What happens now, now that I know how bad the addiction is?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Dublin, Ireland
Posts: 9
What happens now, now that I know how bad the addiction is?
Hi there everyone
I'm new to the forum a prob a little further a field than most of you but doing my research a few nights back I came across the forum and found the advice very useful on it so decided to join.
Here is my story & how I got to join:
My husband as he points out regularly to me has always since I've known him had a drink nearly every night (his parents do the same) he would go to the pub with at last orders & have 2/3 pints & come home have a milky coffee & go to bed, what bugged me the most was the cost of drinking out & him leaving the house @ 11.25pm, why not go out at 9 for a few do we could go to bed together (I'm sick of going to bed alone) well I quickly stopped encouraging that cause he's just stay out til close to realised it was best for him to just go for the few.
Somewhere alone the way he discovered his love of Gin & Tonic & liked to end his night on this or would happily have a few at home so at least he wasn't off out 7 nights a week - which was my pet hate
Anyway over the years then he'd go for his 3 pints & then come home & drink enough gin that he'd pass out on couch with glass in hand - now u must admit that after a few years this stopped - I'm not sure if it's anything I said or did but I reckon it's cause he'd get far more grief from me over drinking when he wasn't even making it to bed so he always always makes it to bed.
How drunk he gets I don't know I'm asleep & he as coming to bed without waking me to a tee but also I've stopped paying any head to all that as it winds me up & I can't sleep.
Back in feb last year we'd a cancer scare with him & he became quite ill however after tests etc we realised it was not physical it was mental ill health, due serious debt & them circling in on him I believe he'd a melt down. It was a very hard time but my firm belief was that all these issues were down to drink as the stress of the situation his drinking at night really escalated.
For the first time in 17 years I realised NO I can't live like this forever, he always told me he needed to drink to sleep that due to stress (separation from 1st wife, the stress on him & the kids, the divorce) when all they were done then the story became its a bad habit he needed to break then it became I just like a drink (yes love thanks I kinda know that, that's the prob) so for the 1st time & I meant it I told him if the drinking kept at this level we are done
It took a while to sink in but it did & we get down to 3 nights a week & I was happy with that - I had no reason to believe he was actually an alcoholic (nor did I want him to be cause of the major implications that would have on his life & mine)
However a few months bag I knew by his behaviour & mannerisms that he was drinking most night again but could not find the booze
3 weeks ago I came downstairs to talk to him & I found him in the garden retrieving his vodka (a drink he never drank)
My devastation I felt at this was immense cause now I knew..
The next morning before work I removed all booze from
The house, through looking on line in where AH hide their booze I found some empty bottles on the boots of the cars.
I felt my world was falling apart.
I eventually calmed down & wanted to see what he'd do & say
Turned out he was happy I knew now & he told me he'd not hide his drink he'd drink when he wanted & how much he wanted & that he's sure he'd drink less (yeah right love)
So I told him again it's me or the booze
He's drank from that night to this (apart from 3 nights due to illness)
But from this site I'm saying nothing to him about now since Tuesday, I'm leaving him to it & I'm going to look after me because as I've said to him his drinking is affecting every part of my life & I'm miserable.
But finally here's my question:
I love my husband. I don't want my marriage to end but realistically if he never admits he had a problem & doesn't get help will I be able to really stay?
Only 33 I want a sex life but I won't sleep with him when he's drink on him or the next morning because let's face it the response isn't always efficient, can I truly impose a condition of when you've not drank cause at the moment that will mean we'll never have it. Can a marriage really work when you know there's a prob & he won't do anything?
In going to the al meeting next week.. I've told him this he looked like is kick him in the teeth than for mad & said let's not talk about this..
I'm new to the forum a prob a little further a field than most of you but doing my research a few nights back I came across the forum and found the advice very useful on it so decided to join.
Here is my story & how I got to join:
My husband as he points out regularly to me has always since I've known him had a drink nearly every night (his parents do the same) he would go to the pub with at last orders & have 2/3 pints & come home have a milky coffee & go to bed, what bugged me the most was the cost of drinking out & him leaving the house @ 11.25pm, why not go out at 9 for a few do we could go to bed together (I'm sick of going to bed alone) well I quickly stopped encouraging that cause he's just stay out til close to realised it was best for him to just go for the few.
Somewhere alone the way he discovered his love of Gin & Tonic & liked to end his night on this or would happily have a few at home so at least he wasn't off out 7 nights a week - which was my pet hate
Anyway over the years then he'd go for his 3 pints & then come home & drink enough gin that he'd pass out on couch with glass in hand - now u must admit that after a few years this stopped - I'm not sure if it's anything I said or did but I reckon it's cause he'd get far more grief from me over drinking when he wasn't even making it to bed so he always always makes it to bed.
How drunk he gets I don't know I'm asleep & he as coming to bed without waking me to a tee but also I've stopped paying any head to all that as it winds me up & I can't sleep.
Back in feb last year we'd a cancer scare with him & he became quite ill however after tests etc we realised it was not physical it was mental ill health, due serious debt & them circling in on him I believe he'd a melt down. It was a very hard time but my firm belief was that all these issues were down to drink as the stress of the situation his drinking at night really escalated.
For the first time in 17 years I realised NO I can't live like this forever, he always told me he needed to drink to sleep that due to stress (separation from 1st wife, the stress on him & the kids, the divorce) when all they were done then the story became its a bad habit he needed to break then it became I just like a drink (yes love thanks I kinda know that, that's the prob) so for the 1st time & I meant it I told him if the drinking kept at this level we are done
It took a while to sink in but it did & we get down to 3 nights a week & I was happy with that - I had no reason to believe he was actually an alcoholic (nor did I want him to be cause of the major implications that would have on his life & mine)
However a few months bag I knew by his behaviour & mannerisms that he was drinking most night again but could not find the booze
3 weeks ago I came downstairs to talk to him & I found him in the garden retrieving his vodka (a drink he never drank)
My devastation I felt at this was immense cause now I knew..
The next morning before work I removed all booze from
The house, through looking on line in where AH hide their booze I found some empty bottles on the boots of the cars.
I felt my world was falling apart.
I eventually calmed down & wanted to see what he'd do & say
Turned out he was happy I knew now & he told me he'd not hide his drink he'd drink when he wanted & how much he wanted & that he's sure he'd drink less (yeah right love)
So I told him again it's me or the booze
He's drank from that night to this (apart from 3 nights due to illness)
But from this site I'm saying nothing to him about now since Tuesday, I'm leaving him to it & I'm going to look after me because as I've said to him his drinking is affecting every part of my life & I'm miserable.
But finally here's my question:
I love my husband. I don't want my marriage to end but realistically if he never admits he had a problem & doesn't get help will I be able to really stay?
Only 33 I want a sex life but I won't sleep with him when he's drink on him or the next morning because let's face it the response isn't always efficient, can I truly impose a condition of when you've not drank cause at the moment that will mean we'll never have it. Can a marriage really work when you know there's a prob & he won't do anything?
In going to the al meeting next week.. I've told him this he looked like is kick him in the teeth than for mad & said let's not talk about this..
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 170
I can say that my AH is in his 60s and refuses to get help. He enjoys drinking and doesn't see it as a problem. He's at the point now where he has blackouts and his personality has entirely changed as his alcoholism has progressed not to mention the amount of money spent to support his daily habit. It's really hard to have a relationship with someone who isn't emotionally available for you. You'll find lots of good advice on the board and Al-Anon will help you too. I'm glad you found these boards.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
Hi LD, and welcome.
I'm sorry that you're going through all of this. I'd suggest that you keep reading--there's a lot of wisdom on these boards and it's great that you're planning on going to an Alanon meeting also.
Keep coming back~
posie
I'm sorry that you're going through all of this. I'd suggest that you keep reading--there's a lot of wisdom on these boards and it's great that you're planning on going to an Alanon meeting also.
Keep coming back~
posie
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
No in my experience and reading others when the problem is alcoholism it is doubtful that you can have a fulfilling marriage.
The resentments caused by the disease build up - the non -alcoholic partner always having to deal with the issues caused by the alcoholism as well as a less than fulfilling marriage (I.e. no sex life and so on). The disease is also progressive so it only gets worse with time. There is no managing it or controlling it. The alcohol becomes the single most important thing in the marriage because the alcoholic puts it first. The non alcoholic ends up living "through" the alcohol - events can't be planned or are cancelled, vacations ruined, embarrassed by behavior, lies, deceit, promises broken.
Its a very, very hard way to live. There are people who do it. I dont believe I have ever read of anyone (on here anyway) that has chosen to stay with their alcoholic and has a satisfying life.
Glad you are going to Al Anon is is the life saver - it will help you so much. Stay on here too - read and post often. Sorry you are going through this.
The resentments caused by the disease build up - the non -alcoholic partner always having to deal with the issues caused by the alcoholism as well as a less than fulfilling marriage (I.e. no sex life and so on). The disease is also progressive so it only gets worse with time. There is no managing it or controlling it. The alcohol becomes the single most important thing in the marriage because the alcoholic puts it first. The non alcoholic ends up living "through" the alcohol - events can't be planned or are cancelled, vacations ruined, embarrassed by behavior, lies, deceit, promises broken.
Its a very, very hard way to live. There are people who do it. I dont believe I have ever read of anyone (on here anyway) that has chosen to stay with their alcoholic and has a satisfying life.
Glad you are going to Al Anon is is the life saver - it will help you so much. Stay on here too - read and post often. Sorry you are going through this.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 494
Hi LD0810. At your age I had been married 3 years and I also knew there was a problem. Knew it before my wedding truth be told. In my experience, monitoring his drinking, emptying out the bottles etc. really had no effect.
I came close to leaving him in the year after we were married and he did sober up, for several years. Then he relapsed, sobered up for a time, relapsed again...the periods of sobriety in between drinking years became shorter.
Once we had children I felt trapped. I could not both work and afford day care and felt I had no choice but to stay with him, which I did, for another 15+ extremely difficult years. Fast forward to now, he recently lost his job (drinking during the days now). I'm not sure I will have the support he promised for our childrens' college educations. I am two years separated from him (recently divorced), and have spent the past 3 years trying to help my daughter through her anxiety and depression, having grown up with a father whose first love is the bottle, not his children.
Just a preview for you. Sorry I can't be more positive. You've done a lot for yourself already in coming here and making plans to attend meetings. Be well.
I came close to leaving him in the year after we were married and he did sober up, for several years. Then he relapsed, sobered up for a time, relapsed again...the periods of sobriety in between drinking years became shorter.
Once we had children I felt trapped. I could not both work and afford day care and felt I had no choice but to stay with him, which I did, for another 15+ extremely difficult years. Fast forward to now, he recently lost his job (drinking during the days now). I'm not sure I will have the support he promised for our childrens' college educations. I am two years separated from him (recently divorced), and have spent the past 3 years trying to help my daughter through her anxiety and depression, having grown up with a father whose first love is the bottle, not his children.
Just a preview for you. Sorry I can't be more positive. You've done a lot for yourself already in coming here and making plans to attend meetings. Be well.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by Santa 
Hi LD0810. At your age I had been married 3 years and I also knew there was a problem. Knew it before my wedding truth be told. In my experience, monitoring his drinking, emptying out the bottles etc. really had no effect.
I came close to leaving him in the year after we were married and he did sober up, for several years. Then he relapsed, sobered up for a time, relapsed again...the periods of sobriety in between drinking years became shorter.
Once we had children I felt trapped. I could not both work and afford day care and felt I had no choice but to stay with him, which I did, for another 15+ extremely difficult years. Fast forward to now, he recently lost his job (drinking during the days now). I'm not sure I will have the support he promised for our childrens' college educations. I am two years separated from him (recently divorced), and have spent the past 3 years trying to help my daughter through her anxiety and depression, having grown up with a father whose first love is the bottle, not his children.
Just a preview for you. Sorry I can't be more positive. You've done a lot for yourself already in coming here and making plans to attend meetings. Be well.
I came close to leaving him in the year after we were married and he did sober up, for several years. Then he relapsed, sobered up for a time, relapsed again...the periods of sobriety in between drinking years became shorter.
Once we had children I felt trapped. I could not both work and afford day care and felt I had no choice but to stay with him, which I did, for another 15+ extremely difficult years. Fast forward to now, he recently lost his job (drinking during the days now). I'm not sure I will have the support he promised for our childrens' college educations. I am two years separated from him (recently divorced), and have spent the past 3 years trying to help my daughter through her anxiety and depression, having grown up with a father whose first love is the bottle, not his children.
Just a preview for you. Sorry I can't be more positive. You've done a lot for yourself already in coming here and making plans to attend meetings. Be well.
Santa laid out a very common life I see regularly around here. The fact that you can't even get him to admit there is a problem doesn't bode well for your future together. I agree that pouring out the alcohol doesn't work. Giving him ultimatums often don't work either, but there is no reason why, if you are ready, to give him one last chance before you head out the door for good.
The thing is - stopping drinking is only the first step. There is so much more involved. For many here - just stopping - seems like the magical cure all to a bad relationship. Early recovery/sobriety is often just as much a roller coaster than drinking.
Luckily for you, you don't have to make any immediate decisions. Try to take one day at a time.
Hugs to you - I'll never forget that sinking feeling of realizing I was in way over my head.
Keep coming back!
~T
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Dublin, Ireland
Posts: 9
Hey guys
Thanks so much for all the kind words
We have 2 beautiful children together aged 11 & 6
It's because of them & that I haven't totally given up that I'm still plus I'm a full time midwifery student going into my final year which means placement in other parts of the country & I can't do it if I'm single
So I'm prepared to stick it out til then.
The kids are blissfully unaware in the main as I'd the more active parent anyway (my husband is older than me) plus he only drinks so late & does get home & do all the school stuff & homework & dinner when I'm on the wards & in college
He is very supportive of me. Plus my dad died suddenly from cancer 2 years back nearly & he was such my rock & I see now that it prob added to his drinking
He has let the business go due to depression so we on state benefits now so again I think this will & is only making ghd situation worse
I wish I didn't love him & then I think do I really love this man or the man I used to live with
I just keep waiting for him to come back but he doesn't
He doesnt care if I'm happy (and he used to be so into that) and of course from reading here to I know that I'm the bad guy, I'm the one with the mental health issues, I'm the evil one
God the way he talks about me know is so far from the truth but I know he needs to believe I'm that person..
Thanks so much for all the kind words
We have 2 beautiful children together aged 11 & 6
It's because of them & that I haven't totally given up that I'm still plus I'm a full time midwifery student going into my final year which means placement in other parts of the country & I can't do it if I'm single
So I'm prepared to stick it out til then.
The kids are blissfully unaware in the main as I'd the more active parent anyway (my husband is older than me) plus he only drinks so late & does get home & do all the school stuff & homework & dinner when I'm on the wards & in college
He is very supportive of me. Plus my dad died suddenly from cancer 2 years back nearly & he was such my rock & I see now that it prob added to his drinking
He has let the business go due to depression so we on state benefits now so again I think this will & is only making ghd situation worse
I wish I didn't love him & then I think do I really love this man or the man I used to live with
I just keep waiting for him to come back but he doesn't
He doesnt care if I'm happy (and he used to be so into that) and of course from reading here to I know that I'm the bad guy, I'm the one with the mental health issues, I'm the evil one
God the way he talks about me know is so far from the truth but I know he needs to believe I'm that person..
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
The kids are blissfully unaware
Plus my dad died suddenly from cancer 2 years back nearly & he was such my rock & I see now that it prob added to his drinking
I wish I didn't love him & then I think do I really love this man or the man I used to live with
I just keep waiting for him to come back but he doesn't
He doesnt care if I'm happy (and he used to be so into that) and of course from reading here to I know that I'm the bad guy, I'm the one with the mental health issues, I'm the evil one
God the way he talks about me know is so far from the truth but I know he needs to believe I'm that person..
I just keep waiting for him to come back but he doesn't
He doesnt care if I'm happy (and he used to be so into that) and of course from reading here to I know that I'm the bad guy, I'm the one with the mental health issues, I'm the evil one
God the way he talks about me know is so far from the truth but I know he needs to believe I'm that person..
My XAH said once that being married to me was "torture". *shaking my head* I can guarantee it was only torture when I put my foot down on living with a drunk and having a drunk around my kids. I bet, for him, that was torture! And you know what? It is NOT my problem.
You know who you are as a person. Don't ever forget that. When he goes after you in full blown character assassination mode, picture him just a giant bottle of alcohol with a mouth, because its the booze talking.
You have a bright future ahead of you. And you do have choices. Lots of single parents around here who are very successful at it (myself included). Keep coming back!
Peace,
~T
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
My heart goes out to you. You've personally seen the progression of the disease, which will continue to get worse. There's nothing you can say or do that will affect your husband's drinking. If you want any kind of healthy relationship you must find a mentally healthy person. I hope you have Alanon nearby, it saved my life.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
If we always do what we've always done...
...even when it is shown that it doesn't work we would still be:
The whole, "my family has always done it" thing is just more alcoholic ********.
You already know this.
Please start Alanon ASAP and learn how to live your life when it has been affected by somebody else's drinking.
Take care,
Cyranoak
P.s. I used to say my daughter was unaware. She was only four when it got bad. She's 17 now. She was VERY aware. My denial just couldn't admit I was exposing my daughter to such disfunction. It hurt her very badly. What I'm talking about is not just my wife's drinking, but my failure to protect her from it. I was far more interested in protecting my wife and living in deep denial about both the problem, and the damage it was causing.
- Treating injuries by blood letting
- Traveling across country by foot and horse
- Cutting off body parts when they are infected
- Going out to the outhouse when we have to make
- Spreading news using smoke signals
The whole, "my family has always done it" thing is just more alcoholic ********.
You already know this.
Please start Alanon ASAP and learn how to live your life when it has been affected by somebody else's drinking.
Take care,
Cyranoak
P.s. I used to say my daughter was unaware. She was only four when it got bad. She's 17 now. She was VERY aware. My denial just couldn't admit I was exposing my daughter to such disfunction. It hurt her very badly. What I'm talking about is not just my wife's drinking, but my failure to protect her from it. I was far more interested in protecting my wife and living in deep denial about both the problem, and the damage it was causing.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 121
I'm sorry for your situation. I think as a person living with an active Alcoholic, one of the hardest things to do is to decide whether to stay or leave the relationship. I know that there are ways of staying in the relationship- if that's what you choose, without being so emotionally connected, some of those ways (detachment) can be learned through alanon. It's not easy to do, and I am no shining example, but I am still married for now. Is it the marriage I dreamed of? No way, but it works for me right now where I am at emotionally with all this wonderful stuff. We all have to decide for ourselves, in our own time, and the best way to do that is by educating ourselves about the disease- attend some alanon meetings, read about it, and ask questions. The support here is great. I wish you the best.
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