Any advice?

Old 03-03-2013, 06:41 AM
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Any advice?

I'm not sure if I am doing things right and I know that no one can actually tell me if I am, but just wondering if anyone in my situation is facing something similar.

I have been separated from my AH for 9 months. Most of my story can be found under another post (I don't have enough posts to add a link, but the title is: my first post - kinda long).

We finally saw him for the first time in almost 2 months a week and a half ago when I invited him to dinner. Since then we have spoken on the phone at least once a day, but neither of us has much to say. I continue to tell him that he has to work on his problems for himself, not me or us or our daughter. We can't be his only reason for sobriety. He continues to insist that he can't do it on his own. I ask as few questions about his life as possible. I figure if he wants me to know, he will tell me in his own time. It is difficult, because I would like to know if he is taking his meds, going to the doctor or even attempting AA, which he says he looked into but I'm not so sure. I am 99.9% sure he is still drinking. I am 0% sure that he is taking care of himself.

Am I doing the right thing by not seeing him? I have been considering inviting him over on a weekly basis, but would that do more harm than good? I know it is not my responsibility to make sure he spends time with his child, but he seems to be leaving it all up to me. I just want to scream -- TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR OWN LIFE!!!!

My daughter is now starting to have emotional issues over not seeing her dad. I have a counseling assessment scheduled for her this week, and her teacher has asked that I come in for a conference. She refuses to discuss her feelings with me and I don't push her. All I can do is be there for her. I make it a point to never speak ill of her dad around her. She has to form her own opinion of him based on his actions. That is alot for an 8 year old to handle.
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Old 03-03-2013, 06:58 AM
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I not only think the weekly meetings are a bad idea, but the daily phone calls, too. What in the world is that going to accomplish? You aren't going to talk him into sobriety, and you are simply getting hooked back in to feeling sorry for him and stressing over what he is doing.

I think it is great that your daughter get counseling for this situation, and it is probably for the best that she isn't seeing her dad right now. I would just reinforce the idea that daddy is sick right now and he can't be the dad he would like to be. There are some excellent books for talking about alcoholism with kids. Do a little searching on the internet--I don't have any titles off the top of my head, but I know there are a few.
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Old 03-03-2013, 07:02 AM
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Originally Posted by leighr View Post
I just want to scream -- TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR OWN LIFE!!!!
Then go right ahead. Seriously.

I found that screaming helped me release the pent up frustration. I also found that my children prefered that I do my screaming in my car, so I followed their recommendation.

It was a suggestion from a social worker that I find healthy ways to release my anger and frustration. It was also suggested that I teach these methods to my children as they also needed healthy tools to deal with their frustration over the changes in our family dynamic ~ and they would need these tools as adults.

Screaming was one suggestion; cursing, yelling, punching a pillow or hitting my bed with a pillow were other suggestions. The hitting of my bed and punching were uncomfortable for me, but using my voice worked. I could turn up the stereo and screaaaaaam! I could curse and yell all the things I knew wanted to say (but knew they would not benefit me or the person they were directed at). The goal of these exercises is to release the anger/frustration without causing harm to self or another.

The most harm I have had as a result was being hoarse at my Alanon meeting for having screamed in my car the entire drive to the meeting!

You have been separated for 9 months. Are you actively seeking a legal end to this relationship?
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Old 03-03-2013, 08:18 AM
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I do not believe an 8 year old can truly process what is going on with her father. Age appropiate language is needed. She needs to know her father is not healthy at this time.

I certainly hope the counselor can offer you help, some guidelines to help her adjust and come to terms with her present reality.

Adults have great difficulty in processing and understanding this very selfish disease.

I do not think weekly family dinners is the answer, seems it would be giving the child false hope, and sweeping the real issues under the rug.
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Old 03-03-2013, 10:43 AM
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Dear leighr, I think that you are exhibiting classic thinking and behaviors of co-dependency and enabling him---WITH THE BEST, AND MOST NOBLE OF INTENTIONS!! I did that sooo much before I understood more about this disease and how I played into it (with good intentions). What works well in healthy relationships often has the opposite effects when in relationship with an addict. What a surprise that was for me!!!

Weekly dinners--bad idea, in my opinion. H is relationship with his daughter is HIS resplonsibility. He will never take responsibility for the things you are still doing for him.
You are trying to do the "impossible"---it is a black hole that will never end!

sincerely, dandylion
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Old 04-11-2013, 08:18 AM
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We are now approaching the 10 month mark in our separation. I have not yet persued an end to the relationship, in my state you have to be separated a year first anyway. I guess the optimist in me is also hoping he will come to his senses. I did not implement the weekly dinners and I have not tried to organize any type of "family" time between AH and our daughter. We have hardly seen him, but I get a phone call nearly every morning with practically the same plea. It goes something like this:

AH: I miss you and love you so much and I need your help. I'm all alone and I can't do this by myself.
Me: I just want you to take care of yourself and take responsibility for your problems and work on fixing them.
AH: I'm not worth doing it for myself. I need your help.
Me: I have exhausted my abilities to help you. Nothing I have ever tried has worked. It is now up to you to fix your problems. If you can't help yourself there is nothing that anyone else can do for you.
AH: We both know how that is going to work out.
Me: Take your meds (he is on 10-12 different ones for physical and mental issues). Go see your doctors (medical and psychiatrist). Go to AA where there is a room full of people who can relate to your issues and help you through them. If you put yourself on the road to recovery there is a better chance of things working out between us, otherwise there is no chance at all.
AH: I'm not worth doing it for myself. I need your help.
.....

You get the idea. I only answer the phone because I know from experience he will only keep calling until he reaches me then claim that he was just worried about me. He also comments each time that he knows I won't be calling him. And I don't unless it is absolutely necessary.

My daughter's counseling seems to be going well. I think she looks forward to going and they are working on her ability to express her feelings to me since she has a really hard time telling me what is going on in her head. She misses him like crazy. He made an appearance at her ball game a few nights ago and she lit up. But then he left early and I watched her beautiful little face just fall. She was with me when I signed the year long lease on our rental, and now keeps asking if we are going to be moving back in with Daddy when the year is up. It is hard to get her to understand that in all likelyhood that is not going to happen.

Thank you to everyone that responded to my previous post here. I still continue to hope that the way I am handling things is the "right" way, but I am sticking to my guns. Any comments, suggestions, insights or similar experiences and how you dealt with them are truly appreciated!
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Old 04-11-2013, 09:14 AM
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Dear leighr, you can see, by now, that this is a marathon. Honestly, they are like little children who keep "begging" in the assumption that if they can outlast us--we will change our minds. If we ever caved on boundries in the past--they have every reason to believe that we will again.

It takes all of us a long developmental time to become mature enough to handle o ur own responsibilities. For those who missed the boat in that area--it takes a l ong time of dealing with the "real" world--even after they stop drinking. More like several years--if at all.

You h ave made good strides--to your credit--but, I can "hear" your own uncertainty in your post. If I pick up on it--I am sure that there is a great liklihood that your h usband and daughter are also picking up on it!!

sincerely, dandylion
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Old 04-11-2013, 01:23 PM
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Thank you so much for your response. Yes, I do have uncertainty, and I am doing my best to overcome it.

Another question that keeps popping into my head is, how do I know the difference between a true call for help and "quacking" (as I have heard it referred to in other threads)? I guess that is where my uncertainty comes from.
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Old 04-11-2013, 01:31 PM
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When he gets serious about recovery, he will stop negotiating with you about it. He will get it that he has to do it whether you are there or not. You'll know he isn't quacking, because he'll be showing you recovery instead of talking about it.
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Old 04-11-2013, 01:35 PM
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IMO , they are kind of the same. I mean there is the true quacking. The downright ridiculous things alcoholics say. I also believe the cry for help is a little quack as well. He is an adult. He knows he has a problem. He has to suck it up and decide his life is worth it and take ACTION. I went thru this several times with my XAB and he is not recovered. He tried for me, for my kids. Never works. He has to figure this out.
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Old 04-11-2013, 01:39 PM
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I was willing to do anything

Originally Posted by leighr View Post

I have been considering inviting him over on a weekly basis, but would that do more harm than good?
as long as he promises to come over sober
of course for a married couple this would be the thing to do

many Christian churches offer free counseling
even to those who do not attend their church
worked wonders for my wife and I years ago
and yes
she set up the counseling without my knowledge
but
I did attend because
I was willing to do anything so as to save our relationship

both parties must be willing

onehigherpower
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Old 04-11-2013, 01:52 PM
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What was that movie?

Groundhog's day.

Sounds like that is how you start each day.

I would find that to be exhausting and a waste of time.

If it were me, I would END the morning circle jerk, he is just toying with your emotions.
It's not that he CANNOT do it on his own, he is currently REFUSING to help himself. There is a difference.

I believe if you allowed him back home, he would continue on like nothing had happened, ignoring his disease, and before you know it you'd be back at square one.

Allow him the consequences of his actions.
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Old 04-11-2013, 01:55 PM
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I agree with Lexicat. I have just learned the hard way that Actions speak louder than Words.
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Old 04-11-2013, 05:20 PM
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I think I would make some boundaries around the phone calls. There is no POINT to them except for him to play on your sympathy.

You are allowed to tell him you don't want any more phone calls, and that if he persists, you will be forced to file for a restraining order. It is called harassment when someone persists in calling when you have said that the calls are unwelcome.

Give it some thought. Many people here can attest that ending all contact made their lives more peaceful. If you feel you cannot end all contact, then give him a scheduled time once a week or something. It's ridiculous that you have to listen to him whine every day.
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