prodigal

I always had the idea stuck in my head that marriage would complete me - that I would be the perfect wife and would have a marriage along the lines of Ward and June Cleaver. Talk about needing a wake-up call!

I really believed I was so in love with my husband, but I think what I was experiencing wasn't grounded in reality at all. Soooo ... I have nobody to blame but myself now that everything is blowing up in my face. This isn't a marriage - it's just one big, fat mess.

While my husband was deployed stateside for 13 months, he was never farther away than a four-hour drive so he'd come home on weekends. Before we got married, I could hardly wait to get home on Friday evenings to await his arrival (sometimes he'd be there when I pulled in the driveway - swoon! ). Then, come Sunday afternoon, he'd have to leave. This is the stuff of which pulp-fiction romance novels are made. It has also made me realize I was (1) hooked on the excitement/drama generated by all this coming-together-being-pulled-apart stuff and (2) not comfortable with the day-to-day living that we now have.

Don't get me wrong ... I've actually lived with men on a day-in, day-out basis, but in this case some vague feeling started creeping into my psyche about three weeks before he left for Kuwait. Of course, I brushed it aside as best I could (spell that D-E-N-I-A-L) but I couldn't really shake it: something just wasn't right. What had happened to that wildly passionate feeling I had when I was with him that was so strong I couldn't keep my hands off him; that I wanted to be glued to him every minute; that it was all so wildly romantic? (You can spell that one I-M-M-A-T-U-R-E.)

So now here I sit playing at marriage. I quit smoking in October (he finally quit last mont himself), I quit being his drinking buddy (it tore up my stomach too much and I was quite the drama queen myself at times when I drank), and I quit being his sex-toy Barbie doll (quit starving myself to be a size 6 and prancing around the house in all sorts of Victoria's Secret junk which he's so crazy about). Suddenly, I was a WIFE. I wanted stabillity, I wanted consistency, I wanted security. (Are you getting the "me, me, me" theme here?)

To satisfy my wants-list for marriage, I first need to find peace and tranquility within myself, not to mention to get real, grow up, and figure out why I'd even remotely buy into the idea that I'd get stability, consistency and/or security from an active AH!!!

smf30

You wouldn't be the first girl to realize marriage isn't all it's cracked up to be! LOL I think it was Chris Rock commenting on gay marriage said something like "if they want to be as miserable as the rest of us LET 'EM"

Doesn't it suck when reality finally hits you?! Sounds like that is what is happening to you right now. Reality checks are not fun, but they make us grow.

whiplash

Hey Prodigal.

I can't even tell you how many times I've found myself thinking of the things I've accepted over the years and thought, "that's not how marriage is supposed to be." I'm not sure what it's supposed to be. ha! Does anyone here have any wisdom on that subject? Why is it that we're always trying to compare ourselves to some ideal that doesn't seem to really exist in life and marriage?