Late night vision/dream
 

I have been feeling very tormented by something that I couldn't quite put a finger on. Was it guilt? Was it 'not trusting' my AH's new persona? Was it fear of the unknown? UGH, I swear I wake up at least one night a week with tears streaming down my face and then I get into a conversation in my head where I'm defending myself to my AH about why I'm still cautious around him, etc.

And, then after a few hours of this I finally just get up in the AM absolutely exhausted. It's my own crazy at this point, right? Anyway, I had a vision last night while half asleep of my AH giving me this smirky smile and I realized it was the smile he gave me the night he asked for sex after reaming me out about thinking I would call him a rapist just because I'm a rape victim. That stupid smirk, it was like he knew how much he was hurting me and he wanted to keep it up and ask for sex after all the hurtful stuff he had said that night. So, after I see this face and that stupid smile I had this part of my dream:

My broken heart was in pieces and the pieces were scattered around the earth. I was walking the earth picking up the pieces and putting them back together. Then, AH would roll in and say something hurtful or glare at me or give the silent treatment, and another piece of my heart would fall away again. So, then I'd have to back track and go pick it up and put it back into place. This kept continuing until I was so exhausted and fell down weeping. In retrospect, since I was mostly asleep, I realize this has been my life. Picking up the pieces, trying to put it back together myself, and then being demoralized over and over again, and getting exhausted in the process. Sigh, it's only 9 AM and I'm already tired today.

Some day I will be in a healthy relationship, even if it is only with myself and my Higher Power. At this point, I feel so done with this crap and the torment that I put myself through. I mean, seriously, what is wrong with me? UGH!

Liz, in my opinion, the short answer to your question is that, thus far, you have not done the type and amount of work that is necessary to heal your childhood wounds and deal with your co-dependent nature.

sincerely, dandylion

((Liz))

Keep working on your own recovery and have faith that this will happen

I truly believe that one day soon you will realize - TODAY is the day you have that relationship!

pink hugs

What a dream. No symbolism needed.

What I found very freeing is that nobody breaks my heart. I can choose to react with a broken heart, or choose something else, like looking at the situation, accepting another's view, and then listening to it and actually being heard in return.
As backwards as that may sound, I realized it was me who breaks my heart--by reacting in that way.
Like letting go of a dream...letting go of the fantasy, and accepting the reality.
I chose something else after a long time of feeling that somebody else was breaking my heart. Nobody has that power actually, but me.
I chose to accept the reality. Things instantly improved. Far from perfect, but improved. Communication is so much more possible when we aren't hanging something over somebody's head, that we think they are guilty of. Then we could talk about the situation, instead of who is guilty, who is innocent, who is right, who is wrong. Things become more negotiable. Other outcomes present themselves. The battle of wills ended, and we could find a happy medium--not overnight, not without setbacks, not without some reactionary behaviors or accusations sneaking in. Progress though.
One person of the partnership gives a little, and suddenly the other is willing to give a little too.
I simply think you don't want to leave him. So how can you two work together? How can you both be more understanding of each other's positions? Put down the swords and stop the battle of wills? A little more give and take on both sides? I only suggest this is the route because you want to stay. I get that. So then you take a good look at who he really is, and thank him for his strong points. Then he might be more willing to listen to his shortcomings, and thank you for your strong points too.

Funny, but I feel like I have done so much work and I'm worn out emotionally at this point. Al Anon, individual counseling for a year now, working with my sponsor, and journalist daily all my crap. I just want to crawl in a hole and stop. I feel done with everything. Tired of working through my childhood trauma, tired of the flashbacks from being molested, raped, etc. I just want it all to end and being married to my AH doesn't help because I get distracted by his stuff and go all codependent. I just am so ready to shut off my brain. I turned off my emotions a long time ago and I really don't like them coming around anymore. Why I decided to 'work' through anything fit now is a mystery to me. I hate what I've become, and that is the honest truth. I'm sorry I'm such a downer but I am in a bad place today. That dream was just too real!

Hug little Liz the way the adults in your life couldn't. Really! Imagine yourself as a kid. Imagine holding her, hugging her, her head on your shoulder. Comfort that precious little girl.

This is the uncomfortable part of growth, where you're exhausted from clearing out all the debris (been there, done this, threw out the pile of t-shirts). Take care of yourself, keep going to all the counseling and Al-Anon, and pamper yourself. Get lots of sleep -- your brain is trying to reconcile all this new information about feeling emotions. And remember that emotions are just emotions -- you don't have to *do* anything about them. Just feel them, then let them be.

xx

Maybe we can work our program too much and need a break.

Liz, I believe that you are exhausted. Living with the same abuser that is in your dreams for years will erode anyone from the inside.

Just because one is going through the motions doesn't necessarity mean that they are digging down and doing the tough work of therapy. People spend lots of money and go to hand-holding therapists (or counselors)--sometimes for years, with no significant improvement.

Your therapist keeps urging you to "soften" yourself toward your husband (wth??). The marriage counseling seems to be the place where your husband gets to spew venom at you weekly. Like AA--the healing in alanon is largely in working all the steps with great dilligence. Intensive work--not just a "lick and a promise". Victims of sexual abuse MUST select a therapist who is specifically trained and experienced in this area of work.

Actually, I am not surprised that you are exhausted and don't feel that you have made much progress (stuck).

I imagine that I sound gruff to you--I'm sure that I do. My interest is in helping you by telling you the truth (as I see it). I think that helping you is more important than for me to seem "sweet".

I hope that you can consider my words long enough to get so me benefit from them.

sincerely, dandylion

Facing past trauma is an important part of healing. So is looking up in wonderment at the loveliness around you.

Rape victims have fun and laugh until soda shoots out their nose, too! Partners of asshat alcoholics get to watch funny movies and get massages....feeling good doesn't have to wait while you do emotional "work".

Ask for a dream where your heart comes back to you, or you feel restored regardless of his actions.

(((((Liz)))))
That's a pretty powerful dream. I would be rattled by it too. It sounds like you are in a really tough place.
Sometimes I think people need to break down completely before they can see clearly how to put the pieces back together and move forward. Maybe this is part of your process - and in time you may see this dark period, and last night's dream, as a gift. A gift that illuminated the path that you've been working so hard to create for yourself. Because, dear Liz, you have worked very, very hard. You deserve some comfort and I would like to echo what Florence suggested - comfort that precious little girl that was subjected to such horrible things. My heart is aching for you.
Sending lots of hugs and support,
MamaKit

I'm reading a book recommended by my therapist called Radical Forgiveness. I haven't gotten far as after I read the first chapter I cried like a baby. Simple concept...I came away recognizing that I deserve to be treated with dignity,love,respect, cared for and that I deserve so much better. It's tough work working on ourselves but I think it's going to be worth it. You deserve so much better also. Hugs and support.

What has he done to regain your trust after acting like that?

What reason to you have inside to know he would never hurt you like that again?

It is human nature to feel at risk of a repeat hurt after an experience like that with someone. It sounds to me like you don't have confidence that he won't turn on you again and that fear is manifesting I your dreams. Has he done some very serious work to explain why it happened and why it could never happen again? Has he shown you that is not his true self with both words and deeds for an extended period of time? If not, that would have to happen in order for me to feel safe again.

Be gentle with yourself.

wow. I too have been having horrible dreams of my ah. for the past 6 days now. every night like clock work. dreams are away of expressing our fears and dealing with problems in a visual way. sometimes its our own little tiny voice inside telling us whats going on and informing us of the problems we have yet to deal with. im sorry for the hurt...i think its a clear indication that more time is needed to heal for you

I am so sorry you are feeling so down today Liz.

I am not of the school of thought that everything has to revisited to be worked through. My RAH saw a therapist at one point that straightforward felt that spending a lot of time on the past was a waste of the present. I am no therapist - but perhaps you have visited your past enough? I think the place that you are in while uncomfortable is very pivotal - it sounds like you are ready for......something else.

Ultimately not all decisions are made feeling 100% right. Sometimes you just have to jump.

Be kind to yourself today - ((((hugs)))).

I am now in my seventh week after having asked my AH of thirty-one years to leave, and I have only talked to him in the interim, not seen him. I love him still, but I am already more at peace, and I can see joy on the horizon. It is so nice to come home to a peaceful house, so nice to leave town and not wonder what he's doing, so nice not to check up on him anymore and feel like a snoop the whole time I'm doing it. He also still loves me, but he is a mess and will only torture me again if I take him back. So I'm not. Life without an aloholic is pretty wonderful, and I'm only starting it. I wish you good dreams and healthy living.

Liz, what a powerful and disturbing dream. I can see, and understand from my own experience, how totally exhausting it is to come to such a vision of truth as you sleep. It can truly drain you.

You have done so much work, contrary to what people here are saying. My background is very similar to yours, including childhood abuse and marriage to an abusive narcissist alcoholic and I believe you are reaching through layers into the depth of the emotional devastation that your abuse - past and present - has caused. I remember reading in a post you made within the last several months that you had connected your past abuse with your current relationship, and I thought that was such a profound "Ah-ha!" moment.

So first of all, I'd say take deep breaths, and feel proud of yourself for all the emotional work you've done and are doing, and feel comforted that what has buried so long is now at the surface.

My broken heart was in pieces and the pieces were scattered around the earth. I was walking the earth picking up the pieces and putting them back together. Then, AH would roll in and say something hurtful or glare at me or give the silent treatment, and another piece of my heart would fall away again. So, then I'd have to back track and go pick it up and put it back into place... I realize this has been my life. Picking up the pieces, trying to put it back together myself, and then being demoralized over and over again, and getting exhausted in the process.

I think that is a profound and life changing insight. That it comes to you in a dream so powerful that it wakes up and won't be forgotten, is, to me, a message that this is a level of self-knowledge that is determined to break through to your consciousness, intrude on your defenses, no matter what you try to do to avoid it. This is your life-force coming forward to demand that you pay attention.

I think part of the dislocation of this insight is that you are trying to interpret it from within your current emotional and life situation. In other words, you are trying to fit it within the framework of the life you are now living. That would be safer. That would be more comfortable. That would not rock the boat of everything you now have.

Doing this, given the power of your dream and insight, may just not be viable, and it trying to stuff the dream down into today's context may be causing part of your exhaustion.

If it were me, and I have had such dreams, I would say just sit with it for a while. Don't try to explain it away. Don't try to absorb it within the context of your current thoughts, your current relationships, your current life style. I think it is too deep to be confined within those boundaries.

Let it percolate. If it were me, I would pray or meditate about it, asking God to help me understand its meaning, help me free myself to receive its meaning.

I would also find a different therapist, totally and solely for you. No one who has ever met your husband. No one who has any agenda, including for or against your marriage. Someone highly attuned to those women who have been badly abused - both overtly and the more subtle pervasive abuse that comes from living with a narcissist. A therapist whose only concern is your wholeness and well-being.

This will start to create a safe place, a haven where you can go to and allow the brutal honesty of your dream to come home to your soul. I think this will be immensely freeing, and you will find your exhaustion lifting as you begin to assimilate what you are feeling at such a deep level.

It isn't necessarily a time for decisions, or even specific thoughts of "what does this mean for my current life?". You can't really do that until this insight has percolated throughout your being, and you have allowed it to re-form whatever emotions and thoughts it needs to touch, without censorship or fear.

It's kind of like being half-birthed. You aren't out yet, you can't see the world, and what is happening can be terrifying, especially in its incompleteness. Have faith, you will get through this passage. For me, there is great beauty, light, and joy the farther I move through.

ShootingStar1

Liz, that dream/vision sounds incredibly intense. I find it crazy how our subconscious mind can send us messages that just cut to the core like that, but sometimes it's what we need. I'm not a big dreamer, but I've been having more dreams lately myself and I know it's my head & my heart ganging up on me to tell me something I need to hear and don't pay enough attention to when I'm awake.

And I can understand why you're exhausted. You've been doing a lot of work to try to keep your marriage, your family, yourself, and your heart together. That's no small feat. I can also understand wanting to turn off your emotions. I numbed myself for a very long time. It's like when your foot falls asleep...when it "wakes up" again, it's gonna HURT. But you can't stay numb forever. And it will hurt when some of those feelings come back again. Sure, if you're numb, you can't feel the bad stuff, but you can't feel the good stuff either.

I wish I had some great advice, but all I can offer is encouragement and support and lots and lots of hugs. :hug:

Thanks everyone. I gathered myself together while my son was playing a practice session yesterday with a friend. Just walked around and let the tears flow. My son's match was later in the day and he won that and I was able to enjoy it, of course while biting my nails and sitting on the edge of my seat, LOL! These national tournaments are emotionally draining for all the parents, as well as the kids so I was feeling pressure from all angles this week. Luckily, the college recruiters aren't watching my son's age bracket yet so we didn't have that pressure yet!

I read each response here and I journal on my thoughts that have been brought up from both the dream and the responses here. I am thinking that maybe I need to find a new therapist. I like the woman I am with now, but we really haven't tackled any of my past trauma in the manner in which I am guessing it should be addressed. I mean, she will acknowledge that it happened and say, "Well, of course you feel this way, you suffered through this or that or whatever." But, we really haven't gotten into the deep psyche issues that are probably lurking in my subconscious. Or, maybe I'm expecting too much from her? Or, maybe I'm expecting too much from myself too? See, there I go thinking too much! UGH! Anyhoo, I think today is the last day for my son's time in this tournament and I will be traveling home tonight or tomorrow AM. Time to go back to reality. Sigh.

Have you tried to delve deeper into those issues and found resistance? You are allowed to discuss the direction of your therapy with your therapist. If she doesn't want to go where you want to go, then yes, I would recommend finding a new one. But she might be open to looking at things that have, up to now, served background for the work you're doing.

It can be so hard to find a therapist you like; I would give this one a chance to change direction before you switch.

i do agree with this...mentally we do need a break because we are to close to the problem...

there is nothing wrong with 1 week taking a break....just as long as you do something for yourself in that time...like a good bubble bath or a long walk...

keep the faith...mentally your HP will give you the messages when you totally shut down and listen....

prayer are with ya...