Major Disappointment
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Illinois
Posts: 94
Major Disappointment
. . .ugh. . .today has been a day. Actually - every day since Easter has been a day. Three of my four boys have been sick - two with a stomach bug, and the baby with a double ear infection. In the meantime, I have caught the stomach bug, and feel like absolute crap.
Through this all, my RAH has been calling from the job he is on, doing well. He admits it is really tough, but says he knows he needs to do it and wants to make the kids proud. Says all the right things, right? So, I was actually relieved that he was coming home early today in time for the two older boys' first track meet of the season. My oldest is quite the little runner (proud momma moment), so to him this is a major deal.
When I first see my RAH walking up, I can automatically tell he has been drinking and am instantly aggrivated. At the same time, I am thankful I drug my butt to the track meet despite feeling horrible, because there is no way I'd let him drive the boys home like that. He comes up to the van and starts in on the excuses. He was behind two annoying people on the plane, just drank a little bit, sitting in an airport is just boring with nothing to do. I say, "So, did you go to meetings on the road?"
Silence. Yeah, that's what I thought.
Thankfully, he is still seperated from us - a fact he brought up tonight. This is something he never does unless he's been drinking, so I have had a blissful week and a half of no asking when he's moving back in. Tonight, he says, "So I take it I'm not coming home any time soon?" No, dear, you're not. I reminded him of our little agreement - 90 meetings in 90 days before we discussed it. Considering he has done 1 meeting in 6 days, I'd say the outlook isn't good.
I'm just so frustrated for allowing myself to buy into the lie that he really meant this. The boys are majorly disappointed - they could see it tonight as well. I have realized they have a lifetime of disappointment to endure if RAH doesn't see this through. Just super bummed tonight.
Through this all, my RAH has been calling from the job he is on, doing well. He admits it is really tough, but says he knows he needs to do it and wants to make the kids proud. Says all the right things, right? So, I was actually relieved that he was coming home early today in time for the two older boys' first track meet of the season. My oldest is quite the little runner (proud momma moment), so to him this is a major deal.
When I first see my RAH walking up, I can automatically tell he has been drinking and am instantly aggrivated. At the same time, I am thankful I drug my butt to the track meet despite feeling horrible, because there is no way I'd let him drive the boys home like that. He comes up to the van and starts in on the excuses. He was behind two annoying people on the plane, just drank a little bit, sitting in an airport is just boring with nothing to do. I say, "So, did you go to meetings on the road?"
Silence. Yeah, that's what I thought.
Thankfully, he is still seperated from us - a fact he brought up tonight. This is something he never does unless he's been drinking, so I have had a blissful week and a half of no asking when he's moving back in. Tonight, he says, "So I take it I'm not coming home any time soon?" No, dear, you're not. I reminded him of our little agreement - 90 meetings in 90 days before we discussed it. Considering he has done 1 meeting in 6 days, I'd say the outlook isn't good.
I'm just so frustrated for allowing myself to buy into the lie that he really meant this. The boys are majorly disappointed - they could see it tonight as well. I have realized they have a lifetime of disappointment to endure if RAH doesn't see this through. Just super bummed tonight.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i'm so sorry. you didn't anything WRONG by wanting to believe your husband was on track. I mean, really, that SHOULD be a given. but maybe in spite of how sucky it all seems right now maybe there is a gift in there somewhere?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Illinois
Posts: 94
There have been several gifts. I feel like I'm getting my power back. I've noticed differences in my boys' behavior. And in spite of all of the things I could be worried about right now, I'm happy. I'm doing things I have avoided for a while - I'm playing in a trivia night with my colleagues tomorrow night and attending a girls' night with a friend next week. I never made time for myself before. For me, the seperation has been the key. I guess I feel stupid, really. I've made all this progress and then got pooped on. I really need to find a bench farther away from the pigeons. 
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Completelylost,
I am so sorry that your A let down his family again and how much reality hurts when you have small children... I am an ACOA and can so relate to the sadness and confusion it brings.
As many acoas do I love alcoholics and used to collect them one at a time...nothing set off the electricity more than a recovered alcoholic! Unfortunately my experience has been that chronic relapsing has been what I have experienced through the years with my last XA.
You are doing the right thing by setting firm boundaries on recovery lifestyle because more will definitely be revealed. It is easy to talk and even go through the motions for a while but longlasting, meaningful, genuine recovery is easily felt and seen by those who love the A when it is for a length of time.
I set the boundary of 1 year active, authentic recovery with an active sponsor and completion and practice of the 12 steps. My XA would stay on track and everything look polished and shiny for 3 to 4 months and then he would pick up a drink and all he#$ would break loose. Then he would get back on track for the 3 to 4 months... rinse and repeat ad nauseum.
He is blocked from calls but I cannot stop the texts and in the morning I get pitiful begging texts involving his daughter (not mine) and 12 hours later pics sent with him posing in pics with Penn and Teller in Las Vegas in a tux higher than a kite.
More will be revealed. They can't help exposing their heart with enough time and proper boundaries.
And the boundaries, the recovery, the working on ourselves sets us free. And your kids are far better off if they embark on their own recoveries and see the reality of what bad choices bring.
So be strong... and know that you are protecting those kids by enforcing strong boundaries. Take care of you... establish your own recovery path as well as theirs.
I am so sorry that your A let down his family again and how much reality hurts when you have small children... I am an ACOA and can so relate to the sadness and confusion it brings.
As many acoas do I love alcoholics and used to collect them one at a time...nothing set off the electricity more than a recovered alcoholic! Unfortunately my experience has been that chronic relapsing has been what I have experienced through the years with my last XA.
You are doing the right thing by setting firm boundaries on recovery lifestyle because more will definitely be revealed. It is easy to talk and even go through the motions for a while but longlasting, meaningful, genuine recovery is easily felt and seen by those who love the A when it is for a length of time.
I set the boundary of 1 year active, authentic recovery with an active sponsor and completion and practice of the 12 steps. My XA would stay on track and everything look polished and shiny for 3 to 4 months and then he would pick up a drink and all he#$ would break loose. Then he would get back on track for the 3 to 4 months... rinse and repeat ad nauseum.
He is blocked from calls but I cannot stop the texts and in the morning I get pitiful begging texts involving his daughter (not mine) and 12 hours later pics sent with him posing in pics with Penn and Teller in Las Vegas in a tux higher than a kite.
More will be revealed. They can't help exposing their heart with enough time and proper boundaries.
And the boundaries, the recovery, the working on ourselves sets us free. And your kids are far better off if they embark on their own recoveries and see the reality of what bad choices bring.
So be strong... and know that you are protecting those kids by enforcing strong boundaries. Take care of you... establish your own recovery path as well as theirs.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 168
So, so sorry! It's been a really crappy week for you, but you made it through because you are a strong women. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING!!!!!! Believe our Higher Power sends us "signs" and we either pay attention to them or we ignore them. Big Sign for you. Stay strong and stay the course.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
So disappointing but I am glad to read you that you are doing things you enjoy for yourself. At least he was kind enough to show up drunk from the get go rather than to fool everybody for a longer time.
Kudos for you for choosing the right path for your children.
Kudos for you for choosing the right path for your children.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Oh, completelylost, I sooo understand your disappointment. It is like your heart falls down to the ground at the first glimpse of them drinking!
My dear, you are learning THROUGH THE SCHOOL OF EXPERIENCE as you go along.
1-2yrs. (many say 3-5yrs.) in AA; with sponsor; working ALL 12 steps. Working the program like it is life or death--regardless of who is or isn't by his side. This is what is required before one can begin to "trust" the word of an addict o r alcoholic. It still requires a l ifetime of vigilence (by the alcoholic).
Tough, I know--but this is the cost of sobriety.
You handled this very well, in my opinion!
sincerely, dandylion
My dear, you are learning THROUGH THE SCHOOL OF EXPERIENCE as you go along.
1-2yrs. (many say 3-5yrs.) in AA; with sponsor; working ALL 12 steps. Working the program like it is life or death--regardless of who is or isn't by his side. This is what is required before one can begin to "trust" the word of an addict o r alcoholic. It still requires a l ifetime of vigilence (by the alcoholic).
Tough, I know--but this is the cost of sobriety.
You handled this very well, in my opinion!
sincerely, dandylion
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by CompletelyLost4 
I've made all this progress and then got pooped on. I really need to find a bench farther away from the pigeons.
. The thing that sticks out to me is that "you've made all this progress" but you didn't LOSE it when the situation came up. You stuck to your boundaries & it sounds like you stayed clear & detached but supportive. I'd call this SUCCESS!!
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