Crazed

On Wed night at an Alanon meeting there was a new guy - obviously distraught. His alcoholic/addict wife was recently in rehab. When she was there, he remained distant (he was angry, and wanted her to work on herself). Soon after she got out and was living in a halfway house, she started cheating on him. She blames him for not being there for her, and not telling her he loved her enough. They have a son that just turned 1. He just filed for divorce. He is in trememdous pain, blaming himself, and wondering what he could have done differently to prevent this.

After the meeting, I spent about 10 minutes telling him what I have learned in the few months that I have been going to Alanon. He didn't cause it, he can't control it, and he can't cure it. And bottom line, from my experience, they may cheat. And if they are going to cheat, it has nothing to do with him.

The EXAG cheated 3 times over the last many years of what I consider our "committed times." Once after rehab 1, once after a horrible life decision we made, and once after rehab 2. It seems like recovery/crisis and cheating go hand in hand with her. There are a few other early indiscretions when the relationship was forming, but I (perhaps incorrectly) write them off, as I was completely unwilling to commit to her in the first couple of years. I would only see her when she didn't have the young kids, would never talk about our relationship future, etc. I treated her like "If you don't like the arrangements- there is the door." I had never seen an alcoholic and didn't understand alcoholism. It was her deal. In hindsight, I fell I was pretty immature and selfish about it and those actions I regret. Today part of me thinks I kept my distance as a subconscious survival mechanism, where another part thinks I did it because I was cocky and had no interest in a long term relationship with someone with kids (I was in my early 30s, and considered myself to be marketable - I know, cocky). But I was so attracted to her and so loved being with her. I didn't want her to go, but I didn't want to commit to her and get too close to her. There was so much baggage. But after a few months apart, and a reevaluation of my priorities, I did finally make a committment to her and her kids, and they moved in with me in 2002. But I am unsure if that I ever let down that subconscious protection mechanism. Today we see how good that "protected" me.... I digress.

So in a meeting last night (a meeting I had never been to), he was there. He shared, and at the end stated how in one meeting his mindset about his contribution to the affair was completely changed, and recognized and thanked me for the conversation with tears in his eyes.

It made me feel good.

... sorry for the rambling in the middle. It helps me

Tuffgirl

Sure - you can look at it all this way ^^^ or maybe you can also take into consideration that your reluctance may have been because a subconscious part of you felt danger that early on.

Human beings often act with subconscious motivations - and when we really pay attention, we are often surprised to find out we subconsciously saw the red flags waving away in the background yet chose to ignore them for whatever silly reason we came up with at the time.

Might be time to see a therapist to work on what it is inside of you that feels compelled to continue a relationship with someone who is so incapable of giving you anything in return. That is something you won't get in Al-Anon.

I know for me - I was hanging on for dear life out of fear and anger. I was afraid of being divorced a second time, like it was some kind of scarlett letter on my forehead. And anger that I had invested A LOT into that relationship and had no return on that investment. And like you, was resisting facing reality. I found a no BS male therapist who literally Dr. Laura'd me for an entire year. Money well spent, and today I have a completely different (and positive!) perspective on my self worth and value as a woman.

DreamsofSerenity

Crazed, that is excellent that you were able to help someone in Al Anon, and that it made you feel good. Maybe that's a clue to a direction you could take in your own recovery?

I'm a little concerned about your mid-post rambling because it still sounds somewhat like you are blaming yourself for your GF's cheating/drinking. Remember the three C's, Crazed. The fact you were reluctant to dive into a relationship with someone with small kids is fine. Maybe it is going to take you a while to unravel all the blame shifting you have endured for 13 years?

You are doing great! Keep her blocked, and keep going to Al Anon.

Hugs.

Crazed

You are correct in that I do take on some of the guilt and responsibility of the affairs. Especially for the second one. Definitely not for the last one. While I dished out some good advice, it is hard for me to accept it as truth when it comes to me and my relationship.

DreamsofSerenity

I commend you for admitting you weren't perfect in the relationship, but If she was so unhappy, she could have asked for a break from the relationship with you, and then went on to pursue the other relationship. She didn't do that. She cheated, probably because she didn't want to lose you completely. At the same time, she never really committed to you either (in terms of fidelity). IMO, her commitment issues seem a lot more serious than yours. The blame shifting that is done by A's is incredible, and I have found that so much of it is just pure projection of what is going on within them. Don't take on the responsibility for her cheating, Crazed. She can't commit either: to you, her kids, or herself.

dandylion

Dear crazed, so glad to hear about the mutual support and sharing in the alanon meeting. There is nothing like the face-to-face with others who understand like no others can.

Don't get yourself too crazy with trying to analyze everything, right now. Just focus on working the program for yourself. Later, understanding will fall into place...piece by piece..as you come to know yourself more. Have faith.

very sincerely, dandylion

Hammer

I am changing projects (contract engineer) so one town and one meeting I have been doing -- I will away from for some months. I was saying goodbyes, and a girl (a local teacher, maybe 23 or so, has one little kid, and hubby who is on and off alcohol, pot, etc.) comes up and hands me a thank you note.

She had first come to her first meeting there a couple months ago, and I had met her in the parking lot. The place can be a little confusing, so I had guided her in, sat with her, covered the 3-C's, and the rest of the Start Up info. She has been doing her stuff and is doing great. I was laughing with her a couple of weeks ago, that she is going to pass me, and I will be jealous, but waving her on.

Did not really understand what my sponsor had told me until I looked at her note again . . .

Helping Others Helps Us.