MyEternity

I have been feeling suicidal for the past couple of days, called a suicide help line but didn't really get any help or anyone that could understand what I'm feeling and going through, I just want to thank all of you for your time and compassion, thank you.

Recovering2

A's are master manipulators. Those of us who fall in love with an A get pulled in before we even understand what's happening. We look at their behavior and try to find answers. But you can't look at an insane situation and find sanity. There is no logic to what they do. His behavior is NOT about you. It is NOT about you. A's have one true love...alcohol. This guy sounds like he has issues beyond addiction. He is showing you who he is...believe him.

You are worthy of a peaceful happy life. Go to AlAnon and find that face to face support. Don't try to analyze his behaviors. Let it go and work on your own health. Block him from emailing or calling you. Set boundaries for yourself. If you do, I promise you'll be posting on here in the future talking about how good you're feeling and how glad you are that you moved on.

brokenrose

MyEternity, please honey, listen to me...it scared me this morning to read this post.Your life is precious and it is so hard to start over but please it can be done.....give it time, let the feelings wash over you, surround yourself with people that love you......go to the doctor asap and ask for some meds if you have to......not sure if you know this about me but 6 months before I met exabf, my husband of 8 years came home and out of the blue told me he was leaving me, he abandoned our son and I, he moved in with a girl he had been having an affair with at work and they are still together......my world collapsed, I went from having everything (we both are well educated and well paid, he was not an addict in any way) to being a single mom trying to make it on my own. My family immediately stepped in and took over, they made a doc appt the next day and she put me on antidepressants so I could function....I had a little boy of only 4 to raise plus I'm a teacher and had to be in front of children everyday......I too had suicidal thoughts but I just reached out to somebody, even a neighbour one day just to feel not so alone, and slowly it got better. unfortunately because I was still broken, I then got together with exabf and 1.5 years later he abandoned me too and severed all contact.....but I've surivived. I'm doing okay. Life is precious, I don't know how old you are, I am 40, I thought my life was over.....but its not. Please please talk to your family or to a friend and get some help......your ex is the one with the problem, not you. You have a full life ahead of you without the crutch of addiction bearing you down like he does.....pm whenever, pleasse stay strong, i am praying for you today. Keep posting, we will walk with you......Hugs from Canada

CeciliaV

MyEternity - your pain must feel overwhelming right now, but you can make it through. I know you said you have no family/support network nearby, but are there friends or family you can call? Please, reach out. We're pulling for you. Keeping you in my thoughts today.

DreamsofSerenity

Hi MyEternity,

I agree with Brokenrose: get yourself to a doctor and get some meds. Do anything you can to get yourself out of your current state of mind: reach out to your friends and family and do something spiritual (whatever appeals to you). Your life is precious, and furthermore, it is precious to US. We care about you, and you are not alone.

Hugs and Strength

dandylion

Dear myEternity, can you get to a medical doctor? Can you go to a neighbor or anywhere to be in the presence of other people?--even if it is the library or park. Presence of other people is really essential. You can get through this with a little help. Most all of us have felt like this at some ti me in our lives.

I am glad that you came here---stay in touch and let us know how you are doing.

very sincerely, dandylion

fairlyuncertain

My Eternity, I was also devastated by an alcoholic. I know what you're going through and there is a happy future out there for you!

Reading the posts on SR about AVRT, about how to conquer and shut down the 'addictive voice' helped me soooo much....for a's, its the voice that says, 'oh, you aren't even going to drink champagne at the wedding? You'll never make it a week, might as well just finish this last bottle, etc....'
I have a voice like that. Except it says 'maybe he was right, he was so wonderful, what's wrong with me, why can't I get it right, if I leave him I'll never have the family I dreamed of, or I've already invested so much....'
Sounds like you're having some of those thoughts, too.

It really helped me tell my depressing thoughts to go F*** themselves. You'll get through this. Alcoholics can be sneaky and mind-blowingly cruel. It's not you. They are robots running on ethanol, sometimes. Good luck!

Avalon393

I can definitely relate to the pain you feel from his disappearing acts. That is one of my exabf's favorite tricks. I know it is hard to do this while in the midst of the chaos, but I would ask yourself whether you actually love him for who he really is, or if you love him for who you thought/ hoped he was. My exabf's continually showed me who he really was, but I chose not to believe him, until He forced me to. Just know everything will be okay in the end. & good luck!

Avalon393

Sorry... Just read your most recent post. I can so feel your pain. I was just in that same state of mind a week ago over Easter. I lost 7 pounds. My poor family didn't know what to do with me and we're scared to leave me alone. It is amazing what even just a weeks time will do. Just hold on tight. Pray. Go for a drive. Listen to profound & moving music. Keep busy. Post on here, these people helped me the entire way through it. Don't be afraid to tell everyone what your truly feeling. And cry as much as you need to. These will be your hardest days. Please PM me if you'd like to talk.

kasie

MyEternity,

So many of us here have been where you are. I know what it's like to have your self esteem crushed, be made to feel like you're not worth anything, etc. it's cruel, heartbreaking and I still have trouble with it.

What I do know, however, is that that is exactly the way As operate. They manipulate, control an cant stand it when they're losing it.

Someone very wise once told me the following, and it's something I truly believe:

'No one has the right to make you feel inferior without your consent' - spoken by none other than Eleanor Roosevelt.

Regain your own strength, control and power over your own life. No one should be able to take that away from you, you're too precious, amazing and special and have so much to offer the world.

Sending you lots of hugs and strength xoxo

BoxinRotz

When he comes back, turn his cheating a$$ around and show him the door and tell him to go pound sand.

MyEternity

Thank you very much to all of you for your care and love, I cannot express enough gratitude for help and guidance as I just feel like giving it all up. I see myself in every one of your posts and your experiences, like many of you my life before meeting ABF hasn't been the easiest and I already had endured many losses and painful events, this latest blow when I finally thought things would turn around for me is being more than I can feel I can take. I don't have any family or friends that can't be a support system and have no one I can really talk to, my mental and emotional pain is as strong as the physical pain I'm feeling, the heart break and pain are extreme, it's one of the hardest times in my life and I feel totally lost and pieces.

I have struggled with trust issues for years and for the first time in a long time I opened up and trusted someone ( ABF ) with some of my most deep pains and things I had endured, only to find out now that he told many of this things that were literally scared to me and very personal to some of these women he has been involved with, some of this things have to do with sexual nature and I had deeply trusted him with it as I never had with anyone else, the thoughts of this random people knowing about such things from my life is devastating and the feelings of betrayal are beyond anything I can describe, I can't seem to see any hope left.

Avalon393

My eternity- I too told my xabf way too many personal things. But I think anyone sane that listens to his "quacking" about you, Secrets or not...will question him and his overall morals more than anything else. Put him behind you and try To practice positive thoughts. When you are feeling bad, stop and ask yourself if those thoughts are productive or necessary. You are Beyond powerful. look at what you've made it through so far? You CAN get past this. Just don't give HIM your power any more. Your worth loving & You can have the life you want, with someone who appreciates you for YOU.

wicked

yes, we are like you MyEternity. I can hear how much pain you are in.
Please remember that just because you picked someone who is so dishonorable as to share your secrets, that does not make you the loser, or the bad person.

From now on, you can make different choices.


I had to learn how to make better choices. I chose two men who I think (after therapy and many meetings) never liked me. The thing that was an aha moment for me was when someone said that relationships were not supposed to be such a struggle. A struggle that I felt miserable about all the time.
The best thing I learned is that I can choose differently.

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. This pain you have is bad. I hear you clearly on that. I have been there. Please do not give up. There is a good life waiting for you.


I am glad you came here today.
Please see a doctor. A healthy choice to start taking care of you.

Beth

LexieCat

Eternity,

i hope you will find an Al-Anon group and start attending, regularly. All of us felt as devastated as you feel now. My Al-Anon groups were my support system. Imagine a group full of people like us, who can give you in-person hugs and support, and can help you to feel good about yourself and your life again.

And please see a doctor about the suicidal thoughts. Your life isn't over. You CAN find happiness again.

Hugs,