2 options
 

My alcoholic boyfriend was doing so good but 2 week ago he relapsed. He has drank everyday since, I am so disappointed in him. I told him if he had 2 options either keep drinking and lose your kids, your friends, your family, your job and me. OR stop drinking for good and keep everything you have, and make me your wife. He told me I've already lost you. He told me its too hard and that he's lost his faith in himself. I told him he needed to stop listening to lucipher (I don't know how to spell his name). He ignored my comment but I told him when he stops drinking blessings will come upon him. I told him I wont be around him anymore when he is drinking. He said that we wont see each other much then. I told him thank you for choosing alcohol over me. long talk later he is going to try to stop again. We argued for hours. The only fights we ever have are because he relapsed.
I cant help but wonder if I'm just wasting my time on him. So I got my wicker friend to read me my tarot cards. I didn't tell her my question till after. I thought none of my cards led to him but I thought about it and looked it up and yeah he is a fire. so all my cards led to him and its just I'm a little confused. Ill do my own with other questions about him. I just need to find mine.
My heart and my mind are saying I love him but yet I have my fathers voice saying you don't.

It doesn't really matter if you love him or not. He is not able to love you. The A loves alcohol first and foremost. It isn't about you. It's not a matter of loving you or drinking. The mid-brain, where alcohol controls, does not connect with compassion/love/empathy. It is the fight or flight/survival part of the brain. It only knows it needs the drug to feel the high. Period. So if you're waiting for him to choose you, you will be disappointed.

Decide what you want in a relationship, set healthy boundaries for yourself. Don't set boundaries you don't intend to keep. If you say you won't be around him if he drinks, and you don't follow through, he learns you can be manipulated.

You may love him, but it's not about that. Love yourself first. You're not married...IMO do NOT marry this guy! You are committing to a life time of this. Go to AlAnon, read the sticky's at the top of this page, and learn everything you can.

I would suggest that you seek out help from your local Al-Anon and start focusing on yourself and what you can do to recover from co-dependency.

Just speaking for myself, the devil nor spiritual weaknesses have anything to do with a person's alcoholism. It's a disease and many people have a predisposition in acquiring it.

No one needs the drama and heartache that you are experiencing...life is too short

Seek out help from a 12step group, friends, and family.

My best to you...there is a lot of support here at SR

Hello charlie, Welcome to SR!

I'm sorry to hear that your boyfriend is just not ready to quit yet. I wish I could tell you that arguing, talking, begging, pleading, or threats would help an alcoholic to stop--but it won't. Only if and when your boyfriend decides to stop drinking for himself and grabs hold of recovery with both hands will there be lasting change.

If you can love him as he is, right now--then great! If not, then it seems like you may have some decisions to make.

Please take some time and read around these boards. There is a lot of collected experience here from people who have been through the very same thing.

[
Go to Alanon meetings for yourself.


QUOTE=Charlie0414;3907074]My alcoholic boyfriend was doing so good but 2 week ago he relapsed. He has drank everyday since, I am so disappointed in him. I told him if he had 2 options either keep drinking and lose your kids, your friends, your family, your job and me. OR stop drinking for good and keep everything you have, and make me your wife. He told me I've already lost you. He told me its too hard and that he's lost his faith in himself. I told him he needed to stop listening to lucipher (I don't know how to spell his name). He ignored my comment but I told him when he stops drinking blessings will come upon him. I told him I wont be around him anymore when he is drinking. He said that we wont see each other much then. I told him thank you for choosing alcohol over me. long talk later he is going to try to stop again. We argued for hours. The only fights we ever have are because he relapsed.
I cant help but wonder if I'm just wasting my time on him. So I got my wicker friend to read me my tarot cards. I didn't tell her my question till after. I thought none of my cards led to him but I thought about it and looked it up and yeah he is a fire. so all my cards led to him and its just I'm a little confused. Ill do my own with other questions about him. I just need to find mine.
My heart and my mind are saying I love him but yet I have my fathers voice saying you don't.[/QUOTE]

Dear Charlie--Recovering2 has hit the nail on the head so perfectly (better than I can).

I say: re-read her post over and over. It contains the basic facts (truth).

sincerely, dandylion

It doesn't matter what you threaten an addict/alcoholic with. Even if we fear so greatly that we will lose those things, we can't not drink/use by willpower. It doesn't work like that. The addict always defeats us unless we have a solid plan of recovery.

Honey, making the statement that you want to marry him if he quits drinking is not dangling the carrot for him, rather you put a noose around your own neck.

Do not even consider marrying an alcoholic that doesn't have a couple years of sobriety under their belt.

You are wasting your time for sure if you think that you can logic with this man, you can't.

You aren,t married to him,you really haven't been involved with him that long.

Why do you need this in your life.

Marrying him will solve nothing.

People relax after marriage. Any habits accentuate. Any failure of negotiation of tough issues that were apparent before marriage are considered null and void if you go through with marriage without settling them.

Thank you for the welcomes to SR but I have been part of it for months, thank you for the advice to go to Alanon but I've been going for months. My sponsor and I talk regularly. I know I will always be second best to him. It just bugs me that he says he want to quit needs to quit and he does nothing about it. My sponsor and I talked for hours about it today. Ive never loved anyone the way I love him, felt this type of connection. I know if I end it I will feel regret but I know if I don't I'll just have problems. He's just candy coating everything with a drink a day thinking that makes it better. The elephant needs to leave the room and I will never be 1 on his list because alcohol always will.

For us alcoholics the booze is always #1 when we are actively engaging. God help anyone who tries to come between us and our booze! We like to tell you what to hear to get you off our backs.

This is just my opinion but honestly, until he is serious about quitting and getting help, you are wasting your time. He will be an alcoholic for life just like I will. I've been sober for over 8 months now, but I will always be one drink away from the dark side. I will always have to be vigilant and so will he if he decides he is going to quit.

I've always said that being with me isn't for the faint of heart that is for sure! I wish you luck and please remember that life is too short to take on his garbage.

It "bugs" the non-alcoholic partner because to that person quitting drinking is a no-brainer. Why would anyone choose alcohol over the good things in life? The answer is that they AREN'T "choosing" it, they are COMPELLED to drink. It's sort of like someone telling you that all you have to do is "choose" to quit breathing. That's how it feels when you are in the grip of alcoholism. It's impossible to imagine life (a happy one, anyway) without it.

Until an alcoholic feels personally desperate enough that he or she feels unable to go on with life as they know it, it is simply too hard to contemplate.

If he has only agreed to "try" because you argued him into it, I don't see a lot of hope for this situation.

I've made some very harsh boundaries when I've been upset, and I've regretted them. In a weird way, I've been thankful that my AH was too blitzed to really remember them after the fact. I got some really good advice from folks here on boundaries: boundaries are for me; I don't have to communicate them if I don't want to; and if I'm going to communicate them, I should do it when I'm not ticked off or in reactive mode, and I should communicate them when my AH is sober. I backed off from the "OMG YOU'RE OUTTA HERE" directives because I couldn't stand behind them 100%. I communicated what I was comfortable communicating - that I have little patience left, I can't live long term with an alcoholic that's actively drinking, and my patience may run out very very soon so I suggested that AH start looking at alternative living arrangements to be safe. Those were things I was comfortable with.

Do you have to stick with what you said about his choices (drink & go, or don't drink & stay)? That's up to you. Some people may disagree with me, but I don't think you have to do it just because you said it. Yes, you may lose some face & credibility, but you need to do what you want to do. But his choice to keep drinking does show you where he's at right now. He's caught in the grip of a terrible disease, and you are too.

My best recommendation would be to put in your filter...if you're not ready to kick him out or leave, don't threaten it...it will just be seen as empty threats and can feed into the chaos. Take it day by day. If your safety isn't an issue, then it's okay to decide not to decide right now. Do what feels right, and just take care of you. Sending you strength, hope, and hugs. :hug: