HopefulmomtoD

Sad day today. We lost another friend/neighbor to addiction yesterday. In my little cul de sac of homes, its the second death in as many years. I live in an middle/upper middle class neighborhood and the amount of parents dealing with addictions (that I know of ...) of their children is astonishing.

I don't know what the answer is. Or, what should/can be done to help solve the problem.

Obviously, the war on drugs/"just say no" didn't do much in our little microcosm of the world. These are kids that are fortunate enough to have had the opportunities to do anything with their lives. Yet they couldn't resist the pull of addiction.

UGH.

dandylion

Dear HpoefulmomtoD, I have observed the same phenom among the children of privilege.

Hopeful mom, this world is a sea mile different than when we were kids. Parenting has also changed as the environment that we live in has changed. Among other things, kids are more exposed to dangers than ever before.

I believe that kids with affluent parents often have more freedoms available to them. If they are having any problems during these years (all kids have SOME adjustment issues) then they are at risk to being very influenced by their peer group. Peer group acceptance feels like life, itself, to teenagers.So, if the peers that they are exposed to are doing drug, alcohol, sex or other risky behaviors, and happen to offer acceptance--kids are drawn to them like moth to a flame.

Upwardly- mobile parents often are driven by career demands, frazzled, and spread paper thin. Also, the desire to be cool and liked by their teens. For many reasons, I think that family closeness and and boundries and family-centered living is given short shrift.

One could write a sociology book on this subject, of course (LOL), but these are a few thoughts that I have on the subject.......

sincerely, dandylion

HopefulmomtoD

I appreciate your thoughts, dandylion.

I have heard it said that the high schools in the more affluent neighborhoods have worse drug problems- because the kids have the disposable income to buy them. So, perhaps, more ability to purchase drugs, and more exposures to the drugs, to the same amount of troubled kids and we end up with more troubled teens/addicts? (Or, is the rate of addiction really higher? IDK ...)

I was fortunate enough to stay home most of the time with my kids. They had many opportunities but were not by any means "spoiled". Hah, I really though I was a good parent (and I probably [I]was[I]). Don't necessarily feel like it now though.

It does make me rethink the importance of parenting, lol. We made sure to buy a house in the right school district, get our kids involved in activities, encouraged them, blah, blah, blah.

It seems like my son had the "perfect" childhood. In the end, does it really matter?

dandylion

Dear hopefulmom, I have had the same experience. I did have to work, though. My childrens' father (my first husband) was a narcissistic jerk and I divorced him early (my oldest had just turned 6yrs.). I was deveted to my children and we were very close to each other. Their dad barely gave any support and had only limited contact with the children. I married a wonderful man who dearly loved the children and we lived in a very nice neighborhood in the D.C. suburbs. They had kindness, we spent lots of time together, they had family responsibilities and family rules---dinner every night together, etc...everything that I thought was important. I thought my example was the most important thing I could give them.

Guess what?? They have turned out to be carbon copies of the guy that hardly ever saw them and didn't help support them!!! It is like I was just the incubator. Go figure!!

I think that the reality is that we don't have control of all the factors in our children's lives and they do have free will. We have been taught by this culture that any problems that kids have could have been prevented by more perfect parents--specifically more perfect mothers. We have been misled by this.

sincerely, dandylion

HopefulmomtoD

Maybe its good I was so naive when they were little. I really enjoyed those years and the bliss I had .....

Seren

I'm so sorry to hear about this loss. I really do hate this disease! My thoughts and prayers are with this young person and to the family.

tjp613

Please pass along our sympathies to your neighbors...... tell them we understand and we are praying for their serenity.

dandylion

Dear Hopefulmom, I also cherish their growin-up years. I so loved being their mother and have such cherished memories. I wouldn't trade that part for anything. They also, even speak of the good times that we had.

I feel the same way that you do.

I think that genetics plays a far greater role than I ever considered.

I am so sorry for the family that lives in your neighborhood. My heart goes out to them.

sincerely, dandylion

Santa

I agree with this 100%. There are a great many teens in my affluent town with drug and drinking problems. There are also a great many in the working class town 5 miles away.

It would be comforting to think that if we stay humble and drive our old cars (I do that anyway - 1999 and it's paid for so why not?) and stay home for our kids (I've worked out of my home office for 15 years), everything will be okay.

The reality is that despite my vigilance, my oldest started acting out in high school (drinking and smoking) and spent senior year so anxious and depressed that there were days she could not even get out of bed and make it to school. Something about having an alcoholic father didn't make her feel so good about herself. Three+ years of therapy and she still has panic attacks but she is in college and pulling herself together.

Just like with adults, we can't *make* our kids not do dumb and self destructive things - although I tried!

Sorry OP for your pain.