Telling an alcoholic you love that it's over
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: southern appalachian mountains
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Telling an alcoholic you love that it's over
My husband of thrity-one years and I have been separated now for six weeks, and he wasn't drinking for a while, or so he said in our telephone communications. During that time I thought there was a chance he could recover and our future, in a year, might go back to what I had once hoped it would be. (The year is not arbitrary--NC law requires a year's separation before divorce can take place.) My husband is in outpatient rehabilitation, but he is drinking again. I could tell when we spoke a week ago, so I told him we are on our own entirely, and the "wait a year and see" deal is off.
He has also been unfaithful in the last horrible year, and so I think I just need to make decisions as if I am going to be alone for the rest of my life, especially since I am fifty and have been with only one man--my husband--since I was seventeen.
I have found several online help groups since there is no Al-Anon near me, and my church and family are also helping and supportive. I love my job, my grown daughter, and I am fit and smart as hell about everything except my husband. Any thoughts, Friends and Family of Alcoholics?
He has also been unfaithful in the last horrible year, and so I think I just need to make decisions as if I am going to be alone for the rest of my life, especially since I am fifty and have been with only one man--my husband--since I was seventeen.
I have found several online help groups since there is no Al-Anon near me, and my church and family are also helping and supportive. I love my job, my grown daughter, and I am fit and smart as hell about everything except my husband. Any thoughts, Friends and Family of Alcoholics?
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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Welcome to the forum, though I'm brand new here too. Sorry to hear about the dissolution of your marriage but your strength is admirable. I think the idea of being alone for the rest of our lives might be what keeps us hanging in there a little longer than it should sometimes, but with all that support around you, you won't be alone 
It could be a new beginning, if that's what you want, think of it that way. It could be a chance to discover who YOU are - not just a mother or wife, but an individual.
It could be a new beginning, if that's what you want, think of it that way. It could be a chance to discover who YOU are - not just a mother or wife, but an individual.
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You sound like my lovely daughter...
who reminded me that each relationship we are in for a while changes us, and that there are all kinds of things I don't know about myself because I have been in a marriage for all my adult years--and two of my teen-aged ones. I have already discovered that I like lipstick and outlaw country music with unpredictbale lyrics, so I guess I am in for an adventure.
Welcome to this forum, whoever you are. The people here have been so kind and helpful to me, and I am learning that strength comes from people I weill never know. You are now among them.
Dawn
Welcome to this forum, whoever you are. The people here have been so kind and helpful to me, and I am learning that strength comes from people I weill never know. You are now among them.
Dawn
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Join Date: Dec 2011
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I recommend getting the book "Courage to Change", as its what we use in alanon. i had it and read it every day for a full year before i attended a meeting and it helped me so much. Ive been married to my RAH for 29 years, and dated him since I was 15. So I know where your coming from. I was completely ready to leave the marriage and had an exit plan. I told my AH I'd rather be alone than in that kind of marriage, and I meant it!!! I even had been planning financially and had ideas of where I would live if he refused to leave if it came to that (all of which he knew nothing about, and still doesn't). I was DONE!!!!
Then, and only then he finally sought recovery. He has been sober for 4 years now and life is much better. But If he had not been totally and completely committed, I would have left. He mentioned after about 1 1/2 years sober that he couldn't promise he would never drink again, and my only response was that I would not be around to watch because I was NOT going back to that life.... And I won't.... And he knows it. It's not a threat, it's a fact.
Focus you YOU and what YOU need to do to create a happy life. You will know if and when it's time who walk away. You will have a moment of clarity... You have a whole beautiful life ahead of you, make if a great one. You deserve it! ((((((Hugs))))))
Then, and only then he finally sought recovery. He has been sober for 4 years now and life is much better. But If he had not been totally and completely committed, I would have left. He mentioned after about 1 1/2 years sober that he couldn't promise he would never drink again, and my only response was that I would not be around to watch because I was NOT going back to that life.... And I won't.... And he knows it. It's not a threat, it's a fact.
Focus you YOU and what YOU need to do to create a happy life. You will know if and when it's time who walk away. You will have a moment of clarity... You have a whole beautiful life ahead of you, make if a great one. You deserve it! ((((((Hugs))))))
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 17
Funnily enough my words came from I was trying to get my mum using an iPad today but she said she didn't have any need for it because her main hobbies are cooking for my dad, cleaning and praying for me and my sister! It was sad because she's a wonderful person, as you sound too, and capable of so much more as an individual.
I'm sure it's not easy to say the definite 'this is over' but putting yourself first now may well be the reward for what you've been through. He'd know it was coming, now or in a year. Do right by you - as people have said on this forum we've only got 1 life to live, it's no practis(c?)e run!
I'm sure it's not easy to say the definite 'this is over' but putting yourself first now may well be the reward for what you've been through. He'd know it was coming, now or in a year. Do right by you - as people have said on this forum we've only got 1 life to live, it's no practis(c?)e run!
Dear Euchella, you have soo much of life ahead of you to live!! You are just a young'un.Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
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My thoughts are just because you are fifty does not mean you'll be alone forever. As you said you have good qualities.
Work on those good qualities & build a happier healthier life for you.
Move forward one day at a time.
Work on those good qualities & build a happier healthier life for you.
Move forward one day at a time.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
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It's just too soon, Euchella, to reunite with him even if he was sober, even if he would go to counseling with you, even if he went to AA every day and did a 9th step amends to you and made an attempt to repair the infidelity.
It is too soon because he will still be unstable for quite a while, up to two years or maybe even more, even if today he got sober and stayed that way. There is so much damage--mental, emotional, spiritual--to the alcoholic and six weeks in a rehab or 6 months sober does not prepare him for the rebuilding of a shattered marriage and the intimacy and trust that would be necessary for that. Some may disagree with me, but many who have been involved with alcoholics in early recovery would not.
But of course, he isn't even sober. So there is little else you can do except make your plans for your individual needs and your return to your own mental and emotional health. (I'm glad physically you are well, because life with an alcoholic makes a lot of spouses quite ill).
My suggestion is to focus on your repair, and that would include--ideally--though you seem to think it wouldn't even be a possibility--choosing not to date for at minimum one year. So often women leave one addicted person and fall right in with another and very often not have a clue the new man is also an addict. Why this happens could probably make a very fine academic paper, but it does happen, and regularly. And people who treat codependents often recommend a year of no new relationships.
It is good you have built a support system, which is far more than many have done while married to an alcoholic or recently separated from one, because this allows you to be with people who do not have agendas for you (I hope) and allow you the freedom to be completely yourself.
Life runs in passages and now you are not at the ending of a life, but at the beginning of a new passage. This is a very rich passage you are entering, for you and the people you meet who are also in this passage, will be deeper, seasoned, humbled by life's failures, grateful for things you once took for granted, and perhaps more capable of intimacy than you ever were when you were lurching and stumbling through the early decades of adulthood.
Of course, these good things do not happen to people who are drunk, drugged, or involved with someone drunk or drugged. It happens to people who want meaning in their lives and want to grow in a deeper way. And there are many out there.
Your experience as the spouse of an alcoholic can be of help to others. I'm glad you are here at SR.
(And, dandylion, that makes 3 of us from the Appalachian mountains).
It is too soon because he will still be unstable for quite a while, up to two years or maybe even more, even if today he got sober and stayed that way. There is so much damage--mental, emotional, spiritual--to the alcoholic and six weeks in a rehab or 6 months sober does not prepare him for the rebuilding of a shattered marriage and the intimacy and trust that would be necessary for that. Some may disagree with me, but many who have been involved with alcoholics in early recovery would not.
But of course, he isn't even sober. So there is little else you can do except make your plans for your individual needs and your return to your own mental and emotional health. (I'm glad physically you are well, because life with an alcoholic makes a lot of spouses quite ill).
My suggestion is to focus on your repair, and that would include--ideally--though you seem to think it wouldn't even be a possibility--choosing not to date for at minimum one year. So often women leave one addicted person and fall right in with another and very often not have a clue the new man is also an addict. Why this happens could probably make a very fine academic paper, but it does happen, and regularly. And people who treat codependents often recommend a year of no new relationships.
It is good you have built a support system, which is far more than many have done while married to an alcoholic or recently separated from one, because this allows you to be with people who do not have agendas for you (I hope) and allow you the freedom to be completely yourself.
Life runs in passages and now you are not at the ending of a life, but at the beginning of a new passage. This is a very rich passage you are entering, for you and the people you meet who are also in this passage, will be deeper, seasoned, humbled by life's failures, grateful for things you once took for granted, and perhaps more capable of intimacy than you ever were when you were lurching and stumbling through the early decades of adulthood.
Of course, these good things do not happen to people who are drunk, drugged, or involved with someone drunk or drugged. It happens to people who want meaning in their lives and want to grow in a deeper way. And there are many out there.
Your experience as the spouse of an alcoholic can be of help to others. I'm glad you are here at SR.
(And, dandylion, that makes 3 of us from the Appalachian mountains).
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You, (English Garden), Thomas Merton and Psalms
Dear English Garden,
You responded kindly and honestly to a post I wrote over six months ago, when I was much more confused than I am now, and your response was then, just as now, seasoned and wise and sparkling with life. Thank you. As for the title of this, I am getting the same advice from all three of the sources in my title, so I'll take that as triage, and I'll run with it.
And I am not at all about leaping into another relationship, although I miss physical intimacy as well as conversations about movies, books, political ideas, the environment, my work, and God. I can get a lot of that from different sources, however, so I need not look for all of it in a new man, whether that be my husband two years down the road--although he will not be my husband then--nor someone new in my life. I can go with a solitary life for a long while.
Your response is one that I will go back and back to. Thank you once again.
You responded kindly and honestly to a post I wrote over six months ago, when I was much more confused than I am now, and your response was then, just as now, seasoned and wise and sparkling with life. Thank you. As for the title of this, I am getting the same advice from all three of the sources in my title, so I'll take that as triage, and I'll run with it.
And I am not at all about leaping into another relationship, although I miss physical intimacy as well as conversations about movies, books, political ideas, the environment, my work, and God. I can get a lot of that from different sources, however, so I need not look for all of it in a new man, whether that be my husband two years down the road--although he will not be my husband then--nor someone new in my life. I can go with a solitary life for a long while.
Your response is one that I will go back and back to. Thank you once again.
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Yes, I have a similar mother, but i don't want to lose myself to that degree, well, I don't want to lose myself at all, except in the fullness of living.
I hope you have as fine a life as your responses to me would indicate you deserve.
I hope you have as fine a life as your responses to me would indicate you deserve.
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Yours is an encouraging story, and I was preparing for the worst over a year ago, so I guess my blinders were only partially in place.
I wish you all the best, and I am grateful to you for responding so kindly and with such care.
I wish you all the best, and I am grateful to you for responding so kindly and with such care.
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Hey, English Garden, euchella, and to whomever it applies-----so pleased to learn of the Applachan Force, here, on the forum!The heart and tenacity of mountain folk has long been documented. "He** Yes", it has.
I wonder how many other rural mountain people we have??
curiously, dandylion
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Originally Posted by dandylion 
:
The heart and tenacity of mountain folk has long been documented. "He** Yes", it has.
I wonder how many other rural mountain people we have??
curiously, dandylion
The heart and tenacity of mountain folk has long been documented. "He** Yes", it has.
I wonder how many other rural mountain people we have??
curiously, dandylion
Agreed - "Hel1 yes, it has."
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 585
Hi Euchella - welcome to SR, but so sorry for what brought you here.
You sound like a strong woman with a good head on your shoulders and a healthy outlook. Good for you for seeking out what you like and what makes you happy. I think we can all learn a thing or two from you and your positive outlook.
Every day, every challenge brings new opportunities for learning and growth. Life is a journey. Sometimes, we'll get knocked off our path. Sometimes, the path disappears beneath our feet. But that's when we find our new paths. And who knows where that will lead?! It's scary and awful and wonderful all at the same time.
You don't have to make a decision right now about where you'll be in your relationship with your husband a year from now. My best advice would be to just be. Learn about yourself, grow, and keep on keeping on. Sounds like you're doing just that, and I applaud you for taking care of you.
Sending you strength, hope, and hugs.
You sound like a strong woman with a good head on your shoulders and a healthy outlook. Good for you for seeking out what you like and what makes you happy. I think we can all learn a thing or two from you and your positive outlook.
Every day, every challenge brings new opportunities for learning and growth. Life is a journey. Sometimes, we'll get knocked off our path. Sometimes, the path disappears beneath our feet. But that's when we find our new paths. And who knows where that will lead?! It's scary and awful and wonderful all at the same time.
You don't have to make a decision right now about where you'll be in your relationship with your husband a year from now. My best advice would be to just be. Learn about yourself, grow, and keep on keeping on. Sounds like you're doing just that, and I applaud you for taking care of you.
Sending you strength, hope, and hugs.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: deep south
Posts: 23
Hi Euchella,
I'm rather new here too, and at 57, delayed leaving because of the loneliness - but I did anyway. Almost 3 months ago.
He did go into recovery and is now sober for 5 weeks. A miracle, yes! But long enough? No. He is still messed up in his head bless him... and my head is messed up too. But I left him. And it does hurt.
I'm reading Melody Beattie, Codependent No More. I only have one option for Al-Anon in my area on Thursday nights, so someone else on here told me about online Al-Anon meetings. Today I have printed out the telephone schedule for all those meetings. I need something every day. I believe most of my pain is due to unmet expectations/resentment, and I just need to get rid of my own codependent issues, while he works on his alcoholism. But we're apart.
Anyway, google al-anon meetings online and the information should pop up . I hope all gets better for you too. ANd I am SO GLAD I found SR!!! I hope you will be too!
Kind Regards,
HappyTBH57
I'm rather new here too, and at 57, delayed leaving because of the loneliness - but I did anyway. Almost 3 months ago.
He did go into recovery and is now sober for 5 weeks. A miracle, yes! But long enough? No. He is still messed up in his head bless him... and my head is messed up too. But I left him. And it does hurt.
I'm reading Melody Beattie, Codependent No More. I only have one option for Al-Anon in my area on Thursday nights, so someone else on here told me about online Al-Anon meetings. Today I have printed out the telephone schedule for all those meetings. I need something every day. I believe most of my pain is due to unmet expectations/resentment, and I just need to get rid of my own codependent issues, while he works on his alcoholism. But we're apart.
Anyway, google al-anon meetings online and the information should pop up . I hope all gets better for you too. ANd I am SO GLAD I found SR!!! I hope you will be too!
Kind Regards,
HappyTBH57
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This kind of healthy prize just gave me a little, happy chill up my spine--or maybe it was the spring breeze coming down through the laurel hell just above my house.
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You are - we are - always on our own when it really comes down to it. So LOVE yourself and show yourself that you care. Buy yourself flowers and put them in a pretty vase.
And we aren't at all alone, because there's our higher power, whether it's readily apparent or not.
And we are all of us on this planet...together! In this crazy awkward beautiful state called being human.
I find I am no more alone without STBXAH than I was when we were living together. He was often a facsimile of support - but not really THERE either.
There's good times and hard times ahead. But when things are hard, for me at least I thank God that they are at least honest. No more pretense.
All my best to you.
And we aren't at all alone, because there's our higher power, whether it's readily apparent or not.
And we are all of us on this planet...together! In this crazy awkward beautiful state called being human.
I find I am no more alone without STBXAH than I was when we were living together. He was often a facsimile of support - but not really THERE either.
There's good times and hard times ahead. But when things are hard, for me at least I thank God that they are at least honest. No more pretense.
All my best to you.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
please give yourself a little credit/perspective...
..."alone for the rest of your life." Really? I, very respectfully, call BS on that. And, if you are, then it will only be because you choose to be. Being without a significant other, despite what Hallmark says, is not being alone.
Lastly, I'd rather be alone (as in Castaway alone) then live with an alcoholic. And I do live with one.
Take care,
Cyranoak
Lastly, I'd rather be alone (as in Castaway alone) then live with an alcoholic. And I do live with one.
Take care,
Cyranoak
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