Husband 6 mos sober,,,,,now what??

Old 04-10-2013, 07:32 AM
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Husband 6 mos sober,,,,,now what??

I am brand new here and have absolutely no idea if this is the correct forum to use. My husband is 6 months sober. He is in AA and very active in his recovery. He has changed his whole life. I am so proud of him and SO happy that he has decided to make a positive change for himself and our family. We have been married for 14 years and have a 7 year old son. I know that my husband drank to avoid feelings about everything. I would often joke that he was "dead inside". He truly was as he was always drunk. Now that the alcohol is not numbing him 24 hours a day, he is feeling things for the first time. Over time I have noticed that he is EUPHORIC, about AA, about everything. I am finding that I am having a hard time adjusting to the 'NEW HUSBAND" I know that sounds ungrateful and selfish, but for 18 years we both had very definite roles and they are changing. I am just not sure who he is. I am starting to panic a bit, thinking maybe we don't "fit" with him being sober. Yet at the same time, I would NEVER want to go back to the hell that was his alcoholism. I feel like I am supposed to just forget about the last 18 years of hell and say "GLAD YOU HAVE IT ALL FIGURED OUT, LET'S SKIP DOWN THIS GOLDEN ROAD TOGETHER" ALSO as I listen to him tell me just how bad his habit was, I am angry, I feel even more betrayed. I am going back to Alanon on Monday. I know that I will get some help in dealing with this - But was curious if this is normal or I am just a complete jerk for not being the number one cheerleader in his recovery.
Thanks
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Old 04-10-2013, 07:46 AM
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I think what your feeling is normal. You can't forget about 18 years. There is no doubt that this is a family disease and everyone has to heal from it.

You will get a lot of support in this family forum. The peeps here are great!
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Old 04-10-2013, 07:49 AM
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Very normal & you're definitely in the right spot, Welcome!

I'm happy to hear about your RAH's approach to sobriety, did you previously attend Al-Anon or use other tools to help in your own recovery process?

Stick around, there is so much wisdom here in this forum.
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Old 04-10-2013, 07:53 AM
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Welcome, and glad you found this site! I think everything you are feeling is completely normal. My BF is now 5 months sober, and like your husband, he is doing really well with his recovery. But this is still early, and things are definitely different. I think there is a lot of adjustment in these early months, on both our parts. I have those moments where I want to remind him how badly he hurt me during those dark days, but I'm learning that's not helpful. He is working his steps, and will learn all of that as he progresses through the steps. I stay on my side of the street, and attend AlAnon faithfully. I got my own sponsor, and have started working my own steps. I expect him to do it in AA, so I do my part in AlAnon. And it's been a tremendous help, keeps me from going back to that spinning mode.

I really wanted apologies when my BF came home from treatment, I had anger about the lack of apology as he talked about how happy he was sober. I shared in an AlAnon meeting that I was frustrated, did I really have to wait until he reached Step 9 to get the apologies I deserved? How long would it take him to get to Step 9? There was a young woman who is a member of AA who attended our meeting with her Dad. She shared her experience. She said that when she first came out of treatment, she didn't really have a true understanding of what carnage she had truly caused. If she had apologized right then, she wouldn't have truly understood what all she was apologizing for. But by the time she got to Step 9, she understood and was sincere in her amends to people. She realized it was frustrating for her loved ones, but she was glad she waited until then. That was a HUGE message for me. I think of her message anytime I start to get frustrated. Let him do his work, be patient, do my own work.

Congrats to your spouse on 6 months of sobriety! Keep going to AlAnon, work your own steps, read/post here. Be patient. (((hugs)))
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Old 04-10-2013, 08:18 AM
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THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH! I had gone to Alan-on when his disease was at it's worst. It gave me the courage and the power to stand up and bring his bottom up to him by filing for separation. He responded by binging for 4 days and then going to treatment. And to Recovering2 - Yes I know EXACTLY what you mean by wanting your apologies.
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Old 04-10-2013, 06:33 PM
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No advice from me but thanks for posting this!

Im the alcoholic 4 months sober now and I can safely say my wife is not always my cheerleader, let alone the biggest cheerleader.

She never went so far as to try to get me to drink but I have had the impression at times she really did not support my recovery at all.

Hope it gets better for you sll and us!
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Old 04-10-2013, 07:21 PM
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Originally Posted by Fallow View Post
my wife is not always my cheerleader, let alone the biggest cheerleader.

She never went so far as to try to get me to drink but I have had the impression at times she really did not support my recovery at all.
By the time an alcoholic finally gets sober, the pom-poms are a bit frayed. I read your other thread, Fallow, and it sounds like you have been somewhat oblivious to the effect your drinking probably had on your wife and on your marriage.

I've been in two marriages to alcoholics (one got sober and still is today, 33 years later, and the other went back to drinking). I also am a recovered alcoholic with four and a half years of sobriety. Alcoholic marriages are very, very difficult, and marriages in early sobriety are no picnic, either. It isn't the job of the nonalcoholic partner to be a cheerleader for anyone's recovery except his/her own. Sobriety is its own reward. We don't deserve pats on the back from people we've hurt for doing what we should have been doing all along. Other people we have hurt have a right to feel that hurt, and it's their responsibility to work through their resentments, just as it's our responsibility to work through our own.

kkelly, I think you will find Al-Anon to be a great help to you during this time. I also suggest that your read the chapters in the Big Book, "To Wives" and "The Family Afterward." The book was written in 1939, so it is rather dated in terms of the gender roles ascribed to men and women, but it's still pretty accurate when it comes to the feelings that both parties can experience after sobriety.
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Old 04-10-2013, 07:33 PM
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I think it’s pretty normal that when the dynamics of any relationship changes feelings of insecurity happen along with all those others – resentment – anger –etc.

I think al-anon will help you find YOU and where YOU are at today in this marriage. Work through some of those resentments and insecurity with his new found sobriety.
You’ve got at the minimum 6 months of catching up with YOU and who YOU are today to do.
((hugs))
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Old 04-10-2013, 08:28 PM
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Alcoholism does not cease being cunning, baffling and confusing just b/c the drinker abstains. It is a challenge for me to hold space for these feelings: relief, gratitude, fury, self-pity, rage, disgust, frustration, jealousy, love, kindness, hope.
The feeling that encompasses all of them? Patience. For myself, and for the alcoholics.

I should say that my AH is a STBX. I have patience for our feelings and the process. I do not believe in standing still, patiently, waiting for someone else to walk the same path to recovery with me. We each have our own path. I wish it could have been together, but oh well.

And LexieCat, I couldn't agree more that sobriety is its own reward. Expecting applause and approval for sobriety is usually a good sign that an A needs to check in w/their sponsor, ASAP.
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Old 04-11-2013, 05:30 AM
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Gosh I think when the roles in a long term marriage change significantly its always hard to readjust.

Thing is he can't make up 18 years to you in a time exchange. The only thing he can do is work his program and stay sober. I am sure that is what you have prayed for and now its happening. At some point you will need to address if you can forgive him for what he put you through. You guys just aren't on the same timeline and that's ok. His sobriety doesn't immediately erase the resentment, anguish, and fears that is something that you will have to work through on down the road.
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Old 04-11-2013, 05:43 AM
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kkelly370 thanks for the great post, my best to you and your family!


An alcoholic's behavior can be devastating.

Coming from both sides of recovery, I never received apologies nor amends. I got bitter about this. I was the one making amends, and I did this grudgingly, boy what a MARTYR I BECAME.

These days I don't expect anything. I had to deal with my own anger and resentment right away, and not wait on someone else's recovery. I've moved on. The initial sobering up of the alcoholic was enough.

My life isn't based on anyone drinking/using or even sobering up.
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Old 04-11-2013, 09:45 AM
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Wow!

It is incredible to me to read all of the replies to my post. I seriously am touched beyond words. I have read AND HEARD each and every one. And it takes me back to the moment I realized that it wasn't just my Husband who was powerless over alcohol... I was too. I had no control over his drinking and I really don't have control over his recovery. Can everyone tell that I like to have control? UH YES! He is finally doing what I wished and prayed for....He is not the only one that needed to change- I need to also. Letting go of the role of detective, damaged person, angry person, hurt person, and yes mother to him is proving to be a hard task. It is engrained in me- I guess like drinking was to him. So I am going to try (with help from Alanon) to shed that skin. Another thing I realized is that when he drank I was the only one he talked to or shared his feelings with. I literally was the center of his world. I always said that was too much pressure and I hated it. Well now that he is in AA and he is talking to others and opening up to others....I am realizing i have a bit of resentment about that. I guess I need to take an honest inventory just like he is....I am slowly figuring out that I was not the "healthy one" in the story of us. I am just as flawed and confused. That's a hard pill to swallow. So THANK YOU ALL AGAIN for your words, they truly helped me see that as he recovers, I have to also.....
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Old 04-11-2013, 01:06 PM
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My husband has been in AA for over a year, happily and successfully working his program. Initially I felt a real sense of shock and abandonment since I thought I was the person he would turn to about his inner-most feelings. And I was the last to know that he was in AA! Apparently he didn't feel he could speak to me about his struggle with alcohol (which was not at all like what I read on this board every day - he was a 2 - 3 glass of wine a day drinker, after dinner to relax, high functioning, big job, never drunk, etc). Anyway, now he has several AA "friends" who he speaks to very often, at least one of them every day - probably more than he speaks to me. From this sense of abandonment came resentment; its taken me a year to get that under control and to realize that just as I can't be all things for him, neither can he be all things for me. I've been working on myself and its been a year of enormous personal growth, but the relationship has really really changed, a lot. I don't think we've yet found the new normal, and I am sad to have lost what we had before all of this began. But then again, what we had before obviously had its issues or we both would have dealt with this situation differently. Meanwhile, I'm busy picking up the pieces and trying to find a happy path forward. Good luck to you.
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Old 04-11-2013, 04:11 PM
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kkelly, it's perfectly okay to put away the pom poms! We can't be cheerleaders all the time, and honestly I'm not sure if it's good to be a cheerleader for recovery. Yes, we can be supportive, but it's their thing to do and they can't be doing it FOR us or BECAUSE we're cheering them on. I finally retired my pom poms. I was all cheered out. And I do feel like a jerk sometimes not being all "OMGOMGOMG, you'vecheckedbackintorehabandthat'sawesome!" But, ya know what? It's okay! We're human. We're hurt. We're healing. We're processing. We're recovering. We've got just as much crap to work through as the A's do!

Just keep working it for you. You're doing great. There will be bad days and good days, but as long as you keep moving forward, you're going in the right direction. Sending you strength, hope, and hugs.
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Old 04-11-2013, 05:47 PM
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kkelly, I think you are on the right track.

Relationships change after sobriety. There's no way to tell how it is really going to work out until you both progress much further.

And I'll tell you something else. My first husband, who has been sober since 1980, is an awesome guy. He really is. I eventually felt uncomfortable in the marriage, and we divorced. We are still, however, very good friends. We successfully co-parented two great kids through some very challenging times. We still talk on the phone at least once every couple of weeks, though the kids are grown and he is happily remarried. All that is blessings of recovery--his and mine. Two people who grow and change may not grow and change along the same paths, but if both are healthy, sane people, it can eliminate rancor around any parting of the ways.
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Old 04-12-2013, 12:20 AM
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glad you posted about this! I was about to also! AH is dry 4 days! I am feeling curious feelings..... hopeful yet aloof, lighter yet tired, calm yet nervous.....very interesting process this is. I keep checking in with myself.....but yes my pompoms are frayed
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Old 04-12-2013, 07:04 AM
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
It isn't the job of the nonalcoholic partner to be a cheerleader for anyone's recovery except his/her own. Sobriety is its own reward. We don't deserve pats on the back from people we've hurt for doing what we should have been doing all along.
And I do not desire any pats on the back. As a recovering alcoholic I am doing this for me and sobriety certainly is my own reward.

I do find it strange that after my wife got what she wanted, the wants have simply changed and she is still unhappy.
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Old 04-12-2013, 07:32 AM
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Originally Posted by Fallow View Post

I do find it strange that after my wife got what she wanted, the wants have simply changed and she is still unhappy.
How do you know what she wanted?
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Old 04-12-2013, 11:26 AM
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I ask her what she wants..

Anyhow no intention on derailing the OP in any way. My initial intention was to say I sympathize with you because I am in what sounds like a similar situation.

I personally do not want or need my wife to cheer lead for me. I want her to find happiness for herself in whatever way she chooses.

I have changed a lot too and so have the roles in our relationship. I would recommend talking to him about how you feel. My wife does not. I try to get it out of her and get no response. Time takes time and I hope we will eventually fill a role where both of us are happy.

If she is happy I am sober that is great, if not that is not anything I can change or fix.

Best of luck
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Old 04-12-2013, 02:47 PM
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Originally Posted by Fallow View Post
And I do not desire any pats on the back. As a recovering alcoholic I am doing this for me and sobriety certainly is my own reward.

I do find it strange that after my wife got what she wanted, the wants have simply changed and she is still unhappy.

congrats on owning your sobreity


BUT in my opinion as you sound like my rah has that your wifes wants did NOT change perhapse you just have not yet realized what it is she needs.
She wanted you sober correct? and now it seems she is still not happy so what does she want now?

maybe she does not want nor need to be refered to as unhappy or having her wants changed, or a sad cheerleader or controlling or forgetful and irresponsible.

maybe she wants, NO NEEDS a husband who treats her well,is understanding and just loves her.
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