Need some insight on things?
 

I know there isn't a magical equation to answer every problem but I wanted to see what you guys think on some things. I know someone can't TELL me what the right thing to do is, I just want to hear about other people's experiences and thoughts.

I'm the one telling my A that he shouldn't be drinking but what do I do if I want to drink a few every now and then. I'm not the one with the drinking problem but isn't it hypocritical to turn around and do what your asking him NOT to do?

And what if the A says he's changing and is going to counseling and taking the steps to change but wants to have a few drinks. He's not getting drunk, he's not spending every dime on booze, he's not staying out at all hours of the night, he's not being verbally abusive...you guys get the drift. But he still wants to socially drink. Can an A handle that? Or do most of the time do they go back to their old ways?

What if his ENTIRE family and nearly every friend is an A? I'm not exaggerating. He can't swear off every family member and every friend. And every one of them will say "come have a drink with me" "one won't hurt". I know the A has to be responsibile for his own actions and make his own decisions but is it a good idea to encourage the A not to be around those people? How do you tell someone they should NOT spend time with their mom, dad, grandma, brother, sister and the list can go on and on.........

Thanks for listening and thanks for the insights!

Re: Need some insight on things?
 

Hey anonlily,
It is confusing to start learning about alcoholism; what it does with the alcoholic, the effect it has on those who love them, the reason we are in the messes we get in. Until someone is ready to change, no amount of pleading, begging, pushing, arguing, or supporting is going to do any good. That is not just with alcoholism, but with any human being. What I think is good for someone else may not be. I want things to be a certain way for my own benefit. It is not my responsibility to live anybodies life other than my own. The alcoholic has to decide for themself when and if they are going to be totally abstinate. Some never are. If they want to be, they will be, no matter who else is drinking. That is only an excuse as to why they are drinking. I know many alcoholics that work and socialize around alcohol and it doesn't bother them. It is a manipulation for anyone to blame you for something they chose to do. If you don't have a problem, why should you feel guilty? Does the whole world have to quit for an alcoholic to quit? No. If you feel guilty and confused, abused and treated poorly, you may want to take a look at why. No one can beat me up emotionally unless you have already beat myself up. Reading Alanon literature, and co dependent literature has helped me to change how I view things in my life. Life is 10% what happens to me, and 90% how I perceive it. Hugs, Magic

Re: Need some insight on things?
 

The questions you are asking are things that he has to figure out for himself. He will be the one to decide whether he can or can not spend time with his family if they're drinking. He will be the one to decide whether he can handle a couple of drinks now and then or not. Turn his choices over to him. It's a lot, lot, lot, lot, easier that way.
Hugs - L

Re: Need some insight on things?
 

my ah tried that, tried to drink socially and for him he went back to his old ways. he tried and tried to handle his drinking, he even quit for 8 months but the minute i left for a vacation he felt he had to sneak and go get drunk. he drank smoked marijuana and did cocaine until 9:00 the next morning, thinking i wouldn't find out. it was just building up inside of him to go and get drunk. it's too bad though becuz that was the last day of him living with me. he has been gone 7 weeks now and i refuse to live with an alcoholic, especially because i have an 18 month old and i do not want her growing up in an alcoholic environment. i have a hard time with him not here but deep down i know it is the best choice ever. i am very depressed at times because it seems like he is having a good time. he's out all the time with his new girlfriend partying. but he is sick. now that i understand alcoholism i understand him a little more as to why he is destroying his life. i will not let my life be destroyed anymore. 10 years of alcoholism was enough. there was a lot of hurt, crying, sadness, anger and financial instability. it is a crazy life living with alcoholism.

Re: Need some insight on things?
 

Your A has to figure those things out for himself. You can only take care of you.

No, your A will never be able to drink socially, take it from a recovering A.

If he ever were to stop drinking he would eventually be able to see his family but not right away.

Again he nees to figure that out for himself.

Ngaire