......If I would have dinner for him those would be the nights he wouldnt eat and just the times I didnt make anything for dinner he would get so pissed, I work all week and I cant even have something to eat made for me.......... I would spend the whole weekend cleaning and he would pick out that one thing I didnt do and complain about it....and I would say to him what about all the things I did do.......See work full time to and he gets home at 2:45 and I get home at 4:45, alot of times he will come home and go to bed and sleep till 8 or 9 and that is when i would be just winding down....and then he start to drink when he gets up and after a few beers he wants to talk and then he gets all mushy either cries or goes the totally opposite and is very mean...............I have a wife that cant cook, clean the house.......he calls me a fat ass and says he is going to take me out to the curb like a piece of garbage..........and then he says he didnt mean all those things he was just mad.........and then he wont leave me alone till I make him feel better, by giving him a hug and a kiss goodnight.....it is almost like saying to him its okay, go ahead and do the same thing tomorrow......sometimes I just dont want to make him feel better.....I want someone to make me feel better........and he cant do it after just calling me all those names that I really believe that he means......I think that sometimes I am better off dead..........but I have my kids that keep me line.........I try to be the best mom I can and do everything for my kids. I tried to focus on just my kids and the last couple of years did everything I could with them for them, probably to much so to try to make up for this void I feel......I was lonley at times, but I was feeling a little better........but he was getting worse cause I would sleep on the couch......I would make every excuse not to sleep with him........so what does he do on top of being abusive with me mentally and phsically, he has an affair............WHY, he wasnt going to find happiness with someone else..............it would be fun for awhile........but she has no idea like I do.........I sometimes think to myself maybe someone else can make him happier, maybe I am at fault for his misery............I just want to be normallll..............I am at a lost for alot of things right now.....He is very sorry about the affair and will do anything for me to make our marriage work..........I just dont believe him....he was bad and now he has to be good for awhile to make me happy till he can go back to being his old self....

Lorelai

Sweetie -
I know that it feels unbearable. I know the pain you are going through. I also know that there is not one thing you can do to help him see the light. Nothing you say or do will make him do anything he is not ready to do. You are not responsible for his choices - he is.

You say that you "want someone to make you feel better". That someone is YOU.

Sending you hope -
L

journey1

oh my life was just typed out. i lived liked that too. after 10 years i had enough. it is so hard to get out, but it gets easier. i was so scared of kicking him out and i also feared of what my daughter would grow up seeing if i kept him around. she would learn that men can treat women like this. she would grow up with a lot of problems due to alcoholism. You must find recovery for yourself. learn about alcoholism, go to al anon. it will help you a lot then you can make a choice to stay or leave. once you focus on yourself you will believe, yes i do deserve better and i am not getting anything positive living with a man like this. someone else does not make us happy. we all tend to believe that. i am trying to make a life for me and my baby and it has been so nice and peaceful at home. my ah went out and got a new girl and they party all the time, but in a matter of months she will be the victim also. because i was the escape girl from his previous marriage once before. the lust only lasts for a few months then the alcholic is hit again at what is going wrong in his life. i always ask myself "what makes sense for me?" living in this situation? or living in peace with a healthy home and child? my feelings play a big part in my depression right now, because i am mourning a loss of my dream, what i wanted married life to be. when you have and unhealthy spouse it makes our dreams unhealthy. i set myself up for failure because i didn't know better. now that i am learning to understand alcoholism, i have learnt to love him again but in a different compassionate way. my love for him turned into hate over the years because he could not make me happy and i was let down too many times. alcoholics are sick. i could finally see that. he is living a pattern of alcoholism. my ah lies all the time. even now every word is a lie. he is so mixed up he doesn't know what he wants. i thought with him losing everything he would find recovery, but nope he bounced back up and moved on, it's easier than to face the truth, but he will just keep running and running. and it's too bad becuz he is the father of my daughter and she will have to live with an alcoholic dad, with all the broken promises and lies. he doesn't even bother with her all week, 3 hours on sunday is good enough. how sad that is. they just **** on everyone around them. i could give him a million dollars everyday and he would still be miserable and drunk. seek help for yourself, it is worth it. it is painful, but it will get easier. good luck

Daffodil

(((((((((((breec3))))))))))))

It is such a roller coaster ride isn't? Worse than working for a picky boss.
I believe they have to find the only thing left undone to justify their own short comings.
The only answer I have found to statements like that is. "Oh, you're right! I didn't do that!" and then walk away. It's hard sometimes for me to admit that even one thing has been left out of my daily work when it seems I am carrying the whole load of chores to be done. I hated being wrong to begin with. LOL. Today, admitting that I have left something undone defuses the acquisitions. I chose to be happy rather than right. I work very hard at not taking it personally. I even image a bottle of beer saying those things to me. For some reason that helps me keep the focus on me and what I need.

I have found that unless I work a very selfish program my needs will not get met. So I must not rely on someone doing it for me, especially someone who is incapable at this time.

I sincerely hope that helps in some measure. I hear that you are hurting right now. But there is hope.

Love and prayers from one who cares,
Daffodil

kodfishy

You can't control his drinking. Don't bother trying. It will only make you more upset. You can't make that decision for him, no matter how clearly you see what the right decision should be.

You aren't the cause of his drinking, you won't control his drinking, and you won't cure his drinking.

Step one: we admitted we were powerless over alcohol, our lives had become unmanageable.

sunflowergal29

Something I have been telling myself is this: If someone doesn't treat me right, I don't have to be nice to them.
It works- I don't have to smile and pretend someone didn't just treat me like $hit. I like what Loralai said about imagining a beer bottle in the place of the A. That would work too- although I may crack up if I concentrate too hard, LOL!
Yeah- you definitely can't change him, or make him hit his bottom before he's ready- that is only up to him. But- you aren't responsible for his feelings, actions, etc. just as he isn't responsible for yours, no matter what he does or says to you. The more time I spend concentrating on the things that make me feel good, the less time I have to concentrate on unhealthy jibber jabber that comes out of people's mouths, or to focus on what he needs. It isn't easy, but it is definitely worth it.
Take care.
-SFG29