scapegoat

I told my mom I would not have contact with her if she continues drinking


So she got flown home early by my enabling dad and went to detox. I thought he was going to REHAB right after but I guess not, because she texted saying she's going to meetings now.


So she got out, came back home to my enabling dad and alcoholic brother...and for all i know she's drinking again. I mean how am I suppose to know anyway? She's 2,000+ miles away.


I've gone through the constant lies with my brother already and now to believe that he never stops drinking even when he says he does


So how do I know she's telling the truth again and has stopped?

DreamsofSerenity

There's a great thread on here about that! It's called something like "How to tell if they are serious.." I will try to find it but I'm sure someone who knows their way around SR better than I do will post a link to it.

I've had experience with two alcoholics: my exabf who never got sober, and a good friend who did. It was SOOO obvious when the friend started his recovery. He officially announced to everyone he knew that he was an alcoholic, and then he talked about nothing else but AA, his sponsor, and the steps. His ramblings about recovery were so incessant, they almost became annoying. (This was before my exabf. Now, I'd thoroughly enjoy hearing about anyone's recovery.) Anyway, this friend is six years sober.

My exabf on the other hand, talked about getting sober for three of the four years I knew him. He went to AA a few times but complained about the people there. He never got a sponsor, and never once mentioned anything about the steps. He is still drinking.

My experience is limited, but from what I've seen, when an A gets sober, you know it. The change in them is too profound to not be obvious. So I feel like if you think your mom is lying, she probably is. I hope I am wrong.

scapegoat

thanks. i've definately noticed that pattern in my brother.


you'd think everyone would boast about their recovery if they actually are recovering


i actually told my mom "you might not like the label right now, but once you're in recovery, you'll wear the term 'alcoholic' like a badge of honor"

Taking5

This is incredibly true.

redatlanta

For me when going through my husband's relapse I stopped having expectations and hopes. Correction, I expected that he would continue to drink and stopped hoping that he would stop.

Got off the merry go round of disappointment that way.

MsPINKAcres

For me - no one had to tell me when my A loved ones quit drinking or using - I could tell in their behavior -

Sober actions vs drinking/using actions - very very different

just my e, s, & h

wishing you the best - take good care of you - you deserve it

pink hugs

laurie6781

Truer words were never spoken!

To this day, almost 32 years now, I still wear my 'badge', lol I am a sober alcoholic woman and damn proud of it.

I have worked with many alkies attempting recovery and the above words are so true! It is a beautiful thing to see them start to 'blossom' and 'change' both in their physical appearance and in their words and thinking processes.

It might be time for you to go 'no contact' with your family as they all seem to be very 'toxic'. Does not have to be forever, but would give you a breather and time to go to some Alanon and/or get a one on one counselor, and work on you, figure out your personal boundaries and figure out what you will do if your boundary is crossed.

In the meantime, we are all here for you and are walking with you in spirit.

Love and hugs,

Hopeworks

Just going to meetings is not recovery ... its a first step that may turn into authentic life changing recovery. I tell people going to to meetings is just geography unless the A actually makes the decision to do whatever it takes and follow direction from a sponsor.

And if they do that the odds go up a few ticks that they will make it to real recovery. If they actually do follow through keep going to meetings, follow direction from sober alcoholics, do the steps the odds go up another few ticks that they will make continue to grow mentally, emotionally, spiritually into authentic recovery.

Doing all of the above is life changing ... and if they do ALL of it everyone will see a huge difference in who they have become. You won't have to wonder if they lying because there will be actions and personality changes you will see and hear.

If they just hang around the rooms... well ... that's just geography and it usually is quite temporary. The rooms of AA are seriously no fun at all for the A that is just going through the motions to stop the nagging of family, especially if they are sneak drinking.

So... if you talk on the phone with your A relatives you can choose to exchange pleasantries and if they ask you about recovery or bring up their recovery you can help yourself (and them) by understanding the relationship dynamics and the disease. Extricating yourself from toxic family members and the alcoholic dance is not easy!

It can get healthy for you... the only part of this you can control. Personally I look at it like being in my own hulahoop and work on keeping mine swinging nice and straight. If an A brings up AA or recovery and asks my opinion I am more than happy to share from the heart and give it to them straight.

But if they don't ask or bring it up... I stay in my hula hoop and keep my mouth shut. Very, very, very hard for me... tough lessons.

Are you in alanon? counseling? The right group and right counselor can help soooooo much!

choublak

Well, not everyone discusses their recovery with everyone they know/meet, but that doesn't matter.